Women's Core Fear of Men

One of my most popular blog posts was Attention: Cary, NC - based on the difficulties of being a pedestrian in this town of Entitled Drivers. It's dangerous to walk around anywhere here in Cary.  Aye - there are Greenways...that close at sundown. People also typically drive and park to use those. In order for me to get to the closest ones to me, I still have to walk about 20 minutes. And while there are a good number of sidewalks throughout Cary, most of them aren't maintained well or are simply decorative. I have tripped countless of times and have learned which ones are best not to run on at all. And even when I am lucky enough to get to use a sidewalk somewhere - it switches from one side of the street to the other without any kind of safety feature! Add to that the majority of Cary sidewalks are unlit for sporadic distances it really is only best to walk them when the sun is up. But the main reason for fear is not sketchy individuals - it's not safe Mainly because of oblivious drivers. Most intersections don't have a crosswalk and even when they do - drivers do not heed them. They aren't used to pedestrians and the majority of scares I have walking places are crossing major intersections -on my turn!- because some asshole doesn't even notice me. They even have the audacity to honk at me as if I have no right to delay them 30 seconds on their 15 minute commute when my average commute is an hour. And that is why I wrote my original post. The honking. DO. NOT. HONK AT ME. I will Never be Ok with it. Period. And let me explain that Again for those who are new to my life. I'll use a nice example from last night to show you exactly how shitty it is to be an independent, single girl who loves to walk as much as I do.

People know I love to PokemonGo. Not as many know I am a solid, intense introvert. I need my alone time something Fierce. With two roommates, even as Awesome as they are - I rarely get it at home either. So I go for runs and walks often. I usually end up at a coffee shop or store or something to refresh and then head home or wherever I need to be next. It's a nice way to enjoy my alone time and PokemonGo has introduced me to a ton of cool places that are fun to hang when I just want to listen to my music and keep to myself. One particular place are the gardens by the Police Department, because it's safe. And because I am a night owl - I really enjoy late night shenanigans, but as a single girl - it's often impossible for me to go anywhere and have fun after 10pm by myself. So finding these gardens was really a Godsent. I also made sure to find a safe route to them as well as a charged phone and my mace in hand any time after the sun sets. I usually only get cat-called, which is bad enough. But I've said it before. It only takes one man, one man who's a little too intoxicated. One man who's a little crazier than the rest. One man who's angry at life. It only takes -- One.

I can't tell which one it could be. I can't even see well with my glasses, so I can't even read their expressions OR see if I even know them half the time. Oh - btw - in Cary, the sketchiest and most likely to try to get me to go home with them are the ones in the real nice cars. So as much as I love a sleek corvette or a gorgeous mustang - I avoid looking at them at all costs when they drive by. And day or night, men drive past me and honk. They catcall. They jeer. They squeal their tires and peal out to get my attention. Some girls think this is cute. They probably don't have as much experience with it as I do. Often that is all guys will do, but then there are the men who slow down and offer me a ride. That's why I always walk towards traffic if there is an option. Guys don't have an easy time doing that then. They still will though. They'll pull up a neighborhood down from me and wait for me. Friends do this also, which makes it even scarier - as much as I appreciate it when my friends do it. I get closer and closer to the car and I don't know if it's a stranger or a friend. And as often as friends will randomly stop to pick me up - strange men still outnumber them.

Vice Social Experiment

And what do I do? You would have to know the man to know the best route to get them to leave you alone. Every man is different in how he needs to be rejected without getting angry or upset. Ignoring them is Definitely NOT the best option. That makes most men incredibly angry. Neither is saying anything to them. That is usually seen as encouragement. Typically your best bet is to just walk by, meet their eyes as you do and nod amiably, but pretend to be completely oblivious. Also why I always have my earbuds in whether I'm listening to music or not. I can always pretend I couldn't hear them asking if I want a ride. Many girls have a righteous anger when it comes to this. "Just tell them to fuck off!" I hear many girls(and men) tell me. Because I'm not a Fool people. Well - normally I'm not.

It does anger me and I have told men to fuck off. The results have proved disastrous. Last night was a prime example. I left the house rather late - 11:30. But it was Friday night and I wanted to go sit by the fountains and enjoy the four pokemon lures that are pretty much always present there. I was happy and I grabbed my purse and keys, put my music in and started walking the safest route I know in Cary. Lit the entire way, in constant use and frequently patrolled by police - it's become fun to walk even at night. I stopped having panic attacks just a couple months ago on my daily runs when guys would honk or catcall me and being able to walk a safe route after dark has been a big, exciting step. Or, it was I guess. I don't know when I'll be able to get the courage back to walk it again.

A guy honked at me. I flicked him off as has become my response to people doing this. I figure nobody should honk at women walking places and therefore be it friend or foe - you are gonna get my middle finger to understand exactly how distasteful this practice is to me. I kept walking and didn't think much of it until he turned around and pulled up offering me a ride. My heartrate spiked and I adjusted the mace in my hands. I snapped at him that I didn't need one. No cursing. I was just scared. I turned my music up after that and kept my eyes low on my shadow. Good thing about shadows - often with sidewalks lamps, the shadows are such a way that I can see people before they get to me. It's a good thing to watch when you're paranoid. And I thought I was just being paranoid. I thought I heard more honking and such. A guy pealed out at some point near me. I just kept walking with my eyes down and occasionally digging the keys into my hand so I would keep moving. I figured once I calmed down everything would be normal again. After another incident at the stoplight I took a moment to hide around a corner at a shopping center to vent my frustration. I kicked a trashcan, yelled and then cried for a bit while I caught a pidgey that was being difficult. It got away and made me laugh, so I came out of hiding and kept walking. I was scared but finally calming down.

I was just hitting downtown Cary after my rather slow jaunt when that guy was there again. The same guy. I'm not sure if he was going back and forth down the street trying to get my attention. But he was certainly angry with me at this point. He yelled something at me and I flicked him off and yelled fuck you back at him. He pealed out angrily. It was not my proudest or my smartest moment. I was absolutely terrified was my only excuse. And it was definitely stupid. He had to have been following me for 20+ minutes but could no longer because there was a construction barrier up for cars. However I could and did and I didn't leave. Every guy I saw scared me then. I didn't even know if he had parked and gotten out to come after me on foot. I could see his car in the dark with my crappy eyesight, but not his face - so I didn't know if any of the men walking around were him. And with construction shutting down for the night, lights were going out and there were a lot of dudes walking around. In the end I sat in an extremely well it spot behind the barrier and called a girlfriend to come take me home. I was close to hysterics and knew the night was only going to get far worse if I tried to walk with that level of fear. She came and took home. She held me as I cried, ranted on men and sent me inside after I calmed down to eat a cookie. A far better result than many of these incidents.

For I have many of these stories. This is not unusual at night or in the day. It is a scary part of being a woman. One of my girlfriend's rants that made me feel better about being scared, was that men's top fear in regards to women is being laughed at. What's women's? Being raped and murdered or both. You see my passion for the differences between men and women. One of the biggest - is the consequences. A woman goes crazy, she'll likely hurt herself or hurt herself trying to hurt someone else. A man goes crazy? People die. That's probably why guys have a better lock down on that shit. If I lose my cool and hit a guy he will probably just think I'm cute and end up wanting to date me. If a guy does that? I'd end up hurt or seriously injured. Men have to learn very early on to control their tempers because whether we like to admit it or not - we females are pretty fragile. Our bodies are typically much more breakable. It's one of the reasons our minds are such excellent weapons for defense as well as offense. They have to be. If a guy got so angry he couldn't hold onto his rage - a woman needs to be able to know how to calm him down. Pinning him to the ground till he cools off is not an option for most of us.

And while there's absolutely No Way to 100% be able to avoid these situations - preventative measures are still the best bet. As in - don't flick off random guys and certainly don't yell fuck you at them without backup. Even with backup - probs not your best bet. But seriously now. Don't ignore the danger - even in Cary. Alone, as a girl is simply not safe anywhere. We may be adults - but the buddy system is still a very valuable safety feature. A phone, mace, even a whistle are smart to carry when walking around. But above all - Trust. You must Trust in God. He knows I trust Him. He knows that although I'm now terrified of being raped and painfully murdered, if that was to happen - I Trust Him with the fallout. God is not the one who sends evil after us. He is the One Who takes evil and Utter Brokenness and turns it into something Beautiful. He is the only One who can do this.

That is why a baby born of rape is often so cherished and so therapeutic for many women. Because that is the Good that came out of Evil. There is Good in every situation - you just have to find it. If you're having a hard time - ask God to be more clear. He doesn't have to, but often He will. Sometimes it is simply because we asked, that He does so. He kinda loves it when we stop being so foolish as to think we can do it on our own and finally turn to Him. Particularly with the little things. Many times I think that's why He answers the small requests the most - because those are the ones we rarely ask His help with. But remember. God never promised to keep us physically safe. In fact - He warned us of quite the opposite as a follower of Christ - we will be persecuted. Not just by men - but by Evil. However - we are Promised something Far Greater. Something that is even worth being raped and tortured for. For better is OneDay in His Courts than a 1,000 elsewhere. And that is a Promise I treasure more than ANY other.

Even this Beautiful Disney Moment

Emotional Reasoning - What is it?

Honestly - I'm not entirely sure how to explain it. And that's kinda the point and also why it gets a hella amount of slack if someone even takes the time to try to understand it. My rants on the differences between men and women and how society has given up on seeing women's Strengths as important, often involve this subject. I always get blank looks when I discuss this phrase "Emotional Reasoning" or people just hear the word "Emotions" and completely misinterpret what I'm trying to say. While Emotional Reasoning does include emotions - it's a far more complicated subject. So take a seat and lets see if I can explain how important it is to a world that is so keen on Logic.

I've said it before and I'll say it again and again till people not only hear me but hear me. Till people stop pretending they understand the basics when they simply don't. No one does, it's a neglected subject. I don't fully understand it - not even my therapist does I have no doubt. Although that may be partially cause he's a dude ;) Jk! Let's start with the Basics of Logic then.

What pops on Google is this:

Now lemme show you what Wikipedia's thoughts are on this subject:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Logical_reasoning

I realize the print is very small - I myself cannot read it. I shared the link but I will also highlight the important aspects to what I'm attempting to explain. One - the types of people who Love logic...typically love Deductive Logic the best. It's what drives math and science and all those Engineer Minds that I Love SO Much <3 Science also needs Inductive reasoning however and that's where things start to get tricky...

"Conclusions reached by the inductive method are not logical necessities; no amount of inductive evidence guarantees the conclusion. This is because there is no way to know that all the possible evidence has been gathered, and that there exists no further bit of unobserved evidence that might invalidate my hypothesis."

You see. Logic is Never Enough. Logic only get's a person so far. It needs more. And while Wikipedia goes on to name things like "Inductive-Creative Reasoning" and "Abductive Reasoning" - these are really just more aspects of the loosely coined term "Emotional Reasoning". Whereas men were created with the ability to excel in Logic, women were created to compliment them - to Help them. The lines between men and women have been blurred over the years and there are now many women who excel and logic and men who have an amazing understanding of emotional reasoning...but there is still that divide, even though it's no longer based on gender. There is still that flaw in society that says my side is better, my reasoning is the only one that matters. NO. Stop that nonsense and listen.

Logic is Very needed...but it Is NOT Enough. And I'll try and explain why. Keep in mind I have only begun to understand myself. Logic often gives a person the facts they need to understand the particulars of a situation. It can even come up with a solution for many. But in this world and today's society the variables are as numerous as the stars in the sky and logic is Not Enough. I keep saying that - and I can see you going yeah - we get it already, move on. NO. You don't get it. I'm so sad you think you do. Let's see if I can give you a basic example of how logical reasoning is so infallible.

You have a friend on facebook. I use that word loosely because this person is not actually you're friend anymore. You met them in college and you stay friends with them hoping God will use you in their life one day. Their Profile says they graduated quite respectably but they are currently working at a restaurant and letting their degree "go to waste". They must make a semi-decent wage because of how often they go out and party. Totally irresponsible when they have a kid they should be taking care of. They spend all their money on alcohol and ridiculous things they don't need when they should be focused on finding a "real" job and making a "good" home for their kid.

Everyone has a friend like this in some form or fashion. A "pity friend'. Someone they look down upon and hope one day they will "get their act together". A person who makes all the wrong choices and logically, the reasons are dumb. Logically they should see the big picture. Logically you can probably even see what is keeping them from success, what the Problem is in their life. I'm going to try to say this carefully, but I'm pretty emotional at this point.

What is Wrong with You?!?

How are you so Naive and Blind that you cannot see the Big Picture yourself?!?

You people who I have always seen as So Wise - as SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME...

How are you this much of a FOOL?!?

And yes - I was careful in what I just said. The first time I tried to type only two words came out and it sounded a lot like "love you" except quite the opposite.

I look at you guys as my heroes in so many ways - but sometimes my jaw drops to the floor with what you say or what you See in a situation. You are blinded by your own sin. You are judgmental, logical and missing what God is trying to show you. There are SO Many reasons why someone would drink. Why they would buy a nice car or new phone instead of food. Why they have a shitty job and party every night. But you don't see any of those reasons do you? You see the girl dancing at the club in photos with her tiny dress on and making out with a stranger and you come up with logical reasons. You use logic to determine why people are what they are and it's Driving People Away from the Cross. Because it is NOT ENOUGH.

Logic is not ever going to see that a person was raped. Logic won't tell you if a person was abused as a child. Logic won't tell you this person was left at the altar on their wedding day. Logic won't tell you when someone lost a child or that a person was in such a bad accident their trigger sends them into a full-fledged panic attack. Oh - you think it will? You think "Well - they should tell people that then." Oh my. Fuck! You seriously think anyone would tell you guys things like that?! You think, sitting there on your high horse, seeing only the surface problems, seeing only what is LOGICAL that anyone would give you MORE?! Fool. You are a FOOL.

Tell me what you would do if you were going to graciously help a family move and when you came to help, they weren't even done packing. What would you do? I have come across this problem several times. It angered me the first time. When I was a big fan of logic. When I was a big fan of not seeing past the surface of the situation. I know better now. I know that there is more to a situation than what meets the eye and that is what I would call a basic explanation of emotional reasoning. It's the ability to see the complexities of life. Logic's biggest strength is the ability to simplify a situation 1+1=2. But emotional reasoning does the opposite. And guess what? Sometimes things need to become more complicated, NOT to be simplified. God put TWO types of people on this earth because we need each other. We Compliment Eachother. Logic is not enough and neither is emotional reasoning. We need BOTH.

So for you engineers friends of mine - you know I love you guys. I brag on you constantly, but I'm tired of trying to explain this. You often say you don't have the energy to have to dumb down the answer to a complicated question involving mechanics. When I ask for help with something - I don't always have the energy to dumb down the emotional reasoning for why I'm asking to you. If you've been reading this and following me it should logically make sense that it is far harder to explain my reasoning to you than it is for you to explain how pistons work to me. Your strengths lie within simplifying life. I love that. Mine lies in seeing life's complexities. When you ask me to explain them to you, you want the answer simple. I cannot do that - it is not my strength. I cannot shorten an email easily. I cannot be concise without hours of editing. Literally - Hours.

But because of y'all's Amazing Influence in my life - I've gotten better at explaining things in a way that is even slightly understandable. My growth is in good part thanks to the men in my Study - who want to understand So Bad and have given me SO Much Patience as I try to simplify things for them. But it's hard for me and many others. And it's even harder when the world - and in this case, many of my friends and most of my church family - cannot see that logic is not enough. That simple is not the best. That complications are important. It's hard to see that the strengths God gave me are important in the Work we are to do for Him here when those you trust flat out tell you they are weaknesses. When I am not respected or even listened to because of them.

You realize that, right? People, particularly women - are not respected for their strengths. And they are blatantly ignored for them. What happens when a woman sounds illogical? When you cannot follow her train of thought and she's saying things that seemingly have no pertinence to the conversation? You know what you do. You mark her down as crazy, as spazzing out, as being on her time of the month, etc. You stop listening and honestly - you typically lose a bit, or a lot of respect for her because of it. And depending on the emotions that she added to the mix - you might even avoid her for a while. Oh - you poor boys. That you can be So Wise and So so Foolish. If you don't know why this is foolish - go talk to God. I'm out of energy trying to explain the complexities of life to you.

But one last thing. I'm not saying that men, or logical people need to be able to do emotional reasoning well. You don't. The same as women Do NOT need the strength of logic. Again and again I have said we are to compliment eachother. This is not necessarily done by adopting another's strengths. However - we do need to Respect them. We need to at least try to Understand them. And above all - we need to LOVE. Even if you don't understand. Even if you don't respect. You should Never be Unkind. You should never be Unloving. You would think I wouldn't have to say that by now. And yet - sadly it is the one area I see Christians as a Body struggle with the Most. We need to Follow God and we need to learn to Love as He does. It is more important than Logic. Logic is fallible. Love Never Fails.

And for the friend who said I have a knack for Evangelism. You're only partially wrong. I have a passion for Love. I have a passion to understand it and to learn to do it better. This is what drives my ability to talk to non-Christians so easily. This is why people pour out their hearts and souls to me in a line at ChikFilA. We are all here to spread God's Word. It is not just my strength - but I've learned how to do it better, although not easily - because I see the importance in trying to understand that Powerful word "Agape". It drives my growth. It drives me. And we should all have a passion for this as it is the foundation of the Two Greatest Commandments. If anyone looks back at any of the blogs where I have called people out as a Fool, the reason stems from my frustration in an inability for legalistic Christians to obey God in this. You twist the Bible for your own gain and others suffer for it and I'm Done with it being ok.

And please keep in mind, it is not fun for me to convict others of this or anything. If you haven't figured it out yet - my anxiety skyrockets for days after I post one of these. Often Pain hits and I end up passing out from it. Just because you may have the ability to convict others easily - does not mean everyone does. I have begged God not to make me the fucked up poster child of the mental world. I have begged Him not to need me for this - to just take me Home. I may not anywhere near to as Awesome as Elijah - but I can definitely relate. I'm tired of being persecuted for following God, by the world but more, by Christians. I'm tired in general. I don't want to do this. God is insisting. And I promised I'd follow Him. Though I stumble and curse and bemoan that I hate Him. He knows me. He knows that I'm not perfect and that I follow Him in everything, but that I'm also stubborn and difficult and He loves me for my spunk. He loves me for my sass. Even though I may blasphemy and be very cruel - He knows my heart. My One Desire is to Love as He does. And He has promised that OneDay - I will. That day is not today. Although I am getting better, this post is far from perfect. It is a post based in Love, but I realize it is not said as well as it could be. I am a fucked up follower of Christ, battered and broken - but He takes me as I am. He sees past what I am trying to say to the God-in-me. I ask that you do the same. Find God in this post, even though it may anger or sadden you. Look past the grammatical or theological errors. Look past the cursing and blasphemy. Find God. He is everywhere and in everything. He's all those omni words. I mean - you know this. I don't need to point out that you can see God in Any Situation. You just need to know how to look - or pray for the blindfold to be taken off your eyes that you may see the Truth that you may be missing. It sucks to see your secret sins. It sucks to find yet another way you're screwing up. But it's Good for us. It's Good to be convicted. Some of us I find just need it more than others. I certainly don't understand that well. I don't need conviction from others. I give it to myself on a minute-to-minute basis. And if I don't - God does. But I understand there are those who actually struggle with humility. Who need it. I don't really understand that - it's one of the reasons my posts get so passionate actually. My own sin in lacking empathy for others. I don't understand why you all need to be told this stuff. But it's obvious in so many of the conversations I have that you do. It's easy for me to see the sin in my own life - and it's a frustration of mine when people are unable or unwilling to see it in themselves. I often think. Don't you want to know? Don't you want to fix it? Don't you want to be sanctified? Cause the first step to any growth - is acknowledging you need to grow. Conviction is just that. And I think that may be why many don't like it. They like to think that after 20+years of following God they are past the first step already. Sorry - that's not how it works. Sanctification is not just your life as a whole, but is in various aspects of your life. You can be more mature in some areas than others. And every day you should be starting at Step One in something. If you don't think this is something you should need to do - there's a good chance that is why you're growth is stagnate. And it is why my growth is rapid. I know I am fucked up. I know every day there is a struggle to find and conquer with God's help. I seek out the sin in my life and I learn to Hate It as I should. I am a weak, wretched sinner - and it is in this weakness that God is seen most clearly. So perhaps consider that as well. in this now rambling blog. Consider whether being seen as strong is truly a strength. Logically - it is. But then - God does not use just logic does He? In fact - He typically defies it. And that is why I called out Fool in the beginning. To see God in Life - you must use more than logic. Logic will never be enough. Not even emotional reasoning will be. God also requires Faith. Not Blind Faith necessarily - but Faith nonetheless. And I'll save that post for another day. I Love you guys - even if I often sound harsh. If you not only knew me, but understood me - you would easily see that this is proof of my Trust in you. The trust that you won't abandon me even though I'm about to post this and call you out on your bullshit again. And now I'm just procrastinating on pressing the publish button. Bollucks.

P.s. I don't like editing anymore. It takes a kind of strength that I don't have right now. So you'll have to see past the mistakes yourself. Don't worry - that kind of thing inspires growth too ;)

A Ramble on Home

What do you do when you're having a rough day/week/month/life? When you have such a difficult time falling asleep because you know that this day was hard and tomorrow is going to be even harder. When every day takes so much energy to get through? When two of the most common phrases you say to yourself are "I don't want to play anymore" as if LIfe is some big cruel game of Jumanji & "I want to go Home now" because this world frankly Blows. And it's not supposed to be fun. We were kicked out of our Home and until Eternity begins this time period is one big Israelite Desert Lifestyle. Eventually we will get to go to the Promised Land, but not yet. So what do we do while were stuck int he desert, eating mana and buggies, living in tents aka Cary, NC/Munich, Germany/Charlottesville, Va? We Trust in the only thing Trustworthy. We follow God, even when He leads us places we do not wish to go. Even though our friends or community or family or church may not follow Him all the time themselves, that's no excuse. I have to remind myself of this often. We follow God. Through the hardship and disaster - we follow him and keep an eye out for the rainbows. For He promised we will make it Home and He shows us these promises throughout every fucked up situation. Even in the Valley of Shadows and Death - you will see a waterfall. I know - I just passed it. You will see butterflies as you climb the Cliff's of Insanity. Even the depths of hell cannot keep God out. He is everywhere and you are Never Alone. When you saw only one set of footprints - it was then that He carried you. The thing is - you were so out of it you never saw him. You were so drugged up, doped up, or beaten senseless that when you came to - you thought you walked it yourself. But no - we are never alone. Even though we often feel that way. We look around and think nobody could possibly relate and that's not true either. We search for just one person who understands and will ease that pain and when we think we've found them - we give them all of ourselves and this is often why many women end up pregnant and alone. This is why many couples are in unhappy marriages that started out so perfect. You cannot find your sense of purpose in another. You cannot find your sense of self. You cannot find your happiness, your confidence, your Hope. No - you cannot put your Hope in man or woman. You must place it in the only One who can handle that kind of co-dependency. The One who can not only handle it, but Demands it. You must give everything to Him - heart, mind, body and Soul. Only then will you be able to know true Love. And it comes at a price. But this world is already a dystopian society. We're all just trying to survive it. We are not civilized! Anything but. We are broken people who live in a Broken world. We have a broken society and the Church Body itself is comprised of Broken Christians. We screw shit up. We turn away from God and blind ourselves to our own sins. We do not speak out when we should and we shout when we should be silent. And above all we ignore the Two Greatest Commandments. I look around and daily - it sickens me. Not the world. I do not blame those who are blind and have no way to see. I look at those with the vision to guide the world, who close their eyes to the Pain. I look at my own life and how long I have done that for myself and how I still do not speak out even when I do see clearly. But I have asked God to use me however He wants, no matter where it takes me. And often it seems to be to confront you, my fellow Christians - amazing people in many ways and just as fucked up as me and the rest of the world - but often unwilling to see or admit it. Open your eyes and look around. We are not Home. Stop trying to make yourself comfortable. And when you see what I do, it should bring you to your knees in Pain. But it doesn't stay like that - I promise. God is our Hope. He is our Deliverer. Once you truly SEE - you will initially be overwhelmed by the Devastation the Church has wrought and while you will never be truly unaffected by it, you will also see the Beauty in each travesty. God can use Anything for His Glory...and He does. Whether it be a fierce storm, a betrayal most heinous, a history of abuse, a decade plus of horrible errors - God can use it. It doesn't have to be Big either. God can use ANYthing and that means the little things. He choose a rainbow as as symbol of His Promise to us - an often small and pretty useless decoration that you can find in the oddest of places. If He can use that to inspire such Hope - what else can He use? I see how He uses the PokemonGo App daily - Go Team Mystique! I see how He uses silly little kittens. Or maybe hand-me-down clothes. A car ride. A home-baked meal or a burger off the dollar menu from MickeyDees. God is all around us, showing us we aren't alone, but the easiest way to see Him is through how He works through others. Was it coincidence that I wasn't yet in church and was able to receive a text that someone needed backup at the Welcome table? Or was it coincidence that a friend drove by and offered me a ride when I was running late? It must have been coincidence it rained when I was crying and washed my tears away with the joy of the storm. Yeah. No. Once is Chance. Twice is Coincidence. But three times is Conspiracy. Not a perfect analogy. But come on peeps - look at your life closer. How many coincidences are there? And why do you think they are such a thing? God not only cares about our needs. He cares about US. He is not a cruel Jailer for this world, as often as I tend to think that. He may have said I can't come Home yet - that I am needed in this Blasted World - but every time I cry out, He reminds me why it's Worth It. And it is. I see why all around me. I see Hope sparking within the Hopeless. I see Love growing in the Unloving. I see cold hearts thawing and joy coming to those Blessed Eeyores of this world. The War has been one, but the battle is not over. And yet, I see the tide shifting in my own life and in the lives of many others. I see more than ever before and even as I cry daily at the Pain in my own life and in so many lives around me - I no longer despair. I have lost Hope far too many times and God has taken pains to earn my Trust, although He should not have had to. And I do Trust HIm. I Trust that He knows how to Fix this Mess of a World. I trust that He is the only One Who can. I am a tool at His command - ready to be used for His Glory and the Salvation of the World. I will tell you something though - I often feel like I must be a hammer with how many migraines I get after a Good, God Day. Bother - I have one coming on now. This is enough for today. I'm tired, hungry, nauseous and in need of a nap. Maybe OneDay I will get to rest from God's purpose. But that day is not today. I am no prophet, but I relate to Cole's sermon on Elijah last week. I want to be Done, but God said no. So I will look for His whisper and pray that my retirement as a hammer comes earlier than Elijah's did. I am certainly not as strong as he was. But I will follow You, my Lord. No matter where You take me - I will go. I will also complain. I will yell and rant. I will cry and beg, but I will follow. I am not perfect and You know that better than anybody. You understand and You are gentle, whether it feels that way or not. It's not an appropriate request from one so low as myself - but I beg of You to remind me in the dark times that it is Worth It. I beg of You to remind me I'm not alone. I beg - Please - Please let me know You care that it Hurts. Because it does and often All I want is to be Home, comfortably snuggled with my loved ones on an over-sized stuffed chair listening to the beauty of the rain as it chimes outside. But that wasn't promised us. What was promised was that one day in your courts is worth a thousand elsewhere. And I will eagerly await that day as I sit by myself on a flooded basement floor. I will await that day with others as we bail the water out together, remembering this world is not perfect, but we have each other thanks to You. And even when we have no one - we need no one But YOU. And that is enough. With all the imperfect love that I possess ~Kt<3

I'm Sorry. But Why?

I will not edit what I wrote earlier, but I will say it wasn't easy. Letting people see a part of me that I show to very few and typically am given reasons to regret it later - it's not as easy as many of you seem to think it is. I am not an attention whore, despite what many have let me know through their words and actions that they think. I've learned to hide my pain. I've actually learned to hide every emotion. That is part of my mask. A necessary mask in this day and age that is So Real looking and can hide every emotion easily with little knowledge from those I wish to hide them from. I can blend into my surroundings no matter how I feel. I can hide happy as easily as sad and I often do. I hide every emotion. Emotions show vulnerabilities that expose me too much to a world full of people I don't trust. People I don't have reason to trust. People I have EVERY reason to Mistrust.

God is insisting I keep trying, even if it means exposing myself to more Pain. I've given you a weapon with this post. I give you all ammunition to hurt me each and every time I trust you with my vulnerabilities. That's why people wear masks. To protect themselves. I'm learning to take mine off, but it's not easy and I ask that you not take it for granted. If you see me -or have seen my emotions- happy or sad, angry or anything really, at any level -- it's because I'm trying SO Hard -or tried- to trust you. The struggle many see is not me trying to suppress the tears or laughter - but trying to allow them at all. And I've never known a person who didn't use this against me several times - if not too many to count. I understand why and I forgive them even when they don't know what they have done. But it's not ok and I've never allowed myself to say that. It's not ok to hurt people like this. Don't give me more reasons to think Trust is a bad idea when I already have a lifetime full of reasons to turn me away from The Church and everyone in it. I love you guys. But I'm Done with it being ok. It's not. Grow Up and learn to LOVE as God does.

This goes out to every Christian of all generations. You are driving men and women away from the Cross, away from Jesus with your airs of superiority and judgmental attitudes. You drove me away. God dragged me back. I thank Him every day for that. I thank Him every day for each of you. But none of us our perfect. And I see your strengths - they are many and are Beautiful to behold. But I also see your weaknesses almost as clearly as my own and it sickens me. My own sins drive me to my knees begging for forgiveness, literally. Do yours? If they don't - then this little rant is meant for you. This speech is not designed for my friends and family, nor my personal church. Although, many I know struggle with certain aspects of this along with the rest of the world. But this monologue is not a petty rant because someone hurt me. Not - this is an ongoing sin I see in The Church today. You have become modern pharisees and I am DONE with it being Ok.

Jesus Loves us - this I Know. But there's No Way He would join The Church in what it has become. There's no way He would promote the Hate that it promotes. And if you don't acknowledge that this is happening, then you are blinded to your own sins and unable to see the Pain that is all around you. The people begging for help and unable to find it in those uncomfortable pews, surrounded by hundreds of judgmental eyes. I will proudly call myself a "Bad Christian" because at least I'm not lying to myself. I am Broken and it is through this weakness that God is brought Glory. My weaknesses give me strength. For in them - I find Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9&10

If you seek Him, you will find Him. But I personally doubt He's gonna be in the pews at any church in this country.

~~~

I was sitting on my couch, attempting to read while the kittens were being hooligans all over the place and I got a life-changing email. It was from a friend inviting me to participate in an event they know I enjoy very much. The thing is, with life lately, I know I'm rarely enjoyable to be around. I expect people to simply do things without me when they cannot handle my level of intensity because that's how people work. So this invitation shocked me to my core. My emotions skyrocketed to feel a joy that had me sobbing for like 10 seconds. I didn't even know that was a thing - sobbing with joy. I mean, you hear it sappy books, but I thought it was just an expression. Silly me. I thanked them, did my happy dance and then cranked my music and tried to let myself enjoy this intense feeling of joy. But I'm still broken and it didn't last long. My core value is that I am Worthless. That is who I believe I am, deep down inside, subconsciously. Everyone has a root belief of who they are and it's doubtful you will know your own without some serious therapy. I didn't know till this year that -Worthless- was mine. And it is. I've been working SO Hard to change it. I know that it needs to be Beloved. For that is who I am - the Beloved child of God. But that is easier said than done. Every genuine compliment I receive and allow myself to believe, helps this. It's also incredibly difficult and painful to hear them. They shake my core value - the very foundation of who I am. Changing the core belief of who you is Incredibly tricky without bringing the whole house down. With God's help - I am doing so. Days like today - I worry that it will all come tumbling down. I stood at that sink and my joy turned to Pain as all I could think was "Why? Why would they do this for me? I'm not worth it." Those words themselves were a step in the right direction. At least I labeled the problem right away for once. I immediately turned off my phone and then asked two girlfirends for prayer as I closed my door and retreated to struggle with the idea of my value. Even now - I'm on the couch, knowing I'll get through this moment, however long it lasts - but begging for it to be over and done with now. I'm not worth it is a broken record inside my head and it feeds the Pain. I want it to stop. Please. Please make it stop. I'm struggling to remember it won't go on forever. It's hard to do this. But I remember the beginning of this writing - although I'm too far gone to be able to focus enough to see the words - that this will be a life-changing day. Every time I get through Pain like this - I grow. That fancy word sanctification. I'm guessing that if I get through this moment inside of time, where all my trillions of thoughts are focused on the pain and not any of the Good. Where only writing this is helping me remember the Big Picture so I don't start silently screaming. If I can get through this - I will be making a giant leap forward in changing the core belief of who I am. I am worth it. I just don't know that yet. One Day I will Believe...If I can survive this learning and growing process. One Day maybe it won't hurt this bad. There are many One Days and I have Eternity to enjoy them all. I need to remember that. I need to remember #OneDay. But right now - I think Imma go scream. It hurts too much. I'm so sorry. It's Worth It. I promise. It's Good for me too - I swear. It's just. It's Hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not normal or average. I'm sorry I can't even pretend to be and function. I love you guys.

~~~

I'm Sorry because my Core Identity tells me I'm Worthless. I'm sorry because I was taught by society, particularly within The Church, that I need to be. Many have the misconception that I have guilt and shame from my rather terrifying past. That the pain comes from my history. And by that they mean my party days. There is some truth to this. I have spent a decade feeding my core-identity with reasons to feel more worthless. For, even if I'm miserable, the house does not fall and my sanity remains intact. It is easy to hate myself and it is comfortable to do so. It is absolutely terrifying to believe anything else. I have had more one-night stands than I can count along with a couple threesomes. I've tried drinking, smoking and other substances. I have many tattoos and had a hella lot more piercings at various points in my life. And yet, with all my experience - I would be more comfortable giving you the details of my experimentation with girls than telling you I cried while watching Flicka. I would rather flick you off than let you see the joy that comes when I see a rainbow or feel the rain on my face. Why is this you wonder?

Because the Root of my Worthlessness did not begin with my first drink. It did not begin when I lost my virginity. It began way before that. And the things that shame me most - are the very strengths God gave me. I hate that I Care. I hate that I Feel. I even tend to hate that I Love. I have hated these things about myself SO Much. Why is that? When they are the Greatest Strengths God has bequeathed me. I know why. Perhaps you should ask God if the answer eludes you. And if you are like me in this, which many are, perhaps you should ask yourself why you hate your own God-given talents.

But don't ask if you aren't prepared for a very difficult answer. However - it is worth it - no matter how much I scream. I will always believe it's worth it. Especially on days like today when He reminds me, yet again, why I can trust Him. When He reminds me He loves me and that He will never leave me. He will never abandon me and He is always next to me getting me through the agony that comes with the assault of my emotions and the memories associated with them.

Thank You my LORD. There is NONE like YOU.

<3