Hey Everybody,
Have you ever tried to shove what
seems to be too many crayons into their box before? And they’re straining
against each other and stretching the box and they just don’t seem to want to
fit in any orderly fashion. It’s like the box is actually fighting you, bulging
and puffing up in anger. You, being the one with the brain, know the crayons
can all fit in the box (Let’s exclude those extra crayons you happen to have
lying around). So you rearrange. You take out the ones that fall to the bottom
and pull them back up. Your fingers are a bit forceful, but it’s alright, you’ve
had this box forever and you know it won’t break.
This is how I’ve felt since I
took my blinders off in 2013, when I recommitted my life to Christ. It’s not just that I see clearly. It’s like God
said, “I gave her all this experience and now I’m gonna interpret it for her.”
So these past 9 ½ year are being
digested for the first time quite rapidly, and like that crayon box,
occasionally I think I’m gonna just rip open or explode from the amount of raw
wisdom I’m acquiring and don’t quite know what to do with.
I can’t say I always apply it as
I should. There are many times I simply flick God off and scream “screw you!”
to the Heavens. Yes. I know. Not smart. Or wise for that matter. “When you saw
only one set of footprints it was then that I carried you…That long groove over
there is where I dragged you kicking and screaming…” That’s SO my life! My Mom
gave me the best compliment when she told me how spiritually mature she thought
I was because she said when bad stuff happens to me, I run towards God instead
of away from Him. I’m sorry Mom, I wish that was true. But no, more often than
I care to admit, I freak out and haul my butt onto the next bus out of town. I
know He’ll find me though, He always does.
I like to think I’ve gotten past
some of the temper tantrums though; that I’m no longer kicking and screaming.
But I know that’s probably not even the case. That has to do with this newfangled
sight I’ve been given. It’s always been there; since I became a Christian my
eyes were opened. But like I said, I’ve had blinders on. Let me explain. When I
became Bipolar and started fighting, well, everything, the only way I could do
that was to ignore everything I believed. To put my hand over my eyes and say
if I can’t see the difference between
right and wrong, then it doesn’t exist, yeah? False. Doesn’t work that way.
It causes a lot of heartache
though. When you constantly ignore your beliefs you forget things. Important things.
Basic theology. Bible verses. And I swear, someone’s rearranged the The New
Testament since I’ve seen it last. And
now that I’ve taken these blinders off God’s like, “Ok, you got a lot of
catching up to do Babe. Take off your going out boots, put on your glasses,
pull up a rug next to the fire and open to Romans…” (anywhere in Romans really,
I’m not picky).
I’ll tell you my most recent
nugget of wisdom. Crying. It’s not as evil as I thought it was. Ok, so maaaaybe
not new news to all of you. But I absolutely hate crying. Like, loathe. With a
vengeance. Despise, abhor, detest. Yeah, you get the picture. And I cry, like,
a lot. And frankly, I don’t care if you know I cry, but very few people will see my cry. THAT is a no-no in my book.
I think it’s a family trait. The not like people seeing me cry, not the crying
all the time.
Anyways, the thing is, because of
my Borderline, I feel things more deeply than the average person. Yes, this ties
into separation anxiety and unnatural attachments. It’s kinda scary how things
will be SO important to me because of these “overwhelming emotions” as the
doctors call them. For example, I’ve gotten hysterical before when my
girlfriends cancelled on me for a movie. It was ridiculous, but it wasn’t the
first time I’ve gotten hysterical over something like that, or the last time. I
was talking to my therapist a couple weeks ago and it hit me when he was
talking about these overwhelming emotions and how they come in out of nowhere
and hit you like a semi sometimes. Really, you can’t even breathe it hurts so
bad and you’re like, “Where the hell did that come from?” I looked at him and I
said, “It’s never gonna go away is it?” “No. It isn’t.”
You see, they always tell you the
bipolar has a chance of going away. That’s the mood swings. But the depth of feeling,
that’s Borderline and Borderline’s forever. We talked about one day getting off
the meds and just managing through DBT. I’ve never thought before that’s
something that’d ever be possible and it’s certainly not right now and I’m
definitely NOT suggesting it is for everyone, or even me to be honest. I
recently went off my meds and had a full blown manic attack, hallucinations,
delusions, spiritual revelations and all. But it wasn’t done correctly and I’d
like to see if, done carefully supervised and slowly, maybe in a year, if I could
survive these emotions with the tools God and my therapist are giving me.
And that’s a terrifying thought. Managing
these 18-wheeler collisions all by myself. But that’s the thing. I’m not all by
myself. I have my friends, my family and the Trinity. But if I do end up off my
meds, that probably means I’m gonna cry even
more than I do now and up until last week that was totally unacceptable.
But last week we had communion, and me, being this ridiculous mega feeler only
had to hear the words, “body broken for you” and look at the bread in my hands
and with my new eyes see Jesus on the cross and of course I burst into tears
every time. Like, every time. And usually I hate it. And last week I did hate
it. But then I stopped and with my newfound thinking I thought, “But you being you, Kt. Wouldn’t
you rather feel more than is normal, then less than is normal?” And I am a fan
of false dichotomies, but likened to that example, they can sometimes help.
I’m most definitely not a fan of
emotion. But I’ve also been numb in the past, with a heart made of ice that sat
in the freezer of my soul. And . That. Was. Horrible. Thawing it out was also a
very painful process. I just don’t want to hate a part of me that’s here
forever. One of the things I know about myself is I can see the good in people
and in many situations that not everyone can see. I don’t always do this with
myself. That’s more of an avalanche of wisdom I’m currently discussing with
people, why are we worth loving? On that note, I’ll take my leave. Thanks for
listening and have a great day.
Kt
