A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

A Short Ramble on Emotions

I called one of my Besties crying my eyes out this afternoon. She listened and was encouraging, laughed in all the right places and agreed vehemently with my known final sobbing line of "And I Haaaate Cryyyyiiiiing!" And this was the segue to a Fantastic Conversation where I feel like I finally understand how Incomprehensibly Complicated it is to be a woman.

Did you know a woman gets one week out of the entire month for normal emotions? Maybe. ONE WEEK. If she's lucky and has the normal cycle for her period. Yeah. Count it off. We get pms(PRE-menstruation) where our emotions are magnified to an extraordinary degree. We get a week of bleeding and physical pain that effects our emotions. And the week after? That's a gal's fertile week and it causes a whole different range of complex emotions based on your body trying to get you pregnant. Then you get a week of "normalcy" before it all starts up again. Of course, every girl is different. An average cycle is every 28 days. Mine is looking to be 25, and I know a couple girls who are between 18 and 22. Do you realize how that effects us?! No. I Had NO Idea. I've gone so far as to Blow off doctor's about this, who insisted it was a big part of my struggles.

Because there's those of us who already have Intense Emotions. We struggle to handle them without going insane. The options are to numb them or learn to acknowledge them, pinpoint where they are coming from and then handle that shit. But when you have a basketball sized knot of Spiderwebs to untangle - the task is often Overwhelming! I wish I had submitted sooner to the idea that "I'm pmsing" isn't an excuse - it's a reason to help pinpoint where that seemingly irrational emotion just came from! And I never have!

I am SO Blown away by the simple fact that a woman's cycle is Complicated, it's Intense - and it's NOT talked about enough! I had NO Idea that I had specific days where my emotions were magnified, no matter what emotions they were. That things were more of a big deal then and why. I had NO Idea that girl's don't actually have a sex-drive until about 26 years of age, when their libido's take off! I thought I had one. I was SO Wrong. And we don't talk about that. Typically because women are either married or comfortable having sex while single. We talk to the boys about to handle the crazy that hits them as teens, but we never warn the girls what will happen to them in their 20s and 30s. Maybe because they'll be adults then and whatnot. I don't know. But it hit me like a truck and I have been SO Confused about why for the past 3 years.

Emotions are looked down upon, disregarded, treated as a disease or even a sin. We learn to hide our tears, to hush our laughter, to Calm the Storms inside us. NO. This should not be! We are Storms. We are His Perfect Storms! Embrace the emotions - Feel them - Encourage them in others! Shutting them down doesn't make them go away! It just pressurizes them until they explode - possibly killing you. What we need to do is to give them to God. To say - this is me. This is who You created me to be. Help me learn how to wield them Properly. And He will. I know He will! I have Faith because He has earned my Trust.

I shut my emotions down for too many years to know how to handle them properly. I opened that flood gate and was IMMEDIATELY Overwhelmed. But He has been working with me. The Flood of Noah's Ark is a great analogy to what happened to my mind the first year or two of really working on my DBT. And the waters still have not receded, but I have gotten that twig of Hope. Like the world, I know my mind will never be free of floods, of tornadoes and hurricanes. Not in this Lifetime.

But with God's help I am getting there. I am learning how to Live with them. Learning how to survive them. And of course - how to see the Beauty within them. Your emotions can wreck havoc on your own mind and the minds of others - but they can also do more than that. For emotions are not just Natural Disastors. They are the Rainbow after the Flood. They are the sunrise and sunset. They are the moon that kisses her cheek and the the stars that shine above. Emotions are Dangerous and Beautiful. We must learn to use them wisely.

I must learn to use them wisely.

And I will. Because I have faith. Because He has earned my Trust.

A Letter and A Prayer

Open Letters That Matter

When I was six years old, I gave my first bl*wjob.“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”

It was too big, and I threw up on him.
He said I’d do better the next time.

When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.

When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.

When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift my skirt up for her. She was pretty and kind, and told me that I could only be her friend if I did what she said.
I wanted to be her friend.

When I was ten years old, a relative demanded that he get a kiss on the cheek every time we met. He was large and loud, and I proceeded to hide under my bed whenever I learnt that he was visiting.
I was known as a rude child.

When I was eleven, my auto-man told me that we would only leave if I gave him a hug every day.
He smelled like cheap soap and cigarettes.

When I was twelve years old, I watched as a man on the street touched my mother’s breast as he passed us. She slapped him amidst the shouts of onlookers telling her to calm down.
She didn’t calm down.

When I was thirteen years old, I exited a restaurant only to see a man visibly masturbating as he walked towards me. As he passed, he winked lasciviously.
My friends and I shifted our gazes down, aghast.

When I was fourteen, a young man in an expensive car followed me home as I walked back from an evening class. I ignored his offer to give me a ride, and I panicked when he got out, only to buy me a box of chocolate that I refused. He parked at the end of my road, and didn’t go away for an hour.
“It turns me on to see you so scared.”

When I was fifteen, I was groped on a bus. It was with a heart full of shame that I confided in a friend, only to be met with his anger and disappointment that I had not shouted at the molester at the time when it happened. My soft protests of being afraid and alone were drowned out as he berated my inaction. To him, my passiveness and silence were the reasons why things like this continue to happen.
He did not wait for my response.

When I was sixteen, I discovered that Facebook had a section of inbox messages named ‘others’, which contained those mails received from strangers, automatically stored as spam. Curious, I opened it to find numerous messages from men I had never seen before. I was propositioned, called sexy, asked for nudes, and insulted.
Delete message.

When I was seventeen, I called for help as a drunken man tried to sexually harass me in a crowded street.
The people around me seemed to walk by quicker.

At eighteen, I was told that sexism doesn’t exist in modern society.
I was told that harassment couldn’t be as bad as us women make it out to be.
That I should watch what I wear.
Never mind you were six, never mind you were wearing pink pajamas.
That I should be louder.
But not too loud, a lady must be polite.
That I should always ask for help.
But stop overreacting, there’s a difference.
That I should stay in at night, because it isn’t safe.
You can’t get harassed in broad daylight.
That I should always travel with no less than two boys with me.
You need to be protected.

That it can’t be that hard to be a girl.

I am now nineteen years old.
I am now tired.

By Anonymous
Artwork by Mayka

Eloquent, Heartbreaking and for those many who are Blind to the World - Very, very Common. This does not shock me - I have heard this life story from hundreds of women, all with their own unique, sickening twists. I also have my own horror stories. Very few women have the luxury of fearlessness in the day-to-day. I am working on giving my fears to God - but that doesn't mean I am safe. It just means that when I get hurt - He has promised to Heal me.

God doesn't promise our hearts, mind and bodies won't Break in following Him. In fact - He warns us that they will. But He does promise to make us anew every morning. Every Moment of Every Day God is putting together the pieces that have been Broken. He is making us into the Most Beautiful Masterpieces - the likes I cannot even Imagine. And although my heart is still broken, my mind is still shattered - and people are constantly stomping on the pieces - or I am throwing them across the room in Rage. He is God. He owns my very Soul and Guards it with His Life. Sacrificed His Son's Life to Save it.

He's basically Santy Clause on Heavenly Steroids. Despite how much work there is to do to in a limited amount of time, He is easily able to keep up. And He ends up being Ahead of Schedule too! I swear I would NOT have believed you last year if you described who I am today. And so - Life becomes a Cha-Cha: I'm dancing across the Ballroom - Two steps Forward and One step Back. Slowly, but surely - I will make it through this Life.

I don't ask God for much. And I Certainly do NOT ask Him for something as Naive as General Safety. My Number One Prayer Request is that He reminds me why this Life is Worth It. I ask Him to Prove to me why I should care when it's Rough. And He does. Every Time. He doesn't have to - but He does :') And that is Enough. You can go through Anything when He answers a Prayer like that. Thank You my Lord.

Thank You for Your Faithfulness to a Scared, Weak, Rebellious girl - who, like so many others - is often Tired. Tired of this Game called Life. You give me the Strength to not only Survive it - but to even begin to Enjoy it. I never asked for that. Never expected that to even be attainable. But you saw not only what I needed - but also what I wanted.

Now I cannot Imagine how anyone who has You as their Savior - could possibly want anyone but You to be in control of their life! How do we - How do I - so often forget that you have me covered?! Don't let me forget Lord. Even if it hurts - don't let me forget why I need You. Why I love You. Don't let me run away EVER Again. Don't let me even want to! I beg You Lord, let me Live for You and Only You, all the Days of this Life.

Amen

<3 Not the End of a Prayer - simply a Pause between Prayers <3

Fear

I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.

Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.

Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.

I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.

When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.

Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.

I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.

You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!

You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.

But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.

So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.

When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.

And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.

And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.

But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.

I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.

No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.

But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.

There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.

Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.

One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.

With all my Imperfect Love

I'm Sorry. But Why?

I will not edit what I wrote earlier, but I will say it wasn't easy. Letting people see a part of me that I show to very few and typically am given reasons to regret it later - it's not as easy as many of you seem to think it is. I am not an attention whore, despite what many have let me know through their words and actions that they think. I've learned to hide my pain. I've actually learned to hide every emotion. That is part of my mask. A necessary mask in this day and age that is So Real looking and can hide every emotion easily with little knowledge from those I wish to hide them from. I can blend into my surroundings no matter how I feel. I can hide happy as easily as sad and I often do. I hide every emotion. Emotions show vulnerabilities that expose me too much to a world full of people I don't trust. People I don't have reason to trust. People I have EVERY reason to Mistrust.

God is insisting I keep trying, even if it means exposing myself to more Pain. I've given you a weapon with this post. I give you all ammunition to hurt me each and every time I trust you with my vulnerabilities. That's why people wear masks. To protect themselves. I'm learning to take mine off, but it's not easy and I ask that you not take it for granted. If you see me -or have seen my emotions- happy or sad, angry or anything really, at any level -- it's because I'm trying SO Hard -or tried- to trust you. The struggle many see is not me trying to suppress the tears or laughter - but trying to allow them at all. And I've never known a person who didn't use this against me several times - if not too many to count. I understand why and I forgive them even when they don't know what they have done. But it's not ok and I've never allowed myself to say that. It's not ok to hurt people like this. Don't give me more reasons to think Trust is a bad idea when I already have a lifetime full of reasons to turn me away from The Church and everyone in it. I love you guys. But I'm Done with it being ok. It's not. Grow Up and learn to LOVE as God does.

This goes out to every Christian of all generations. You are driving men and women away from the Cross, away from Jesus with your airs of superiority and judgmental attitudes. You drove me away. God dragged me back. I thank Him every day for that. I thank Him every day for each of you. But none of us our perfect. And I see your strengths - they are many and are Beautiful to behold. But I also see your weaknesses almost as clearly as my own and it sickens me. My own sins drive me to my knees begging for forgiveness, literally. Do yours? If they don't - then this little rant is meant for you. This speech is not designed for my friends and family, nor my personal church. Although, many I know struggle with certain aspects of this along with the rest of the world. But this monologue is not a petty rant because someone hurt me. Not - this is an ongoing sin I see in The Church today. You have become modern pharisees and I am DONE with it being Ok.

Jesus Loves us - this I Know. But there's No Way He would join The Church in what it has become. There's no way He would promote the Hate that it promotes. And if you don't acknowledge that this is happening, then you are blinded to your own sins and unable to see the Pain that is all around you. The people begging for help and unable to find it in those uncomfortable pews, surrounded by hundreds of judgmental eyes. I will proudly call myself a "Bad Christian" because at least I'm not lying to myself. I am Broken and it is through this weakness that God is brought Glory. My weaknesses give me strength. For in them - I find Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9&10

If you seek Him, you will find Him. But I personally doubt He's gonna be in the pews at any church in this country.

~~~

I was sitting on my couch, attempting to read while the kittens were being hooligans all over the place and I got a life-changing email. It was from a friend inviting me to participate in an event they know I enjoy very much. The thing is, with life lately, I know I'm rarely enjoyable to be around. I expect people to simply do things without me when they cannot handle my level of intensity because that's how people work. So this invitation shocked me to my core. My emotions skyrocketed to feel a joy that had me sobbing for like 10 seconds. I didn't even know that was a thing - sobbing with joy. I mean, you hear it sappy books, but I thought it was just an expression. Silly me. I thanked them, did my happy dance and then cranked my music and tried to let myself enjoy this intense feeling of joy. But I'm still broken and it didn't last long. My core value is that I am Worthless. That is who I believe I am, deep down inside, subconsciously. Everyone has a root belief of who they are and it's doubtful you will know your own without some serious therapy. I didn't know till this year that -Worthless- was mine. And it is. I've been working SO Hard to change it. I know that it needs to be Beloved. For that is who I am - the Beloved child of God. But that is easier said than done. Every genuine compliment I receive and allow myself to believe, helps this. It's also incredibly difficult and painful to hear them. They shake my core value - the very foundation of who I am. Changing the core belief of who you is Incredibly tricky without bringing the whole house down. With God's help - I am doing so. Days like today - I worry that it will all come tumbling down. I stood at that sink and my joy turned to Pain as all I could think was "Why? Why would they do this for me? I'm not worth it." Those words themselves were a step in the right direction. At least I labeled the problem right away for once. I immediately turned off my phone and then asked two girlfirends for prayer as I closed my door and retreated to struggle with the idea of my value. Even now - I'm on the couch, knowing I'll get through this moment, however long it lasts - but begging for it to be over and done with now. I'm not worth it is a broken record inside my head and it feeds the Pain. I want it to stop. Please. Please make it stop. I'm struggling to remember it won't go on forever. It's hard to do this. But I remember the beginning of this writing - although I'm too far gone to be able to focus enough to see the words - that this will be a life-changing day. Every time I get through Pain like this - I grow. That fancy word sanctification. I'm guessing that if I get through this moment inside of time, where all my trillions of thoughts are focused on the pain and not any of the Good. Where only writing this is helping me remember the Big Picture so I don't start silently screaming. If I can get through this - I will be making a giant leap forward in changing the core belief of who I am. I am worth it. I just don't know that yet. One Day I will Believe...If I can survive this learning and growing process. One Day maybe it won't hurt this bad. There are many One Days and I have Eternity to enjoy them all. I need to remember that. I need to remember #OneDay. But right now - I think Imma go scream. It hurts too much. I'm so sorry. It's Worth It. I promise. It's Good for me too - I swear. It's just. It's Hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not normal or average. I'm sorry I can't even pretend to be and function. I love you guys.

~~~

I'm Sorry because my Core Identity tells me I'm Worthless. I'm sorry because I was taught by society, particularly within The Church, that I need to be. Many have the misconception that I have guilt and shame from my rather terrifying past. That the pain comes from my history. And by that they mean my party days. There is some truth to this. I have spent a decade feeding my core-identity with reasons to feel more worthless. For, even if I'm miserable, the house does not fall and my sanity remains intact. It is easy to hate myself and it is comfortable to do so. It is absolutely terrifying to believe anything else. I have had more one-night stands than I can count along with a couple threesomes. I've tried drinking, smoking and other substances. I have many tattoos and had a hella lot more piercings at various points in my life. And yet, with all my experience - I would be more comfortable giving you the details of my experimentation with girls than telling you I cried while watching Flicka. I would rather flick you off than let you see the joy that comes when I see a rainbow or feel the rain on my face. Why is this you wonder?

Because the Root of my Worthlessness did not begin with my first drink. It did not begin when I lost my virginity. It began way before that. And the things that shame me most - are the very strengths God gave me. I hate that I Care. I hate that I Feel. I even tend to hate that I Love. I have hated these things about myself SO Much. Why is that? When they are the Greatest Strengths God has bequeathed me. I know why. Perhaps you should ask God if the answer eludes you. And if you are like me in this, which many are, perhaps you should ask yourself why you hate your own God-given talents.

But don't ask if you aren't prepared for a very difficult answer. However - it is worth it - no matter how much I scream. I will always believe it's worth it. Especially on days like today when He reminds me, yet again, why I can trust Him. When He reminds me He loves me and that He will never leave me. He will never abandon me and He is always next to me getting me through the agony that comes with the assault of my emotions and the memories associated with them.

Thank You my LORD. There is NONE like YOU.

<3

Agápē

You know how some people say they're filled with so much happiness they could burst? I have that too, but it's not happiness. It's not even joy or contentment. For over a decade there was a hole in the pit of my stomach. I'm sure you've heard the cliche, but I'm not using it right now. It is just the best way to describe how it felt. A blackhole that sucked everything that was Good, everything that was God, everything that made me - me ~ a #Void that was So Big and Empty I couldn't even begin to fill it in, although I tried. I got used to it's presence, but it never got easier. If anything, every day it sucked more and more Life out of me. I was almost all gone last year. Depleted and in So Much Pain, I couldn't remember what it was like to feel Whole. Like Back to the Future - I was vanishing, but from the inside out. There was So Little of me left last February. The Void was So Big, so very #Empty. #Hope had long since dissipated into its depths, as well as anything I once believed. Everything I knew was a lie. Nothing remained but #Despair. I often wonder if it's my stubbornness that brought this on, my inability to blindly believe. And yet, I don't believe it truly matters, because it is also my stubbornness and my constant seeking of the Truth that has me the person I am now. I'm not content with blind faith. I question God. I question Everything. I think So Much it HURTS. I pepper my Lord with questions and insolence every moment of every day and He Loves it in ways. Because He knows I trust Him, even when I don't get an answer now. Even if I'm unsatisfied with the answer - I #Trust Him. I'll complain and argue with Him about anything and everything, but I will follow Him as I do. Through anything - I will follow my #God. He didn't have to - but He proved Himself to me, over and over again. I doubted Him, I distrusted Him, I scorned and mocked Him. What's worse - I blamed Him for my pain. Still do often actually. We're still working on that one. I never demanded He prove Himself. No - I BEGGED Him to. And He did. My faith really was like a #MustardSeed. So small and pathetic at first. But with time and patience - it has grown. And today - I can tell you that my void is Gone. It has been for quite some time. Not only that - but I am often So Full and Overflowing -not with any emotion- but with #LOVE. Love In it's raw, unadulterated and Holy form. And I'm not talking about that overused, misunderstood and incredibly mistreated term of endearment. I'm talking about #Agape. For Ever and For Always - my God, You will Be. Thank You Yaweh - from now until Eternity - I know you will never let me go <3

Another of My Signature Rambles

Who else has those moments where an accident is about to happen but then disaster is totally averted because of your mad ninja skills? Yeah - I love videos where that gets caught on camera. But what about the times it doesn't? What about the times you're alone and a glass falls and you totally pluck it out of the air like you trained with Mr Miyagi? Who else finds they moonlight as a superhero who can leap a fence in a single bound, but when they try to tell people the truth of their Kent Clark facade - they look at you and laugh. Your clumsiness and incompetency is no secret and for some reason your Beastly Accuracy and Masterful Reflexes never come out unless you are completely and totally alone.

Anybody else have that happen? And every time - you look around and go Really? Did NObody see that - Again?! And then you hear Him. Faintly you hear the voice that's always been there, but you're adept at ignoring. He goes - I did. I saw it. And you go - oh but You don't count. I need actual people to hear and applaud this moment. I need fallible humans to cheer for this victory - not some Omnipotent Being who's Always there getting excited about Every. Single. Success. I mean, come on Dude - the Cooooonstant attention and Love is a little pathetic and beneath You, don't You think?

God can seem like the Ultimate, stereotypical "Nice Guy"

Maybe that's not always our reasoning for dismissing God as a legitimate source for affirmation, but who else realizes how much they reject God as "not enough". How much we turn to others for a stamp of approval, instead to the only One Who really matters. "God is All I need" may be cliche - but it's totally 100% accurate. And we need to live our lives this way. We need to realize that Nothing else Matters. A car or a house, a job or career, friends or even a family Pale next to the Son of God.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26 

I get this. And no - it's not a verse about hatred. It's a verse about Love. It's a hyperbole designed to emphasize how Much we are to Love GOD above all else. Love for your possessions, your relationships - your own LIFE - should be NOTHING compared to the Love you should have for our Lord and Savior. And there's a good trick to figuring out whether you are struggling with this. I use it constantly. I think about something, or more likely - someone - that I love, and then I think of a realistic situation where I could lose them. If I can honestly say to God - I'm alright if that happens. If you can HONESTLY say this is key though. I'm tired of hearing people lie to themselves and God, much less to the world.

So many people are like me in that they think ignoring something will make it go away. If I can't see it - it can't see me. Yes - I'm rolling my eyes the same way so many have to me. But we all do this. We all have a sin that we know is there, but we also know is Wrong. And for Some reason, we often tend to think if we don't acknowledge it, if we don't admit it's there - if we tell ourselves over and over this sin is wrong then maybe it will go away on it's own(...). Yeah - I'm giving y'all the signature Look. I know you don't really think that works, but let's think about this more realistically. Lemme think for a sec.

Sorry - this is not as much as a struggle for me - admitting I'm a fuck-up. If you've been reading this blog regularly - you know I struggle with the opposite. So lemme think of a generic example I see in society regularly. Or - I can use that earlier example. Perfect. Ok - so most all my friends will agree that only God's approval matters. We talk about it constantly. People remind me often. Anybody in my church reading this will agree - on a theological level - that God's approval is the only one that matters, yeah? Ok - hopefully you already see where I'm going.

How often does God's approval Not matter to you? How often is it Just - Not Enough. I can already hear your minds whirling, trying to defend yourselves. Trying to justify why you needed the approval of others in whatever situation. Because we won't admit that God's approval is NOT Enough for us. You Know it should be. I know the same thing. I just also know that I don't believe that on a more of a subconscious level. You can KNOW many things and not BELIEVE them. Not truly. And the first step to changing that - is to actually Admit that.

If you cannot admit that you have a MASSIVE problem trusting God or needing Him; Loving or Fearing Him. And FYI - we ALL DO. This is not me throwing the first stone but pointing out a struggle We - ALL of Us - Share. But if you cannot even admit that your most Beastly Ninja skill - that your most exciting career move - that your most romantic gesture - that anything you are proud of(Even in a Godly way) is pathetic next to the Love of God. That our good works are akin to bloody tampons. If you don't get that you do NOT Deserve your job. You did NOT receive a degree because you're smart and studied your butt off. You don't own a home because you Earned it for all your hard work. That's Bullshit and I'm calling you out on it. God gives and He can take away.

0:52

Everything you have, including your possessions, your relationships, even your life - Especially your life - are given to you by the Grace of God. And if you don't get this basic fact, you will never be able to apply all the theology you understand so well. You can have the Bible memorized backwards and forwards. You can have a Phd at Harvard, Princeton and the best Seminaries in the world and still not Truly Believe. You can preach the gospel with a passion and accuracy that astound the world - and still not Truly Believe. And if you are unable to say that you do not Truly Believe something, if not everything - then you are lying to yourself. You are lying to God.

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

Belief does not equal Truth. Neither does Understanding. A True Belief in God's teaching involves Understanding Plato's Apology of Socrates, in my opinion. I do not Truly Believe many things I should. And the first step is admitting that. Only then, can we begin to grow in that area. We're all fucked up in this fallen world. We're all sinners. We're all mad here. And yet - we're not all going to Hell for this. I don't know who is or who isn't. I honestly haven't even thought enough about Hell to know whether I believe anybody is or whether I may take a more messianic view on that idea. I'm simply following God every day. I don't believe things because I've read them in books and they makes sense. I believe what God tells me through the way He reveals Himself to me in my LIFE - Every DAY. I like theology - but that is Nothing to a Personal Relationship to my Lord.

And I know people are often wanting a relationship like I have with God, but don't know the formula. Cause there isn't one. I know that's hard, but you have to find God yourself - learn how to listen for Him your own way. The answer isn't going to be in my Blog. It's not going to be in a sermon or any of your books from LifeWay. You need to find how God speaks to you. I will give you a hint though - if it makes you Incredibly Uncomfortable - you're probs on the right track. A personal relationship with God is The Most Uncomfortable, Infuriating, Maddening relationship I have Ever Had. It's worth it. Totally worth it. But don't go into this thinking it's going to be all Lovey Dovey, Hunky Dorey. No no. As in "Oh Heeeeell, NO.". A Close Relationship with God is ANYTHING But. Obnoxious Sneaky Yaweh. Yeah - You are. And it makes me smile as much as it makes me glare these days and I no longer underestimate the Sneaky Sneak:

You know I love you BigMan - even if I do argue with You an Awful Lot

:D

Trusting is Hard: The Sequel

I've been thinking about the issue of pride a lot lately. It's often said that this is the root sin of humanity. That, were you to follow every indiscretion and difficulty a person has with others, themselves and ultimately - God; if you were to follow these to the very source of the issue - you would find that it always comes back to pride. Pride in ourselves. Pride that we know better than God in every issue. Pride because we want control of our own lives and are not willing to give God control because we can do it so much better. I think this is pretty valid reasoning. But I also disagree. I think this reasoning is incredibly close to it's mark, but slightly off-course. I do not think the root issue of problems in this world is pride. I believe it is lack of Trust in God.

I know. I know. I already hear the arguments. It is because of our pride that we fail to trust God with our problems. But see - that is where I disagree. I think we have this backwards. We have pride because we do not Trust God. That may sound redundant, but it's not. It's actually a Big Difference. The Root Issue of ourselves and the world; our root sin - is a Lack of Trust. And this then results itself in a variety of ways - including pride, but not reserved solely to this transgression. Although I believe our inability to trust God often leads to pride, so often that pride has gotten mistaken for this deeper issue; I do not believe this is the only reason we have problems with trusting our Lord and Savior. There are a variety of results and reasons for mistrust. And they are cyclical - they feed each other.

The one that first came to mind and consequently has had me thinking about this so much lately is - Fear. I would say that I have pride like any other, but after a lot of introspection, my inability to trust God or others, rarely stems from pride. It is a result of my Overwhelming Fear. Fear of what they will think of me if they knew how fucked up I am? Fear of how they will respond. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being hurt. Fear of living in a world all alone. And for most of my life I placed God in the same box as everybody else in my life. I was just as scared too ask Him for help as I am still scared to ask others to this day.

Asking for help is not easy for me. And it's almost never because of pride. It took me a while to figure that out, because I knew it was a lack of trust that led to my inability to ask for something as simple as a ride, advice, or even a glass of water. When things get rough, the more susceptible I am to fearing others. This leads to asking questions I would probably know the answer to otherwise. When I am confidant in God-in-me I can walk into a friends' house like I own the place and I have :) .

When my day has been rough, when the pain has hit me hard - I will likely ask if I can use the bathroom and brace myself as if I was about to be hit as I do so. I know the reasons for these fears and I won't be explaining them in this blog post. But please understand that asking for help is not easy for everyone and your response can make or break a person's day, if not their life. I have learned to Trust God and I no longer fear Him as I once did. But I still fear you all. I fear those I love most. On a good day it's getting easier to get past this fear and trust others. And only thanks to my Trust in God. On a bad day - it was once impossible. God was the only One I would allow near me; the only One I would allow to help me. And this was good - as I needed to trust Him more than any other. And I do.

But now He wants me to learn to trust others. Not that He won't be there through every moment of every day, holding my hand; carrying me through the pain and beaming at me with every laugh that erupts. But we were never meant to live in this world as hermits. I've been convicted about my unwillingness to trust others and I have worked towards this ever since then. It has taken time - for I do not have very many reasons to trust others. Not compared to how many reasons I have to distrust them. I would appreciate you keeping this in mind in your interactions with me, as well as others.

As Christians - we are all different and yet we are all the same. We are all unique and we are all sinners being remade by the One Who knows us best. Some of us struggle with pride, some of us struggle with fear; we all struggle with an inability to Trust God. It is good to remember that we are all the same deep down, but the way our individual issues manifest themselves and why - can be extremely different. I often forget this and treat others the way I would want to be treated. But while the Golden Rule is a nice sentiment, it can get you in heckuv-a-lot of trouble if applied improperly. Believe me - I've learned this the hard way.

And above all, remember - there is no one currently in this world you can trust 100% in every situation. That doesn't mean you don't love them. An inability to trust someone completely with "life, love and the pursuit of happiness" does Not mean they are not very near and dear to your heart. It also does not mean you cannot trust them with a great many things. But we are ALL human. We are ALL sinners. And we are ALL going to screw shit up regularly. The only Being you should trust 100% with your well-being...is God. And if you are trusting anyone or anything more than Him, then life will get harder than it needs to be - if not Completely Impossible.

So - to wrap up. I've found it's important to:

Trust God above all others First.

Trust God-in-me as well.

Trust others carefully - while understanding they will fail many times in this regard and that's Alright.

And Love. Love is the Key to learning how to Trust.
P.s. God is Love.

Over & Out

Shalom

Peace out Homedawgs

Avec Amore Mon-Amis

Ttyl

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera

Coup de Grace

A coup de grâce (/ˌkuː də ˈɡrɑːs/; French [ku də ɡʁɑs] for "blow of mercy") is a death blow to end the suffering of a severely woundedperson or animal.^[1][2] It may be a mercy killing of civilians or soldiers, friends or enemies, with or without the sufferer's consent.

Examples of coup de grâce include shooting the heart or head (typically the back of the skull) of a wounded, but still living, person during an execution or by humanely killing a suffering, mortally wounded soldier, in war, for whom medical aid is not available. Other examples include the officer leading firing squad administering a coup de grâce to the condemned with a pistol if the first hail of gunfire fails to kill the prisoner or a beheading to quickly end a samurai's agony after seppuku.

*Courtesy of Wikapedia*

I never liked the concept of Euthanasia.

"Termination of life by a doctor at the request of a patient"

Not for the reasons many have issues with it however.

The idea of asking someone to help end my life makes me shudder.

I mean, that will scar them for duration of their own life...in one way or another.

I can't imagine putting ANYone through that, friend or foe.

The result would no longer be worth it.

Knowing I finally was able to escape the pain and suffering of this world,

but only because I had added to it ten-fold for another?

No, that's not worth it to me. Not even slightly.

I would rather continue to be tortured than ask that of someone.

I'd rather hand my assailants their weapons and say thank you for the wounds.

than give them another victim in my place.

If you haven't figured it out by now, my instinct is to take people's pain.

No matter the form - 

I would rather add more wounds to my own body than allow someone else to be mutilated.

Especially someone I love.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish for coup de grace.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish for God to deliver a mercy blow.

I don't know why people always think I'm exaggerating about this.

I've discussed it with a couple people and they all say it boils down to empathy.

People can't relate and would really rather not.

Instead, they will dismiss my words as exaggeration.

While etymology has always been a passion of mine, semantics has become incredibly important to me because of how often I'm seen as the boy who cried wolf.

I have been working very hard at choosing my words carefully for a while now.

So let me think about how to phrase this...

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE

This place, this world, this life. I want it over. I want it finished. I want it Done.

That's the truth.

That's not an exaggeration.

I believe in Heaven, I believe there is an eternity waiting for me after this life.

I cannot tell you how much I look forward to a new life, a new body and mind devoid of Pain!

And I would have no problem killing myself in order to hurry this process if I respected God any less.

In this case, I respect His Power.

He has insisted I am needed here whether I like it or not, as evident by the numerous times I have already attempted suicide and been told it was a Stupid MIRACLE I survived.

But let me make this very clear for those incredibly stubborn Asses.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE

I am not alive because I want to be, I am alive because I need to be.

Although I do have an incredibly hard time understand what God needs me for.

I'm sure it's another issue with empathy, on my part definitely.

But I simply cannot Fathom the idea of needing to "humble myself".

Not in the ways I so often hear this phrase used.

While I do understand humility and it's importance, as well as the issue of pride.

For me, that typically means wanting to control my life, not because I think I'll do it well.

But because giving control of your life to another being involves a great deal of trust.

And, in the past, I have made the mistake of trusting the wrong people with it...

The results speak for themselves.

I have only just begun trusting God with my life.

But that doesn't mean life is suddenly all hunky dory.

No, I have too many issues with trust to know how to do it properly.

Right now, trusting is often enduring the pain.

Even when it drives me down to the ground, begging for a mercy blow.

Right now trusting means when I'm in the shower and it begins to hurt -

Instead of beating the wall with my fists till their bruised in bloody -

I choose to lay with my forehead pressed against the bottom of the tub and silently scream until I can scream no more.

I lay there as the shower rains down until I am in danger of passing out and drowning.

The trip from the shower to my bed is harder than any of my winter runs.

Letting the darkness claim me as I lose consciousness - is my reward.

You can think that's an exaggeration or a strongly worded paragraph for effect.

It's not.

How many times have I covered up the marks from losing it?

How many times have I walked out of a place so people wouldn't see my pain?

How many times have I found ways to ease my private suffering in public that didn't draw attention,

but left small bruises for days.

And those are just the physical scars.

They do not even begin to portray the scars in my mind.

I know many understand.

I know many relate.

And I know it's never talked about.

I know we're taught to suppress our pain, which often causes it to pressurize instead...

And eventually explode.

You have NO Idea how good I am at suppressing my emotions.

NO Idea about how often I wear an incredibly realistic mask.

My mask does not scream that I have my life together.

No, my mask says "I'm fine. I'm not in pain."

When all I want to do is go somewhere and lose it.

Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating again.

Or maybe you have been scared by me, because you feel you have seen me in pain.

Both are wrong.

I could sit here all day trying to make you understand this the way I'd like to...

but an explanation about my natural ability for isolation exercises is not the solution.

And I'm attempting to let God run this show.

I cannot force you to see more than you are willing.

If you are stuck on being blind to the Pain in this world.

If you are too stuck on your own pain to see that there are others with pain as well...

You are walking towards a crevice you can't see in this state.

And you are going to fall.

We are all the same and we are all unique.

We all have pain...and it is all very different.

Right now my path on this Pilgrim's Progress involves scaling a very steep cliff.

The hand and footholds are made of broken glass that bite into my flesh as I climb.

My whole body screams to give up.

Even my head is too weak to look up for an end to my journey.

I am beyond exhausted and it wasn't till this past weekend that I finally had a chance to rest.

I wouldn't call it a vacation and even a sabbatical sounds like more fun.

 This was like finding a thin shelf to lay down on for a moments breath.

It was a place to gather my courage and my strength and brace to begin climbing again.

I wouldn't call it a peaceful rest as my wounds did not magically heal,

but before I began to climb again...I looked up.

I saw my destination and hope flared anew.

I KNOW what's at the top and I will not give up till I make it.

There are moments when I see why this world is worth it.

There are times when I understand God's plan for Eden -

When I catch glimpses of it all around me.

I Know it's at the top of this cliff -

The understanding of why the pain is worth being alive.

And the excitement of not only believing and having faith that it is.

But seeing it for myself - hastens my climb.

Even as my hands and feet shred from my journey.

Even as a tear escapes I keep my eyes on Him.

For even if I never make it, even if I never see the view in this lifetime...

He is with me.

He is worth the climb, even if I never make it to the top.

And so, I keep going.