It's become a thing - Awareness. Not that this hasn't always been an important concept. But now we have months that remind us to think about things we often don't. Or more often - would rather not.
I have seen a great many of wonderful and intense suicide awareness posts due to this radical trend. I say radical - because I think the change it inspires is just so. Like the #MeToo movement - it lets people know they aren't alone.
Loneliness is one of the scariest things in existence. Possibly the most terrifying at all, if you think about it. To have no friends, no family, no pets, no God - no one to love and show you love. I'm quite certain that nothing would be worse than to be completely alone. Maybe that's what hell is - the absence of God and everything He is about. Left all to yourself and your own brokenness. Wow. Too dark.
So that's a big part of awareness. It's empathy. It's connecting with others and learning how to know them and love them well. It's letting them know they have you. It's letting God use you to further Grace. Because ultimately - we all want to be loved, not only despite our bad qualities, but also as those broken by life.
Feeling like damaged goods can really take a toll on a person. Feeling dirty or too messed up to have any kind of relationships, be them romantic or platonic. It's incredibly helpful to have people reassure you that you're WorthIt. That you're strong in the face of tragedy. No one wants to be a "pity friend", but to have friends that truly see your struggles and decide you are amazing despite them, or even because of how far you've come in overcoming them -- that is of great value to anybody.
I've never enjoyed having friends who simply wanted to "help" me. It just made me feel more broken; and "less than". It enabled the Worthless identity I struggled to change. I cannot tell you how long I believed I was "the worst person in the room." I knew it, I admitted it, but it took years for me to learn to change that perception. I am not worthless, I am not "less than" other Christian women because of my differences. I am God's broken tool - and I am the most valuable thing in existence. Along with the rest of His beloveds :) Cause God's Love is perfect, unlike ours. So contradictions make sense with Him :D
Anyways - that being said. For those of you who I have met during recent times, when I have been quiet about my past -- my struggles of Worthlessness have culminated in multiple suicide attempts. Four I think in all, from age 18 - 26. Also countless psych ward stays when I knew my wish for death was getting too strong. That's all I wanted for those 8 years. I didn't want to be here. It hurt too much and I didn't have anyone who could help me learn how to cope. There wasn't help then. And there wasn't awareness. I didn't even know I was hurting most of the time. I just went from one fix to the next, constantly numbing the black hole ever growing inside me.
Most Christians told me to pray harder. One told me God wouldn't listen because of the life I led. I stopped praying then. I ran from Him. I saw a God who was doing this to me so I would grow. He was not a kind God in my eyes. I was hurt and scared of the God I saw at church.
But that's the thing. The God many portray was not the God I know now. He's a God who is beyond kind. He did not cause my Pain, it was a result of a Broken World. But He did take my Pain and transformed it to that which is Beautiful beyond words. He took years to earn my trust, which is not something I have ever earned or deserved. But He did it, because of Love and Grace. He took my Worthlessness and turned it into Value. He took my desire for death and gave me a desire to serve in this life.
I love Him. For all this and more. I am not who I once was. I am more. Because of HIM.
For all those who have lost someone - I am truly sorry. I don't know why God chose to keep me here, when He brought so many others Home. Although I have cursed Him for it far too many times and begged Him to change His mind even more. But I no longer seek death. And I hope any who still do have felt encouraged during this time of Awareness.
You are not alone. Even when you are. You may not have friends or family at the moment. But you have a God that loves you - even when you curse His name. And I cling to that - Every. Single. Day.
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