Fear

I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.

Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.

Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.

I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.

When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.

Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.

I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.

You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!

You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.

But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.

So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.

When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.

And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.

And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.

But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.

I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.

No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.

But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.

There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.

Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.

One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.

With all my Imperfect Love

A Ramble on Grossness & Bullies

If you are an Elite of Polite Society or if things gross you out easily - please steer clear of this odd rambling post...

I was thinking, I know it's a dangerous habit of mine -- and about gross things too nonetheless! Certainly not a topic for a lady to dwell on, much less talk or write about! And I'm about to do so - Oh My!!! That's alright - I've long since learned to ditch the stress and pain that comes from trying to fit in some Christian, societal mold that God was SO Not on Board with. So - Presenting a Woman of God's thoughts on Grossness:

We all have things that gross us out, and in general bodily functions gross most people out all around. At least, they'll say that. I'll be Real with you - I think earwax is Way Cool. Like, enthralling. As is pimple-popping. Yeah - I can hear the ews. I don't care. There's nothing immoral about liking earwax dude. It's not like I set up a shrine and worship it. So calm your tits.

But I don't think all gross things are cool. Vomit, blood, feces, urine - these are all preeeetty gross in my eyes. They're also not gag worthy to me either. Honestly, I've just helped so many drunk friends that it just isn't able to phase me anymore. I think Mommas are the same in this accord(substitute drunk friend for child obvs ;) ).

The one bodily function that is hurl-worthy in my eyes - is phlegm. The very thought makes me gag. Every winter I get a cold that has this as a by-product and I'm perpetually struggling with nausea. I have actually thrown up from not being able to spit it out. Also why I started carrying handkerchiefs and sleep with a plastic trashcan by my bed.

We all do gross things. For some reason it's a taboo subject. Don't ask me why - it's not Biblical so I certainly thinks it's a crock of Baloney. I actually encourage my friends to cut-the-cheese in front of me. Why? Because that means they're comfortable enough with me to do so. If food doesn't agree with you - you're gonna have an issue with gas. Please don't ever think that I will call you Gross for it.

Calling someone Gross, or suggesting it in anyway should never be something people do without thought. It's not funny. And it can scar a person. I cringe every time I contract an illness because there's the ongoing joke of "You're sick? Ew! Don't get near me!" as if I concocted some evil plan to take over the world with the flu, starting with my friends. Dude - I'm already sick and miserable. For Fuck's Sake - don't rub it in.

And you don't know where different people are sensitive, particularly if you are so careless as to throw the word "Ew" around all will-nilly. I have a friend who is terrified of their own body odor. Showers constantly because they were "teased" about this. Dude - call it what it is. It's bullying. I don't care how "funny" you think it is, or the person your "teasing" seems to think it is. It's not kind and certainly not moral. I went a couple years with an inability to control my bowels in my twenties. It was Humiliating on a whole nother level. Thankfully that level of grossness is rarely teased on without it being blatantly bullying, but there are smaller issues.

How often do you shame someone for something they can't control? Or just as bad - you shame them for a choice they make - that God is ok with? Who are you to go against God?! Fool. People should be allowed to be Vegetarian without being Bullied. They should be allowed to not eat Gluten - or Eat Gluten. As a Christian you shouldn't be teasing people for they choices on things that God doesn't have an opinion on.

Or maybe you think he does in the diet area. Let's try something else - fashion. Some people do think God has an opinion on this, but lemme ask you - do you really think He cares that someone is wearing camo in church? Or does He care that they came? Are you really so blind that you think that He is so shallow to care  if a boy has long hair or wears hott pink? Do you think God cares more that about whether someone wardrobe matches? Or whether their actions and words match their beliefs? Please try to understand that "funny" quips on someone's fashion sense is unkind and immoral. My personal sin in this area - is crocks. I have also done this with fanny packs, highwaters and capri pants. Yeah - the jokes are funny. But funny is not always moral. Often - it's the exact opposite.

And the Christian World is no different than the rest of the World in this, they've just already earned their way to Heaven by following God. They no longer need to worry about how cruel sarcasm is because it helps keep their little bubble world small and sin-free. Who knows who would come through the Church Doors if they started being Real?! If they thought about the ramifications of their words and actions through not only their own eyes but the eyes of others?! They might get smokers! Or people who curse! But oh dear - what if some flamboyant cross-dressers walked in the front door - where would the children go so they're not exposed to such outrageous sins?! Oh me Oh my - oh for Fuck's Sake. Grow Up. You are more dangerous to your children's sanity and sanctity than an Awesome lgbt person who is all about acceptance and love.

We make many choices that people will judge us for. Whether it's "teasing" or outright cruelty. I, myself - think cursing is fine, within certain parameters. And I admit that I struggle with looking down on others for not being able to be as Real as me. It's not easy and so I often think people are simply pussies for not daring to do something that scares me shitless. Same for physical pain - I struggle with rolling my eyes when someone shows me their cute little boo-boo that's half the size of the ones I acquire on a daily basis. We're all different. We all make different choices, have different strengths and weaknesses.

There's no reason to look down on another for being different, because we're also all the same. We're each fucked up sinners in need of God's Grace and Love. You may not agree with me in a lot of what I believe - but I pray that you will agree with me here. And if that is the case, I think we can respect each other's decisions enough to not be so unkind as to "tease" someone because they burped in public, eat food off the ground, are grammatically incorrect, wear crocks, drink caffeine at 10pm, etc. If you are truly concerned for a person's well being because of any of the above - talk to them, but don't crack jokes. I will no longer tolerate any such mean-spirited "jokes". I will call you out. It's not ok and it never was.

And yes - I know I'm the Ultimate Fuck Up. Don't tell me I'm pointing the finger at others to get it off my own heart. I have two fingers if you remember. And fyi - the one pointing at me is hella crueler than the one I point at others. But it rarely lets up on giving me a piece of it's mind. I don't actually get a break from conviction. It's a 24/7 roller coaster of "How did I screw up this time and what can I learn from it?" But that's enough negativity for now. And since I have this ridiculous passion for ending on a good note...

1:25 forward - her "Ugh Face" is Priceless :D

A Ramble on President Trump and the Generation Gap...Or is it?

My dad shared this article on the current political topic going around. I don't like politics. I like election years even less. I did vote. I did not vote for Trump. My reasons are larger than two horrible choices, and I won't go into them now. This writer has attempted to do something that many will turn their noses up at. Don't do that.

He attempted to bridge the generation gap. He attempted to explain why SO Many are FOR Trump. Including my beloved grandfather. I don't agree, but I have this thing for Empathy. This weird and Incredibly Rare thing to try and put myself in another person's shoes. It's not easy. You have to put all of your own beliefs asides while you do so. You have to transport yourself to see things from their perspective, leaving your own Completely. It's uncomfortable and Hard.

After an empathy exercise - you Of Course believe what you believe and see through your own lens of experiences again. But if you succeed in empathizing - you will be able to understand better why others are the way they are and believe how they believe. You won't be able to be unkind or unloving to someone when you've tried to imagine walking a mile in their shoes. And this is typically why people refuse to try. They want to hold onto their "Righteous Anger". They don't want to be kind or loving to someone as "Horrible" as Trump.

Seriously? Then stop reading. Because you are just as bad as him with his lewd and crude comments. I Most Definitely am. All of us are Shitty Excuses for God's orinigal work. We EACH have sin. So shut your pie hole with any "I'm better than him" Shit. If you don't understand that you're just as bad - you need to explore some major pride issues. Golly day - Pride really does baffle me. Like - I understand how people who don't believe in Christ could have it. But the fact that Christians - who have the Friggin Word of God as their guide could possible believe they are better than another for reasons SO Silly. Seriously?

The ONLY Reason your Worth Diddly SHIT is because Christ Chose YOU. Not the other way around. Golly Day. Without the Trinity coming after us for reasons I cannot for the LIFE of me Fathom - we would ALL be going to Hell. You're not better than Trump. You're not better than Hillary. You're not better than the girl showing off serious cleavage or the guy with a sleeve who chain-smokes. You're not better than those who curse. You're not better than those who watch porn - or Even Star in it! The McDonald's Employyee is your sinful Equal, even with your degree and you fancy knowledge from your privleged spot at a university.

If you still don't grasp that - you're unwilling to let God open your eyes to what sin is Blinding you too.

And I certainly cannot make you see what you are unwilling to see.

But if you want God to take your blinders off.

If you want to Understand.

I would suggest this Empathy thing I go on and on about.

Empathy is a Big Deal. One I've often hark on because it will expand your sight and understanding to encompass more than your eyes could Ever See on their own. If you don't want to - that's between you and God. But - reading this article - it was hard at times for me. My Grandparents' generation had Many Flaws that I do NOT want to encourage. It also had Many Strengths - Strengths that we are losing or have already lost in Today's World.

But the Worst Part, to my mind - is the #GenerationGap. I have many friends who are several generations older than I. They are Wonderful People - once you close that Gap. And you can then see that they are often, very lonely. Many times they hide this very clichely, with anger and griping - but if you try this thing called #Empathy - it's not hard to see why.

Try reading up on the Depression Era. World War II. Don't go text book style. Find stories that are REAL. Photos that portray the stark brutality of that era. Seeing where people come from can easily be the beginning to understanding why people are the way they are.

And then maybe we can be less bratty about our new president.

I have always believed in Respecting the Presidential Position, regardless of whether I voted for them or not. I mean - it's that, move or start a revolution. But griping and fuming solves nothing except upsetting yourself. I know this from experience. If you vote for a civil uprising - I'll consider your position, but for now - I'm going to keep trying to see why so many are excited about Trump's Election to Presidency. Even just this article has put some of the puzzle pieces I already had together. Maybe it will help you as well...

What So Many Don't Get about the U.S. Working Middle Class

And if you're like me where Empathy has become a Passion that Enthralls you and you're constantly looking to why people are they way they are...you may have wondered why Dad and Grandpa are SO Big on Frugality. In their eyes(and mine now as well ;) t's silly to buy something when you can makeshift something from scraps around the house - or just borrow it from a neighbor. Here's a Blog/Podcast that explains this in a Fun Way through Some Depression Era Budgeting Tips:

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-building-great-depression-era-pantry/

"During the Great Depression people lived on extremely frugal budgets. My father was raised during the Great Depression and it shaped the way he brought us up and lives today. Learning from those who have lived through hard times and their lessons is important. I share his tips and how to create a Great Depression era pantry with frugal tips and recipes."

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-44-depression-era-tips-stretch-food-budget/

"When my mom was growing up sometimes they didn’t have groceries or food in the cupboard. I don’t mean not a lot, or just a little bit of food, but sometimes, nothing at all. Though my mother never remembers going hungry. My Grandmother did can Tarheel green beans, but they didn’t have a large garden beyond that living in town and the beans were sometimes eaten before the next harvest. Both sides of my family came from North Carolina and relied on the heirloom green beans we’ve saved and continue to grow and pass down to this day."

http://melissaknorris.com/podcast-40-8-depression-era-tips-savemoneynow/

"During the Great Depression people learned to make do with very little. We are so spoiled today in our modern society. I’m grateful we don’t know those times, but we take so much for granted. I love having a more frugal mindset because it makes us appreciate what we have more.

It seems so many of us (myself included sometimes) have an air of ungratefulness, that we’re owed things. Instead of grumbling about things we don’t like, if we look for something to be thankful, we’re much better off. I’ve been reading One Thousand Gifts *affiliate link by Ann Voskamp, and I’m implementing finding things every day to be thankful

When you’re looking for things to be thankful for, it changes your emotion and mindset to that of grateful instead of grumpy and frustrated. Look for ways to thank God every day for little blessings in little moments. I think that is something those who went through the Great Depression learned."

~*~ <3 ~*~

In the end, this Post is NOT about Trump. It's not even about a Generational Gap. It's about God. It's about finding Him and the GoOD in EVERY Situation.

This is but a Moment in Time. These next four or even eight years are Temporal.

God is Eternal.

Do not put your stakes in what is here and now. On what is constantly changing. You must cling to He Who NEVER Changes. A Tale Older than Time. A Rock on which to stand during an Emotional Tempest. SomeONE Who will NEVER Fail you. Who will LOVE you UNCONDITIONALLY.

Do NOT put your Trust and Hope in an individual of this world. NO matter who that is - you are only setting yourself up for Failure. You cannot put your Hope in any man. Not your president, but neither your pastor, not your husband, not your dad or brother. They will all fail you. It's a by-product of sin. It Sucks. But it's apart of this Life.

One day we will be free from sin. This World will be free as well. I cannot convey how much I'm looking forward to the day I don't fuck up anymore. They day I don't screw people over by accident or on purpose. They day the Pain is Completely Eradicated from my soul. I do Pray that the End comes Swiftly. For the End is Really the Beginning. And I'm SO Friggin EXCITED!

But until then - I will follow God and ask for His Vision wherever I go. I want to see the World as He sees it. For it may be full of sin - but HE still Created it. You can find His Signature in EVERYthing.

No matter where you look - God is already there. He creates, He molds, He fixes what we break, He transforms what sin twists. He can and will make ALL things Beautiful. It is in this I find my reason for living. To see God Transform me, others and the World into the Most Beautiful Works of Art you could EVER Behold.

Can you just Imagine?!

WoW