Suicide Awareness Month

It's become a thing - Awareness. Not that this hasn't always been an important concept. But now we have months that remind us to think about things we often don't. Or more often - would rather not.

I have seen a great many of wonderful and intense suicide awareness posts due to this radical trend. I say radical - because I think the change it inspires is just so. Like the #MeToo movement - it lets people know they aren't alone.

Loneliness is one of the scariest things in existence. Possibly the most terrifying at all, if you think about it. To have no friends, no family, no pets, no God - no one to love and show you love. I'm quite certain that nothing would be worse than to be completely alone. Maybe that's what hell is - the absence of God and everything He is about. Left all to yourself and your own brokenness. Wow. Too dark.

So that's a big part of awareness. It's empathy. It's connecting with others and learning how to know them and love them well. It's letting them know they have you. It's letting God use you to further Grace. Because ultimately - we all want to be loved, not only despite our bad qualities, but also as those broken by life.

Feeling like damaged goods can really take a toll on a person. Feeling dirty or too messed up to have any kind of relationships, be them romantic or platonic. It's incredibly helpful to have people reassure you that you're WorthIt. That you're strong in the face of tragedy. No one wants to be a "pity friend", but to have friends that truly see your struggles and decide you are amazing despite them, or even because of how far you've come in overcoming them -- that is of great value to anybody.

I've never enjoyed having friends who simply wanted to "help" me. It just made me feel more broken; and "less than". It enabled the Worthless identity I struggled to change. I cannot tell you how long I believed I was "the worst person in the room." I knew it, I admitted it, but it took years for me to learn to change that perception. I am not worthless, I am not "less than" other Christian women because of my differences. I am God's broken tool - and I am the most valuable thing in existence. Along with the rest of His beloveds :) Cause God's Love is perfect, unlike ours. So contradictions make sense with Him :D

Anyways - that being said. For those of you who I have met during recent times, when I have been quiet about my past -- my struggles of Worthlessness have culminated in multiple suicide attempts. Four I think in all, from age 18 - 26. Also countless psych ward stays when I knew my wish for death was getting too strong. That's all I wanted for those 8 years. I didn't want to be here. It hurt too much and I didn't have anyone who could help me learn how to cope. There wasn't help then. And there wasn't awareness. I didn't even know I was hurting most of the time. I just went from one fix to the next, constantly numbing the black hole ever growing inside me.

Most Christians told me to pray harder. One told me God wouldn't listen because of the life I led. I stopped praying then. I ran from Him. I saw a God who was doing this to me so I would grow. He was not a kind God in my eyes. I was hurt and scared of the God I saw at church.

But that's the thing. The God many portray was not the God I know now. He's a God who is beyond kind. He did not cause my Pain, it was a result of a Broken World. But He did take my Pain and transformed it to that which is Beautiful beyond words. He took years to earn my trust, which is not something I have ever earned or deserved. But He did it, because of Love and Grace. He took my Worthlessness and turned it into Value. He took my desire for death and gave me a desire to serve in this life.

I love Him. For all this and more. I am not who I once was. I am more. Because of HIM.

For all those who have lost someone - I am truly sorry. I don't know why God chose to keep me here, when He brought so many others Home. Although I have cursed Him for it far too many times and begged Him to change His mind even more. But I no longer seek death. And I hope any who still do have felt encouraged during this time of Awareness.

You are not alone. Even when you are. You may not have friends or family at the moment. But you have a God that loves you - even when you curse His name. And I cling to that - Every. Single. Day.

A Toast to the Broken

I have this Pestering BusyBody Who Loves me more than I can fathom. He's poking me, prodding me through others. People are asking about my blogs. Wondering about why I stopped writing.

I stopped because I wanted to blend in. I stopped because I was talking about marriage with my now husband, while feeling the weight of disapproval from people who were worried. People who knew a little of my abnormalities, concerned for my then husband-to-be. And I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle giving anybody any more reasons to not want me a part of his life.

And so I went quiet.

I know this was wrong - but it worked.

And so then there were all these new people who didn't know anything about me - and they still don't! Because I'm able to blend in again. I'm past the point where I have to constantly run and hide as my mind tries to rip me apart.

I've come far in my therapy. My life is no longer a sea of black and white - I now have empathy and understand how Grace works. I have become more flexible and therefore, break less often. I don't blame others for the pain they cause me - I hurt with understanding and love. And best of all - I understand the reason for Life. I understand why God wants me here. I understand this is not my Home and is truly fucked up. And I am beyond honored to be His broken tool in a broken world.

I am doing so well, that my therapist has started to suggest that one day I might not fit the criteria of a person with Borderline. This is a label that I've been told many times is not given easily, as it can never be taken away. A diagnosis that is more severe than autism or even schizophrenia - as it is far more lethal. Borderline patients die. That's the hard fact. We are unable to cope with the intense pain and we either commit suicide or die via lethal coping mechanisms such as drugs or adrenaline seeking highs.

There is no medicine to help with this. There is no way to take away the pain. It will be with us the rest of our life. We are emotional burn victims with no ability to heal. We can only hone an ability to manage the pain appropriately and learn how to function, knowing it could flare up at any time. My inability to regulate emotions - that won't change. But handling emotions - that is a skill I now possess.

My therapist recently said if he could check in on me by channeling how I was feeling into his own mind - he would instantly crumble and begin to vomit. I hate when people respond to "I'm not normal" with "there's no such thing as normal." There is a norm. There is an average. What I feel is not average. And suggesting that there is no normal, doesn't make me feel better. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, that death became such a relief in my eyes. Affirmation that I am strong in the face of such an intense disorder - that has been something I have come to cherish.

Because I am strong. Not by choice. Not out of pride do I say this. I say this because I need to believe this happened for Good. That God is using my Brokenness for His Glory. I am Strong because He turned my Pain into Strength. I love because He Loved me enough to save me from myself. I Trust Him because He taught me how.

I am not a product of myself. I am a product of HIM. And that - I can take pride in.

I hurt. More than I can convey. That is my thorn.
But the rose attached - is that I can love beyond what I can explain. I feel joy and excitement in such a tidal wave - it can swamp those I am excited for if I am not careful. I FEEL. Too much. But not all feelings are bad.

Furthermore - God has surrounded me with a community of His Own. I am no longer wallowing in shame, waiting for my next sexual fix. I haven't been called a slut or a whore in years. My core identity has changed from "Worthless" to "Valuable" - not in a way I understand, but in a way I am so very very Grateful for. How Grace works is known to me, but why is still completely incomprehensible. And I'm ok with that.

I don't need to know why God loves me. It's more than enough to have Complete Trust that He DOES.

I am not normal. I am incredibly broken. I am a used, bloody, dirty, instrument of my Lord.

So here's to talking about our dirty little secrets! The reasons we are Christians. For without them - we would have no understanding of Grace and no reliance on God. So a toast! To the Broken and Weary.

Jesus came for us.