When are we Worthy?

The answer?

Never

I was watching that Favorite Show of mine tonight...

There was a line that really resonated with me. A line I often think about.

"I wanna be the man your daughter deserves."

This idea - how often has it crossed my mind? The idea that we have to wait until we are Worthy. That we cannot follow God until we have reached a certain point in our maturity?

This is So Very, Very Wrong.

It is what kept me from God even when I no longer wanted to run from Him.

The idea that I had to be at a certain stage of life and understanding before I could approach Him.

When - in fact - we cannot reach any level of maturity without Him.

We are all Children of God and we are all Immature.

From Now until the day Christ comes back - this Aint gonna change.

As many tears as I've cried begging to be perfect and have all the answers now, it still won't change this Fact of Life.

While I'm not condoning any silly act based on my words - I think it's important to get priorities straight.

And Living Life - it's about Following God.

It's not about a 10 year plan involving a diploma or a job.

It's not about friends and family.

It's not about Happiness or Temporal Security.

We are here for God.

Him Alone.

Nothing else comes first.

And honestly. When that really sinks in.

Well.

Everything else just starts falling into place.

Spend less time worrying about Life going according to Plan.

Stop trying to Control Everything.

Don't worry about whether you're Ready or Not.

Why should you?

You're NEVER Gonna be Ready.

Nobody ever is.

You can feel like you are sometimes.

Just fyi - that's typically when God will throw you for a loop just to prove a point.

Cause Life is Hard and it's constantly changing.

One day you have a job - the next day you don't.

Or a Home.

Or a Family.

There's nothing you can't lose in this world...

Except He that is Eternal.

Do you see what I'm getting at?

Am I saying it right at all?

Stop trying to Prepare and Prove you're ready for something.

You're Not.

Someone wise once told me, "I'm just making this shit up as I go."

It's stuck with me.

Why?

Because it's how we need to live, in a way.

God will often throw curve balls to us.

He likes to keep us on our toes.

I mean - otherwise we'd forget Him quickly and find false idols for our sin-filled hearts to worship.

God knows this.

He accounts for it.

The Difficult Moments in Life that catch us by Surprise are Very Much a Blessing for this Just this Reason.

We are not perfect and we never will be.

We are not ready for Life or even God.

We never will be.

But that doesn't matter.

For God chooses us.

Not the other way around.

We have no control.

We have no ability to do the right thing on our own.

We cannot even Live on our own.

I do not think plans are bad, nor do I think making shit up on the fly is always good.

But from a person who needed everything Decided and Understood NOW -

I see the benefit of flexibility.

I see the Good that comes out of NOT Knowing what the Friggin Hey is going on.

Because God Knows All.

God Sees All.

God Understands All.

He's Omni

And we are His people.

It's not about having a plan.

It's not about being worthy or ready.

There is nothing to prepare you for much of what God has in store for you.

You would have to be Omni for any of that.

Are you?

Are you Omni?

Then Stop.

Granted - there's no Easy Button for this.

You can't really just - Stop.

So at least hear me as I say - if you're doing what I did...

If you're controlling your Life with an Iron Grip, what you're really doing...

Is Strangling it.

Ease up Thunder.

Let God do the planning.

The thinking.

The understanding.

Let God have control.

He's a lot better at steering the ship.

I mean - He is the Captain and all.

And while I will be the first to say this hella hard to do...

Living a Life with God in Control...

Well - you won't go Titanic like I did anyhoot :D

And even if you do - He's greater than any chunk of Ice.

He can save you.

He did me.

Even as I filled with water, broke in two and started dragging others into my agony...

He saved us all.

And because of this...

This and SO Much More...

I Trust Him

And that is where it begins.

No matter what your root sin is, whether it be Fear or Pride or something else entirely.

A Relationship with God is based on Trust through His Love.

If you don't Trust Him with your Life.

Well then - what do you think Christ died for anyways?

You don't trust God with something He's already Saved? For Eternity?

Huh

And this is also - Most Definitely NOT Something that has an Easy Button.

Trust

Oh Bother

To really get that one down - no amount of legalistic crap will help.

No formula - as friggin much as I'd love one.

You need Prayer.

Talk to HIM

Relationships need communication.

Particularly the ones that are in Trouble.

If you aren't communicating - you're already on your way out.

So talk to God.

And Listen for Him.

He's not as loud as us.

And He talks different.

I aint no prophet and if I heard the voice of God I would immediately admit myself back into Holly Hill.

But He definitely will talk to you through a variety of methods.

I mean - He's pretty much always talking.

It actually gets Obnoxious once you hear him.

Then you can't shut Him up even when you don't want His advice.

I know I know. I should like that He's a Busybody.

But I'm not Perfect and I'm not too proud to admit that He can piss me off with what He wants me to do.

Or what He doesn't want me to do.

Often!

And of course - I also really love Him for it.

So take a moment today.

Talk to God.

And then Listen.

Not with your ears - but with God's ears.

I've also been recently told that those times when you can almost hear something, something your ears have been straining for, but unable to quite grasp. When you quiet your head. Quiet your heart. When you let yourself just Listen without distraction - then the Volume increases - all on it's own.

This, I believe, is Exactly how it works with God also.

With all my Imperfect Love,

<3

We're Not So Different...You and I

I've never really understood why people either cannot or will not understand my Pain. But lately, I've had some idea. I still don't have the whole picture formed, but this is going to be me writing - trying to get some of these puzzle pieces to fit together. People have proven time and time again that while I may be important to them, my Pain is not. This I've always understood. People cannot understand my Pain and so they brush it off as not Real. The believe me to be exaggerating, a drama queen, or an attention whore. If you think any of those things about me - you obviously don't know me well and you will also never be a trusted friend of mine. I may try to trust you - but I will never succeed.

I will no longer let others convince me my Pain is not Real. That it does not hurt. And I did, for an Incredibly Long time. I believed I was all those things people said about me and it sucks to believe things that aren't - true. I mean, how can you fix something, if what you're trying to fix, isn't what is Broken? For years and years I tried to "fix" things...that were never the problem to begin with. I tried to believe I was normal - I'm not. I tried to believe I was Fine - I'm not. I tried to suck it up - I can't. I tried to pray so God will just magically take the Pain away without learning anything - News Flash -- He didn't. And I'm glad. I might Hate the Pain - but I'm wiser knowing why it's there and not having it go away before I figured out the root issues behind it. I'm better off following God, Growing and Sanctifying even though it hurts like a Bitch, then having Him just transport me to the final destination.

I dislike admitting this - but I'm grateful for the Pain. I'm even more Grateful for the time, safety and security of where I am right now - to be able to find the source and use God and the Strength He gifts me - to eliminate it. I've never been in a place in life, with the resources to do this. Many people don't understand all that therapy entails. It is Amazing(with the right professional) and it's also Fucking Hard. Therapy involves bringing the Pain to the surface. It involves finding the root issues and shitty as it is, in order to do that, you have to be willing to withstand the Pain that is associated.

The more the Pain - the harder this is to do. It's basically going into an ancient Roman battle every week - without armor, and just hoping you don't get any mortal wounds that will have you out for more than a day or two. And I usually am. I try not to schedule things on therapy days anymore. I never know whether I will be able to handle anything at all afterwards, much less interactions with others. What's worse is that now that I'm actually working hard at my therapy and fixing root issues - this is a regular thing in my life - having Pain. It didn't used to be. I had coping methods that were Fucking Fantastic at hiding the Pain, not only from others -- but from myself as well. I could bury it deep with some Incredibly UnHealthy Coping Skills. Skills I no longer allow myself.

And so, for a long time - the question of why people don't understand my Pain didn't bother me. They didn't need to, they didn't even need to know about it. But these days - I don't get a choice. My therapy doesn't allow me to hide the Pain. It doesn't allow me to bury it. I have to Feel. And. It. SUCKS. I hate feeling. I hate the Pain. I hate the judgmental looks. And I absolutely hate that people just brush it off. Like, because I hurt so often, it cannot hurt that bad. I mean - if it did - I would be in the hospital regularly. Umm...Wake Up Child. I WAS. Remember? It always hurt you Fool. I just buried it deep until it Burst like a Volcano. And so I was in the hospital regularly. And I'm not now. Why is that? I suspect it has something to do with letting it drain slowly. It still hurts like a MoFo, but I'm stronger than I knew. Particularly since I have God's Strength now.

I also am smart enough to understand the hospital can't help me. Not anymore. And that's really it actually. The Pain is far worse than it ever was before I started draining it, but I would rather curl up in a ball and silently scream in my room for a day and a half, then go to a hospital. Why? Because they can't help me. I'm getting the help I need and this is part of that. What is a professional going to do? Just sit there and watch? Um. NO Thank you. And it's not 24/7 peeps. Not often anymore. I have learned healthy techniques, for if I have to do it for more than a day - I start losing my mind. Distraction is key. It's not about shoving the Pain back down, where it will only grow exponentially - it's about being able to put it aside for a while, distract just long enough to Breathe and Brace before you let it come back.

And have you ever considered that I do that? Friends of mine - do you realize that I actively allow the Pain to come? Have you understood that I can bury it, that I can choose not to feel it? Do you really and truly understand that I have that capability and deny myself it? I do this because that's now how I will heal. I do this because God has given me Bravery when I am an Utter Coward. I willingly allow the Pain because I choose to follow God and He insists. I Trust Him and He has proven that He is Trustworthy, despite not needing to do this. He has proven He will help me handle the Pain - when I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I cannot.

The Pain is Real. I still have a hard time comprehending how people don't believe this. How they can brush it off like it doesn't matter? And I realize that I've thought of many people as pussies in tattoo parlors. Big Biker Men have screamed when getting their tattoos done. It's never hurt me enough to do more than wince. But that doesn't mean it didn't hurt them. For a Bazillion of varieties of reasons - people feel different levels of Pain when delivered the same amount of "pressure". Whether physical or mental - this is True. I often think men are babies when it comes to Pain. Oh - your balls just got tapped? You poor thing - why do you take my cramps once a month and get back to me on that? But in reality - we're all hurting and this isn't a competition.

We need to stop judging each other based on our own experiences of Pain. And we really need to stop bullying each other about it. Yes. I will not use the word teasing. It's not nice - it's not kind - and it in no way brings Glory to God. I include myself in this admonition. It is alright to hurt. It's alright to hurt and cry out. It's alright to hurt and not cry out. Everybody is different. You have no right to judge them on something you cannot feel yourself.

And while I do grant that there are many drama queens and attention whores out there who exaggerate their own Pain - have you ever thought about why they do this? If you're answer is that they're Spoiled...then you are a FOOL. Go talk to God - because nothing I can say will sway you if you are that ignorant to the realities of this world. And maybe, if you stop blinding yourself to Truth - you will be able to look around you and SEE. You will see Pain in Everyone, Everywhere. People hurting at a variety levels and handling it in even more ways - rarely healthy ones. The human race was kicked out of Eden, filled with sin and all longing to be FREE of it. We long to Go Home. All of us. We just don't all know it yet.

So I hurt. You hurt. The stranger walking down the street hurts. And it all matters. Do not make my mistake of dismissing another person's pain so lightly, emotional or physical. Pain is Pain. There's nothing you can do to change that. Only He can. And He will. He is. In my life and in others. I will ask this of you. Whether or not you can empathize - pray on this blog post. Because I'm tired of my Pain being blown off and dismissed simply because you don't understand it, can't comprehend it, or refuse to believe it hurts. My Pain is just as valid as another's. But it has been very rare for me to enjoy friends who I know believe that. They are my miracles, whom I treasure for simply treating my Pain like it matters. For treating me - like I'm not worthless.

I realize God believes I'm valuable, but honestly - there are very few who I believe think the same. God and I have talked about it. I know that if I were to have no one at all who thought I was worth it. If I was back in the hell years with no one to believe I was worth anything more than a charity case friend - I would be alright. Because I have Him - and that is enough. I would hate it and I don't believe that is a realistic scenario anymore, but it is good to be prepared. Worse-case scenarios are difficult when I do that in-depth exercise. To truly think about how you would handle something like that - but I could and would turn to God. He is enough for me. But often I pray for more friends who believe I'm worth befriending, as different and as intense as I am.

And the Really Cool thing? He's been answering that prayer. When you give up an idol to God - you typically go without for a while. As a test to see for yourself that you can. And then it gets pretty awesome - because He gives back what you gave up, tenfold. No longer as an idol - but as a gift. Whether it's safety you idolize, happiness, security, control, friends - whatever you think you NEED. Whatever you would never give up if God asked you to. Whatever you value above God. Whatever you are unwilling to Trust Him with - Give it up. Eventually He will take it away anyways, so give it up now. And it will hurt. It will be scary. You will go without until you're truly ready to be entrusted with such a Gift again.

And all those things are Gifts. If you think you deserve the security your job provides, the safety of your children, the control of your possessions or even your own life? Oh dear Child of God - my heart goes out to you. From personal experience I can tell you that having your idols taken away when you refuse to Trust God - is The Worst. Don't make my mistake. Be Grateful for the Gifts God has given you and always remember that they are not yours. Nothing is. You've earned nothing but Hell. Christians, remind yourself daily that you still deserve Hell also. Becoming a Christian does not mean you deserve to go to Heaven. It means that God has saved us from it.

Often people get sucked into the idea that their conversion makes them better than others - that they are worth more now, as Christians. That is So Beyond Wrong it sickens me. You are Worth NOTHING. Not with sin still in your heart. We are no more than bloody rags. It is Christ who takes away our sin and restores the perfection we were designed for. We are valuable to God as He is outside of time, but we are not Valuable as we are now. When God shines through us you can see what we will become, but at the moment -- You and I are the exact same in what we deserve. As is the murderer on death row, the hooker hawking her wares, the preaching spewing lies and falsehoods, the man raping the child, should I continue?

We are all the same. We are all different. Life is a Complexity and being able to see those Complexities is Fucking Hard, but Hella Important. Neither is it fun. It is Good. But I would not say it is enjoyable. I do not find joy in writing these. I do not find comfort. I find Pain. I find the answers I seek. I share the answers I find. And above all - I try to Follow God and I Pray that He will use my Posts for His Glory. Even when I say things poorly and even when I can be cruel. He can untwist any kind of sin and so I pray He does so with every Post. That He will use my Words for Good and not let them be used for Evil. Even with a soul full of sin and evil spewing from my mouth. He can and does change that. He transforms my words as He transforms my soul. And for this my God - I thank You. With all my Imperfect Love - I thank You.

I Have a Confession

"Grow Up!!!"
How many times have I uttered this phrase in my Blog now?
No - don't tell me. I'm not really sure I actually want to know.

I stand by my words though. I really do look around this world in Absolute Shock and Horror at the ways "Christians" act these days in the name of God. It sickens me. My Blog was never begun as a way to post this, but it has steadily become that. And now I make a confession . While on the one hand - y'all need to Grow the Fuck Up.

However.
You also need a very important thing to do so.
Time

That and guidance, the right set of tools, opportunity and of course - Most Importantly - An Intense Relationship with God.

But ALL of this...takes Time.

And honestly - I forget that is what I needed also.

What I still Need.

It's true that - when I look at me - I still have an Incredibly Hard time seeing a Godly woman.

Often all I see is a young, stupid girl - a coward. And selfish above all else.

Despite the words of friends, family and even strangers - I still struggle with seeing, and most Definitely - Admitting any of my God-given Strengths and Talents.

And while it may only be an excuse - it may help that this is why I often get SO Frustrated with the Christian Community - with The Church.

I see people who have had their eyes "open" for So Much longer than me!

People who have grown up and thrived in the Church!

People who have read the Bible EVERY Day for Years!

Who have gone to Bible Studies and Graduated Seminary - or college - or are just really friggin Smart!

And then there's me.

A girl who spent a decade running from God and Pain.

Who made pretty much every single bad decision in the book.

Who willfully left the church, her family and her life to seek an easier path in Life.

But there's no such thing as an easy Path on my Pilgrim's Progress.

Although Imma throw something Real at you...

The Decade of Running from God - was Fucking Hella Easier than Following Him.

And that is The TRUTH.

This is also an understanding that many within the Church cannot seem to comprehend.

It baffles me.

How can I - the Complete Fuckup:

29 and Single

No Degree

No Job

No License or Car

Therapy Once a Week

Doesn't Know How to Cry Properly

Doesn't Know How to Cook Easily

Still Gets Scared to Ask for a Ride

And Still Enjoys a good ole "That's what she said" Joke...

How can I see a Truth SO Clearly and yet SO Many simply don't?

How can people who I have always deemed as "Better" than me - miss some of the Most Obvious Lessons Christ taught us?

How can they even seem to understand something, believe they do, even talk as if they do - but through their Words and Deeds - prove that they truly, just - Don't?

I would like to think many of the Truths I understand are simply fallacies.

It would make sense to me that I'm just wrong.

And yet - how many times have I written a blog post only to have dozens of Christian friends affirm exactly what I said? How often has our Pastor done the same? Several times he did so the following week of my Post!

No - What I'm saying has merit.

It's just that not everyone sees that yet. They aren't spiritually mature enough to understand.

And here's the kicker...

That is OK

No - it's not ok to stay that way forever.

We ALL have to Grow Up.

(and I personally hate this part of life)

But we do.

However

It's ok to not rush it.

How often have I cried because I saw what I needed to learn - but couldn't grasp it fast enough.

How many women have admitted with me - that we just want to be perfect NOW!

We don't want to be Patient.

We don't want to Work for it.

And - SideNote - Sin is not often just flicked out of existence by God.

No - that's rarely how He opperates.

When there is sin in your Life - you ask God to take it away of course.

But how does He do that?

He typically give you the tools and His Own Strength and Guidance.

You cannot do it on your own and only God can forgive you for it - But

Sometimes the Best Lesson Learned - is the Hard Way.

Us Humans - We Need Consequences Often to Truly Understand.

To Truly Hate Our Sin - having it disappear at the drop of a prayer would teach many of us Nothing.

Growing Spiritually - Sanctification - involves learning Much the HardWay.

We learn through Pain, Sweat, Tears and even Blood.

Perhaps - especially Blood.

It Sucks

Like - it Really Really BLOWS

And so I get it now.

Many people aren't ready for that.

People don't want to Grow.

It's Fucking Hard.

I simply no longer had a choice.

And now I realize that the people I get exasperated with, simply aren't where I am yet.

And that's alright.

It wasn't alright when people looked down on me for that.

And it's not alright to look down on others for it.

We all grow.

At different rates, times and for different reasons.

And above all - I am grateful that God has given so many the time to Grow Slowly.

You may hear a sarcastic undertone in that sentence, but believe me in that it is your own imagination, spurned by a lifetime of experiences.

While I may seem patronizing or condescending to someone who does not know me well...

Hear me now.

The thought of people going through what I've been through is a sure fire panic attack in the making.

I would Spare Anyone the need to learn what I have in the ways I did.

I wish my Path of Sanctification on NO ONE.

Least of all someone I love.

So Yes.

I am Incredibly Grateful that people have the chance to Grow Slowly.

I am Beyond Thankful they do not have to go through hell years and More Pain than I can convey.

I would Grow Slower if I could.

But I don't get that option any more.

And because of this I see my error.

You are allowed to Grow Slowly.

I am SO Very Grateful For this

And so while you still do need to...

GROW UP

I will also remember that I DO NOT WANT you to have to do it Fast.

I am HeartBroken at the very thought.

With Much Imperfect Love

I am a Coward

I am a Coward. It's simple. I will do Anything and Everything to avoid Mental Pain. One of my Alltime Fvorite tv shows emphasizes a typical societal view on Emotional Pain versus Physical Pain...

Yes - I think this is Hilarious. It's also very, Very Wrong.

I am a coward, but if the definition of a coward was determined by a Stoic, I would be a BEAST. I am simply not afraid of Physical Pain. The idea of being shot doesn't scare me. If we were in Roman times I would make an Amazing soldier. If you looked at the things I've done...

I've gone down black diamonds in Colorado and laughed when I crashed - Hard. I'm an adrenaline junkie and if there's a challenge to be had in that arena - I have Never said No. From cliff-jumping to playing chicken in a car -- I've done it all. I could give two shits about my body. Not when it's such an easy pawn to use in retaining my sanity. In keeping the Emotional Pain at Bay. Tattoos and Piercings were used this way. Men were as well. Even a taser once.

Oh - you don't want to hear this? Boohoo - I'm not in the mood to hear your bullshit. Not if you laughed at that video and sure as Fuck not if you agreed with it. You obviously need to hear the realities of Emotional Pain because I'm sick and tired of people treating us like weaklings. I'm a Coward for Emotional Pain, the kind that you Could Not FATHOM.

You think you can empathize? Ok - Empathize.

Imagine what it's like to have a Pain SO Intense that you decide to end your life because you can't handle it. Oh - believe me, I know you've heard this before and it hasn't sunk in. So I'll make it more real for you.

There are men and women in this world who have Pain that goes so deep that they just quit Life. I remember the first time Clearly. I left work. I went home and popped pill after pill until my bath was cold - guzzling cough medicine on the side as I ate chips for the horrendous taste. When that didn't seem to be working - I got in my ugliest pairs of sweats, covered my seat with a towel to prevent a mess and calmly took a serrated knife to my arms for over half an hour, slicing them dozens upon dozens of times -  trying to get deep enough to hit a vein. It wasn't hard. I never cried out. I only let a couple tears fall when I saw that it wasn't working. They wouldn't bleed, not how I wanted them too. I remember despairing and trying harder and harder. I put a great deal of physical strength into my last attempt. It was the only one that needed stitches - about an inch deep and when the blood barely welled - that is when I let a couple tears fall as I realized that I couldn't even kill myself correctly. I had fucked up again. And the Pain from that was the only thing I felt - the only Pain I remember with a clarity that Hurts even now. I do not remember any physical pain whatsoever.

I remember Emotional Pain, physical pain does not even register as a blip in my memories. I remember Hurting SO Bad, my thoughts going at the rate of a tornado - spiraling up so High and Dangerous. It was terrifying and I am a Coward. So I walked to Cary Parkway. I waited. I saw lights from a car racing down the street at the late hour. I waited. And then I ran and stopped. I watched the car as it hit me. I braced myself for impact. I admit I was scared enough at the last minute that I twisted my body away from the car and it only hit my left side. My head hit the windshield. I fell to the ground and I remember despair that I wasn't hurt at all. I wanted it to knock me out. I wanted to stop Feeling, emotionally. And not even the physical pain from this even could stop the Emotional Pain from torturing me. All I wanted was for it to all stop. But banging your head against a brick or shower wall is only enough to ease the Pain for a little bit - it won't stop your thoughts. They just keep going and going and going...

Think about what I have said. Think about your reaction to that video clip. I find it humorous in a deprecating sort of way. Why do you? Do you think Physical Pain hurts more than Emotional Pain? Because honestly - I find sin in my life for thinking men are pussies with not only Emotional Pain, but physical pain as well. Last year - if you were to give me a gun and dare me to shoot myself in the foot - I could and probably would, depending on the stakes. I can brand myself, although I've only worked with boiling water for that type of physical pain. Physical Pain is NOTHING compared to Emotional Pain. The fact that you think that - just tells me you've never experienced this kind of PAIN. And I lose respect for you honestly. When I cry out because a piece of furniture drops on my foot or glass breaks and cuts me - are you really so oblivious to think I'm crying out from physical pain? Fool. I am crying out because I didn't catch it - because I failed.

Fuck.

I am disappointed in each and every one of you who still holds this fucked up view of life. I am double disappointed with anybody unwilling to try to empathize. Today I'm just Done. I'm tired of Idiots and Fools. I'm tired of confrontations and conflict. I'm tired of a year of growing and people still not understanding exactly where I was that wanting to LIVE, that dealing with the PAIN is a BIG Fucking Deal. I spent an entire Decade handling the Pain with physical pain, among other poor coping methods. Today I'm proud to say that I am FAR from where I was. I'm following God and I'm working my ASS OFF to Live like Jesus. And I am doing hella GOoD.

I don't have time for people who are unwilling to go through hard shit to follow God too. I sure as fuck did and still do. At least for today - I refuse to deal with y'all's shit. You are a modern day bully and the kind that is really just the Ultimate Pussy.

I admit I was a Coward and often still am. I ran away from the Pain and from God for a decade plus. But I am no longer running. I am turning to face it head on. Not only that - but I'm going Braveheart style on this Bitch. With God at my side - I know I will fucking have my Freedom. Not in this life - but the Next.

#LoveWhatMatters #FollowGod #GrowUp #DrinkMoreMilk