White Lie Innocence

I hope people are aware that protecting someone's feelings is often an excuse to protect yourself from the Pain you would cause by whatever it is you have hidden. It's a Coward's Move. One that breaks Trust and can create a whole slew of problems.

I know for a fact that I am not the only one who can forgive others for Pain. Easily in fact at this point. Breaking Trust however? That's not an offense that is simply Forgivable. It is something that although easily broken, is a bitch to earn back.

Do not hide shit from me that would hurt me. Do not hide shit like that from others. If you do - it's simple. We cannot be more than shallow friends, if that. And the first lie out of your mouth to me? I told you I forgive easily. But I do not Trust easily. For fucking valid reasons.

Gaining my Trust is Hard and I do no fault people for not caring to do so. Losing it is not easy either, for it is so Hard Won. But you like to me? You hide shit from me because you don't have the balls to cop up to something you have said or done?

No. You don't get the luxury of Trust. Ask yourself why you were hiding it from me in the first place. Seeing as I forgive so easily - you should think twice about your heart attitude.

And don't you dare suggest I exaggerate about forgiving easily. I wrote a post recently about the man who broke my heart, shattered me to wear I was curled on the floor among glass that conveyed my heart so perfectly.

But guess what? He was straight up with me. He told me he loved someone else. He didn't hide it from me. He didn't cheat on me. And when he left me to find she didn't give a rat's ass about him - he knew he didn't deserve me back - but ai didn't hesitate. I was back in his arms that night.

And that girl who got between us simply because she couldn't stand that he wanted someone else even though she didn't want him? She stayed in our lives. I told him he didn't have to give up his friend - even those gh he was willing to!

Why? Because I never had reasons to doubt him! He was solid through an through! He didn't lose my trust! He was straight up with me and that will always mean SO Much more to me than any other strength in a person!

Maybe I shouldn't let people hurt me without consequences at all. But I don't have qualms about forgiving others. And so next time you consider a white like to protect someone - remember that is all it takes to have access to another's heart revoked.

White lies are NOT Innocent!!! And they are NOT Ok.

Anything can be forgiven, but the consequences for mistrust are severe. If you don't understand why - go talk to a shrink because I don't have time for your naivety and ignorance tonight. Not tonight.

I need to talk to God. I suggest you all do the same - for we should be - each and every fucking moment of every fucking day.

Oh God help me with this Life.

Maturity at 30

So. I'm turning 30 this year. Just next month! I'm Super Stoked. Like seriously. I am not one of those people that doesn't want to grow up. I always say I'd rather be old and wise than young and stupid.

I love my laugh lines(aka Crow's feet) and I love my new streaks of grey hair. Marks of honor. I don't love the body pains that are really starting g to accumulate - but in my eyes it's Totally Worth It.

30 years of Life dude! I've survived SO Much and I'm Living now - Stronger than Ever Before!!!

Hahaha - I cannot tell you how many funny looks I've gotten when people hear my age. The majority of people I meet barely believe I'm legal and apparently many of those in my life had no idea I was in my very, very late 20s ;)

It doesn't surprise me anymore, although it can still offend me. Getting mistaken for a stereotypically immature teenager or college kid is never going to be a compliment in my eyes. But I do understand why this is.

For one, my grey blends in with my blonde streaks. Two, my laugh lines are often obscured by my glasses. Three, I dress in a variety of ways, but my favorites are not "age appropriate". Lastly, I know my actions rarely seem to back up my years. And I finally figured out way.

I've been labeled, quite kindly as "free-spirited". I love this in all honesty. However, it often marks a girl as without responsibility, as well as an easy mark for guys who want some. This combined with an even bigger factor tends to give people permission to act condescending and patronizing towards me.

See, if you've been following my blog, or my life at all - you'll know that I've been through some of the worst life can offer a girl. Life has not been kind to me and I have tried my best to leave the world. I have seen things no young woman should have to see and been forced to understand Life's shitty realities at a very early stage of life. I have spent a good portion of my years just surviving this world and all the FuckedUp Sin in it. But it's WorthIt now.

Life. Is WorthIt.

And this greatly impacts the way I see the world and approach others. It greatly impacts the way I LIVE.

People often have a hard time believing I'm 29 when they see me heading down a slip-n-slide with the youth group kids. They rarely understand I'm an adult when I spin in circles with elementary schoolers. How can I be responsible when I giggle like a school girl to dad jokes and puns? How can they take me seriously when my enthusiasm for birthday is Totally over the top?

I have been through a living hell. I have had my heart and mind shattered over and over and over again. I am still Broken. But I am God's Broken Vessel. And He can use Brokenness for His Glory in Such Wonderful ways!!! I am proud of this. I am proud to be HIS.

And this Brokenness? It allows me to see things differently. It forces me to retain my Child-like Wonder of the World. For without these innocent moments, without silliness, I could not handle the rest. God gives His Strength to survive the Brokenness of my Life that He uses for His Glorious Purpose. And He often does this in the form of being absolutely ridiculous.

I am older than I look. I am older than even those my age. I had no choice in the ways I had to Grow. Death was not given to me. I am here and so I follow He who earned my Trust, my loyalty, my Love and my Life. He didn't need to earn them, but He did. He is so very kind and patient with me. I know I do not deserve Him.

Grace is a Fucking Amazing thing though. He Loves me, cherishes me, He sees what I do not, He knows what I cannot - and in Following Him -- I am learning how to Truly LIVE. I am learning that #Adulting has no formula. Maturity has no rules...except God's rules.

My maturity involves Snapchat filters. It includes making funny faces. It means I may pull pranks or leave baby rattlers outside Wendy's for not substantial reason.

My maturity also means helping others at the expense of my own comfort. It means being kind at the expense of my time and energy. It means having patience and empathy. It means refusing to settle for the surface of who a person is, but wanting to know what makes them tick. Particularly when it is a person I dislike. It means loving others regardless of whether they love me back or are even kind. Honestly, my maturity means loving others when they are cruel. It means figuring out why they are cruel to better love them, without any help or encouragement on their part. It also means using healthy boundaries when doing this. It means knowing when to say "No." It occasionally means letting myself, not only be angry - but to confront another with their unkindness. It also means forgiving someone without being asked.

Maturity is a versatile thing. We all have our own, unique Strengths and weaknesses. Each if us are persons with many facets. We are God's prism and shine Him through in a variety of Beautiful ways. Never forget that to Follow Christ - does not mean becoming a Bible-toting, cardigan-wearing Christian. Being a Christian means that you are Following Christ.

So do NOT make the mistake of blending in! We may all be sheep who have gone astray - but we are a multi-colored flock. A rainbow herd. And even when we are each made pure as snow by the sacrifice of Christ - I have little doubt we will each be our very own snowflake. Beautiful and Completely Unique. Sinless, Pure, Perfect and every one different from the next.

Embrace Christ and Embrace how God made you, you. Each of us Wonderfully Made. And for me at least, Wonderfully made includes chicken fighting in the pool with my baby brother ;)

Change & Forgiveness

I was in an Incredibly Unhealthy Relationship in my early twenties. But I kept hope....hope for us to fix what was Broken. I was constantly told - you cannot change him. On the one hand, this is Totally Accurate. But when sin entered the world - so too did complexities.

We cannot change anyone. It's true. We cannot fix anyone. I could not fix that boy, as my parents could not fix me. Only God is the Healer of Brokenness. And often in very unexpected ways.

However, God does use people in His Master Plan for His Glorious Purpose. And it is a Beautiful Thing indeed to inspire someone to Follow after God. It is a Marvelous ability to be a Guru for Change.

I am SO Thankful for how many of these people God has gifted me with in recent years. For one in particular whom God was very sneaky in using to bring me back to Him. That man inspired Trust in my Lord when I had none. I would not be truly Living without him and all the other amazing people God placed in my life. God sent them to do His Work and I never ceased to be Amazed at the lengths He went through, to woo me.

I pray to be this for others. A Life Goal of mine is to shine God's Grace through my own Brokenness. For the Power of His Love brightly reveals itself when healing shattered souls. My Pain is ever-present. Let it be used for Good.

We cannot change others, but we can Encourage and Inspire it. And even though Change is Hard - it is SO WorthIt. For it is Change that brings us closer to God. A special kind of Change those fancy people like to call "Sanctification".

A relationship that does not inspire this type of change within the other AND vice versa - is unable to be a close, healthy relationship. No matter the type. We are to help each other to the Cross. A pilgrim's progress of sinners wanting more. Moving ever forward, resting at times, making mistakes and even digressing, but always continuing onward towards God.

No matter the subject, the root is always God. The need to Follow Him above all else should be present in every moment of every day. Through thick and thin - we Follow Him. Even if that means being angry at your best friend. Even if that means taking space from your husband. Even if that means Forgiveness for the ever-present sin in each and every one of us.

And Even if that means forgiving our very selves. Especially that, knowing those in my life. We screw up. All of us. But God's Love & Justice make Forgiveness Possible. Don't ever forget that. Forgive others and Forgive yourself. At least, that's what I'm telling myself this stormy evening.

Help me Lord?

I have found that there are SO Many Strengths that come from being Completely Broken before God. But that doesn't make the Hard parts easier. It just makes them WorthIt. Being Broken. I'm always fragile. My heart and mind are so easily shattered it's Absolutely Terrifying to Live. I never know who or what will cause me to crumble into Pain. I can never brace well enough, because that would mean locking everyone out of my life and barring the door against the world. Then when that fails - attempting to leave it. And God already Vehemently denied me this. So I walk around, trying to Trust, attempting this Feeling shit - Knowing that every day this will bring me Pain that I cannot handle. For God does not save us from Pain. He simply makes it WorthIt. So I Live, not by avoiding Bing Broken, but by trusting God that when my heart breaks and when my mind shatters - that He will repair me once again. And He will. Every Time. He is my God, Who Loves me with a passion and a Grace that only God can. I am SO Beyond Thankful that I am His and He is mine. I cannot convey the depths of my Gratitude. Thank You Thank You Thank You my Lord.

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From the depths of woe I raise to Thee
The voice of lamentation;
Lord, turn a gracious ear to me
And hear my supplication;
If Thou iniquities dost mark,
Our secret sins and misdeeds dark,

O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)
O who shall stand before Thee?(Who shall stand before Thee?)

2. To wash away the crimson stain,
Grace, grace alone availeth;
Our works, alas! Are all in vain;
In much the best life faileth;
No man can glory in Thy sight,
All must alike confess Thy might,

And live alone by mercy(Live alone by mercy)
And live alone by mercy(Live alone by mercy)

3. Therefore my trust is in the Lord,
And not in mine own merit;
On Him my soul shall rest, His word
Upholds my fainting spirit;
His promised mercy is my fort,
My comfort and my sweet support;

I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)
I wait for it with patience(Wait for it with patience)

4. What though I wait the live-long night,
And ’til the dawn appeareth,
My heart still trusteth in His might;
It doubteth not nor feareth;
Do thus, O ye of Israel’s seed,
Ye of the Spirit born indeed;

And wait ’til God appeareth(Wait ’til God appeareth)
And wait ’til God appeareth(Wait ’til God appeareth)

5. Though great our sins and sore our woes
His grace much more aboundeth;
His helping love no limit knows,
Our upmost need it soundeth.
Our Shepherd good and true is He,
Who will at last His Israel free

From all their sin and sorrow(All their sin and sorrow)
From all their sin and sorrow(All their sin and sorrow)

~Indelible Grace

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