Known Love

"To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial. To be known and not loved is our greatest fear. But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God. It is what we need more than anything. It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us." ~Timothy Keller

To Love is Complicated, Scary and often Intense. To be Truly Loved -- even more so. For that means you have to let someone in, past your barriers and defenses. You have to let them see the Good, as well as the Bad. To be Truly Loved, you must let someone know you. You must risk Rejection. You must risk their disgust, repulsion, anger, fear, Pain. Is Love worth this? Not to many. People would rather be content with Superficial Love than risk this.

But I think, like with God - Known Love is one of the MOST Beautiful, Amazing, Awe-Inspiring things EVER. Known Love certainly has risks with sinful humans. I know all too well how cruel people can be when they see you at your most vulnerable. People whom you love and whom love you. That's a part of Life in a Broken World. And it can completely shatter your heart.

But that's where God comes in. He knows us better than any other! He knows our Depravity and Insignificance. He know Everything and yet He LOVES us and sees our Value! With Him, we become Worthy! With Him we become Strong! With Him we can Love as He does! We can risk our Heart being Shattered - with Complete Trust that God will piece the shards back together. Every Time. Even more Beautiful than before.

With God the risks are WorthIt. With God - Known Love is possible. To have two people united in Christ - fully known to each other and God - WOW. To have no barriers or secrets. To know someone at their worst and vice versa - but to Trust that they won't forsake you! Because they already knew. They KNOW you. And they want to walk with you hand-in-hand on this Pilgrimage Home. Or maybe at arm's length when your fighting ;)

Because you will fight. You will get hurt. Badly hurt. You will be cruel to each other. But through it all - you will turn to Him. God will give you His Strength to overcome the Pain that sin causes. He will draw you back together Every Time you want to run away from the hurt that comes with being fully known to a sinful human.

A relationship like this? FrigginA man. Together, you can move mountains for our Lord! Powerful! Beautiful! Worth more than I will ever own, even were I to become a bazillionaire :) Patience is not my strongest virtue. But a Love like this -- it's worth waiting for.

Love like this can only be found with You, my Lord. Please don't let me ever forget that. Please remind me what Superficial Love looks like if I ever stray from Patience. Please, please never let me risk Pain with someone who is unwilling to do the same. Never let me risk my heart with someone who would leave at the first sign if trouble. Give me a man who asks for Your Strength Lord. For You know - they'll surely need it with me.

Beauty Uncaptured

So I was in the bathroom just now and something occured to me as I looked in the mirror after washing my hands. A mirror is like a tv in a way. It may reflect 3D images well, but it still loses something in translation. Perhaps this is one of the reasons we can't see ourselves as others do. Because we literally are unable to do so. There are so many Beautiful aspects Creation that we simply cannot capture. It is frustrating to be sure - but it provokes a reliance on God that I Truly Treasure. We must Trust Him. We must Trust Him to not only reveal the Good around us, but to do so Daily. Whether it be a Sunrise, a joyous occasion, a tender moment in a relationship, or perhaps a surreal glimpse of His Majesty. We must Trust that Him that He will provide this Good to us Daily. For it is as nourishing to our soul as bread is to our bodies. And this includes Good in ourselves. We physically cannot see ourselves as we are. The images we capture cannot hold a candle to the beauty of form in the men and women God created. Never forget you are Beautiful. You are a Work of Art. For God created you Himself. And while the sin in this world can twist anything. While the sin in our hearts can tear is down. God is God. Craftsman, Healer, Father - Love Manifested. He will untwist our souls, he will heal our broken sight and our shattered spirits. He will restore our souls and make us pure anew. We are His. Insignificant Beings next to The Almighty. And yet He chose to give us Worth! Never forget your value - your Beauty. It cannot be seen in this Life. But God is outside of Time. And with Him, you can glimpse Truth that cannot be seen as we are now.


End Ramble and Good Night

Thanksgiving

This is the week so many of us will sit around a table, bow our heads and give Thanksgiving to God for the gifts in our lives.

I beg your pardon if I'm a little early.

But I was thinking, or course. It is midnight and all. Everyone should know by now that I don't want to be here. This world, this life - this is not where I belong. I haven't wanted to be here for most of my adult life, and often tried to escape. But God of course said no. And then He went all sneaky on me. He gave me His strength. He showed me my worth. He showed me GoOD. He taught me how to truly LIVE.

Life will never be easy. Not for Christians. If your life is comfortable - you're doing something wrong. The Bible consistently warns us of this. But what God does - is make Life as a Follower of Christ - WorthIt.

And that is where my Thanksgiving lies this year.

I know me, more and more lately. The woman God made me to be. I know my limits. I know my strengths and weaknesses. I know that my mind is stronger than any other part of me. It rules over my body and my heart. If things don't make sense - well - I have never handled that well. Middle school algebra had both my mom and I in tears. And it only got worse from there.

But God knows inside and out, from before I was born. He knew the depths of my need before it existed. I need control. We all do. Control is the number one coping method for keeping fear at bay. Knowledge is a form of power. When scared, power gives you a sense of security. Knowledge has always been my ultimate security blanket. And God let it be ripped away.

For so many years Life didn't make sense. I didn't underatand it. I didn't understand myself or others. I didn't understand the Pain. And so i didn't know what to do. And no one could help me. Not because they didn't want too. But help didn't exist for me then. Nothing the doctor's tried, nothing the church did, or my family and friends even - helped me. And I drove myself mad trying to make sense of it. Trying to fix what was Broken in my own mind.

And when I had been at my lowest point several times. When I gave up on killing myself because "God won't fucking let me die." When I cursed Him for keeping me here, in this fucked up world, when I conceeded that He was in charge -- and begged Him to help even though I was of the opinion that He was a cruel, vicious God -- He went and got sneaky on me.

He wormed His way into my heart like a navy seal on a top-secret mission. He earned my Respect, Trust, Love and Thanksgiving. He let everything be ripped away from me. Which is exactly what I deserved. And then when I cursed His name - He repaid me with what I always wanted. It makes sense now. All of it.

Truly. Because even if it doesn't make sense to me - it makes sense to Him. And it makes sense to Trust Him with things that don't make sense to me. You still with me?

And so the one thing I always needed - He let me ripped from me -- but returned to me in a way that is Pure and Holy. He gave me more than my sanity back. He gave me more than information. He gave me more than the reason for Life. Which, consequently, is still not 42. He gave me reasons to LIVE.

I want to be here. Not because I'm happy and comfortable. Because I follow Him. Because I trust Him. Because He is my God and I am His for whatever He wants. And He wants me here. He has purpose for me in this life. And He is even kind enough to make Living here and following Him - WorthIt.

I don't ever want to grow accustomed to living with sin. But I praise God for all the Good He shows me. All the Good in others, in myself, and in the World He created. This is part of my purpose. This is part of who He created me to be. And it is a direct result of all my shit. I have a passion for finding Him. It makes sense :) He taught me that.

So this Thanksgiving I praise Him for all this and more. Thank You for making sense. Thank You for teaching me how to see things through Your eyes. Thank You for giving me purpose. Thank You for Your kindness - for giving me what I needed to Trust You, even when I don't deserve such a thing. Thank You for You. I never had the audacity to ask for such a gift as Salvation. But You gave it to me regardless. Even when I tried to reject in on the basis of my Worthlessness - You showed me where my Value lies.

Without You - I am nothing. But with You - I am Worth more than I comfortgable with, that's for sure. Thank You my Lord. You fucking Rock :')

Shut up. End Emotional Thanksgiving Ramble.

My Broken Spirit

There are many training techniques people use to break in a wild horse. Once upon a time - those techniques we're ruthless. The idea was total and complete domination. Break the horse's spirit - and they would be a good work horse after that. Completely obedient, meek, timid and perfect to use.

I figure that's Life right there. Sin has warped everything and that, along with the devil - are hell-bent on breaking our spirit to make us subservient to them. The more wild and passionate the Spirit - the more they have to beat and torture them until they break.

People break the same as horses do. Our Spirit shatters. What makes us, us - can be beaten out of us. Life can do that. The sin in this world has that kind of power. Without God.

But God does not work simply within analogies. He is the Exception to Every Rule. He is God. And He is Good.

What Life uses to Break you - God can turn into Pure Beauty.

He can make the Pain WorthIt. He can revive your Spirit. He can show you how Life is truly meant to BE.

It takes time. It takes Patience. It takes Trust and a lot of Pain. But Day by Day, Step by Step, Breath by Breath - God can show you how to do more than survive this world. But to thrive in it.

Ask Him. I did.

 Thank You my Lord <3

He is Worth Everything

I had always wondered how I could have gotten through the hell years so seemingly unscathed. I mean - mentally these years obviously destroyed me. But physically I thought I had very little to show for it. I was wrong.

But like all things - it was just more complicated than I knew. I am not aesthetically harmed for the most part - but internally I was damaged severely in many ways. Ways that I am only beginning to understand.

Living in constant Fight or Flight mode for years on end, my own personal apocalyptic lifestyle - it takes its tole. So too will several overdoses. And then there was all the meds they had me on, not to mention the significant weight gains and losses.

Internally - my body is all types of fucked up now. Eating is an incredible battle constantly. The kind of nauseous and abdominal pains that I handle on a regular basis is often overwhelming. My body temperature has become unreliable and a Complete Clusterfuck. And the tension. Fuck man - that's the worst.

The kind of tension that is my body's regular state of being is so coiled, ready to flee or attack at any given moment -- is so Intense -- that the first time I went without -- I passed out with relief. And the second time it happened. The third. For several months I was regularly knocked out by the release of physical tension. And I had no idea how this was effecting me. That it even was effecting me. But it has always been the most brutal of all.

People know that I received SSDI. Because I cannot work. Mentally I am Broken and Physically? I am more fucked up than I ever realized....because it is my Normal. It's hard to see that something is wrong when it's all you've known for so long.

I am used to going weeks without eating because I can't force anything down. It is a regular occurrence to need scalding water to try to warm up my hands or feet. Other times I need an ice pack for my neck and back that feel like they are on fire. And when "my heart hurts" - I always knew I needed to be held even though I didn't know why then.

And all of this is EXHAUSTING. And yet - they are only the side-effects of everything I have been through and am going through. They are my Norm.

My therapist is constantly shocked by my strength. I ave never understood why. I feel so pathetic. So weak. So Broken. How can I be strong? I did not understand that my mind and body had become a prison of torture - my own personal hell. One that I have simply wanted to escape. Because IT HURTS. And I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of fighting the Pain. I'm so tired of putting up with the torture of daily living. I talk about battling Life - but it's not just about living in a Broken World....My body and my mind are my enemies each and every day. I fight to keep them from overpowering me into Despair and Death. I fight to survive the Pain. Mentally and Physically.

And I never knew. Because it is MY Normal.

So tired you guys. So tired of fighting. But that's where God comes in. My strength was never enough to survive. But His IS. Not only survive - but thrive. With God I can do anything! Even LIVE.

And so I am.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time.

Every new hurdle that reveals itself - I learn how to master. For He teaches me how. He reveals all my weaknesses one by one and shows me how to overcome them, which, sometimes - is simply having faith that I will survive them.

I am Broken. This I know. And I am learning all that this entails. But guess what? I am still Grateful. I would not trade my Brokenness in for a different body and mind. For it is these damaged goods that Wholly Rely on Christ. They are THE Reason I turn to God. Being Broken has been the Greatest Gift He could ever give me. For with it came the understanding of Why?

I have never been closer to God and if this means I must always be Broken - I say Yes. I say Please! I beg of You not to let me forget! Not to let me turn from You! If that means living in Perpetual Pain - Please! Please. Let me. Because in the Pain I see You clearly. And I NEVER want to lose that sight.

It is WorthIt. He is Worth EVERYTHING.

Thank You for the Pain

I had one of the Most Exhilarating Experiences of my Life yesterday. I let someone see a bit of the Pain. Only as much as I could show another yet. It scared her. And it was nice to know it looked as bad as it felt. What she didn't seem to understand was that it is my Norm. That it is a part of my Life I once was resigned to, then accustomed, and now I welcome - albeit only in certain ways. It is what I have to endure while I am here in this world. The cause matters very little. My life experiences and choices have led to insanity and such severe brokenness that includes heightened feelings. Feelings of Intense Pain that I have never been able to handle. Until I learned to Trust God. He gave me His Own Strength. And today I have marveled at this repeatedly. That I can be in SO Much Pain, so much - that my friend is afraid to leave my side. I can silently scream and shake and dry heave - and have full faith that I will survive. I can know that it will always be a regular part of my Life -- but also know that God miraculously gave me the ability to manage it. To scream and suffer until I collapse, and all the while Praise Him for reminding me Who HE Is. He is my God. I am His. He will protect my soul with His Life. As He, in fact, already has. And so I find, yet again, that I am Grateful for this Pain that has the ability to drive me insane - for it no longer does. It drives me to Him. Thank You Lord for the Wonder that is You. Thank You for twisting all that is bad - back to YOU. Fuck man. Thank You :')

Home Sweet Home

I've estimated that in the past decade I have lived in 17 different places. This doesn't include all my moves and everywhere I have needed to stay - simply the homes that I was invited to share for longer periods of time. None of them were of course, Home. Not for me.

This place I am right now? This place where I watch my kittens play, where I babysit sweet kiddos, where I sit on the porch and listen to the sun rise or the rain fall? This is the first place that has become a Home since I was 12 years old. Next month I will have lived here for 2 years. Twice as long as anywhere I have stayed since I was 17 years old.

In a world where we can never truly be Home, God has been SO Incredibly Kind to give me a place such as this....if only for a time.

I am a Homebody. This has always been me. A Homebody without a Home for so long. Because I needed to learn to rely on Him. And I can genuinely say that because of that - I will never take a Home for granted ever again. I will not feel entitled to one. Nor will I even assume I will keep this one.

For I no longer believe in Travelling Mercies. I truly believe it is not in our Best Interest to ask for safety or security. Quite the opposite.

I often beg God to never let me forget to turn to Him, and only Him. I ask Him regularly to never let me forget what I have learned. I have even become so bold and as to ask Him to give me hardship if I start to forget that He is God and the only thing that matters. This is still Stupid in my opinion and I don't recommend it. NEVER ask for hardship unless you understand what that means. Just don't do it. Don't. Do. It.

But I know how stubborn and stupid I can be. I understand how rebellious I am. Worse - I know exactly how Cowardly and Fearful my very soul is. How prone to Mistrust.  But I also KNOW that God is the only One Trustworthy. The Only ONE Who will never fail me. For that reason I ask for Hardship, for Suffering when I fail to Remember this. I beg for Outrageous Jealousy to never let me turn to another. Be it a person, idea -- or a Home -- ever again. Even....if that means Pain in order to remember.

For when God is Truly our Number One -- everything else just sorts of, falls into place.
Not easily. No, it can be very painful. And Hard. But there is a very special Joy that comes through Working Hard to Follow God. The Kind of Joy that makes Difficulties and Pain, not easier - simply WorthIt.

Thank You my Lord for my Home. And thank You for the understanding that it is NOT the Home I truly long for. OneDay you will finally bring me Home to be with You. But that day is not yet to be. So thank you for giving me pieces of your Awesomeness as I await #OneDay here.

Thank You Thank You Than You Lord for my #HomeSweetHome.

White Lie Innocence

I hope people are aware that protecting someone's feelings is often an excuse to protect yourself from the Pain you would cause by whatever it is you have hidden. It's a Coward's Move. One that breaks Trust and can create a whole slew of problems.

I know for a fact that I am not the only one who can forgive others for Pain. Easily in fact at this point. Breaking Trust however? That's not an offense that is simply Forgivable. It is something that although easily broken, is a bitch to earn back.

Do not hide shit from me that would hurt me. Do not hide shit like that from others. If you do - it's simple. We cannot be more than shallow friends, if that. And the first lie out of your mouth to me? I told you I forgive easily. But I do not Trust easily. For fucking valid reasons.

Gaining my Trust is Hard and I do no fault people for not caring to do so. Losing it is not easy either, for it is so Hard Won. But you like to me? You hide shit from me because you don't have the balls to cop up to something you have said or done?

No. You don't get the luxury of Trust. Ask yourself why you were hiding it from me in the first place. Seeing as I forgive so easily - you should think twice about your heart attitude.

And don't you dare suggest I exaggerate about forgiving easily. I wrote a post recently about the man who broke my heart, shattered me to wear I was curled on the floor among glass that conveyed my heart so perfectly.

But guess what? He was straight up with me. He told me he loved someone else. He didn't hide it from me. He didn't cheat on me. And when he left me to find she didn't give a rat's ass about him - he knew he didn't deserve me back - but ai didn't hesitate. I was back in his arms that night.

And that girl who got between us simply because she couldn't stand that he wanted someone else even though she didn't want him? She stayed in our lives. I told him he didn't have to give up his friend - even those gh he was willing to!

Why? Because I never had reasons to doubt him! He was solid through an through! He didn't lose my trust! He was straight up with me and that will always mean SO Much more to me than any other strength in a person!

Maybe I shouldn't let people hurt me without consequences at all. But I don't have qualms about forgiving others. And so next time you consider a white like to protect someone - remember that is all it takes to have access to another's heart revoked.

White lies are NOT Innocent!!! And they are NOT Ok.

Anything can be forgiven, but the consequences for mistrust are severe. If you don't understand why - go talk to a shrink because I don't have time for your naivety and ignorance tonight. Not tonight.

I need to talk to God. I suggest you all do the same - for we should be - each and every fucking moment of every fucking day.

Oh God help me with this Life.

Maturity at 30

So. I'm turning 30 this year. Just next month! I'm Super Stoked. Like seriously. I am not one of those people that doesn't want to grow up. I always say I'd rather be old and wise than young and stupid.

I love my laugh lines(aka Crow's feet) and I love my new streaks of grey hair. Marks of honor. I don't love the body pains that are really starting g to accumulate - but in my eyes it's Totally Worth It.

30 years of Life dude! I've survived SO Much and I'm Living now - Stronger than Ever Before!!!

Hahaha - I cannot tell you how many funny looks I've gotten when people hear my age. The majority of people I meet barely believe I'm legal and apparently many of those in my life had no idea I was in my very, very late 20s ;)

It doesn't surprise me anymore, although it can still offend me. Getting mistaken for a stereotypically immature teenager or college kid is never going to be a compliment in my eyes. But I do understand why this is.

For one, my grey blends in with my blonde streaks. Two, my laugh lines are often obscured by my glasses. Three, I dress in a variety of ways, but my favorites are not "age appropriate". Lastly, I know my actions rarely seem to back up my years. And I finally figured out way.

I've been labeled, quite kindly as "free-spirited". I love this in all honesty. However, it often marks a girl as without responsibility, as well as an easy mark for guys who want some. This combined with an even bigger factor tends to give people permission to act condescending and patronizing towards me.

See, if you've been following my blog, or my life at all - you'll know that I've been through some of the worst life can offer a girl. Life has not been kind to me and I have tried my best to leave the world. I have seen things no young woman should have to see and been forced to understand Life's shitty realities at a very early stage of life. I have spent a good portion of my years just surviving this world and all the FuckedUp Sin in it. But it's WorthIt now.

Life. Is WorthIt.

And this greatly impacts the way I see the world and approach others. It greatly impacts the way I LIVE.

People often have a hard time believing I'm 29 when they see me heading down a slip-n-slide with the youth group kids. They rarely understand I'm an adult when I spin in circles with elementary schoolers. How can I be responsible when I giggle like a school girl to dad jokes and puns? How can they take me seriously when my enthusiasm for birthday is Totally over the top?

I have been through a living hell. I have had my heart and mind shattered over and over and over again. I am still Broken. But I am God's Broken Vessel. And He can use Brokenness for His Glory in Such Wonderful ways!!! I am proud of this. I am proud to be HIS.

And this Brokenness? It allows me to see things differently. It forces me to retain my Child-like Wonder of the World. For without these innocent moments, without silliness, I could not handle the rest. God gives His Strength to survive the Brokenness of my Life that He uses for His Glorious Purpose. And He often does this in the form of being absolutely ridiculous.

I am older than I look. I am older than even those my age. I had no choice in the ways I had to Grow. Death was not given to me. I am here and so I follow He who earned my Trust, my loyalty, my Love and my Life. He didn't need to earn them, but He did. He is so very kind and patient with me. I know I do not deserve Him.

Grace is a Fucking Amazing thing though. He Loves me, cherishes me, He sees what I do not, He knows what I cannot - and in Following Him -- I am learning how to Truly LIVE. I am learning that #Adulting has no formula. Maturity has no rules...except God's rules.

My maturity involves Snapchat filters. It includes making funny faces. It means I may pull pranks or leave baby rattlers outside Wendy's for not substantial reason.

My maturity also means helping others at the expense of my own comfort. It means being kind at the expense of my time and energy. It means having patience and empathy. It means refusing to settle for the surface of who a person is, but wanting to know what makes them tick. Particularly when it is a person I dislike. It means loving others regardless of whether they love me back or are even kind. Honestly, my maturity means loving others when they are cruel. It means figuring out why they are cruel to better love them, without any help or encouragement on their part. It also means using healthy boundaries when doing this. It means knowing when to say "No." It occasionally means letting myself, not only be angry - but to confront another with their unkindness. It also means forgiving someone without being asked.

Maturity is a versatile thing. We all have our own, unique Strengths and weaknesses. Each if us are persons with many facets. We are God's prism and shine Him through in a variety of Beautiful ways. Never forget that to Follow Christ - does not mean becoming a Bible-toting, cardigan-wearing Christian. Being a Christian means that you are Following Christ.

So do NOT make the mistake of blending in! We may all be sheep who have gone astray - but we are a multi-colored flock. A rainbow herd. And even when we are each made pure as snow by the sacrifice of Christ - I have little doubt we will each be our very own snowflake. Beautiful and Completely Unique. Sinless, Pure, Perfect and every one different from the next.

Embrace Christ and Embrace how God made you, you. Each of us Wonderfully Made. And for me at least, Wonderfully made includes chicken fighting in the pool with my baby brother ;)

Change & Forgiveness

I was in an Incredibly Unhealthy Relationship in my early twenties. But I kept hope....hope for us to fix what was Broken. I was constantly told - you cannot change him. On the one hand, this is Totally Accurate. But when sin entered the world - so too did complexities.

We cannot change anyone. It's true. We cannot fix anyone. I could not fix that boy, as my parents could not fix me. Only God is the Healer of Brokenness. And often in very unexpected ways.

However, God does use people in His Master Plan for His Glorious Purpose. And it is a Beautiful Thing indeed to inspire someone to Follow after God. It is a Marvelous ability to be a Guru for Change.

I am SO Thankful for how many of these people God has gifted me with in recent years. For one in particular whom God was very sneaky in using to bring me back to Him. That man inspired Trust in my Lord when I had none. I would not be truly Living without him and all the other amazing people God placed in my life. God sent them to do His Work and I never ceased to be Amazed at the lengths He went through, to woo me.

I pray to be this for others. A Life Goal of mine is to shine God's Grace through my own Brokenness. For the Power of His Love brightly reveals itself when healing shattered souls. My Pain is ever-present. Let it be used for Good.

We cannot change others, but we can Encourage and Inspire it. And even though Change is Hard - it is SO WorthIt. For it is Change that brings us closer to God. A special kind of Change those fancy people like to call "Sanctification".

A relationship that does not inspire this type of change within the other AND vice versa - is unable to be a close, healthy relationship. No matter the type. We are to help each other to the Cross. A pilgrim's progress of sinners wanting more. Moving ever forward, resting at times, making mistakes and even digressing, but always continuing onward towards God.

No matter the subject, the root is always God. The need to Follow Him above all else should be present in every moment of every day. Through thick and thin - we Follow Him. Even if that means being angry at your best friend. Even if that means taking space from your husband. Even if that means Forgiveness for the ever-present sin in each and every one of us.

And Even if that means forgiving our very selves. Especially that, knowing those in my life. We screw up. All of us. But God's Love & Justice make Forgiveness Possible. Don't ever forget that. Forgive others and Forgive yourself. At least, that's what I'm telling myself this stormy evening.

Help me Lord?

I have found that there are SO Many Strengths that come from being Completely Broken before God. But that doesn't make the Hard parts easier. It just makes them WorthIt. Being Broken. I'm always fragile. My heart and mind are so easily shattered it's Absolutely Terrifying to Live. I never know who or what will cause me to crumble into Pain. I can never brace well enough, because that would mean locking everyone out of my life and barring the door against the world. Then when that fails - attempting to leave it. And God already Vehemently denied me this. So I walk around, trying to Trust, attempting this Feeling shit - Knowing that every day this will bring me Pain that I cannot handle. For God does not save us from Pain. He simply makes it WorthIt. So I Live, not by avoiding Bing Broken, but by trusting God that when my heart breaks and when my mind shatters - that He will repair me once again. And He will. Every Time. He is my God, Who Loves me with a passion and a Grace that only God can. I am SO Beyond Thankful that I am His and He is mine. I cannot convey the depths of my Gratitude. Thank You Thank You Thank You my Lord.

***<3***
From the depths of woe I raise to Thee
The voice of lamentation;
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me
And hear my supplication;
If Thou iniquities dost mark,
Our secret sins and misdeeds dark,

O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)
O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)

2. To wash away the crimson stain,
Grace, grace alone availeth;
Our works, alas! Are all in vain;
In much the best life faileth;
No man can glory in Thy sight,
All must alike confess Thy might,

And live alone by mercy(Live alone by mercy)
And live alone by mercy(Live alone by mercy)

3. Therefore my trust is in the Lord,
And not in mine own merit;
On Him my soul shall rest, His word
Upholds my fainting spirit;
His promised mercy is my fort,
My comfort and my sweet support;

I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)
I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)

4. What though I wait the live-long night,
And ’til the dawn appeareth,
My heart still trusteth in His might;
It doubteth not nor feareth;
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed,
Ye of the Spirit born indeed;

And wait ’til God appeareth(Wait ’til God appeareth)
And wait ’til God appeareth(Wait ’til God appeareth)

5. Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth;
His helping love no limit knows,
Our upmost need it soundeth.
Our Shepherd good and true is He,
Who will at last His Israel free

From all their sin and sorrow(All their sin and sorrow)
From all their sin and sorrow(All their sin and sorrow)

~Indelible Grace

***<3***

Do I have to be an Independent Woman?

"I'm an Independent Woman!"

I hate that phrase.

Sure - it's Good and Fine and Dandy.

But for the people who want to be Independent.

Do I want to be Independent?

No. No I don't.

And I'm not. I rely on the Government for my income. I rely on my therapist for my sanity. I rely on my friends and family for SO Much. And I rely on God for Love, Grace and Strength to survive my fucked up life

But, because of the fucked up choices I've made -- I crave touch...and yet there are very few that I trust who are willing to touch me. I crave sitting next to someone while watching tv and resting my head on their shoulder. I crave walking down the street arm-in-arm. I crave genuine hugs and behind held as I cry.

I used to get touch every day, since birth really. I didn't realize how much I needed it until I lost it alltogether. I look back and don't really question why I sought sex, when that included touch.

It's said a healthy day includes 3 hugs. I am lucky to get half of one.

Maybe this sounds silly. Perhaps it is. I can't sleep without my cats on the bed. That's probably silly too. But it's true. Anybody who has had a sleepover with me knows I will gravitate towards them and probably plant a foot on them for comfort. This is me. It always has been.

Maybe I am just being silly. Maybe the tears streaming down my face are for something deeper. I don't know.

But it doesn't negate how hard it is to have had an abundance of Love in the form of such a small gesture my entire life -- and then to lose that. To be alone at home with only my cats to cuddle, if they're feeling generous.

I'm an Independent Woman!
I don't need a man. I don't need friends. I don't need family.

Fuck that.

I need you. And I'm sorry I'm fucked up. I'm sorry I can't be touched easily. I know I flinch. I know I can't handle it from everyone. I know I'm complicated and scared. I know I'm a Complete Mess. I'm sorry.

I'm probably just being silly. I'm probably just tired of being the Independent Woman I feel like I'm supposed to be while simultaneously wanting someone to rock me as I cry. I'm probably just being a baby and dumb bunny.

I know God is with me. I do. He reminds me every day of His Love for me. Even now it brings a smile to my face. And even if I go the rest of my life without someone to give me three hugs a day - I know with Him I will be alright. I will be More than alright! For I am His and He is mine. And that is Far more than I could Ever even Hope for. It is More than Enough. It is more than I deserve.

But God - maybe if I could have more hugs? That would be nice.

A Tired Ramble: I don't even know what I wrote.

Know your limits.

I love horror movies and crime shows. Course, the repercussions of indulging include an inability to sleep without the lights on aka. At All. Paranoia tends to make me cranky from exhaustion and constantly being on edge. So I've learned to steer clear.

Know your limits.

Dramas do more than make me cry. They hit something deep within me that hurts. Something I am still unable to name. They're too much. Especially when they are GOOD. I can't. It's past my limit. At least for now.

I should have known better. But now that I understand. And I won't make this mistake again. Even if the movie is hella good -- as this one is.

Know Your Limits

There is a Difference between Healthy Limits and a Comfort Zone. It is often Very Good to leave your comfort zone. It is even Good to test your limits and push them a bit. But you must know them. You must know them well enough to not get seriously injured. Mentally or Physically...

Know. Your. Limits.

Only God knows your limits better than you can. If you don't Trust yourself - Trust Him.

It's a funny thing, to not Trust yourself...and yet want control of your life. To - to - to be terrified to make decisions, but even more scared to let someone else. I don't trust me. But I trusted Him less. I haven't trusted me in a very long time. I haven't been able to. Because I knew how untrustworthy, how unstable, I was.

I didn't Trust Him. I didn't Trust me. I rarely Trusted others, but when I did - well - human nature is 100% Guaranteed to be Fallible. When there is no one to Trust...well -- I hid. I hid within myself. I hid so deep - I lost me.

I lost myself to Fear. I lost myself to Shame. I lost myself to Hate. To Anger and Self-Loathing. I did not like me. Not a single part of me. Nothing. And little by little I beat who I was to cower in hiding...to retreat into the void that opened up in my soul. The Black Whole swallowed everything that I was. It swallowed everything I was meant to be.

And then God said,
Fuck That.

Well, my translation and summation of events may have distorted that idea a bit.

Regardless, God said NO. He proved to me, without provocation or my desire -- despite being Unworthy of such a Magnanimous Gesture
-- God proved to me MY OWN WORTH - to Him.

He reached into the Void. He found me. He brought me back...to OneDay bring me Home. He Saved me. He Loves me. I still don't Trust me very easily. I don't know me yet all that well. But Him? I Trust Him. Even if I can be difficult, stubborn and lapse into old habits of hiding, running and fighting from fear...He is Patient.

He is kind.
He does not envy or boast.
He is not proud, rude or easily angered.
He keeps no record of wrong.

He does not delight in evil - but rejoices with the Truth:

He always Protects, always Trusts.
He always Perseveres.

For that is Who God is. It's what Love is. And what Grace provides.

Thank You Lord. Thank You for Reminding me yet again of what I always forget.

Tine to wipe my eyes and go to bed.
G'night Everybody.

Finally Thankful for The Hell Years

I have a memory that just won't leave me alone today. So Imma write it out and maybe it will stop trying to kill me. I will warn you upfront, it may get pretty intense. I mean, I labeled these memories as The Hell Years. These were the years that I was so messed up, I can't remember most of them, or even how long they lasted. Honestly, I think it may have only been two years, but it seemed like an eternity of Pain.

The hell years were between suicide attempts 1&3, but the memories I'm struggling with today are between suicide attempts 2&3. Suicide attempt #2 had me throwing myself in front of a car on Cary Parkway. I stayed in Dorothea Dix over Christmas and when released, moved into the basement apartment of a sweet older couple from my parents' church. It was a nice apartment and they charged pennies for rent. I did not have a car or a phone, but I had a bike and two jobs: one at the veternarian clinic(that didn't last long due to needing to be coherant at 6am) and one at a steak house. Honestly - I was rolling in the dough. I mean, I didn't go shopping, I really didn't have any serious bills and I didn't buy groceries because - well - I didn't eat pretty much at all. No, that's not an exageration. I didn't eat. When I'm stresed, my appetite is the first thing that goes. No, it's not a perk. By the time suicide #3 came around I weighed 95 lbs -- when, as an adult who is 5'6" and with my body shape -- a healthy weight for me is around 140, particularly if I have muscle. I had SO little muscle then that I perpetually shook. I had a permanent tremor, that I was very good at concealing. What I couldn't conceal was my inability to carry anything for longer han a second or two. I was seen as pathetic by many for how weak I was. Some thought I was faking it. Then again, it wasn't hard to come up with reasons to hate me. All the people I hung out with were at the steakhouse and that environment is what drove me to suicide #3.

My family and I had split and I've never felt more alone than my time away from them. So, here I am, a bleach blonde tiny girl, 20 years old with my own place and no desire to live. Add a toxic environment with people who are just as lonely and coping any way they can, and you produce the worst of my hell years. It wasn't only food I couldn't stomach, so I wasn't much of a drinker. I kept smirnoff ice in the fridge, cause occasionally I could get half of one of those down. And while pot was everwhere I went, it was never my thing. People would drink or smoke to fill that void in their stomach. Me? I would use the guys. Being a young underweight blonde girl with issues appeals to a high percentage of the male population. Night after night I found someone to tell me I was worth something. Every morning I would wake up, and curse at the slut staring at me through the mirror. But as I told everyone, girls give sex for love and guys give love for sex. I figured it was a fair trade. I didn't understand that every guy who walked away from me was cementing my Identity as Worthless.

Before suicide #3 I was sleeping with 2 guys a day trying to hold onto that fleeting feeling of being cared about, of not being alone, of being wjole and unbroken. But there was a massive hole in my stomach, a void that kept sucking me in until it had everything. I remember sitting on the couch, texting my family for the first time in months, to tell them goodbye. I remember my only friend freaking out and taking me to the hospital. The same friend who spread a false rumor to everyone that I had herpes after I slept with him and then his housemate in the same week. I remember going back to work after they released me from the hospital and everyone actually being nice to me...for about a week, which meant not stealing my tips, gossiping about how much of a slut I was and warning people to stay away from me. I mean, there were actual crack whores at this place, but I was the fucked up one because I didn't charge the men I screwed. I knew my place, and it hurt, but I was comfortable with my identity as the worthless, fucked up, crazy workplace slut. It's what I knew. It's what I believe I deserved.

And that's how it was, for months. Alone and numb, I did anything to not feel. I didn't cry once. No matter what I was called, no matter what they did, no matter what they said. I never cried. I kept busy. I would work double shifts constantly(late morning until midnight), force myself to eat a fourth of a bigmac every couple of days, go out every night and find a guy who would bring me back to work in the morning. Every week I'd go back to my place and crash for 10-12 hours, and then the routine would start over. This was my life. It killed me, or would have if God didn't have other plans for this Broken woman remembering.

After suicide three, God brought me a man who gave me the rest I needed from Life. It's not hard to see the Impossible as Possible with God. Not for me, not with the !ife I have had. And having this guy show up in the hell years, a week after a suicide attempt, with the reputation I had rightly earned, be warned against me -- yet he still took me out?? He called me Sweet. Fuck. I hadn't had a kind word in months and that memory still makes me cry. And he didn't leave! Two weeks later he asked me to be his girlfriend and a week after that I moved in. He is an Amazing man and I am SO Grateful God placed him in my life when He knew I couldn't go on the way I was. And after we broke up, I never wanted to disrespect the Worth one man saw in me when I was at my Most Fucked up point, to go back to that lifestyle. Funny how God can be SO Sneaky in teaching us Truth. It would be years later that I would figure out my Value in Christ. But that really was where He first started worming His way into my heart...during the Hell years when I only saw Him as the reason for my Pain.

What a GREAT GOD we have. That He cares SO Much and has Such Patience -- even when we are hellbent on fearing and fleeing Him. That He would rescue and heal a Broken Slut like me. That He would show me the Value in Brokenness, the Value in Pain, the Value in even the Hell Years.

Those years were truly the worst of my life, but I am also at the point where, even though I regret them, I am Genuinely Grateful for them. Cool how God can do weird shit like that huh? But seriously - how many Christian women have my history? I can empathize in a way that tend to be rare. Why do people open up to me so easily with their shit? Because I have no room to judge. And I certainly have no wish to do so. You also can't shock me. If I haven't done it, I have known someone who has. Empathy is high nigh impossible without a basis of understanding, and I have hella more than that. I also have something that I find Super Exciting lately.

That void, that feeling of a black hole sucking everything of me into it? That's what people have when they are seperated from God. Whether you are fleeing Him like me, angry at Him, whatever your reason -- a hole develops deep in the pit of your stomach that has to be filled(and nothing temporal will do)....or you will you lose all of you and end up killing yourself. Everybody in the psych wards know about this hole. It's common knowledge among the Hopeless. Which is why people who attempt and fail suicide will either end up becoming Hella Strong and Crazy Weird Christians...or become regular residents of their local psyh ward. This is also a common scenario in Prisons. And I remember that Void! I remember how much it Hurt! How it HAD to be filled! How it could Never STAY Filled! I remember how it controlled my life. And this Intense Memory of a Feeling gives me the ability to empathize and interact in ways that is uncommon and incredibly refreshing to others struggling with such a thing. And so I find I am Thankful for the Memory and even more so, for the Hell Years that created it. Empathy is one of the Strongest Components of Love. And without Love, Himself...we would ALL be Lost.

That is all I wish to say today. Do with it what you will. I think my memories of that year will start to Hurt less now.

Comfort in Pain

The Pain hit. This is nothing new. I didn'the fight it this time. I was resigned. I just stepped into the shower, sunk to my knees and let it hit me. I didn't scream - home alone now means I will permit myself noise - and sobbing feels better than silently screaming.

And as the first wave of onslought beguns to recede something occurs to me...

I'm not scared.

The Pain - there's nothing like it. In the past I would rather be dead than to feel it. God simply wouldn't allow that no matter how hard I tried. The lengths I have gone through to simply prevent it should have killed me. But again - God said no.

I have cursed Him for this. I have seen Him as Cruel for making me Live. Above all - I have feared God more than the Pain. Because I ALWAYS KNEW that He could take it away...but He didn't.

I don't believe in Travelling Mercies. I Loathe Prayers for Healing. For I know that this is not God's way. The path of a Christian is HARD. It is NOT Easy and it Often Hurts Like a Bitch. I will not be the one to sugar coat it for people. I will not pretend it's all Rainbows and Butterflies. That's just plain BULLSHIT.

But I will tell you this.

It's Worth It.

Pain that drove me to attempt suicide on numerous occasions - is Worth It.

Why?

Because I see what many cannot. What many are unable to see because their very soul has not been shattered...repeatedly. Mine has. And I will Forever be Broken.

I. Am. Broken.

Permanently and unashamadly - Broken.

And yet. There is a verse I have clung to, without fully understanding why...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christʼs power may rest on me.
~2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

And another...
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
~Psalm 51:17 NIV

As I have said, more times than I can count - I am Broken. And I realize, more and more every day, what a GOOD thing this is.

And as I curled there in the shower, my face pressed to the floor for comfort and hot water pounding my back mingling with my once-shameful tears -- I took comfort in this.

I was not Afraid.

I can tell you with sincerity - I cannot be hurt more than I have been - more than I still am. The Pain is unsurmountable and will be with me for the Rest of my Life. I have already come to terms with that.

And as I lay there - for the First Time...I did not beg God, "Please. Please. Please. Please - make it stop." I did not fear it would drive me over the cliffs of insanity. I did not fear it would break my heart, body, mind or soul.

No. I accepted the Pain and I Trusted Him. I Trusted that He would give me the Strength I needed to survive it. I Trusted that there would be an end - be it days, weeks or months later. And having been caught in a Pain Storm that lasted over a year before - it is no small feat to Trust I can survive that again. To Trust it will end and I will feel Joy once more.

I never know wny the Pain hits, not until the Storm is over. As a consequence - I do not know how long they will last. I get breaks, like the eye of a hurricane, but I never know how many eyes there and how long even they will last. And this makes the Pain even more terrifying. And yet...

I was not scared. Not even slightly. I was shocked when I found myself thinking -- about Happiness!!! I cannot remember such a thing exists when the Pain takes over! And yet, I did. There was even a faint memory of this feeling, although not the feeling itself. It was, odd - in all honesty.

To be in Pain that has Broken me Completrly in the Past, but to also feel......Safe. That's the word I'm looking for. That is a Contradiction of the Wildest Sort. But the  - God is very fond of such a thing.

How often does He remind me He is God? Amazing, All-Powerful, Wonderful, Good, Kind, Loving - Who Loves a wretch like me!  He so often does this by showing me that the Impossible without Him - is Possible WITH Him. I oftrn say that my Life is one Big Irony since His and my relationship really took off. I find it quite humorous how often He likes to prove my doubts, fears and insecurities wrong in such Big Ways. He did invent humor too, we often forget. And I Love Him for it :)

And thus I have learned you can find comfort from Pain. For I cannot hurt more than this. And no matter how often it tries to kill me - God shows me He is Stronger and that with Him - So too am I.

He is THE Game Changer

It’s been a couple weeks now since I was hit with the complete understanding that I am always going to have Pain. I remember how overwhelmed I was at the thought of Feeling Everything SO Intensely and not letting myself just shut it off all together again. I always thought that working Crazy Hard on my therapy would have the benefit of my mind and emotions calming down - that they would peter out and become bearable with time. But that was never the case. What I have been working towards constantly is raising the bar for what I can handle. My Pain Tolerance is going up as well as my ability to function through it. I will always be Broken - and that’s ok. It's going to be more than ok. For God specializes in contradictions and after today - there is no doubt in my mind that a Broken Tool is the Most Useful for His line of Work. I shattered today more times than I can remember. And although my ability to see through Truth as my mind breaks and the screams won't stop is hazy at best -- my Faith in Him will NOT waver. I am His, He is MINE and NO ONE can take that away from me. Not even the Pain. I will survive this World as I look forward to the next. Not just survive it though - I will Thrive in it. I will do this at His behest. Because He Loves me. And that was the Biggest Game Changer of my Life...not to mention the Entire World as we know it. Thank You my Lord -- for Grace.

Through His Eyes

Mirror Mirror - on the Wall...

Do you ever wonder how any woman could have the audacity to ask such a Question?

Or perhaps you are one of the Rarities in this World who can look in a mirror and see Beauty...instead of all the flaws.

When it comes to seeing my reflection - I would rather be a vampire, than a princess.

I would rather see Nothing than the face that stares back at me.

What do I see when I look in the mirror?
What every woman sees.
Every single Imperfection. Every Scar. Every Bit of Pain and Sin is captured there. And I see the Perfect Mask hiding it all.

Well. It was Perfect.

But now there is a furrow in my brow when I'm upset. My jaw will clench when I'm trying to hold it together. I can see new tears that are now only barely hidden with the correct expression, an artful smile and a small laugh.

Or Worse...
I see the Blank Stare of a woman who refuses to don her mask, but is neither willing to cry. She just buries her emotions like a Bitch with a Disgusting Bone. A pathetic thing to see for sure.

Because my Perfect Mask was Broken - by God Himself. I will never look into the Mirror to see Ice Bitch staring back at me again. And that. That makes the flaws I now see - Completely. And Utterly. WorthIt.

I am not a Good Person. I am not a Princess. But Neither am I an Evil Queen. I am not Average or Unique.

I'm just me.

A little girl trapped in a Fallen World.
A silly bunny who finally decided to Live and learn to Love, but still doesn't know how to do that Well.
A woman following God but making all this shit up as she goes.

I am Nothing. He is Everything.
This I Know.

But sometimes I wish I could look in the mirror and see a Woman after God's Own Heart.
Sometimes I wish the Reflection starting back at me was Good.
Not Beautiful. Not Perfect. Not Pleasing to the Eye.
Just. Good.

But that's why we have each other right?
This is one of the many reasons God created the Church - why He designed Life the Way He did.


A Pilgrim's Progress is a very lonely thing, and not an easy thing on your own.
And while it can be Necessary - God gave us fellow sojourners to journey with Home.
He gave us a Family. Quite Large in fact.
He gave us people who have strengths where our weaknesses lie.
He gave us friends to help in time of need. People to Cherish and Love.
God gave us So Many others to see what we cannot - even when it's our own selves.
So maybe I cannot look into a mirror and see Good.

It doesn't matter.
Because I can look into the eyes of so many of my friends and find it there.
I can look towards my Lord to remind me when I forget.

I am not an Evil Queen. Nor am I a Princess.

I am just me.

Flawed, Imperfect, Sinful, Batshit Crazy...Broken.
And God's Own.
He chose me - fuck if I know why. But Grateful I Totally am.
For He brings out the Good in me.

He thawed my Heart of Ice.
He filled the Void deep in the Pit of my Soul.
He took all that was Broken and Shattered - and started Piecing it back together...One shard at a time.

Maybe OneDay I will look in the mirror and see more than the Scars of my Brokenness.
Today is not that day.
But maybe...OneDay.

End Dramatics.

<3

No. Not End. I Found what God was trying to Remind me. I found exactly what I said. I may not be able to look in a mirror to see who God made me to be. But I can see it through His Eyes. Through the eyes of many who Love me. Thank You my Lord. Thank You for this Beautiful Family you have gifted me with...