So I was in the bathroom just now and something occured to me as I looked in the mirror after washing my hands. A mirror is like a tv in a way. It may reflect 3D images well, but it still loses something in translation. Perhaps this is one of the reasons we can't see ourselves as others do. Because we literally are unable to do so. There are so many Beautiful aspects Creation that we simply cannot capture. It is frustrating to be sure - but it provokes a reliance on God that I Truly Treasure. We must Trust Him. We must Trust Him to not only reveal the Good around us, but to do so Daily. Whether it be a Sunrise, a joyous occasion, a tender moment in a relationship, or perhaps a surreal glimpse of His Majesty. We must Trust that Him that He will provide this Good to us Daily. For it is as nourishing to our soul as bread is to our bodies. And this includes Good in ourselves. We physically cannot see ourselves as we are. The images we capture cannot hold a candle to the beauty of form in the men and women God created. Never forget you are Beautiful. You are a Work of Art. For God created you Himself. And while the sin in this world can twist anything. While the sin in our hearts can tear is down. God is God. Craftsman, Healer, Father - Love Manifested. He will untwist our souls, he will heal our broken sight and our shattered spirits. He will restore our souls and make us pure anew. We are His. Insignificant Beings next to The Almighty. And yet He chose to give us Worth! Never forget your value - your Beauty. It cannot be seen in this Life. But God is outside of Time. And with Him, you can glimpse Truth that cannot be seen as we are now.
End Ramble and Good Night
Thursday, November 30, 2017
Friday, November 17, 2017
Thanksgiving
This is the week so many of us will sit around a table, bow our heads and give Thanksgiving to God for the gifts in our lives.
I beg your pardon if I'm a little early.
But I was thinking, or course. It is midnight and all. Everyone should know by now that I don't want to be here. This world, this life - this is not where I belong. I haven't wanted to be here for most of my adult life, and often tried to escape. But God of course said no. And then He went all sneaky on me. He gave me His strength. He showed me my worth. He showed me GoOD. He taught me how to truly LIVE.
Life will never be easy. Not for Christians. If your life is comfortable - you're doing something wrong. The Bible consistently warns us of this. But what God does - is make Life as a Follower of Christ - WorthIt.
And that is where my Thanksgiving lies this year.
I know me, more and more lately. The woman God made me to be. I know my limits. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know that my mind is stronger than any other part of me. It rules over my body and my heart. If things don't make sense - well - I have never handled that well. Middle school algebra had both my mom and I in tears. And it only got worse from there.
But God knows inside and out, from before I was born. He knew the depths of my need before it existed. I need control. We all do. Control is the number one coping method for keeping fear at bay. Knowledge is a form of power. When scared, power gives you a sense of security. Knowledge has always been my ultimate security blanket. And God let it be ripped away.
For so many years Life didn't make sense. I didn't underatand it. I didn't understand myself or others. I didn't understand the Pain. And so i didn't know what to do. And no one could help me. Not because they didn't want too. But help didn't exist for me then. Nothing the doctor's tried, nothing the church did, or my family and friends even - helped me. And I drove myself mad trying to make sense of it. Trying to fix what was Broken in my own mind.
And when I had been at my lowest point several times. When I gave up on killing myself because "God won't fucking let me die." When I cursed Him for keeping me here, in this fucked up world, when I conceeded that He was in charge -- and begged Him to help even though I was of the opinion that He was a cruel, vicious God -- He went and got sneaky on me.
He wormed His way into my heart like a navy seal on a top-secret mission. He earned my Respect, Trust, Love and Thanksgiving. He let everything be ripped away from me. Which is exactly what I deserved. And then when I cursed His name - He repaid me with what I always wanted. It makes sense now. All of it.
Truly. Because even if it doesn't make sense to me - it makes sense to Him. And it makes sense to Trust Him with things that don't make sense to me. You still with me?
And so the one thing I always needed - He let me ripped from me -- but returned to me in a way that is Pure and Holy. He gave me more than my sanity back. He gave me more than information. He gave me more than the reason for Life. Which, consequently, is still not 42. He gave me reasons to LIVE.
I want to be here. Not because I'm happy and comfortable. Because I follow Him. Because I trust Him. Because He is my God and I am His for whatever He wants. And He wants me here. He has purpose for me in this life. And He is even kind enough to make Living here and following Him - WorthIt.
I don't ever want to grow accustomed to living with sin. But I praise God for all the Good He shows me. All the Good in others, in myself, and in the World He created. This is part of my purpose. This is part of who He created me to be. And it is a direct result of all my shit. I have a passion for finding Him. It makes sense :) He taught me that.
So this Thanksgiving I praise Him for all this and more. Thank You for making sense. Thank You for teaching me how to see things through Your eyes. Thank You for giving me purpose. Thank You for Your kindness - for giving me what I needed to Trust You, even when I don't deserve such a thing. Thank You for You. I never had the audacity to ask for such a gift as Salvation. But You gave it to me regardless. Even when I tried to reject in on the basis of my Worthlessness - You showed me where my Value lies.
Without You - I am nothing. But with You - I am Worth more than I comfortgable with, that's for sure. Thank You my Lord. You fucking Rock :')
Shut up. End Emotional Thanksgiving Ramble.
I beg your pardon if I'm a little early.
But I was thinking, or course. It is midnight and all. Everyone should know by now that I don't want to be here. This world, this life - this is not where I belong. I haven't wanted to be here for most of my adult life, and often tried to escape. But God of course said no. And then He went all sneaky on me. He gave me His strength. He showed me my worth. He showed me GoOD. He taught me how to truly LIVE.
Life will never be easy. Not for Christians. If your life is comfortable - you're doing something wrong. The Bible consistently warns us of this. But what God does - is make Life as a Follower of Christ - WorthIt.
And that is where my Thanksgiving lies this year.
I know me, more and more lately. The woman God made me to be. I know my limits. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know that my mind is stronger than any other part of me. It rules over my body and my heart. If things don't make sense - well - I have never handled that well. Middle school algebra had both my mom and I in tears. And it only got worse from there.
But God knows inside and out, from before I was born. He knew the depths of my need before it existed. I need control. We all do. Control is the number one coping method for keeping fear at bay. Knowledge is a form of power. When scared, power gives you a sense of security. Knowledge has always been my ultimate security blanket. And God let it be ripped away.
For so many years Life didn't make sense. I didn't underatand it. I didn't understand myself or others. I didn't understand the Pain. And so i didn't know what to do. And no one could help me. Not because they didn't want too. But help didn't exist for me then. Nothing the doctor's tried, nothing the church did, or my family and friends even - helped me. And I drove myself mad trying to make sense of it. Trying to fix what was Broken in my own mind.
And when I had been at my lowest point several times. When I gave up on killing myself because "God won't fucking let me die." When I cursed Him for keeping me here, in this fucked up world, when I conceeded that He was in charge -- and begged Him to help even though I was of the opinion that He was a cruel, vicious God -- He went and got sneaky on me.
He wormed His way into my heart like a navy seal on a top-secret mission. He earned my Respect, Trust, Love and Thanksgiving. He let everything be ripped away from me. Which is exactly what I deserved. And then when I cursed His name - He repaid me with what I always wanted. It makes sense now. All of it.
Truly. Because even if it doesn't make sense to me - it makes sense to Him. And it makes sense to Trust Him with things that don't make sense to me. You still with me?
And so the one thing I always needed - He let me ripped from me -- but returned to me in a way that is Pure and Holy. He gave me more than my sanity back. He gave me more than information. He gave me more than the reason for Life. Which, consequently, is still not 42. He gave me reasons to LIVE.
I want to be here. Not because I'm happy and comfortable. Because I follow Him. Because I trust Him. Because He is my God and I am His for whatever He wants. And He wants me here. He has purpose for me in this life. And He is even kind enough to make Living here and following Him - WorthIt.
I don't ever want to grow accustomed to living with sin. But I praise God for all the Good He shows me. All the Good in others, in myself, and in the World He created. This is part of my purpose. This is part of who He created me to be. And it is a direct result of all my shit. I have a passion for finding Him. It makes sense :) He taught me that.
So this Thanksgiving I praise Him for all this and more. Thank You for making sense. Thank You for teaching me how to see things through Your eyes. Thank You for giving me purpose. Thank You for Your kindness - for giving me what I needed to Trust You, even when I don't deserve such a thing. Thank You for You. I never had the audacity to ask for such a gift as Salvation. But You gave it to me regardless. Even when I tried to reject in on the basis of my Worthlessness - You showed me where my Value lies.
Without You - I am nothing. But with You - I am Worth more than I comfortgable with, that's for sure. Thank You my Lord. You fucking Rock :')
Shut up. End Emotional Thanksgiving Ramble.
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