A Ramble turns to ICE

I once shared a secret. A secret that is not really a secret. The secret of my Distrust. I do not Trust easily. I never have. Oh - I am willing to try. I have always started with the things that people find particularly shocking before I determine whether to move to the next level. Of course, I didn't know I did this. But someone pointed it out once. It made me think. Since then, I've thought much more. I mean, the fact that I've done many heinous things are not secrets to me. They are not things I have a hard time sharing. Do not think you have my Trust because I have shared them. Know that you were being tested if I have shared them. Most have failed that test. Frankly - it was not a good test. Nevertheless, very few were able to get past that point and so few realize what it means to have my Trust.

My Trust does not mean I share the skeletons in the closet. No, that is an average person. But I am not average. I am Crazy. In this case that means if you have earned my Trust you will know what makes me tick. You will hear stories of the things I Love most in this World. You will know what I value and why. And perhaps you know a little, perhaps I tried testing you on that level. Even more fail that Test of Trust than the First. Sharing what I love most, what I value the most, what people can use against me in anger - that is the Greatest Sign of Trust for me. There are very few in my past who I trusted with those weapons that can destroy my heart and mind, but a Great many today.

And yet - we are human. It is terrifying to Trust, to expose yourself to another. They will hurt you. Trust involves Pain when it is between to people filled with sin. I do not Trust people who will not hurt me with my own Trust. I Trust people for a variety of reasons, but the Greatest are that they know they hurt me and they make amends. I Trust people who learn from their mistakes and try not to hurt me. I Trust people who want to be Trusted with these things. Therefore - I often Trust people based mostly on the fact that they Understand that they are being Trusted and it is no little thing. They treat my Trust with care, because it is a Fragile thing indeed.

My Trust has not been around long. It was Broken too many times and I would not let God fix it. I tried to mend it myself. But not even Ducktape can piece together something like that. And so the more I was hurt, battered and broken - the less ease I had in putting it back together to try again. But no more. Now I have a Man who is Completely Trustworthy, and not even the fairy tale, movie kind. I have a Savior who has earned the Trust that He should never have lost. I don't deserve that. It still brings me to tears that He is willing to do such a thing for me. Yeah. Where are those damn tissues? Fuck. How the hell did I go through all those boxes? I never did this much crying before. Sanctification's obnoxious byproducts.

Anyways. I don't Trust. I never have. And the two groups I have trusted least are women and Christians. No, this is not going to be an convicting post. I want to understand something about myself, and the idea has already taken root and consumed me. Let me also prequel this with my personal dealings with anger. First - I get angry...A LOT. I get ALL emotions, except when I have numbed them. And I did that for a grand portion of my life. But when I feel, I feel EVERYTHING. And I feel it INTENSELY. So when I anger - I anger like a match lit close to a gas-leak. BOOM. And while you might be in the room, you may not even feel the explosion. Often, I contain it inside my own head. I do NOT like attention. Good or Bad - I cannot handle the spotlight. It comes with wanting so desperately to be normal(although I'm making fantastic headway with that struggle). But I do explode and I either find an outlet on another - or myself. Anger always needs an outlet. Every strong emotion does.

Usually I take it out on myself, but not always. The rare times I explode on another - it is a Scary, Dangerous and Horrible thing to behold. Bright, loud, catastrophic, but also quickly over. I do not stay angry. And afterwards, much like an explosion - I am spent and burnt out. And then I look around and see the damage I have wrought and I am Utterly Devastated. The Pain Never Fails to hit me after something like that. I hate myself with a vengeance that no other could possible turn towards me for even the most horrible thing I have done. And this is why I rarely explode. Why I would much rather hurt myself. Better to damage one already Broken than to break another. There are few I Trust in General, but only a handful I trust with my anger. If that. People who I know understand what is going on in my brain when that happens and are not quick to hurt me more than I am already hurting myself.

So that is my anger - I burn bright and fast and then I am Horrified with what I have done. Of course, I also have a cold anger. This is not one I often encounter within myself. Because of who I am and my shitty life experiences, if there is a way to forgive - I find it. There have been Very, Very few times I have burned so bright that I froze over. Even then, with God there is a way to thaw. But for me, when my anger lasts more than a couple of hours, I am on my way to freezing you out. There are three people in my life I have held a grudge against, a cold anger that burned as if it was hot, but without any explosion. All three are women. Only one was a non-Christian. I do not Trust Christians easily and I trust women even less.

Once upon a time all women were evil, because I lived in a world of black and white. Same with Christians. And if you've been following me you will know one of the Greatest reason my anger will ignite. I, like many, use anger as a defense. For Pain turned against another, particularly an attacker, allows you to escape it's cruelty and not feel as bad for it. Doesn't matter if the Pain was from that one person. If someone triggered a Great Deal of Hidden Pain through a small attack, lashing out at them can hide it safely away again. You can just pretend it was what they said or did that brought on such an extreme response, not what you have been hiding from yourself. There are many reasons to feel anger instead of Pain. Power. Control. Defensive Measures. Pain makes you vulnerable, anger can give you leverage.

I have been through that phase. It was not something I care to ever experience again. I know what it's like to use Anger for control, as a defense. I called her Ice Bitch. God banished her and I NEVER want to see her again. It is quite possibly the greatest reason anger terrifies me. I know I often talk about Pain, about others hurting me. But I realize I have talked very little about another aspect of that. I was hurt. You know this. I was beaten black and blue by many that I trusted. By my own church even. But I very rarely speak of what happened when they Broke me. I mean, I speak of it in a General sense. I ran away from God. But I rarely speak of how I did this. Why? I assume most of you already know and very few are comfortable with that knowledge. But perhaps it's time to put aside your comfort. People think I convict too much. It's a lose-lose situation. Let me take a moment to tell you of my faults. It does not make me uncomfortable. Although people's reactions to them do.

Very few can forgive me my history. Only God can do that. And so I rarely speak of it. But more and more lately I get the idea that I come across as preaching at people. Like I think I'm better them and without reason or cause to say what I say. When I was Broken by the Church and people I loved - I believed I deserved it. I believed that I was as Worthless as I was often treated. And at first I had hope. And over time that too was beaten out of me. And so I embraced my worthlessness. I grew to me miserably comfortable in my own shitty existence. And I not only shit on myself, but I asked others to shit on me. But there is no such thing as an innocent victim. I don't know where the movies got that idea. I also started shitting on others. I was the Ultimate Ice Bitch. You can only be hurt so long before you die or numb the Pain. But did you ever thing about what happens when you are numb? When you're heart turns to ice? My heart froze until it hardened. Then I no longer cared about myself or others. I was a wild card who was just surviving.

During those years I did whatever it took to keep the Pain locked away. I did drugs and I drank - but those never numbed my level of pain. However, they did help me to access what would. And so through the party world I found the men who would be willing to hurt me. Nothing intense or kinky. I was honestly too naive to know that kind of thing existed. I was always naive, just not innocent. But one of my favorite sayings was that "sex isn't any good if you don't come out of it with bruises and claw marks." And I had many. Oh - have I shocked you with my words? No - they don't shock me. Very little shocks me anymore. Until one day a man did. Just another man to screw. Just another man to get me through the night. Just another way to survive. But I woke up in his arms and he said something that makes me cry even now. He said "you are so sweet." To this day I will never forget that moment. The moment someone saw something I had long forgotten. Something he should Never have been able to see in me. He had already been warned away from me. He had already been told I was the workplace slut who doesn't even screw for money like the other girls. He was told I had Hepatitis and that I always go after the new guys, never caring if they had a girlfriend. Well, they got two out of three. But he still went out with me and it can only be God that gave Him the sight to see more than what was there. More than I even saw. From that day forward we were inseparable. Indeed, I can only remember one night apart after we started dating. For two and a half years we were together. He was my Best Friend. He saw in me what I had Long Forgotten and coaxed it back out a little at a time. He believed in me and I gave him my everything. Which is exactly what went wrong. This man became my savior. I gifted him my body, heart, mind and my SOUL. And yet - he was not Christ. Not only was he equipped to handle all that - but God is a jealous God and this man had become an idol to me. Eventually, he was taken away. But God is also a kind and loving God. We did not part on happy terms, but neither have I ever thought he was a bad man or cruel. He simply couldn't handle what only Christ can.

I was lost again after that. I never reverted back to the whore I was the days before this man attempted to rescue me. I respected him for what he had attempted to do too much for that. And so I did relationships instead, and then my boyfriend died. Things got messy after that. And that's my shit right there. I don't talk about it much because what's there to say? I usually just sum it up with "I'm a bad person". I have had more sex than I can remember and I was not just a victim, but a BITCH. There were men who fell for me. I wanted nothing to do with Love. I threw them to the curb like trash. There were women who were in relationships with the men I slept with, and I cared nothing for breaking them up. I wasn't eating and I was a tiny white girl who could get whichever man I wanted. There was no man I went after that I did not take. It became a game, the only thing that was of any worth to me at that time. And I was Skilled at playing it. There are very few times I lost that game and those men still hold a great deal of respect in my eyes for it.

So do not think I write convictions heedlessly. I write them because I know evil. I was it. I am not a good person. I am Broken and crying and screaming. I laugh as I cry and I bleed. I am not an untouched flower, but I am the Perfect storm on the sea. I will never be normal. How can I be? I have fucked too many. I have played too many games. I have broken too many others. I am a Bad Person. How can I be normal? How can I be normal when God fucking chose to save me? How can I not be different when I understand that God didn't chose his bride out of some fairy tale princess locked in a tower, no He chose to save the Ice Bitch reigning Devastation on so many lives. I was Maleficent, I was Every Evil Queen in Every Disney movie. I was a victim that ran away from her Pain, who ran away from God - and embraced Evil.

I am Broken.

I am Evil.

And yet - He chose me.

And I still don't understand! Particularly on nights where I remember. I remember those days where I reigned in my Broken, Worthless, Evil, seemingly beautiful body. Why do you think I hate being pretty? It reminds me of those days! I cannot convey how awful I was. I may fear emotions - but I fear the Numbness, the Icy anger Far More. And I knew it then. I was chosen and God was always trying to show me He loved me. But allowing Him to love me meant allowing myself to Feel. And the first feelings I never failed to feel when I tried to let myself - were Absolute Loathing. I Hated myself. The Hatred and Pain would wash over me like a Tsunami and then I would land in ICU. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how.

But God is a sneaky God. I love Him for that. And so He sent me people to teach me. Unbeknownst to some of them, and definitely to me. A therapist, a Study, a Changed Church - God slowly earned my Trust and taught me how to handle the Pain through others. And then, when I started speaking to Him again - He used many more methods. And now I KNOW. I Know He loves me. I Know He cares. I Know He chose me and that I am Valuable to Him. I Know He sees me as more than even a Broken tool. He sees in me SO Much more than I, or anyone. I was "sweet" to a man I didn't even know at the time. To God - I am Irreplaceable. I am Invaluable. I am worth Far More than Rubies. I could never argue that myself. I can barely Believe it myself. But He has proven it. Over and Over again, God has told me I am Worth it. That He has made me Worthy.

I am Priceless.

I do not deserve this. I do not deserve Him. But I have Him. I was Broken. I was Evil. And I was always HIS. He will never leave me nor forsake me - no matter how hard I run or how much I try to push Him away. I will never be Grateful for my History. I hate what I did. I hate who I was. I hate what happened to me that made me that way. But there is NOTHING in this World that God cannot Transform. And the Greatest Miracle I have ever witnessed is His transformation of me. So no - I am not normal. How can I be? With the life I lived - I was jailed only once for a dui, I never got pregnant, never got an std, no diseases of any kind. I have very few physical scars for what I have done and I'm somehow also ALIVE when the doctors said there was NO Hope for at least one of my suicide attempts. Because God chose me and He wants me here. He sees that there is work to do that I can help with. I am not only loved - but He wants to use me, to bring Him Glory! Me?! A once reigning Ice Bitch?! I'm to help GOD with GOOD. Fuck me man. You know how much that can mean to a once-named-whore like me?

I know I have a hard time Trusting. I know I have a Hard time Loving in a Godly way. I learned a lot of things in my life - I can see past a fake mask like it's that of a clown. Manipulative women are my specialty as I was one. If I mark a man as safe - then he is. I can read people easily, although the reasons for why they are uncomfortable, upset, angry, etc are subject to needing more information. I have honed many skills to perfect my role as Ice Bitch, but now I find I am having to update them if you will. With God in the mix, these skills are still helpful - but they need a new twist. I am not finding fake masks to know who my enemies are, but to know who the hurting are. Manipulative women are not the competition - they need to be loved. And while I can turn to men who I mark as safe - I do not need the protection of their bed from those that are unsafe.

The evil queen may have a rapid change of heart in the movies, but that is not the Real World. Here - there be Monsters. And here - it takes time to change from a monster to a hero of any kind. It's been several years since I started the process and many relapses. But I'm Changing. I'm Growing. I'm learning how to be the Woman that God sees in me. A woman I never knew. I know here now. I see who I am and bits of who I'm meant to be. And I don't hate myself. I hate what I was. But it no longer drives me to hurt myself or scream when I remember. I just cry. I cry a lot these days. I hate crying. I am not crying now. But my head hurts.

I hate ending on a bad note. This is known. So let me find that poem I wrote in a previous blog post and end with that. A poem I am transposing as a song, hopefully. Maybe I'll work on that next. Anyways - here it is:

I am His Perfect Storm

A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

Fear

I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.

Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.

Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.

I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.

When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.

Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.

I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.

You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!

You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.

But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.

So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.

When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.

And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.

And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.

But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.

I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.

No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.

But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.

There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.

Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.

One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.

With all my Imperfect Love

Let Go

I'm Intense. It's Well-known. I struggle with wanting to Live in this Fallen World. I often want God to bring me Home. This is not just me. I am not Unique. Nor am I normal. Throughout the world there are people who struggle as I do. Every person who has gotten deep with me has acknowledged they went through a point where they just didn't want to exist. Some of us have that point Every Day. We struggle with Pain - Every Day. We struggle in different ways. Not everyone is fearless of Death as I am, but that doesn't mean they Want to live. They just fear death a bit more than they fear life.

Now I ask you. What makes you so special? Why do you think you get to be different? Or maybe you think you deserve more cause you've earned it? You Fool. Nobody asks for Pain. They deal with it the best they know how and sadly it often just makes it worse. So what makes you think you deserve a Stress-Free Life? You don't think you deserve it? Good answer. Because you don't. You aren't even Hashtag "Blessed" with it. It does you Far More harm then you know.

So stop trying to avoid it. Stop trying to run away from situations that upset you. Stop avoiding the people that hurt you. You are to guard your heart against Evil - NOT Life. You do that and You. Are. A. FOOL. Wake up. Grow Up. Open you EYES and SEE. I'm tired of your spiritual immaturity. You don't deserve special treatment. Nobody does. Eventually it's time to acknowledge the fact that Life is Hard and it's going to get Harder.

So Own that Shit. Don't turn inward for answers. Turn to the One Who Knows ALL. Let Go and Let God. Lose Control. You'd be shocked with how freeing that can be. I know I am every day. We all want to control our lives or some aspect of it. We want power, not only over our destinies -- but over who we are and who we are to become. We want control over where we live, what we do, who we love. That's not ours to control. We don't get a say. Talk to God about what we want - Yes. I do Every Day. But acknowledge the fact that it's not up to you. It's not up to me. And when you finally Let Go of what You think you want - think you Deserve - you will get what you Truly Need. What God wants you to have.

It's hard to do. Like Hella Hard - I won't deny it. But Letting Go of what we want -- whether it be control, safety, security, contentment or even happiness -- You will Gain SO Much More. You will be Forever Blessed and in a way - you will have any and all of those idols. God wants us to be happy. He even understands our need for a Choice aka. Control. It's when those things become an idol that they wreck havoc on your life. Let it Go. Lose Control. Scream, Yell, Rant, Cry - Do something Stupid. Although - be prepared for the consequences. And then watch how God uses the idiot thing you did and makes it into something Beautiful. Watch and SEE that the Lord is Good and that He will Always Catch you when you fall.

I acknowledge that this is not necessarily the best way to break from an idol, but it is effective. And honestly, if you think you can wean yourself off of an idol like Happiness, Control or Contentment - you're fooling yourself Hardcore. Naw - those idols are Intense and they need Extremes to Break them. So here's some homework for you. If you find you struggle with NEEDING to be Happy, to not show that you are in Pain -- Let yourself Sob. For those who have mastered that - post a picture of your tears -- that shit aint easy to do. Believe you me. If you NEED to be Content or StressFree -- Put yourself in an Awkward situation. Go somewhere that make you uncomfortable. Take yourself outside your comfort zone while following God and see where He leads you. A piece of advice for that one - He won't show you where He's going until you're past ready to turn around and go back to your Comfort Zone. And if you NEED Control. Allow yourself to Lose It. I obviously wouldn't suggest in an illegal or harmful way. Take a baseball bat to a fence. Break a Dish. Be Passionate even if it means Cursing at God or kissing your crush. Go against your grain and Let Go.

Let Go and Let God. We say that but we don't apply it to our lives. I know I don't. I try and often Fail Miserably. But each time - I learn a little more. Each time I understand God a little better. It's seems a funny way to follow God - but Sanctification is just a fancy term for doing just this. I suggest you try it. Most people don't have a choice. Perhaps you do. So Choose Discomfort. Choose Stress. Choose God. Even if it means Dancing in the Rain like an Idiot while people watch from their apartments above. I wouldn't have done that before. I would have wanted to - but I never would have allowed myself to Let Go like that. Maybe a head bob, a little swagger in my step, but not a full out DanceFest in Public by myself. And I did. And it was SO Totally Worth It. Not every time you Let Go and seek Discomfort will there be consequences or the fears you anticipate. The majority of the time - Yes. But it's Worth It Overall. I Promise. He Promised. So don't trust my word. Trust His WORD.

And with all my Imperfect Love - I bid you adieu for today. Imma go take myself on an uncomfortable run where I will probably have a panic attack at least once...but I'll gain SO Much More <3

I'm Sorry. But Why?

I will not edit what I wrote earlier, but I will say it wasn't easy. Letting people see a part of me that I show to very few and typically am given reasons to regret it later - it's not as easy as many of you seem to think it is. I am not an attention whore, despite what many have let me know through their words and actions that they think. I've learned to hide my pain. I've actually learned to hide every emotion. That is part of my mask. A necessary mask in this day and age that is So Real looking and can hide every emotion easily with little knowledge from those I wish to hide them from. I can blend into my surroundings no matter how I feel. I can hide happy as easily as sad and I often do. I hide every emotion. Emotions show vulnerabilities that expose me too much to a world full of people I don't trust. People I don't have reason to trust. People I have EVERY reason to Mistrust.

God is insisting I keep trying, even if it means exposing myself to more Pain. I've given you a weapon with this post. I give you all ammunition to hurt me each and every time I trust you with my vulnerabilities. That's why people wear masks. To protect themselves. I'm learning to take mine off, but it's not easy and I ask that you not take it for granted. If you see me -or have seen my emotions- happy or sad, angry or anything really, at any level -- it's because I'm trying SO Hard -or tried- to trust you. The struggle many see is not me trying to suppress the tears or laughter - but trying to allow them at all. And I've never known a person who didn't use this against me several times - if not too many to count. I understand why and I forgive them even when they don't know what they have done. But it's not ok and I've never allowed myself to say that. It's not ok to hurt people like this. Don't give me more reasons to think Trust is a bad idea when I already have a lifetime full of reasons to turn me away from The Church and everyone in it. I love you guys. But I'm Done with it being ok. It's not. Grow Up and learn to LOVE as God does.

This goes out to every Christian of all generations. You are driving men and women away from the Cross, away from Jesus with your airs of superiority and judgmental attitudes. You drove me away. God dragged me back. I thank Him every day for that. I thank Him every day for each of you. But none of us our perfect. And I see your strengths - they are many and are Beautiful to behold. But I also see your weaknesses almost as clearly as my own and it sickens me. My own sins drive me to my knees begging for forgiveness, literally. Do yours? If they don't - then this little rant is meant for you. This speech is not designed for my friends and family, nor my personal church. Although, many I know struggle with certain aspects of this along with the rest of the world. But this monologue is not a petty rant because someone hurt me. Not - this is an ongoing sin I see in The Church today. You have become modern pharisees and I am DONE with it being Ok.

Jesus Loves us - this I Know. But there's No Way He would join The Church in what it has become. There's no way He would promote the Hate that it promotes. And if you don't acknowledge that this is happening, then you are blinded to your own sins and unable to see the Pain that is all around you. The people begging for help and unable to find it in those uncomfortable pews, surrounded by hundreds of judgmental eyes. I will proudly call myself a "Bad Christian" because at least I'm not lying to myself. I am Broken and it is through this weakness that God is brought Glory. My weaknesses give me strength. For in them - I find Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9&10

If you seek Him, you will find Him. But I personally doubt He's gonna be in the pews at any church in this country.

~~~

I was sitting on my couch, attempting to read while the kittens were being hooligans all over the place and I got a life-changing email. It was from a friend inviting me to participate in an event they know I enjoy very much. The thing is, with life lately, I know I'm rarely enjoyable to be around. I expect people to simply do things without me when they cannot handle my level of intensity because that's how people work. So this invitation shocked me to my core. My emotions skyrocketed to feel a joy that had me sobbing for like 10 seconds. I didn't even know that was a thing - sobbing with joy. I mean, you hear it sappy books, but I thought it was just an expression. Silly me. I thanked them, did my happy dance and then cranked my music and tried to let myself enjoy this intense feeling of joy. But I'm still broken and it didn't last long. My core value is that I am Worthless. That is who I believe I am, deep down inside, subconsciously. Everyone has a root belief of who they are and it's doubtful you will know your own without some serious therapy. I didn't know till this year that -Worthless- was mine. And it is. I've been working SO Hard to change it. I know that it needs to be Beloved. For that is who I am - the Beloved child of God. But that is easier said than done. Every genuine compliment I receive and allow myself to believe, helps this. It's also incredibly difficult and painful to hear them. They shake my core value - the very foundation of who I am. Changing the core belief of who you is Incredibly tricky without bringing the whole house down. With God's help - I am doing so. Days like today - I worry that it will all come tumbling down. I stood at that sink and my joy turned to Pain as all I could think was "Why? Why would they do this for me? I'm not worth it." Those words themselves were a step in the right direction. At least I labeled the problem right away for once. I immediately turned off my phone and then asked two girlfirends for prayer as I closed my door and retreated to struggle with the idea of my value. Even now - I'm on the couch, knowing I'll get through this moment, however long it lasts - but begging for it to be over and done with now. I'm not worth it is a broken record inside my head and it feeds the Pain. I want it to stop. Please. Please make it stop. I'm struggling to remember it won't go on forever. It's hard to do this. But I remember the beginning of this writing - although I'm too far gone to be able to focus enough to see the words - that this will be a life-changing day. Every time I get through Pain like this - I grow. That fancy word sanctification. I'm guessing that if I get through this moment inside of time, where all my trillions of thoughts are focused on the pain and not any of the Good. Where only writing this is helping me remember the Big Picture so I don't start silently screaming. If I can get through this - I will be making a giant leap forward in changing the core belief of who I am. I am worth it. I just don't know that yet. One Day I will Believe...If I can survive this learning and growing process. One Day maybe it won't hurt this bad. There are many One Days and I have Eternity to enjoy them all. I need to remember that. I need to remember #OneDay. But right now - I think Imma go scream. It hurts too much. I'm so sorry. It's Worth It. I promise. It's Good for me too - I swear. It's just. It's Hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not normal or average. I'm sorry I can't even pretend to be and function. I love you guys.

~~~

I'm Sorry because my Core Identity tells me I'm Worthless. I'm sorry because I was taught by society, particularly within The Church, that I need to be. Many have the misconception that I have guilt and shame from my rather terrifying past. That the pain comes from my history. And by that they mean my party days. There is some truth to this. I have spent a decade feeding my core-identity with reasons to feel more worthless. For, even if I'm miserable, the house does not fall and my sanity remains intact. It is easy to hate myself and it is comfortable to do so. It is absolutely terrifying to believe anything else. I have had more one-night stands than I can count along with a couple threesomes. I've tried drinking, smoking and other substances. I have many tattoos and had a hella lot more piercings at various points in my life. And yet, with all my experience - I would be more comfortable giving you the details of my experimentation with girls than telling you I cried while watching Flicka. I would rather flick you off than let you see the joy that comes when I see a rainbow or feel the rain on my face. Why is this you wonder?

Because the Root of my Worthlessness did not begin with my first drink. It did not begin when I lost my virginity. It began way before that. And the things that shame me most - are the very strengths God gave me. I hate that I Care. I hate that I Feel. I even tend to hate that I Love. I have hated these things about myself SO Much. Why is that? When they are the Greatest Strengths God has bequeathed me. I know why. Perhaps you should ask God if the answer eludes you. And if you are like me in this, which many are, perhaps you should ask yourself why you hate your own God-given talents.

But don't ask if you aren't prepared for a very difficult answer. However - it is worth it - no matter how much I scream. I will always believe it's worth it. Especially on days like today when He reminds me, yet again, why I can trust Him. When He reminds me He loves me and that He will never leave me. He will never abandon me and He is always next to me getting me through the agony that comes with the assault of my emotions and the memories associated with them.

Thank You my LORD. There is NONE like YOU.

<3

Agápē

You know how some people say they're filled with so much happiness they could burst? I have that too, but it's not happiness. It's not even joy or contentment. For over a decade there was a hole in the pit of my stomach. I'm sure you've heard the cliche, but I'm not using it right now. It is just the best way to describe how it felt. A blackhole that sucked everything that was Good, everything that was God, everything that made me - me ~ a #Void that was So Big and Empty I couldn't even begin to fill it in, although I tried. I got used to it's presence, but it never got easier. If anything, every day it sucked more and more Life out of me. I was almost all gone last year. Depleted and in So Much Pain, I couldn't remember what it was like to feel Whole. Like Back to the Future - I was vanishing, but from the inside out. There was So Little of me left last February. The Void was So Big, so very #Empty. #Hope had long since dissipated into its depths, as well as anything I once believed. Everything I knew was a lie. Nothing remained but #Despair. I often wonder if it's my stubbornness that brought this on, my inability to blindly believe. And yet, I don't believe it truly matters, because it is also my stubbornness and my constant seeking of the Truth that has me the person I am now. I'm not content with blind faith. I question God. I question Everything. I think So Much it HURTS. I pepper my Lord with questions and insolence every moment of every day and He Loves it in ways. Because He knows I trust Him, even when I don't get an answer now. Even if I'm unsatisfied with the answer - I #Trust Him. I'll complain and argue with Him about anything and everything, but I will follow Him as I do. Through anything - I will follow my #God. He didn't have to - but He proved Himself to me, over and over again. I doubted Him, I distrusted Him, I scorned and mocked Him. What's worse - I blamed Him for my pain. Still do often actually. We're still working on that one. I never demanded He prove Himself. No - I BEGGED Him to. And He did. My faith really was like a #MustardSeed. So small and pathetic at first. But with time and patience - it has grown. And today - I can tell you that my void is Gone. It has been for quite some time. Not only that - but I am often So Full and Overflowing -not with any emotion- but with #LOVE. Love In it's raw, unadulterated and Holy form. And I'm not talking about that overused, misunderstood and incredibly mistreated term of endearment. I'm talking about #Agape. For Ever and For Always - my God, You will Be. Thank You Yaweh - from now until Eternity - I know you will never let me go <3

I'm Done

I've said I'd Never say those words again. But Never say Never. And I'm Done. I'm Done with standing by and letting people get hurt and not saying anything. I'm Done with it being ok to hurt someone and not have it pointed out. I'm Done with encouraging and promoting this idea that Women are NOT Valuable.

And let me be clear - I am not thinking about one individual or one group of individuals. I have had this conversation with a countless number of people for the last several weeks about the turn society has taken and had so many encouraging responses that I'm Finally DONE with standing by and not taking a stand.

I realize many don't see this as a problem, so let me explain First - why it is a Significant Issue in our society, if not the world. Since the beginning of time woman has been seen as inferior, as lesser than, as property or a prize. I believe this started because man was given the role as the head of the household by God, Himself. I Love that men have this role what I Absolutely Loathe is that for some Ridiculous reason, that entitled man to become Better than woman. That, having a position of authority somehow got twisted to make a man Worth more than woman. This is WRONG. And Feminism - only made it worse. Why?

Because while I Wholeheartedly Applaud women wanting to be seen as Equal - the way we're going about it is Just as Wrong. For the last couple of generations, women have been attempting to be seen as Equal - by Becoming a man. Look around you, women are not only attempting to acquire the same strengths as men, but the same vices as well. You will find a female CEO with a drinking problem who brags about her latest one night stand. Feminism may have had good intentions, but instead of promoting a woman's worth as she is - it got twisted until the only way we can be seen to have value - is to think and act as man does.

And this comes to my anger. WE DO NOT THINK LIKE MEN. Oh yes. I hear the "We knoooow." I also hear the "Y'all Crazy!" And that's where my anger comes from. The way we think is NOT Crazy. It can be, the same as yours. You might not understand the way our minds work - but that doesn't make our reasoning less valid. If you can't follow a woman's argument - there's a good chance You are simply not sanctified enough in that area to have reached a point in your maturity to be able to follow her thought process. And yes - I did mean to use that fancy term "sanctified" - I know Exactly what it means. You want to ask me about why I think it's Totally Correct Usage - I would Love to have that debate with you.

And If a girl seems crazy paranoid that you're going to hurt her in some way, there's a good chance she's had experience with needing to analyze situations in order to survive. She simply doesn't trust that you're different than the last person she gave her heart to, watched them tear it to pieces in front of her and then laughed as she cried in response. Logically, she probably can't even explain this. And I've got something to say that may be news for some of you - LOGIC is NOT the only valid argument! It is often NOT even a Valid argument!! I know, blasphemy to many men. Go take Philosophy 101. I'm tired of all your logical fallacies.

Logical Fallacies

Logic is the study of reasoning -- the nature of good (correct) reasoning and of bad (incorrect) reasoning. Its focus is the method by which an argument unfolds, not whether any arbitrary statement is true or accurate. Thus, an argument can be both deductively valid and perfectly absurd, as in 1. All telephone poles are elephants. 2. Sally is a telephone pole. 3. Therefore, Sally is an elephant. The conclusion is valid because it conforms to a correct syllogistic pattern -- in this case, affirmation of the antecedent -- but is ludicrous at the same time. 

As a "branch" of philosophy, logic is often broken down into many subsets: for instance, modal logic, many-valued logic, modern logic, symbolic logic, formal and informal logic, deductive and inductive logic...

~Philosophical Society

Emotional reasoning is vastly different than what many men are used to, but it has Great Value and works hand-n-hand with logic. If you don't get that...You. Are. A. Fool. And I'm done with letting you think that's alright.

It is a well known fact in the psychological world that in order to use a "wise mind", an individual must incorporate reason as well as emotion. But as a society - that was shot down around the World War II and Depression Era. People were struggling to cope with pain beyond my wildest imagining and in the end - they just shut down all emotions. How many of my friends in their 70s or 80s tell me, quite matter-of-factly, that "I love you" just wasn't ever said. Not only were negative emotions shut down, but positive ones as well. And I wholeheartedly agree that sins are passed down from generation to generation. And that's often because they aren't Even acknowledged.

So - we don't often acknowledge that we need men to be a macho, tough guy if he wants us to take him seriously. We don't admit that we do that and that it's wrong. And it's even Less Acknowledged that this has always occurred with girls as well. And now that we're trying to be seen as equals - it's gotten Far Worse. We no longer cry. We no longer bubble with joy. A professional setting requires no emotion of any kind. Why? Because to ever be taken seriously, no emotion must be allowed. This is Bullshit. For BOTH of our genders. I can't even post a picture of a tear without censure.

And that photo wasn't because I wanted attention! No - I am the Last person who wants to be emotional OR attention when I am emotional. And if you haven't figured that out yet. YOU ARE A FOOL. I am at a point where I have simply grown past my Own Foolishness where I realize the Importance of Emotions. I Had to learn to be alright with them. In order to grow - in order to even stay sane - I had to start letting myself - be ME.

And I'm a woman people! I'm emotional and that's alright! I laugh so hard I can't breathe, I cry over "ridiculous" things and I yell FUCK when I'm frustrated. And that's not only Alright - it's HEALTHY. I agree that it can be taken too far. Life is made up of tight-ropes we have to tread carefully, because we lean too far to the left or right and we fall. And our society fell a long time ago in regards to women.

We ARE Equal. And that is Not because we can do anything a man can do or should have to be able to. Guess what? I want to be a stay home mom. I want to spend time cleaning my house, talking to the neighbors, raising children and taking in strays of every species(human or not). And while that is my passion - it will NOT be easy. And if you think that life sounds fun and carefree. Again...You. Are. A. Fool. Conversations that bring Glory to God are rarely easy and they Drain me Every Single Day. Totally worth it. Totally Fun. Totally Tiring and Most Definitely and Completely - WORK.

Don't you DARE think you're better than your wife because you provide for her. While that is an Amazing Strength - it is NOT the only one that matters. Your wife is at home changing more lives in a half hour than you will all day. And not just your kids. Not just your neighbors. Women have always been known for the love they can so easily exude. Or - once upon a time we were. We no longer are at the same level as generations past, because we've been trying to take on a man's strength instead of encouraging that, that was already within us.

It's time to reclaim what being a woman really means! It's time to spread that a woman's worth is more than the ability to do what men do, but those skills that we are naturally gifted with. And that what we do should Not be taken for granted and Certainly Not demeaned. Maybe a woman's place is in the kitchen, but men ruined that for themselves. What woman would ever want to be the perpetual butt of that joke? Not I. And the women that don't mind it - they've learned to "not care" like a man.

When one of a woman's natural strengths is that we Do Care! We care So Much and this is a Good thing! And when we start to care Too Much - we have men to even us out. Opposites attract because men and women need each other - we rely on each other to temper our opposing strengths and weaknesses. But it's gone too far, "...like a girl" has become and insult and that's Wrong and I'm Done with encouraging this. I'm Done with not speaking out.

I AM a Girl. I run like a girl. I throw like a girl. I cry like a girl. I laugh like a girl. I argue like a girl. I reason like a girl. I get mad like a girl. I get crazy like a girl. I LOVE like a girl. And I'm Proud to be a GIRL.

Like a Girl

Another of My Signature Rambles

Who else has those moments where an accident is about to happen but then disaster is totally averted because of your mad ninja skills? Yeah - I love videos where that gets caught on camera. But what about the times it doesn't? What about the times you're alone and a glass falls and you totally pluck it out of the air like you trained with Mr Miyagi? Who else finds they moonlight as a superhero who can leap a fence in a single bound, but when they try to tell people the truth of their Kent Clark facade - they look at you and laugh. Your clumsiness and incompetency is no secret and for some reason your Beastly Accuracy and Masterful Reflexes never come out unless you are completely and totally alone.

Anybody else have that happen? And every time - you look around and go Really? Did NObody see that - Again?! And then you hear Him. Faintly you hear the voice that's always been there, but you're adept at ignoring. He goes - I did. I saw it. And you go - oh but You don't count. I need actual people to hear and applaud this moment. I need fallible humans to cheer for this victory - not some Omnipotent Being who's Always there getting excited about Every. Single. Success. I mean, come on Dude - the Cooooonstant attention and Love is a little pathetic and beneath You, don't You think?

God can seem like the Ultimate, stereotypical "Nice Guy"

Maybe that's not always our reasoning for dismissing God as a legitimate source for affirmation, but who else realizes how much they reject God as "not enough". How much we turn to others for a stamp of approval, instead to the only One Who really matters. "God is All I need" may be cliche - but it's totally 100% accurate. And we need to live our lives this way. We need to realize that Nothing else Matters. A car or a house, a job or career, friends or even a family Pale next to the Son of God.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26 

I get this. And no - it's not a verse about hatred. It's a verse about Love. It's a hyperbole designed to emphasize how Much we are to Love GOD above all else. Love for your possessions, your relationships - your own LIFE - should be NOTHING compared to the Love you should have for our Lord and Savior. And there's a good trick to figuring out whether you are struggling with this. I use it constantly. I think about something, or more likely - someone - that I love, and then I think of a realistic situation where I could lose them. If I can honestly say to God - I'm alright if that happens. If you can HONESTLY say this is key though. I'm tired of hearing people lie to themselves and God, much less to the world.

So many people are like me in that they think ignoring something will make it go away. If I can't see it - it can't see me. Yes - I'm rolling my eyes the same way so many have to me. But we all do this. We all have a sin that we know is there, but we also know is Wrong. And for Some reason, we often tend to think if we don't acknowledge it, if we don't admit it's there - if we tell ourselves over and over this sin is wrong then maybe it will go away on it's own(...). Yeah - I'm giving y'all the signature Look. I know you don't really think that works, but let's think about this more realistically. Lemme think for a sec.

Sorry - this is not as much as a struggle for me - admitting I'm a fuck-up. If you've been reading this blog regularly - you know I struggle with the opposite. So lemme think of a generic example I see in society regularly. Or - I can use that earlier example. Perfect. Ok - so most all my friends will agree that only God's approval matters. We talk about it constantly. People remind me often. Anybody in my church reading this will agree - on a theological level - that God's approval is the only one that matters, yeah? Ok - hopefully you already see where I'm going.

How often does God's approval Not matter to you? How often is it Just - Not Enough. I can already hear your minds whirling, trying to defend yourselves. Trying to justify why you needed the approval of others in whatever situation. Because we won't admit that God's approval is NOT Enough for us. You Know it should be. I know the same thing. I just also know that I don't believe that on a more of a subconscious level. You can KNOW many things and not BELIEVE them. Not truly. And the first step to changing that - is to actually Admit that.

If you cannot admit that you have a MASSIVE problem trusting God or needing Him; Loving or Fearing Him. And FYI - we ALL DO. This is not me throwing the first stone but pointing out a struggle We - ALL of Us - Share. But if you cannot even admit that your most Beastly Ninja skill - that your most exciting career move - that your most romantic gesture - that anything you are proud of(Even in a Godly way) is pathetic next to the Love of God. That our good works are akin to bloody tampons. If you don't get that you do NOT Deserve your job. You did NOT receive a degree because you're smart and studied your butt off. You don't own a home because you Earned it for all your hard work. That's Bullshit and I'm calling you out on it. God gives and He can take away.

0:52

Everything you have, including your possessions, your relationships, even your life - Especially your life - are given to you by the Grace of God. And if you don't get this basic fact, you will never be able to apply all the theology you understand so well. You can have the Bible memorized backwards and forwards. You can have a Phd at Harvard, Princeton and the best Seminaries in the world and still not Truly Believe. You can preach the gospel with a passion and accuracy that astound the world - and still not Truly Believe. And if you are unable to say that you do not Truly Believe something, if not everything - then you are lying to yourself. You are lying to God.

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

Belief does not equal Truth. Neither does Understanding. A True Belief in God's teaching involves Understanding Plato's Apology of Socrates, in my opinion. I do not Truly Believe many things I should. And the first step is admitting that. Only then, can we begin to grow in that area. We're all fucked up in this fallen world. We're all sinners. We're all mad here. And yet - we're not all going to Hell for this. I don't know who is or who isn't. I honestly haven't even thought enough about Hell to know whether I believe anybody is or whether I may take a more messianic view on that idea. I'm simply following God every day. I don't believe things because I've read them in books and they makes sense. I believe what God tells me through the way He reveals Himself to me in my LIFE - Every DAY. I like theology - but that is Nothing to a Personal Relationship to my Lord.

And I know people are often wanting a relationship like I have with God, but don't know the formula. Cause there isn't one. I know that's hard, but you have to find God yourself - learn how to listen for Him your own way. The answer isn't going to be in my Blog. It's not going to be in a sermon or any of your books from LifeWay. You need to find how God speaks to you. I will give you a hint though - if it makes you Incredibly Uncomfortable - you're probs on the right track. A personal relationship with God is The Most Uncomfortable, Infuriating, Maddening relationship I have Ever Had. It's worth it. Totally worth it. But don't go into this thinking it's going to be all Lovey Dovey, Hunky Dorey. No no. As in "Oh Heeeeell, NO.". A Close Relationship with God is ANYTHING But. Obnoxious Sneaky Yaweh. Yeah - You are. And it makes me smile as much as it makes me glare these days and I no longer underestimate the Sneaky Sneak:

You know I love you BigMan - even if I do argue with You an Awful Lot

:D