Comfort in Pain

The Pain hit. This is nothing new. I didn'the fight it this time. I was resigned. I just stepped into the shower, sunk to my knees and let it hit me. I didn't scream - home alone now means I will permit myself noise - and sobbing feels better than silently screaming.

And as the first wave of onslought beguns to recede something occurs to me...

I'm not scared.

The Pain - there's nothing like it. In the past I would rather be dead than to feel it. God simply wouldn't allow that no matter how hard I tried. The lengths I have gone through to simply prevent it should have killed me. But again - God said no.

I have cursed Him for this. I have seen Him as Cruel for making me Live. Above all - I have feared God more than the Pain. Because I ALWAYS KNEW that He could take it away...but He didn't.

I don't believe in Travelling Mercies. I Loathe Prayers for Healing. For I know that this is not God's way. The path of a Christian is HARD. It is NOT Easy and it Often Hurts Like a Bitch. I will not be the one to sugar coat it for people. I will not pretend it's all Rainbows and Butterflies. That's just plain BULLSHIT.

But I will tell you this.

It's Worth It.

Pain that drove me to attempt suicide on numerous occasions - is Worth It.

Why?

Because I see what many cannot. What many are unable to see because their very soul has not been shattered...repeatedly. Mine has. And I will Forever be Broken.

I. Am. Broken.

Permanently and unashamadly - Broken.

And yet. There is a verse I have clung to, without fully understanding why...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christʼs power may rest on me.
~2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

And another...
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
~Psalm 51:17 NIV

As I have said, more times than I can count - I am Broken. And I realize, more and more every day, what a GOOD thing this is.

And as I curled there in the shower, my face pressed to the floor for comfort and hot water pounding my back mingling with my once-shameful tears -- I took comfort in this.

I was not Afraid.

I can tell you with sincerity - I cannot be hurt more than I have been - more than I still am. The Pain is unsurmountable and will be with me for the Rest of my Life. I have already come to terms with that.

And as I lay there - for the First Time...I did not beg God, "Please. Please. Please. Please - make it stop." I did not fear it would drive me over the cliffs of insanity. I did not fear it would break my heart, body, mind or soul.

No. I accepted the Pain and I Trusted Him. I Trusted that He would give me the Strength I needed to survive it. I Trusted that there would be an end - be it days, weeks or months later. And having been caught in a Pain Storm that lasted over a year before - it is no small feat to Trust I can survive that again. To Trust it will end and I will feel Joy once more.

I never know wny the Pain hits, not until the Storm is over. As a consequence - I do not know how long they will last. I get breaks, like the eye of a hurricane, but I never know how many eyes there and how long even they will last. And this makes the Pain even more terrifying. And yet...

I was not scared. Not even slightly. I was shocked when I found myself thinking -- about Happiness!!! I cannot remember such a thing exists when the Pain takes over! And yet, I did. There was even a faint memory of this feeling, although not the feeling itself. It was, odd - in all honesty.

To be in Pain that has Broken me Completrly in the Past, but to also feel......Safe. That's the word I'm looking for. That is a Contradiction of the Wildest Sort. But the  - God is very fond of such a thing.

How often does He remind me He is God? Amazing, All-Powerful, Wonderful, Good, Kind, Loving - Who Loves a wretch like me!  He so often does this by showing me that the Impossible without Him - is Possible WITH Him. I oftrn say that my Life is one Big Irony since His and my relationship really took off. I find it quite humorous how often He likes to prove my doubts, fears and insecurities wrong in such Big Ways. He did invent humor too, we often forget. And I Love Him for it :)

And thus I have learned you can find comfort from Pain. For I cannot hurt more than this. And no matter how often it tries to kill me - God shows me He is Stronger and that with Him - So too am I.