No. No. No. I’m tired of Prettiness being All that and a Box of Chocolate. I friggin love dressing up! I love getting all dolled up and feeling Beautiful and even Sexy! What I hate is how people react. There are very few people who I enjoy a compliment about my looks. Very very few people. And NO - don’t give me that shit. I KNOW what it feels like to Be UGLY. I was. And not because of my weight. But because on top of around 300 pounds I also was Severely Depressed and Anxiety Ridden. I was haggard, worn and Miserable. I didn’t like myself, had Zero Confidence and Simply wanted to Die. Yeah - I was fucking UGLY.
Now? Now I want to Live - like Truly Live. Live for God. Following Him is fucking hard, but my looks have transformed in this Pilgrim’s Progress. And those are the Compliments I LOVE. Because they have nothing to do with me, but with God. They aren’t shallow or superficial, but meaningful. But compliments on my weight? Worthless to me. I’m sorry if you’ve done this and are now reading - but it’s the Truth. I LOATHE Compliments on my weight. I take them with a thank you, because the person is being kind. But I ABHOR them. Why?
Because I truly believe you have your priorities Incredibly Screwed up to think a person’s WORTH is based on their weight. I’m not saying that my friends and family who compliment me necessarily think this. But the majority of people who I come into contact with in The World and in The Church - DO. They don’t know this, but I have been on both ends of the Extreme. As an adult my weight has fluctuated Drastically Several times. I have been below 100 pounds and over 200 enough times I have more stretch marks than the average mother - and that is NOT an exaggeration.
And do you know what I learned? I was worth more: my opinion, my attention, my company, etc. These were all sought after whenever I was skinny. When I was Big? No, people assumed I must not be doing well. I must be depressed to be that big. And while that was often true, it struck me dumb when I realized that people had a tendency to think I was doing WELL when I dropped weight. How Clueless are people? Let me clue you in on something that is Incredibly Basic but often brushed off as UnImportant. I, and many others - eat when depressed. Yeah - I know you know that. Second half of this BASIC, but IMPORTANT Knowledge - People who Struggle with Severe Anxiety - Cannot Eat. Not WILL NOT. CANNOT. Do you Understand? You say you do, but how come I get jokes about how “Well I’d rather not be able to eat than overeat.” Fuck That. Fuck that society has conditioned people to make such a flippant and callous “joke”. Do you realize how fucked up that is? I’m not a girl who is bragging that she missed a meal through a mock complaint. Do you know what it’s like to live with constant nausea? If you’re a mother - there’s a good chance you do. Why the hell would you joke that you want that?! I FUCKING Hate it! To be hungry but also nauseous! To eventually have eaten so little you stop being hungry alltogether, just nauseous at the thought of eating. Do you know what happens then? Not only do you lose the weight from extra fat cells, but also your muscle. I couldn’t pick up a plate of food at a restaurant to serve at table, I had lost so much of my muscle. I didn’t do drugs then, or even drink - I was too nauseous to do either of those either. And then I started shaking, constantly. It never stopped. A constant tremor that I could turn into a party trick simply by showing people my palms relaxed. You could see the outline of EVERY Single one of my ribs. My spine looked like something you would find in the Science Museum on display. And let me remind you that this isn’t anorexia, which is a whole different problem. This is Extreme Anxiety after a couple months. And nausea is only one of the many symptoms of course. Suicide Attempts will follow not long after it gets this severe. Another difference between the underlying causes for overeating and undereating in many cases similar to mine. Depression to an Extreme will be easy to be seen, although rarely understood. Anxiety - people can’t see it or understand it. Depression to an Extreme had me in bed for 6 months. Dropping out of school, quitting my job, just laying in bed, day after day. Just waiting for the end. Wishing you could fall asleep and never wake up. Anxiety - it doesn’t work the same. There are Many Unhealthy Coping Methods for Anxiety to get you through the day looking “Normal”. Physical Pain topping the list. They will also eventually get you killed. No - cutting may be safe if you do it right, but that’s not what I’m saying. Because it’s a Temporary Fix. Believe me. I never cut, because I knew how much I would crave it. But I had my own outlets in the realm of physical pain. And mine left deeper scars than cutting can. Severe Anxiety is Caused by Fucking Deep-Ass Pain. Unhealthy Coping methods are like those movies where an accident happens and someone rips off their shirt to put pressure on a mortal wound. You are Dying...from the inside-out. You need more than pressure and someone’s T-shirt.
Anxiety is NOT Something to Fucking Joke about. And while I don’t blame people for being unable to see my anxiety, when I have Perfected the Craft of Hiding it. Although - God has been Slowly Guiding me to Trust People to let it show, which SUCKS. I cannot tell you how hard it has been to be doing SO POORLY. To Be Constantly Anxious that I am Physically Ill. To be barely holding it together and it’s starting to show in my weight-loss. To have someone come up to me and I am concentrating so hard on smiling, on getting through the day and then to have them say compliment my looks and if they know me, they typically add that their glad I’m doing “So Well.” That. That is when I want to flee. That moment when weight goes hand-in-hand with my worth. Oh - you didn’t make that leap? People who aren’t “Doing Well” aren’t worth anything. Didn’t you know that? If you’re not a Productive Member of Society than you misewell just kill yourself now. Oh don’t worry - God didn’t let me die no matter how many times I caved to this perpetuated social norm.
I am SO SICK of people thinking they are Better than others. I am BEYOND Exhausted Dealing with the Pride SO Prevalent in The Church. Everyone has faults and I HATE my own. But thinking you’re better or worth more than another just makes me ILL. If you think a person’s Worth is measured by their weight, by their college degree, career choice, type of addiction aka. Idol, their wardrobe, age, Life Choices - You. Are. A. FOOL. Oh Hell Yes - I am often a Fool. I do not deny this. I accept it with eagerness. I mean - if I had an idiotic notion that I wasn’t - Christ wouldn’t be able to fix me. I KNOW I am Broken. But God is making me anew. He is Transforming me each and every day. Even though the sin in my heart, in the hearts of other and even the world - is Constantly damaging the Masterpiece He once designed me to be. And yet - He keeps working. The Never-ending project of my Soul. He watches as I smash a Beautiful Piece of my own Soul, that He Designed, in Rage. But what does He do? He stands stalwart as I beat Him with my fists, until my anger turns to Pain. And then He holds me close as I begin to sob. How often have I fallen asleep in His arms from just this scenario? Lulled to sleep by the Reminder that He will Never Leave me. He will Never Forsake me. I can’t run away from Him. I can’t even run Him off. I’m stuck with Him, no matter how little I deserve it. Because nobody does. No matter who you are or where you are in Life - NOBODY Deserves to be saved. Nobody is Worth More. I don’t know why He picked me - but I thank You GOD that You did. And this is what I Plead. Of You and others. Let people see the Beauty of God in me. Please. I do not appreciate the body you gave me as I should, and for that I am sorry. But I Beg of You. Let my Worth be seen through other gifts you have given me. Not that one. Please. I want to enjoy the idea that I may be pretty. And right now - I simply don’t. Please.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Monday, December 26, 2016
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Another Ramble on Men, Women and Our Minds
There are many like me, but we are not average whatsoever in this category, among others. Because of this - the mind has come to fascinate me. Learning how mine differs from others is Super Exciting as it is Incredibly Helpful in Relationship Quandaries. Conflict springs up betwixt any two people, but it can be high-nigh impossible to settle if you are unable to understand why it exists. Often people simply cannot because they are unable to communicate the differences that they are upset over. Often they cannot communicate, because they never took the time to be introspective and understand why they themselves think the way they do, so they sure as hell haven’t taken the time to understand why another person may think differently. One of the Biggest Components of DBT(Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is just this. I have taken, and still take - a Hella Amount of Time to figure out WHY I think the way I do. Why others think the way they do. And then how to interact in a Healthy Way when Conflict arises using this information.
Anyone can tell you Communication is Key in Relationships. And it’s Easy to see why. As soon as we are born we start evolving and devolving. No Two minds are born the same OR nurtured the same. By a Very Young Age each of our minds are Drastically Different than each others. There are average areas and norms, but every one of us is unique with our own strengths and failings. If you walk around assuming others think they way you do - you’re not gonna have a lot of friends. It’s a very wise idea to take time to see how you think and also how that differs from others. I once was forced to do this to regain my sanity. Now it has become a passion. Particularly that of men and women - as it is the most drastic of differences in the two largest Norms.
I was thinking of compartmentalization and the Nothing Box, of course. It STILL BOGGLES MY MIND that guys can think about NOTHING. I can’t! I WAS that girl that would ask a guy “whatchya thinking about?” And when he replied “nothing.” I assumed he just didn’t want to tell me. Drove me Bonkers! I NEVER considered the possibility that they actually weren’t thinking of anything, because in my mind - that in NO WAY is or ever has been Possible! And this did cause more than a few conflicts. Ever since I learned about the “Nothing Box” - Thank you Mark Gungor! Well - it was life altering! I don’t get mad at guys for lying to me anymore - because I realize - they aren’t! And that led me to more revelations. Do you know that guys need to figure some stuff out often by NOT talking about it?! I know - SO Weird!
But back to compartmentalization. Guys do this well. Girls really don’t. And I don’t think we often take the time to applicably consider this idea. Because - I think it often LOOKS like a girl is Compartmentalizing. So a guy is at work - he’s at work, working. Unless his work is interrupted - he’s probably not going to think about home stuff. A guy is cool in that when he can be completely focused and present in what he’s doing, so long as he’s not distracted. In my experience - Engineers reign in this area. But girls - we don’t operate that way. We may LOOK like we’re completely present. But - were often not. We’re multi-tasking. 24/7. There are no compartments. We’re watching a movie and thinking about a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and that maybe I should give her a call. Did I switch the laundry earlier? Oh, I don’t want to grocery shop tomorrow - we’ll just eat leftovers for dinner. Oh that shirt looks good at that character - I wonder if I can find it for a reasonable price? Oh no - did I hear my husband cough - there’s something going around, I hope he’s not getting sick. I’ll make him drink some of granny’s syrup later. Should I take a melatonin soon so I’ll be sleepy by the time this is over?
And while we are thinking all this and a bazillion other thoughts - we’re enjoying the movie, laughing, crying, screaming in terror(I don’t know what you watch). We can be fully present, our minds can just multi-task at very high-levels. This also often causes us to be less-focused than a guy and often cause us to look random and/or crazy. Particularly if an unrelated thought becomes emotional. One minute we’re playing a board game and the next we’re crying about that mean thing you said last week. Our minds - they don’t stop or go in a logical way. Some minds may be more organized and less jumpy than others, but in general girls tune out the unrelated bits. Or - try to. If a girl is stressed, but has a job to do, she’s still stressed - she’s just doing her best to tune out the stress. This is also why girls develop Skillfully Detailed Masks. Because a girl can’t put her stress away in a box so she can hostess. No - she just tunes it out the best she can, which tends to only work for very small stressors, like “Will people be able to find the place alright?” Big stressors, like a huge fight with a husband right before everybody arrives? Yeah - Mask. Firmly in Place. Make it through the night before you break down. And the Entire Party is now devoted to getting through it without people seeing that all you are now thinking about is the hurtful things that were said.
So yeah - girls do want to talk about it “Right NOW!” Because they have stuff to do - they have a life to live. And No - we don’t want to stress about something any longer than we absolutely have to. We don’t have an on/off switch for our thinking or our worries. We can’t put them a box, labeled neatly to go through at will. 24/7 our thoughts have access to us - many times without our permission. I feel like men can control their minds, while us women - many times just can’t. We only learn how to cope with them. How to handle them when they’re being a pain in the ass, which is Always.
I don’t know if this will be helpful for anyone, but writing it sure as hell was for me. So next time you wonder why a girl is acting a bit odd - there’s a good chance she’s stressed about something, or many somethings, and her mask is slipping. OneDay we won’t need masks, but in this day and age - society does not allow for that. You won’t keep a customer service job if you cannot perfect the “Barbie Smile.” And even with Good Friends - Eeyore is not a companion you want to invite to shindigs. I’m thankful I have friends who enjoy when I am Real. But they are a Rare find. Nobody’s perfect and there is NO Such Thing as a “True Friend”. Everyone fucks up and you will not only be hurt by a friend - but will hurt a friend. Even by accident. You want to find a True Friend, one who is Perfect and NEVER Hurts you? Grab a Bible and read the New Testament. But aside from Jesus, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with Imperfections in humans. Not to mention your own. Yeah - it sucks. Believe me - I get that. Where’s my damn Easy Button?
Oh - and this is what happens when I’m reading a book and smell cookies. If you’re confused - EXACTLY. My mind multi-tasks at the Speed of Light on Steroids. Good luck following my white rabbit.
And while we are thinking all this and a bazillion other thoughts - we’re enjoying the movie, laughing, crying, screaming in terror(I don’t know what you watch). We can be fully present, our minds can just multi-task at very high-levels. This also often causes us to be less-focused than a guy and often cause us to look random and/or crazy. Particularly if an unrelated thought becomes emotional. One minute we’re playing a board game and the next we’re crying about that mean thing you said last week. Our minds - they don’t stop or go in a logical way. Some minds may be more organized and less jumpy than others, but in general girls tune out the unrelated bits. Or - try to. If a girl is stressed, but has a job to do, she’s still stressed - she’s just doing her best to tune out the stress. This is also why girls develop Skillfully Detailed Masks. Because a girl can’t put her stress away in a box so she can hostess. No - she just tunes it out the best she can, which tends to only work for very small stressors, like “Will people be able to find the place alright?” Big stressors, like a huge fight with a husband right before everybody arrives? Yeah - Mask. Firmly in Place. Make it through the night before you break down. And the Entire Party is now devoted to getting through it without people seeing that all you are now thinking about is the hurtful things that were said.
So yeah - girls do want to talk about it “Right NOW!” Because they have stuff to do - they have a life to live. And No - we don’t want to stress about something any longer than we absolutely have to. We don’t have an on/off switch for our thinking or our worries. We can’t put them a box, labeled neatly to go through at will. 24/7 our thoughts have access to us - many times without our permission. I feel like men can control their minds, while us women - many times just can’t. We only learn how to cope with them. How to handle them when they’re being a pain in the ass, which is Always.
I don’t know if this will be helpful for anyone, but writing it sure as hell was for me. So next time you wonder why a girl is acting a bit odd - there’s a good chance she’s stressed about something, or many somethings, and her mask is slipping. OneDay we won’t need masks, but in this day and age - society does not allow for that. You won’t keep a customer service job if you cannot perfect the “Barbie Smile.” And even with Good Friends - Eeyore is not a companion you want to invite to shindigs. I’m thankful I have friends who enjoy when I am Real. But they are a Rare find. Nobody’s perfect and there is NO Such Thing as a “True Friend”. Everyone fucks up and you will not only be hurt by a friend - but will hurt a friend. Even by accident. You want to find a True Friend, one who is Perfect and NEVER Hurts you? Grab a Bible and read the New Testament. But aside from Jesus, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with Imperfections in humans. Not to mention your own. Yeah - it sucks. Believe me - I get that. Where’s my damn Easy Button?
Oh - and this is what happens when I’m reading a book and smell cookies. If you’re confused - EXACTLY. My mind multi-tasks at the Speed of Light on Steroids. Good luck following my white rabbit.
P.s. Besides adding a few paragraph breaks - I don't feel like reading this over or editing it. Yeah - well. I'm tired and I have a headache. I'm sure you will survive. And at least some of you can shut your brain down when you're done and give it a rest. Don't take that shit for granted. Also - a cat without a grin is easy to be seen, but if you see a grin without a cat - well then...there's a good chance you're a lot like me.
Friday, December 16, 2016
Two Extremes
It feels good to do good doesn’t it? But what about the times when doing the right thing hurts us? You treat someone with kindness and they’re rude in return. You speak up for a mistreated person or group and end up losing your reputation.
Throughout history people have endured violence, arrest, imprisonment and worse for standing up for what’s right. Figures like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr and Mother Teresa stand out as icons of doing good, no matter the cost.
This beatitude encourages us to keep on doing good, whatever the cost. And to believe that doing the right thing is more important than any opposition we may face.
#versefirst #lightrevolution#thelightrevolution #beatitudes #nlt#justice #blessed #serveoneanother#radicallove #faith #jesus#christiancreative#30daysofbiblelettering #instapray#goodnewsfeed #hereadstruth #life
We are called to Follow God and to treat others as He would. Even if we are mistreated in return, we are to be kind. Even if we lose our reputation in a world where this easily happens when Standing up for what is Right. And this includes your friends, your family. This includes our CHRISTIAN friends and family. The Church may be built on the Cornerstone, but is comprised of sinners until the day we are Freed from sin. They will Mess up -- BigTime. Because we ALL do. Even church can become an idol, particularly if you insist on seeing the people within as those who can do no wrong. We may be set apart by God, but we are NO Better than ANYONE. If you are unwilling to grasp that - God will be having a Serious sit-down with you in the future. Do what is Right and Good. Ask #WhatWouldJesusDo? Follow God, when in the World AND sitting in the pew at church. No matter the Cost. God warns us the Path of Righteousness is NOT easy. It's Hella Hard. If you're Life is all Fun and Games, you may want to Question if you have your Priorities in Order.
We are called to Follow God and to treat others as He would. Even if we are mistreated in return, we are to be kind. Even if we lose our reputation in a world where this easily happens when Standing up for what is Right. And this includes your friends, your family. This includes our CHRISTIAN friends and family. The Church may be built on the Cornerstone, but is comprised of sinners until the day we are Freed from sin. They will Mess up -- BigTime. Because we ALL do. Even church can become an idol, particularly if you insist on seeing the people within as those who can do no wrong. We may be set apart by God, but we are NO Better than ANYONE. If you are unwilling to grasp that - God will be having a Serious sit-down with you in the future. Do what is Right and Good. Ask #WhatWouldJesusDo? Follow God, when in the World AND sitting in the pew at church. No matter the Cost. God warns us the Path of Righteousness is NOT easy. It's Hella Hard. If you're Life is all Fun and Games, you may want to Question if you have your Priorities in Order.
And if you're on the Opposite End of this Spectrum. If you Struggle to let yourself Relax, just for a Moment, because There is SO Much to DO. I mean, cause...How can I Relax when I still need to call them, write that email, finish this paperwork, take the car there, the dog/cat/child needs this, my Entire house is a Disaster, Oh I feel a Headache building, I should probably eat something today, but I can do that after that appointment. Maybe - I need to stop and pick that thing up first, oh my gosh I forget his/her Birthday is next week. I need to get that too. If the car makes it. It sounded iffy this morning. I guess I should get it looked at. I can probably squeeze that in before the party tonight. Shoot - I have to get that ingredient for the dish I promised I'd make. I should have just offered to just bring the soda. No, it's cool. If I just rearrange those two, I can squeeze in some baking. Oh, but I forgot I have to drop that off! Today was the last day I can! Well - the party isn't formal. I can cut out time if I just do basic makeup, nix the shower in favor of dry shampoo. Oh wait - we were talking about time to Relax? Um. Yeah - No. I don't think that's gonna work. My Life already IS Hella Hard. I don't need to make it harder by trying to squeeze in Relaxation. It's gonna be Hard Enough finding time to have a Breakdown Later.
Yeah - SweetHeart. Breathe. If you're the type who Struggles more with allowing yourself a Break. I still Recommend a sit-down with God. But - ask Him for Help. People who tend towards this Extreme often have a Hard Time thinking they don't have to DO it ALL. That Life and Death of their hominee, children, friends, the World - rests on their shoulders. Not necessarily out of Pride either. A lack of Trust is NOT always rooted in Pride. But be aware that when you don't or can't allow yourself room to Breathe - you're not Giving Everything to God. When you give Him charge of your schedule - I know from Experience He's really Great about penciling in Times of Rest. But that will mean giving up Control. And from a Gal who has Worshiped Control on the Alter of Fear - and still Has a Friggin Hella Hard Time giving it up - I'll tell you that it won't be Easy. If I could get Easy Buttons for Everyone for Christmas I Totally would.
Life is not meant to be Easy. But it also isn't meant to Drive you to Insanity. There is an Inbetween to these Extremes. And No Matter which way you lean, for nobody walks the Lines of Life with Perfect Balance except our One and Only Savior -- and whether you lean one way or the other, or fluctuate in your attempt to Follow God, to act as Jesus and Find that Perfect Balance on Life's tight rope. In the End -- it's not a TightRope after all. It's just another Battle in a War that is Already WON. So while we do have to keep Fighting for God. While we DO have to Ask "What Would Jesus Do?" and look to Him with how to Find Balance. While Becoming a Christian does NOT mean God will Snap His Fingers and POOF - all your sin and Heartache is now Gone. We have more than HOPE. We have Assurance. We have God Almighty's Promise that there is an End to this Madness and then we can Go HOME.
When you get Overwhelmed with the Day to Day -- Remember the BigPicture. Our Story is not over yet, but the Ending is Already Written. And Spoiler Alert: It's a Happy Ending :)
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
A Letter and A Prayer
When I was six years old, I gave my first bl*wjob.“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”
It was too big, and I threw up on him.He said I’d do better the next time.
When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.
When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.
When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift my skirt up for her. She was pretty and kind, and told me that I could only be her friend if I did what she said.
I wanted to be her friend.
When I was ten years old, a relative demanded that he get a kiss on the cheek every time we met. He was large and loud, and I proceeded to hide under my bed whenever I learnt that he was visiting.
I was known as a rude child.
When I was eleven, my auto-man told me that we would only leave if I gave him a hug every day.
He smelled like cheap soap and cigarettes.
When I was twelve years old, I watched as a man on the street touched my mother’s breast as he passed us. She slapped him amidst the shouts of onlookers telling her to calm down.
She didn’t calm down.
When I was thirteen years old, I exited a restaurant only to see a man visibly masturbating as he walked towards me. As he passed, he winked lasciviously.
My friends and I shifted our gazes down, aghast.
When I was fourteen, a young man in an expensive car followed me home as I walked back from an evening class. I ignored his offer to give me a ride, and I panicked when he got out, only to buy me a box of chocolate that I refused. He parked at the end of my road, and didn’t go away for an hour.
“It turns me on to see you so scared.”
When I was fifteen, I was groped on a bus. It was with a heart full of shame that I confided in a friend, only to be met with his anger and disappointment that I had not shouted at the molester at the time when it happened. My soft protests of being afraid and alone were drowned out as he berated my inaction. To him, my passiveness and silence were the reasons why things like this continue to happen.
He did not wait for my response.
When I was sixteen, I discovered that Facebook had a section of inbox messages named ‘others’, which contained those mails received from strangers, automatically stored as spam. Curious, I opened it to find numerous messages from men I had never seen before. I was propositioned, called sexy, asked for nudes, and insulted.
Delete message.
When I was seventeen, I called for help as a drunken man tried to sexually harass me in a crowded street.
The people around me seemed to walk by quicker.
At eighteen, I was told that sexism doesn’t exist in modern society.
I was told that harassment couldn’t be as bad as us women make it out to be.
That I should watch what I wear.
Never mind you were six, never mind you were wearing pink pajamas.
That I should be louder.
But not too loud, a lady must be polite.
That I should always ask for help.
But stop overreacting, there’s a difference.
That I should stay in at night, because it isn’t safe.
You can’t get harassed in broad daylight.
That I should always travel with no less than two boys with me.
You need to be protected.
That it can’t be that hard to be a girl.
I am now nineteen years old.
I am now tired.
By Anonymous
Artwork by Mayka
Eloquent, Heartbreaking and for those many who are Blind to the World - Very, very Common. This does not shock me - I have heard this life story from hundreds of women, all with their own unique, sickening twists. I also have my own horror stories. Very few women have the luxury of fearlessness in the day-to-day. I am working on giving my fears to God - but that doesn't mean I am safe. It just means that when I get hurt - He has promised to Heal me.
God doesn't promise our hearts, mind and bodies won't Break in following Him. In fact - He warns us that they will. But He does promise to make us anew every morning. Every Moment of Every Day God is putting together the pieces that have been Broken. He is making us into the Most Beautiful Masterpieces - the likes I cannot even Imagine. And although my heart is still broken, my mind is still shattered - and people are constantly stomping on the pieces - or I am throwing them across the room in Rage. He is God. He owns my very Soul and Guards it with His Life. Sacrificed His Son's Life to Save it.
He's basically Santy Clause on Heavenly Steroids. Despite how much work there is to do to in a limited amount of time, He is easily able to keep up. And He ends up being Ahead of Schedule too! I swear I would NOT have believed you last year if you described who I am today. And so - Life becomes a Cha-Cha: I'm dancing across the Ballroom - Two steps Forward and One step Back. Slowly, but surely - I will make it through this Life.
I don't ask God for much. And I Certainly do NOT ask Him for something as Naive as General Safety. My Number One Prayer Request is that He reminds me why this Life is Worth It. I ask Him to Prove to me why I should care when it's Rough. And He does. Every Time. He doesn't have to - but He does :') And that is Enough. You can go through Anything when He answers a Prayer like that. Thank You my Lord.
Thank You for Your Faithfulness to a Scared, Weak, Rebellious girl - who, like so many others - is often Tired. Tired of this Game called Life. You give me the Strength to not only Survive it - but to even begin to Enjoy it. I never asked for that. Never expected that to even be attainable. But you saw not only what I needed - but also what I wanted.
Now I cannot Imagine how anyone who has You as their Savior - could possibly want anyone but You to be in control of their life! How do we - How do I - so often forget that you have me covered?! Don't let me forget Lord. Even if it hurts - don't let me forget why I need You. Why I love You. Don't let me run away EVER Again. Don't let me even want to! I beg You Lord, let me Live for You and Only You, all the Days of this Life.
Amen
<3 Not the End of a Prayer - simply a Pause between Prayers <3
Thursday, December 1, 2016
It's Science
So I've been thinking. Yes yes - Dangerous. But also Inevitable. I mean - I'm always thinking. 24/7 - remember? But this thinking, it's been a concept in my mind - a concept without words. That happens daily, if not hourly.I have so many thoughts and several times a day one of the through processes that has been ruminating for months, or years - comes to fruition. Today it's an idea on women.
Often I hear women chastised for speaking poorly of their husbands. They are scolded for calling their husbands stupid - for jokes about how men are Dumb and Oblivious. It bothered me - these chastisements, but I didn't know why. I mean - I agree it's wrong to say unkind things in General, much less about your own husband. But I realize why it's been constantly irking me. Why my mind has been so unsettled with every sermon or talk given where women are convicted for thinking cruelly of their hubbys.
Maybe you will agree - maybe you won't, but I feel quite strongly about this. If you've read my previous posts on men and women you will have a basis for this ramble - if not I encourage you to find them, I don't particularly feel like it at this moment, my mind is too full of this. But - for those who do follow me - you know I am passionate on the idea of feminism - and how it has been done poorly. No - it was done Completely WRONG.
We ARE Equal to men and we are NOT treated as an equal. I'm Totally NOT Ok with that. We are also only treated as an equal if we act LIKE a man! We have sought equality by trying to gain the Strengths of a MAN instead of fighting to show that a Woman's Strengths are SO Worth of Equality!! And they ARE. Our Emotions, our shitload of thinking, our introspection and understanding. Our CARING. These are NOT Worthless!!! And Shame on the FOOL who thinks so.
But we are taught that they are. We are taught that our Strengths are Worth Little. That we Care TOO Much. That we are Dramatic and Sensitive and that is a BAD thing that we should Apologize for!! You Fool. Society teaches us that to earn respect you must be unemotional, practical, oh and my favorite - LOGICAL. As if those are the only things worthy of listening to. You Fool. If you aren't mature enough yet to understand that - don't bother reading more. And I'm honestly a bit too angry to address you kindly.
So what does this have to do with my second paragraph? Oh - it surely does. And maybe you can follow my mind. I am not only a woman - but crazy broken. The white rabbit goes fast down the paths of my inner Wonderland. Women are taught that their Strengths are not Worthy. That what makes them Amazing is Worthless. This often leads to them thinking they, themselves are Worthless. As I did. But then, there are times where this pattern is broken. Something happens in a woman's life where she realizes this is wrong.
Maybe she has a white rabbit like mine or maybe someone impacted her life in an Amazing way. I don't know. But there is a point in many women's lives, or several - where they start to understand that their strengths are to be Valued. To be Praised. That their God-given Talents that society - in the World and within even The Church - have trampled upon. Strengths they have mocked and scorned - are actually to be Praised. They figure it out. And these women(me included) then overcompensate.
I talk about lines in life constantly. We walk a tight-rope between extremes. And we are not acrobats...so we fall off...Cooooonstantly. For Example - there is a line between being to legalistic and stick-up-your-ass and being too lenient and forgiving. You have to find the inbetween. And very rarely when you are leaning really far too one direction - can you find your balance again. Like a tightrope - you teeter, arms pinwheeling - trying to regain your balance, but often unable to do so. And in order to regain your balance when falling - Physics will tell you, in words far more eloquent - that you have to shift your weight just enough the opposite way to get back to where you need to be.
Now - if you've ever walked on the side plank of a railing-less bridge above a creek in the middle winter, lean too far over and try to right yourself - you'll know this is not easy whatsoever. Yes - I fell off. Well - I realized I couldn't right myself after pinwheeling for a hott-second and have always been a difficult, stubborn gal who needed to be in control and hated ANYone deciding things for her - Even Gravity. So I jumped in of course. Anyways - it's not easy to right yourself when your balancing.
If I haven't drilled it in. Whether it has to do with physical balance or balance of ideas, a Balance in Life - when we lean too far in one direction, and realize we are about to fall - we tend to overcompensate too much - trying to regain our balance. Science. And women do this. We are belittled for our strengths and in trying to regain our balance, we overcompensate by putting down men for theirs and belittling the weaknesses they do have.
I do not believe this is right. I just wanted to talk about the whole picture. People struggle to rewire their thoughts to follow God correctly. It's good to talk about this, it's not good to scold someone on something without seeing the why. Don't just tell someone their wrong without a solution. And NO Sweetheart - the solution is not "Well just don't do it". Um. Seriously? Who the fuck says that? I know people do. People do it to me. If you do - Stop. Stop Immediately. Do you see the irony? Yes - I was making a point.
Be empathetic - find out the root causes. Don't call someone out without all the facts. Realize that they likely don't have all the facts. Don't be the shallow type of missionary who goes overseas for a moment to help people, leaving nothing behind to guide them after they return to their first-world country. If you want to help - HELP. But that doesn't mean pointing out a problem without any help finding a solution. I would say that's quite the opposite of Helping someone.
Anyways - Passion spent. I'm done. I'll leave you with one more thought...
Often I hear women chastised for speaking poorly of their husbands. They are scolded for calling their husbands stupid - for jokes about how men are Dumb and Oblivious. It bothered me - these chastisements, but I didn't know why. I mean - I agree it's wrong to say unkind things in General, much less about your own husband. But I realize why it's been constantly irking me. Why my mind has been so unsettled with every sermon or talk given where women are convicted for thinking cruelly of their hubbys.
Maybe you will agree - maybe you won't, but I feel quite strongly about this. If you've read my previous posts on men and women you will have a basis for this ramble - if not I encourage you to find them, I don't particularly feel like it at this moment, my mind is too full of this. But - for those who do follow me - you know I am passionate on the idea of feminism - and how it has been done poorly. No - it was done Completely WRONG.
We ARE Equal to men and we are NOT treated as an equal. I'm Totally NOT Ok with that. We are also only treated as an equal if we act LIKE a man! We have sought equality by trying to gain the Strengths of a MAN instead of fighting to show that a Woman's Strengths are SO Worth of Equality!! And they ARE. Our Emotions, our shitload of thinking, our introspection and understanding. Our CARING. These are NOT Worthless!!! And Shame on the FOOL who thinks so.
But we are taught that they are. We are taught that our Strengths are Worth Little. That we Care TOO Much. That we are Dramatic and Sensitive and that is a BAD thing that we should Apologize for!! You Fool. Society teaches us that to earn respect you must be unemotional, practical, oh and my favorite - LOGICAL. As if those are the only things worthy of listening to. You Fool. If you aren't mature enough yet to understand that - don't bother reading more. And I'm honestly a bit too angry to address you kindly.
So what does this have to do with my second paragraph? Oh - it surely does. And maybe you can follow my mind. I am not only a woman - but crazy broken. The white rabbit goes fast down the paths of my inner Wonderland. Women are taught that their Strengths are not Worthy. That what makes them Amazing is Worthless. This often leads to them thinking they, themselves are Worthless. As I did. But then, there are times where this pattern is broken. Something happens in a woman's life where she realizes this is wrong.
Maybe she has a white rabbit like mine or maybe someone impacted her life in an Amazing way. I don't know. But there is a point in many women's lives, or several - where they start to understand that their strengths are to be Valued. To be Praised. That their God-given Talents that society - in the World and within even The Church - have trampled upon. Strengths they have mocked and scorned - are actually to be Praised. They figure it out. And these women(me included) then overcompensate.
I talk about lines in life constantly. We walk a tight-rope between extremes. And we are not acrobats...so we fall off...Cooooonstantly. For Example - there is a line between being to legalistic and stick-up-your-ass and being too lenient and forgiving. You have to find the inbetween. And very rarely when you are leaning really far too one direction - can you find your balance again. Like a tightrope - you teeter, arms pinwheeling - trying to regain your balance, but often unable to do so. And in order to regain your balance when falling - Physics will tell you, in words far more eloquent - that you have to shift your weight just enough the opposite way to get back to where you need to be.
Now - if you've ever walked on the side plank of a railing-less bridge above a creek in the middle winter, lean too far over and try to right yourself - you'll know this is not easy whatsoever. Yes - I fell off. Well - I realized I couldn't right myself after pinwheeling for a hott-second and have always been a difficult, stubborn gal who needed to be in control and hated ANYone deciding things for her - Even Gravity. So I jumped in of course. Anyways - it's not easy to right yourself when your balancing.
If I haven't drilled it in. Whether it has to do with physical balance or balance of ideas, a Balance in Life - when we lean too far in one direction, and realize we are about to fall - we tend to overcompensate too much - trying to regain our balance. Science. And women do this. We are belittled for our strengths and in trying to regain our balance, we overcompensate by putting down men for theirs and belittling the weaknesses they do have.
I do not believe this is right. I just wanted to talk about the whole picture. People struggle to rewire their thoughts to follow God correctly. It's good to talk about this, it's not good to scold someone on something without seeing the why. Don't just tell someone their wrong without a solution. And NO Sweetheart - the solution is not "Well just don't do it". Um. Seriously? Who the fuck says that? I know people do. People do it to me. If you do - Stop. Stop Immediately. Do you see the irony? Yes - I was making a point.
Be empathetic - find out the root causes. Don't call someone out without all the facts. Realize that they likely don't have all the facts. Don't be the shallow type of missionary who goes overseas for a moment to help people, leaving nothing behind to guide them after they return to their first-world country. If you want to help - HELP. But that doesn't mean pointing out a problem without any help finding a solution. I would say that's quite the opposite of Helping someone.
Anyways - Passion spent. I'm done. I'll leave you with one more thought...
Monday, November 28, 2016
Fear
I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.
Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.
Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.
I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.
When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.
Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.
I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.
You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!
You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.
But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.
So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.
When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.
And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.
And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.
But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.
I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.
No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.
But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.
There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.
Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.
One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.
With all my Imperfect Love
Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.
Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.
I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.
When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.
Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.
I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.
You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!
You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.
But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.
So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.
When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.
And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.
And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.
But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.
I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.
No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.
But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.
There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.
Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.
One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.
With all my Imperfect Love
Tuesday, November 15, 2016
A Ramble on Grossness & Bullies
If you are an Elite of Polite Society or if things gross you out easily - please steer clear of this odd rambling post...
I was thinking, I know it's a dangerous habit of mine -- and about gross things too nonetheless! Certainly not a topic for a lady to dwell on, much less talk or write about! And I'm about to do so - Oh My!!! That's alright - I've long since learned to ditch the stress and pain that comes from trying to fit in some Christian, societal mold that God was SO Not on Board with. So - Presenting a Woman of God's thoughts on Grossness:
We all have things that gross us out, and in general bodily functions gross most people out all around. At least, they'll say that. I'll be Real with you - I think earwax is Way Cool. Like, enthralling. As is pimple-popping. Yeah - I can hear the ews. I don't care. There's nothing immoral about liking earwax dude. It's not like I set up a shrine and worship it. So calm your tits.
But I don't think all gross things are cool. Vomit, blood, feces, urine - these are all preeeetty gross in my eyes. They're also not gag worthy to me either. Honestly, I've just helped so many drunk friends that it just isn't able to phase me anymore. I think Mommas are the same in this accord(substitute drunk friend for child obvs ;) ).
The one bodily function that is hurl-worthy in my eyes - is phlegm. The very thought makes me gag. Every winter I get a cold that has this as a by-product and I'm perpetually struggling with nausea. I have actually thrown up from not being able to spit it out. Also why I started carrying handkerchiefs and sleep with a plastic trashcan by my bed.
We all do gross things. For some reason it's a taboo subject. Don't ask me why - it's not Biblical so I certainly thinks it's a crock of Baloney. I actually encourage my friends to cut-the-cheese in front of me. Why? Because that means they're comfortable enough with me to do so. If food doesn't agree with you - you're gonna have an issue with gas. Please don't ever think that I will call you Gross for it.
Calling someone Gross, or suggesting it in anyway should never be something people do without thought. It's not funny. And it can scar a person. I cringe every time I contract an illness because there's the ongoing joke of "You're sick? Ew! Don't get near me!" as if I concocted some evil plan to take over the world with the flu, starting with my friends. Dude - I'm already sick and miserable. For Fuck's Sake - don't rub it in.
I was thinking, I know it's a dangerous habit of mine -- and about gross things too nonetheless! Certainly not a topic for a lady to dwell on, much less talk or write about! And I'm about to do so - Oh My!!! That's alright - I've long since learned to ditch the stress and pain that comes from trying to fit in some Christian, societal mold that God was SO Not on Board with. So - Presenting a Woman of God's thoughts on Grossness:
We all have things that gross us out, and in general bodily functions gross most people out all around. At least, they'll say that. I'll be Real with you - I think earwax is Way Cool. Like, enthralling. As is pimple-popping. Yeah - I can hear the ews. I don't care. There's nothing immoral about liking earwax dude. It's not like I set up a shrine and worship it. So calm your tits.
But I don't think all gross things are cool. Vomit, blood, feces, urine - these are all preeeetty gross in my eyes. They're also not gag worthy to me either. Honestly, I've just helped so many drunk friends that it just isn't able to phase me anymore. I think Mommas are the same in this accord(substitute drunk friend for child obvs ;) ).
The one bodily function that is hurl-worthy in my eyes - is phlegm. The very thought makes me gag. Every winter I get a cold that has this as a by-product and I'm perpetually struggling with nausea. I have actually thrown up from not being able to spit it out. Also why I started carrying handkerchiefs and sleep with a plastic trashcan by my bed.
We all do gross things. For some reason it's a taboo subject. Don't ask me why - it's not Biblical so I certainly thinks it's a crock of Baloney. I actually encourage my friends to cut-the-cheese in front of me. Why? Because that means they're comfortable enough with me to do so. If food doesn't agree with you - you're gonna have an issue with gas. Please don't ever think that I will call you Gross for it.
Calling someone Gross, or suggesting it in anyway should never be something people do without thought. It's not funny. And it can scar a person. I cringe every time I contract an illness because there's the ongoing joke of "You're sick? Ew! Don't get near me!" as if I concocted some evil plan to take over the world with the flu, starting with my friends. Dude - I'm already sick and miserable. For Fuck's Sake - don't rub it in.
And you don't know where different people are sensitive, particularly if you are so careless as to throw the word "Ew" around all will-nilly. I have a friend who is terrified of their own body odor. Showers constantly because they were "teased" about this. Dude - call it what it is. It's bullying. I don't care how "funny" you think it is, or the person your "teasing" seems to think it is. It's not kind and certainly not moral. I went a couple years with an inability to control my bowels in my twenties. It was Humiliating on a whole nother level. Thankfully that level of grossness is rarely teased on without it being blatantly bullying, but there are smaller issues.
How often do you shame someone for something they can't control? Or just as bad - you shame them for a choice they make - that God is ok with? Who are you to go against God?! Fool. People should be allowed to be Vegetarian without being Bullied. They should be allowed to not eat Gluten - or Eat Gluten. As a Christian you shouldn't be teasing people for they choices on things that God doesn't have an opinion on.
Or maybe you think he does in the diet area. Let's try something else - fashion. Some people do think God has an opinion on this, but lemme ask you - do you really think He cares that someone is wearing camo in church? Or does He care that they came? Are you really so blind that you think that He is so shallow to care if a boy has long hair or wears hott pink? Do you think God cares more that about whether someone wardrobe matches? Or whether their actions and words match their beliefs? Please try to understand that "funny" quips on someone's fashion sense is unkind and immoral. My personal sin in this area - is crocks. I have also done this with fanny packs, highwaters and capri pants. Yeah - the jokes are funny. But funny is not always moral. Often - it's the exact opposite.
And the Christian World is no different than the rest of the World in this, they've just already earned their way to Heaven by following God. They no longer need to worry about how cruel sarcasm is because it helps keep their little bubble world small and sin-free. Who knows who would come through the Church Doors if they started being Real?! If they thought about the ramifications of their words and actions through not only their own eyes but the eyes of others?! They might get smokers! Or people who curse! But oh dear - what if some flamboyant cross-dressers walked in the front door - where would the children go so they're not exposed to such outrageous sins?! Oh me Oh my - oh for Fuck's Sake. Grow Up. You are more dangerous to your children's sanity and sanctity than an Awesome lgbt person who is all about acceptance and love.
We make many choices that people will judge us for. Whether it's "teasing" or outright cruelty. I, myself - think cursing is fine, within certain parameters. And I admit that I struggle with looking down on others for not being able to be as Real as me. It's not easy and so I often think people are simply pussies for not daring to do something that scares me shitless. Same for physical pain - I struggle with rolling my eyes when someone shows me their cute little boo-boo that's half the size of the ones I acquire on a daily basis. We're all different. We all make different choices, have different strengths and weaknesses.
There's no reason to look down on another for being different, because we're also all the same. We're each fucked up sinners in need of God's Grace and Love. You may not agree with me in a lot of what I believe - but I pray that you will agree with me here. And if that is the case, I think we can respect each other's decisions enough to not be so unkind as to "tease" someone because they burped in public, eat food off the ground, are grammatically incorrect, wear crocks, drink caffeine at 10pm, etc. If you are truly concerned for a person's well being because of any of the above - talk to them, but don't crack jokes. I will no longer tolerate any such mean-spirited "jokes". I will call you out. It's not ok and it never was.
And yes - I know I'm the Ultimate Fuck Up. Don't tell me I'm pointing the finger at others to get it off my own heart. I have two fingers if you remember. And fyi - the one pointing at me is hella crueler than the one I point at others. But it rarely lets up on giving me a piece of it's mind. I don't actually get a break from conviction. It's a 24/7 roller coaster of "How did I screw up this time and what can I learn from it?" But that's enough negativity for now. And since I have this ridiculous passion for ending on a good note...
1:25 forward - her "Ugh Face" is Priceless :D
A Ramble on President Trump and the Generation Gap...Or is it?
My dad shared this article on the current political topic going around. I don't like politics. I like election years even less. I did vote. I did not vote for Trump. My reasons are larger than two horrible choices, and I won't go into them now. This writer has attempted to do something that many will turn their noses up at. Don't do that.
He attempted to bridge the generation gap. He attempted to explain why SO Many are FOR Trump. Including my beloved grandfather. I don't agree, but I have this thing for Empathy. This weird and Incredibly Rare thing to try and put myself in another person's shoes. It's not easy. You have to put all of your own beliefs asides while you do so. You have to transport yourself to see things from their perspective, leaving your own Completely. It's uncomfortable and Hard.
After an empathy exercise - you Of Course believe what you believe and see through your own lens of experiences again. But if you succeed in empathizing - you will be able to understand better why others are the way they are and believe how they believe. You won't be able to be unkind or unloving to someone when you've tried to imagine walking a mile in their shoes. And this is typically why people refuse to try. They want to hold onto their "Righteous Anger". They don't want to be kind or loving to someone as "Horrible" as Trump.
Seriously? Then stop reading. Because you are just as bad as him with his lewd and crude comments. I Most Definitely am. All of us are Shitty Excuses for God's orinigal work. We EACH have sin. So shut your pie hole with any "I'm better than him" Shit. If you don't understand that you're just as bad - you need to explore some major pride issues. Golly day - Pride really does baffle me. Like - I understand how people who don't believe in Christ could have it. But the fact that Christians - who have the Friggin Word of God as their guide could possible believe they are better than another for reasons SO Silly. Seriously?
The ONLY Reason your Worth Diddly SHIT is because Christ Chose YOU. Not the other way around. Golly Day. Without the Trinity coming after us for reasons I cannot for the LIFE of me Fathom - we would ALL be going to Hell. You're not better than Trump. You're not better than Hillary. You're not better than the girl showing off serious cleavage or the guy with a sleeve who chain-smokes. You're not better than those who curse. You're not better than those who watch porn - or Even Star in it! The McDonald's Employyee is your sinful Equal, even with your degree and you fancy knowledge from your privleged spot at a university.
If you still don't grasp that - you're unwilling to let God open your eyes to what sin is Blinding you too.
And I certainly cannot make you see what you are unwilling to see.
But if you want God to take your blinders off.
If you want to Understand.
I would suggest this Empathy thing I go on and on about.
Empathy is a Big Deal. One I've often hark on because it will expand your sight and understanding to encompass more than your eyes could Ever See on their own. If you don't want to - that's between you and God. But - reading this article - it was hard at times for me. My Grandparents' generation had Many Flaws that I do NOT want to encourage. It also had Many Strengths - Strengths that we are losing or have already lost in Today's World.
But the Worst Part, to my mind - is the #GenerationGap. I have many friends who are several generations older than I. They are Wonderful People - once you close that Gap. And you can then see that they are often, very lonely. Many times they hide this very clichely, with anger and griping - but if you try this thing called #Empathy - it's not hard to see why.
Try reading up on the Depression Era. World War II. Don't go text book style. Find stories that are REAL. Photos that portray the stark brutality of that era. Seeing where people come from can easily be the beginning to understanding why people are the way they are.
And then maybe we can be less bratty about our new president.
I have always believed in Respecting the Presidential Position, regardless of whether I voted for them or not. I mean - it's that, move or start a revolution. But griping and fuming solves nothing except upsetting yourself. I know this from experience. If you vote for a civil uprising - I'll consider your position, but for now - I'm going to keep trying to see why so many are excited about Trump's Election to Presidency. Even just this article has put some of the puzzle pieces I already had together. Maybe it will help you as well...
And if you're like me where Empathy has become a Passion that Enthralls you and you're constantly looking to why people are they way they are...you may have wondered why Dad and Grandpa are SO Big on Frugality. In their eyes(and mine now as well ;) t's silly to buy something when you can makeshift something from scraps around the house - or just borrow it from a neighbor. Here's a Blog/Podcast that explains this in a Fun Way through Some Depression Era Budgeting Tips:
"During the Great Depression people lived on extremely frugal budgets. My father was raised during the Great Depression and it shaped the way he brought us up and lives today. Learning from those who have lived through hard times and their lessons is important. I share his tips and how to create a Great Depression era pantry with frugal tips and recipes."
"When my mom was growing up sometimes they didn’t have groceries or food in the cupboard. I don’t mean not a lot, or just a little bit of food, but sometimes, nothing at all. Though my mother never remembers going hungry. My Grandmother did can Tarheel green beans, but they didn’t have a large garden beyond that living in town and the beans were sometimes eaten before the next harvest. Both sides of my family came from North Carolina and relied on the heirloom green beans we’ve saved and continue to grow and pass down to this day."
"During the Great Depression people learned to make do with very little. We are so spoiled today in our modern society. I’m grateful we don’t know those times, but we take so much for granted. I love having a more frugal mindset because it makes us appreciate what we have more.
It seems so many of us (myself included sometimes) have an air of ungratefulness, that we’re owed things. Instead of grumbling about things we don’t like, if we look for something to be thankful, we’re much better off. I’ve been reading One Thousand Gifts *affiliate link by Ann Voskamp, and I’m implementing finding things every day to be thankful
When you’re looking for things to be thankful for, it changes your emotion and mindset to that of grateful instead of grumpy and frustrated. Look for ways to thank God every day for little blessings in little moments. I think that is something those who went through the Great Depression learned."
~*~ <3 ~*~
In the end, this Post is NOT about Trump. It's not even about a Generational Gap. It's about God. It's about finding Him and the GoOD in EVERY Situation.
This is but a Moment in Time. These next four or even eight years are Temporal.
God is Eternal.
Do not put your stakes in what is here and now. On what is constantly changing. You must cling to He Who NEVER Changes. A Tale Older than Time. A Rock on which to stand during an Emotional Tempest. SomeONE Who will NEVER Fail you. Who will LOVE you UNCONDITIONALLY.
Do NOT put your Trust and Hope in an individual of this world. NO matter who that is - you are only setting yourself up for Failure. You cannot put your Hope in any man. Not your president, but neither your pastor, not your husband, not your dad or brother. They will all fail you. It's a by-product of sin. It Sucks. But it's apart of this Life.
One day we will be free from sin. This World will be free as well. I cannot convey how much I'm looking forward to the day I don't fuck up anymore. They day I don't screw people over by accident or on purpose. They day the Pain is Completely Eradicated from my soul. I do Pray that the End comes Swiftly. For the End is Really the Beginning. And I'm SO Friggin EXCITED!
But until then - I will follow God and ask for His Vision wherever I go. I want to see the World as He sees it. For it may be full of sin - but HE still Created it. You can find His Signature in EVERYthing.
No matter where you look - God is already there. He creates, He molds, He fixes what we break, He transforms what sin twists. He can and will make ALL things Beautiful. It is in this I find my reason for living. To see God Transform me, others and the World into the Most Beautiful Works of Art you could EVER Behold.
Can you just Imagine?!
WoW
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
When are we Worthy?
The answer?
Never
I was watching that Favorite Show of mine tonight...
There was a line that really resonated with me. A line I often think about.
"I wanna be the man your daughter deserves."
This idea - how often has it crossed my mind? The idea that we have to wait until we are Worthy. That we cannot follow God until we have reached a certain point in our maturity?
This is So Very, Very Wrong.
It is what kept me from God even when I no longer wanted to run from Him.
The idea that I had to be at a certain stage of life and understanding before I could approach Him.
When - in fact - we cannot reach any level of maturity without Him.
We are all Children of God and we are all Immature.
From Now until the day Christ comes back - this Aint gonna change.
As many tears as I've cried begging to be perfect and have all the answers now, it still won't change this Fact of Life.
While I'm not condoning any silly act based on my words - I think it's important to get priorities straight.
And Living Life - it's about Following God.
It's not about a 10 year plan involving a diploma or a job.
It's not about friends and family.
It's not about Happiness or Temporal Security.
We are here for God.
Him Alone.
Nothing else comes first.
And honestly. When that really sinks in.
Well.
Everything else just starts falling into place.
Spend less time worrying about Life going according to Plan.
Stop trying to Control Everything.
Don't worry about whether you're Ready or Not.
Why should you?
You're NEVER Gonna be Ready.
Nobody ever is.
You can feel like you are sometimes.
Just fyi - that's typically when God will throw you for a loop just to prove a point.
Cause Life is Hard and it's constantly changing.
One day you have a job - the next day you don't.
Or a Home.
Or a Family.
There's nothing you can't lose in this world...
Except He that is Eternal.
Do you see what I'm getting at?
Am I saying it right at all?
Stop trying to Prepare and Prove you're ready for something.
You're Not.
Someone wise once told me, "I'm just making this shit up as I go."
It's stuck with me.
Why?
Because it's how we need to live, in a way.
God will often throw curve balls to us.
He likes to keep us on our toes.
I mean - otherwise we'd forget Him quickly and find false idols for our sin-filled hearts to worship.
God knows this.
He accounts for it.
The Difficult Moments in Life that catch us by Surprise are Very Much a Blessing for this Just this Reason.
We are not perfect and we never will be.
We are not ready for Life or even God.
We never will be.
But that doesn't matter.
For God chooses us.
Not the other way around.
We have no control.
We have no ability to do the right thing on our own.
We cannot even Live on our own.
I do not think plans are bad, nor do I think making shit up on the fly is always good.
But from a person who needed everything Decided and Understood NOW -
I see the benefit of flexibility.
I see the Good that comes out of NOT Knowing what the Friggin Hey is going on.
Because God Knows All.
God Sees All.
God Understands All.
He's Omni
And we are His people.
It's not about having a plan.
It's not about being worthy or ready.
There is nothing to prepare you for much of what God has in store for you.
You would have to be Omni for any of that.
Are you?
Are you Omni?
Then Stop.
Granted - there's no Easy Button for this.
You can't really just - Stop.
So at least hear me as I say - if you're doing what I did...
If you're controlling your Life with an Iron Grip, what you're really doing...
Is Strangling it.
Ease up Thunder.
Let God do the planning.
The thinking.
The understanding.
Let God have control.
He's a lot better at steering the ship.
I mean - He is the Captain and all.
And while I will be the first to say this hella hard to do...
Living a Life with God in Control...
Well - you won't go Titanic like I did anyhoot :D
And even if you do - He's greater than any chunk of Ice.
He can save you.
He did me.
Even as I filled with water, broke in two and started dragging others into my agony...
He saved us all.
And because of this...
This and SO Much More...
I Trust Him
And that is where it begins.
No matter what your root sin is, whether it be Fear or Pride or something else entirely.
A Relationship with God is based on Trust through His Love.
If you don't Trust Him with your Life.
Well then - what do you think Christ died for anyways?
You don't trust God with something He's already Saved? For Eternity?
Huh
And this is also - Most Definitely NOT Something that has an Easy Button.
Trust
Oh Bother
To really get that one down - no amount of legalistic crap will help.
No formula - as friggin much as I'd love one.
You need Prayer.
Talk to HIM
Relationships need communication.
Particularly the ones that are in Trouble.
If you aren't communicating - you're already on your way out.
So talk to God.
And Listen for Him.
He's not as loud as us.
And He talks different.
I aint no prophet and if I heard the voice of God I would immediately admit myself back into Holly Hill.
But He definitely will talk to you through a variety of methods.
I mean - He's pretty much always talking.
It actually gets Obnoxious once you hear him.
Then you can't shut Him up even when you don't want His advice.
I know I know. I should like that He's a Busybody.
But I'm not Perfect and I'm not too proud to admit that He can piss me off with what He wants me to do.
Or what He doesn't want me to do.
Often!
And of course - I also really love Him for it.
So take a moment today.
Talk to God.
And then Listen.
Not with your ears - but with God's ears.
I've also been recently told that those times when you can almost hear something, something your ears have been straining for, but unable to quite grasp. When you quiet your head. Quiet your heart. When you let yourself just Listen without distraction - then the Volume increases - all on it's own.
This, I believe, is Exactly how it works with God also.
With all my Imperfect Love,
<3
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