Comfort in Pain

The Pain hit. This is nothing new. I didn'the fight it this time. I was resigned. I just stepped into the shower, sunk to my knees and let it hit me. I didn't scream - home alone now means I will permit myself noise - and sobbing feels better than silently screaming.

And as the first wave of onslought beguns to recede something occurs to me...

I'm not scared.

The Pain - there's nothing like it. In the past I would rather be dead than to feel it. God simply wouldn't allow that no matter how hard I tried. The lengths I have gone through to simply prevent it should have killed me. But again - God said no.

I have cursed Him for this. I have seen Him as Cruel for making me Live. Above all - I have feared God more than the Pain. Because I ALWAYS KNEW that He could take it away...but He didn't.

I don't believe in Travelling Mercies. I Loathe Prayers for Healing. For I know that this is not God's way. The path of a Christian is HARD. It is NOT Easy and it Often Hurts Like a Bitch. I will not be the one to sugar coat it for people. I will not pretend it's all Rainbows and Butterflies. That's just plain BULLSHIT.

But I will tell you this.

It's Worth It.

Pain that drove me to attempt suicide on numerous occasions - is Worth It.

Why?

Because I see what many cannot. What many are unable to see because their very soul has not been shattered...repeatedly. Mine has. And I will Forever be Broken.

I. Am. Broken.

Permanently and unashamadly - Broken.

And yet. There is a verse I have clung to, without fully understanding why...

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christʼs power may rest on me.
~2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV

And another...
My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.
~Psalm 51:17 NIV

As I have said, more times than I can count - I am Broken. And I realize, more and more every day, what a GOOD thing this is.

And as I curled there in the shower, my face pressed to the floor for comfort and hot water pounding my back mingling with my once-shameful tears -- I took comfort in this.

I was not Afraid.

I can tell you with sincerity - I cannot be hurt more than I have been - more than I still am. The Pain is unsurmountable and will be with me for the Rest of my Life. I have already come to terms with that.

And as I lay there - for the First Time...I did not beg God, "Please. Please. Please. Please - make it stop." I did not fear it would drive me over the cliffs of insanity. I did not fear it would break my heart, body, mind or soul.

No. I accepted the Pain and I Trusted Him. I Trusted that He would give me the Strength I needed to survive it. I Trusted that there would be an end - be it days, weeks or months later. And having been caught in a Pain Storm that lasted over a year before - it is no small feat to Trust I can survive that again. To Trust it will end and I will feel Joy once more.

I never know wny the Pain hits, not until the Storm is over. As a consequence - I do not know how long they will last. I get breaks, like the eye of a hurricane, but I never know how many eyes there and how long even they will last. And this makes the Pain even more terrifying. And yet...

I was not scared. Not even slightly. I was shocked when I found myself thinking -- about Happiness!!! I cannot remember such a thing exists when the Pain takes over! And yet, I did. There was even a faint memory of this feeling, although not the feeling itself. It was, odd - in all honesty.

To be in Pain that has Broken me Completrly in the Past, but to also feel......Safe. That's the word I'm looking for. That is a Contradiction of the Wildest Sort. But the  - God is very fond of such a thing.

How often does He remind me He is God? Amazing, All-Powerful, Wonderful, Good, Kind, Loving - Who Loves a wretch like me!  He so often does this by showing me that the Impossible without Him - is Possible WITH Him. I oftrn say that my Life is one Big Irony since His and my relationship really took off. I find it quite humorous how often He likes to prove my doubts, fears and insecurities wrong in such Big Ways. He did invent humor too, we often forget. And I Love Him for it :)

And thus I have learned you can find comfort from Pain. For I cannot hurt more than this. And no matter how often it tries to kill me - God shows me He is Stronger and that with Him - So too am I.

He is THE Game Changer

It’s been a couple weeks now since I was hit with the complete understanding that I am always going to have Pain. I remember how overwhelmed I was at the thought of Feeling Everything SO Intensely and not letting myself just shut it off all together again. I always thought that working Crazy Hard on my therapy would have the benefit of my mind and emotions calming down - that they would peter out and become bearable with time. But that was never the case. What I have been working towards constantly is raising the bar for what I can handle. My Pain Tolerance is going up as well as my ability to function through it. I will always be Broken - and that’s ok. It's going to be more than ok. For God specializes in contradictions and after today - there is no doubt in my mind that a Broken Tool is the Most Useful for His line of Work. I shattered today more times than I can remember. And although my ability to see through Truth as my mind breaks and the screams won't stop is hazy at best -- my Faith in Him will NOT waver. I am His, He is MINE and NO ONE can take that away from me. Not even the Pain. I will survive this World as I look forward to the next. Not just survive it though - I will Thrive in it. I will do this at His behest. Because He Loves me. And that was the Biggest Game Changer of my Life...not to mention the Entire World as we know it. Thank You my Lord -- for Grace.

Through His Eyes

Mirror Mirror - on the Wall...

Do you ever wonder how any woman could have the audacity to ask such a Question?

Or perhaps you are one of the Rarities in this World who can look in a mirror and see Beauty...instead of all the flaws.

When it comes to seeing my reflection - I would rather be a vampire, than a princess.

I would rather see Nothing than the face that stares back at me.

What do I see when I look in the mirror?
What every woman sees.
Every single Imperfection. Every Scar. Every Bit of Pain and Sin is captured there. And I see the Perfect Mask hiding it all.

Well. It was Perfect.

But now there is a furrow in my brow when I'm upset. My jaw will clench when I'm trying to hold it together. I can see new tears that are now only barely hidden with the correct expression, an artful smile and a small laugh.

Or Worse...
I see the Blank Stare of a woman who refuses to don her mask, but is neither willing to cry. She just buries her emotions like a Bitch with a Disgusting Bone. A pathetic thing to see for sure.

Because my Perfect Mask was Broken - by God Himself. I will never look into the Mirror to see Ice Bitch staring back at me again. And that. That makes the flaws I now see - Completely. And Utterly. WorthIt.

I am not a Good Person. I am not a Princess. But Neither am I an Evil Queen. I am not Average or Unique.

I'm just me.

A little girl trapped in a Fallen World.
A silly bunny who finally decided to Live and learn to Love, but still doesn't know how to do that Well.
A woman following God but making all this shit up as she goes.

I am Nothing. He is Everything.
This I Know.

But sometimes I wish I could look in the mirror and see a Woman after God's Own Heart.
Sometimes I wish the Reflection starting back at me was Good.
Not Beautiful. Not Perfect. Not Pleasing to the Eye.
Just. Good.

But that's why we have each other right?
This is one of the many reasons God created the Church - why He designed Life the Way He did.


A Pilgrim's Progress is a very lonely thing, and not an easy thing on your own.
And while it can be Necessary - God gave us fellow sojourners to journey with Home.
He gave us a Family. Quite Large in fact.
He gave us people who have strengths where our weaknesses lie.
He gave us friends to help in time of need. People to Cherish and Love.
God gave us So Many others to see what we cannot - even when it's our own selves.
So maybe I cannot look into a mirror and see Good.

It doesn't matter.
Because I can look into the eyes of so many of my friends and find it there.
I can look towards my Lord to remind me when I forget.

I am not an Evil Queen. Nor am I a Princess.

I am just me.

Flawed, Imperfect, Sinful, Batshit Crazy...Broken.
And God's Own.
He chose me - fuck if I know why. But Grateful I Totally am.
For He brings out the Good in me.

He thawed my Heart of Ice.
He filled the Void deep in the Pit of my Soul.
He took all that was Broken and Shattered - and started Piecing it back together...One shard at a time.

Maybe OneDay I will look in the mirror and see more than the Scars of my Brokenness.
Today is not that day.
But maybe...OneDay.

End Dramatics.

<3

No. Not End. I Found what God was trying to Remind me. I found exactly what I said. I may not be able to look in a mirror to see who God made me to be. But I can see it through His Eyes. Through the eyes of many who Love me. Thank You my Lord. Thank You for this Beautiful Family you have gifted me with...