No. No. No. I’m tired of Prettiness being All that and a Box of Chocolate. I friggin love dressing up! I love getting all dolled up and feeling Beautiful and even Sexy! What I hate is how people react. There are very few people who I enjoy a compliment about my looks. Very very few people. And NO - don’t give me that shit. I KNOW what it feels like to Be UGLY. I was. And not because of my weight. But because on top of around 300 pounds I also was Severely Depressed and Anxiety Ridden. I was haggard, worn and Miserable. I didn’t like myself, had Zero Confidence and Simply wanted to Die. Yeah - I was fucking UGLY.
Now? Now I want to Live - like Truly Live. Live for God. Following Him is fucking hard, but my looks have transformed in this Pilgrim’s Progress. And those are the Compliments I LOVE. Because they have nothing to do with me, but with God. They aren’t shallow or superficial, but meaningful. But compliments on my weight? Worthless to me. I’m sorry if you’ve done this and are now reading - but it’s the Truth. I LOATHE Compliments on my weight. I take them with a thank you, because the person is being kind. But I ABHOR them. Why?
Because I truly believe you have your priorities Incredibly Screwed up to think a person’s WORTH is based on their weight. I’m not saying that my friends and family who compliment me necessarily think this. But the majority of people who I come into contact with in The World and in The Church - DO. They don’t know this, but I have been on both ends of the Extreme. As an adult my weight has fluctuated Drastically Several times. I have been below 100 pounds and over 200 enough times I have more stretch marks than the average mother - and that is NOT an exaggeration.
And do you know what I learned? I was worth more: my opinion, my attention, my company, etc. These were all sought after whenever I was skinny. When I was Big? No, people assumed I must not be doing well. I must be depressed to be that big. And while that was often true, it struck me dumb when I realized that people had a tendency to think I was doing WELL when I dropped weight. How Clueless are people? Let me clue you in on something that is Incredibly Basic but often brushed off as UnImportant. I, and many others - eat when depressed. Yeah - I know you know that. Second half of this BASIC, but IMPORTANT Knowledge - People who Struggle with Severe Anxiety - Cannot Eat. Not WILL NOT. CANNOT. Do you Understand? You say you do, but how come I get jokes about how “Well I’d rather not be able to eat than overeat.” Fuck That. Fuck that society has conditioned people to make such a flippant and callous “joke”. Do you realize how fucked up that is? I’m not a girl who is bragging that she missed a meal through a mock complaint. Do you know what it’s like to live with constant nausea? If you’re a mother - there’s a good chance you do. Why the hell would you joke that you want that?! I FUCKING Hate it! To be hungry but also nauseous! To eventually have eaten so little you stop being hungry alltogether, just nauseous at the thought of eating. Do you know what happens then? Not only do you lose the weight from extra fat cells, but also your muscle. I couldn’t pick up a plate of food at a restaurant to serve at table, I had lost so much of my muscle. I didn’t do drugs then, or even drink - I was too nauseous to do either of those either. And then I started shaking, constantly. It never stopped. A constant tremor that I could turn into a party trick simply by showing people my palms relaxed. You could see the outline of EVERY Single one of my ribs. My spine looked like something you would find in the Science Museum on display. And let me remind you that this isn’t anorexia, which is a whole different problem. This is Extreme Anxiety after a couple months. And nausea is only one of the many symptoms of course. Suicide Attempts will follow not long after it gets this severe. Another difference between the underlying causes for overeating and undereating in many cases similar to mine. Depression to an Extreme will be easy to be seen, although rarely understood. Anxiety - people can’t see it or understand it. Depression to an Extreme had me in bed for 6 months. Dropping out of school, quitting my job, just laying in bed, day after day. Just waiting for the end. Wishing you could fall asleep and never wake up. Anxiety - it doesn’t work the same. There are Many Unhealthy Coping Methods for Anxiety to get you through the day looking “Normal”. Physical Pain topping the list. They will also eventually get you killed. No - cutting may be safe if you do it right, but that’s not what I’m saying. Because it’s a Temporary Fix. Believe me. I never cut, because I knew how much I would crave it. But I had my own outlets in the realm of physical pain. And mine left deeper scars than cutting can. Severe Anxiety is Caused by Fucking Deep-Ass Pain. Unhealthy Coping methods are like those movies where an accident happens and someone rips off their shirt to put pressure on a mortal wound. You are Dying...from the inside-out. You need more than pressure and someone’s T-shirt.
Anxiety is NOT Something to Fucking Joke about. And while I don’t blame people for being unable to see my anxiety, when I have Perfected the Craft of Hiding it. Although - God has been Slowly Guiding me to Trust People to let it show, which SUCKS. I cannot tell you how hard it has been to be doing SO POORLY. To Be Constantly Anxious that I am Physically Ill. To be barely holding it together and it’s starting to show in my weight-loss. To have someone come up to me and I am concentrating so hard on smiling, on getting through the day and then to have them say compliment my looks and if they know me, they typically add that their glad I’m doing “So Well.” That. That is when I want to flee. That moment when weight goes hand-in-hand with my worth. Oh - you didn’t make that leap? People who aren’t “Doing Well” aren’t worth anything. Didn’t you know that? If you’re not a Productive Member of Society than you misewell just kill yourself now. Oh don’t worry - God didn’t let me die no matter how many times I caved to this perpetuated social norm.
I am SO SICK of people thinking they are Better than others. I am BEYOND Exhausted Dealing with the Pride SO Prevalent in The Church. Everyone has faults and I HATE my own. But thinking you’re better or worth more than another just makes me ILL. If you think a person’s Worth is measured by their weight, by their college degree, career choice, type of addiction aka. Idol, their wardrobe, age, Life Choices - You. Are. A. FOOL. Oh Hell Yes - I am often a Fool. I do not deny this. I accept it with eagerness. I mean - if I had an idiotic notion that I wasn’t - Christ wouldn’t be able to fix me. I KNOW I am Broken. But God is making me anew. He is Transforming me each and every day. Even though the sin in my heart, in the hearts of other and even the world - is Constantly damaging the Masterpiece He once designed me to be. And yet - He keeps working. The Never-ending project of my Soul. He watches as I smash a Beautiful Piece of my own Soul, that He Designed, in Rage. But what does He do? He stands stalwart as I beat Him with my fists, until my anger turns to Pain. And then He holds me close as I begin to sob. How often have I fallen asleep in His arms from just this scenario? Lulled to sleep by the Reminder that He will Never Leave me. He will Never Forsake me. I can’t run away from Him. I can’t even run Him off. I’m stuck with Him, no matter how little I deserve it. Because nobody does. No matter who you are or where you are in Life - NOBODY Deserves to be saved. Nobody is Worth More. I don’t know why He picked me - but I thank You GOD that You did. And this is what I Plead. Of You and others. Let people see the Beauty of God in me. Please. I do not appreciate the body you gave me as I should, and for that I am sorry. But I Beg of You. Let my Worth be seen through other gifts you have given me. Not that one. Please. I want to enjoy the idea that I may be pretty. And right now - I simply don’t. Please.
Saturday, December 31, 2016
Monday, December 26, 2016
Wednesday, December 21, 2016
Another Ramble on Men, Women and Our Minds
There are many like me, but we are not average whatsoever in this category, among others. Because of this - the mind has come to fascinate me. Learning how mine differs from others is Super Exciting as it is Incredibly Helpful in Relationship Quandaries. Conflict springs up betwixt any two people, but it can be high-nigh impossible to settle if you are unable to understand why it exists. Often people simply cannot because they are unable to communicate the differences that they are upset over. Often they cannot communicate, because they never took the time to be introspective and understand why they themselves think the way they do, so they sure as hell haven’t taken the time to understand why another person may think differently. One of the Biggest Components of DBT(Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) is just this. I have taken, and still take - a Hella Amount of Time to figure out WHY I think the way I do. Why others think the way they do. And then how to interact in a Healthy Way when Conflict arises using this information.
Anyone can tell you Communication is Key in Relationships. And it’s Easy to see why. As soon as we are born we start evolving and devolving. No Two minds are born the same OR nurtured the same. By a Very Young Age each of our minds are Drastically Different than each others. There are average areas and norms, but every one of us is unique with our own strengths and failings. If you walk around assuming others think they way you do - you’re not gonna have a lot of friends. It’s a very wise idea to take time to see how you think and also how that differs from others. I once was forced to do this to regain my sanity. Now it has become a passion. Particularly that of men and women - as it is the most drastic of differences in the two largest Norms.
I was thinking of compartmentalization and the Nothing Box, of course. It STILL BOGGLES MY MIND that guys can think about NOTHING. I can’t! I WAS that girl that would ask a guy “whatchya thinking about?” And when he replied “nothing.” I assumed he just didn’t want to tell me. Drove me Bonkers! I NEVER considered the possibility that they actually weren’t thinking of anything, because in my mind - that in NO WAY is or ever has been Possible! And this did cause more than a few conflicts. Ever since I learned about the “Nothing Box” - Thank you Mark Gungor! Well - it was life altering! I don’t get mad at guys for lying to me anymore - because I realize - they aren’t! And that led me to more revelations. Do you know that guys need to figure some stuff out often by NOT talking about it?! I know - SO Weird!
But back to compartmentalization. Guys do this well. Girls really don’t. And I don’t think we often take the time to applicably consider this idea. Because - I think it often LOOKS like a girl is Compartmentalizing. So a guy is at work - he’s at work, working. Unless his work is interrupted - he’s probably not going to think about home stuff. A guy is cool in that when he can be completely focused and present in what he’s doing, so long as he’s not distracted. In my experience - Engineers reign in this area. But girls - we don’t operate that way. We may LOOK like we’re completely present. But - were often not. We’re multi-tasking. 24/7. There are no compartments. We’re watching a movie and thinking about a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and that maybe I should give her a call. Did I switch the laundry earlier? Oh, I don’t want to grocery shop tomorrow - we’ll just eat leftovers for dinner. Oh that shirt looks good at that character - I wonder if I can find it for a reasonable price? Oh no - did I hear my husband cough - there’s something going around, I hope he’s not getting sick. I’ll make him drink some of granny’s syrup later. Should I take a melatonin soon so I’ll be sleepy by the time this is over?
And while we are thinking all this and a bazillion other thoughts - we’re enjoying the movie, laughing, crying, screaming in terror(I don’t know what you watch). We can be fully present, our minds can just multi-task at very high-levels. This also often causes us to be less-focused than a guy and often cause us to look random and/or crazy. Particularly if an unrelated thought becomes emotional. One minute we’re playing a board game and the next we’re crying about that mean thing you said last week. Our minds - they don’t stop or go in a logical way. Some minds may be more organized and less jumpy than others, but in general girls tune out the unrelated bits. Or - try to. If a girl is stressed, but has a job to do, she’s still stressed - she’s just doing her best to tune out the stress. This is also why girls develop Skillfully Detailed Masks. Because a girl can’t put her stress away in a box so she can hostess. No - she just tunes it out the best she can, which tends to only work for very small stressors, like “Will people be able to find the place alright?” Big stressors, like a huge fight with a husband right before everybody arrives? Yeah - Mask. Firmly in Place. Make it through the night before you break down. And the Entire Party is now devoted to getting through it without people seeing that all you are now thinking about is the hurtful things that were said.
So yeah - girls do want to talk about it “Right NOW!” Because they have stuff to do - they have a life to live. And No - we don’t want to stress about something any longer than we absolutely have to. We don’t have an on/off switch for our thinking or our worries. We can’t put them a box, labeled neatly to go through at will. 24/7 our thoughts have access to us - many times without our permission. I feel like men can control their minds, while us women - many times just can’t. We only learn how to cope with them. How to handle them when they’re being a pain in the ass, which is Always.
I don’t know if this will be helpful for anyone, but writing it sure as hell was for me. So next time you wonder why a girl is acting a bit odd - there’s a good chance she’s stressed about something, or many somethings, and her mask is slipping. OneDay we won’t need masks, but in this day and age - society does not allow for that. You won’t keep a customer service job if you cannot perfect the “Barbie Smile.” And even with Good Friends - Eeyore is not a companion you want to invite to shindigs. I’m thankful I have friends who enjoy when I am Real. But they are a Rare find. Nobody’s perfect and there is NO Such Thing as a “True Friend”. Everyone fucks up and you will not only be hurt by a friend - but will hurt a friend. Even by accident. You want to find a True Friend, one who is Perfect and NEVER Hurts you? Grab a Bible and read the New Testament. But aside from Jesus, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with Imperfections in humans. Not to mention your own. Yeah - it sucks. Believe me - I get that. Where’s my damn Easy Button?
Oh - and this is what happens when I’m reading a book and smell cookies. If you’re confused - EXACTLY. My mind multi-tasks at the Speed of Light on Steroids. Good luck following my white rabbit.
And while we are thinking all this and a bazillion other thoughts - we’re enjoying the movie, laughing, crying, screaming in terror(I don’t know what you watch). We can be fully present, our minds can just multi-task at very high-levels. This also often causes us to be less-focused than a guy and often cause us to look random and/or crazy. Particularly if an unrelated thought becomes emotional. One minute we’re playing a board game and the next we’re crying about that mean thing you said last week. Our minds - they don’t stop or go in a logical way. Some minds may be more organized and less jumpy than others, but in general girls tune out the unrelated bits. Or - try to. If a girl is stressed, but has a job to do, she’s still stressed - she’s just doing her best to tune out the stress. This is also why girls develop Skillfully Detailed Masks. Because a girl can’t put her stress away in a box so she can hostess. No - she just tunes it out the best she can, which tends to only work for very small stressors, like “Will people be able to find the place alright?” Big stressors, like a huge fight with a husband right before everybody arrives? Yeah - Mask. Firmly in Place. Make it through the night before you break down. And the Entire Party is now devoted to getting through it without people seeing that all you are now thinking about is the hurtful things that were said.
So yeah - girls do want to talk about it “Right NOW!” Because they have stuff to do - they have a life to live. And No - we don’t want to stress about something any longer than we absolutely have to. We don’t have an on/off switch for our thinking or our worries. We can’t put them a box, labeled neatly to go through at will. 24/7 our thoughts have access to us - many times without our permission. I feel like men can control their minds, while us women - many times just can’t. We only learn how to cope with them. How to handle them when they’re being a pain in the ass, which is Always.
I don’t know if this will be helpful for anyone, but writing it sure as hell was for me. So next time you wonder why a girl is acting a bit odd - there’s a good chance she’s stressed about something, or many somethings, and her mask is slipping. OneDay we won’t need masks, but in this day and age - society does not allow for that. You won’t keep a customer service job if you cannot perfect the “Barbie Smile.” And even with Good Friends - Eeyore is not a companion you want to invite to shindigs. I’m thankful I have friends who enjoy when I am Real. But they are a Rare find. Nobody’s perfect and there is NO Such Thing as a “True Friend”. Everyone fucks up and you will not only be hurt by a friend - but will hurt a friend. Even by accident. You want to find a True Friend, one who is Perfect and NEVER Hurts you? Grab a Bible and read the New Testament. But aside from Jesus, you’re gonna have to learn to deal with Imperfections in humans. Not to mention your own. Yeah - it sucks. Believe me - I get that. Where’s my damn Easy Button?
Oh - and this is what happens when I’m reading a book and smell cookies. If you’re confused - EXACTLY. My mind multi-tasks at the Speed of Light on Steroids. Good luck following my white rabbit.
P.s. Besides adding a few paragraph breaks - I don't feel like reading this over or editing it. Yeah - well. I'm tired and I have a headache. I'm sure you will survive. And at least some of you can shut your brain down when you're done and give it a rest. Don't take that shit for granted. Also - a cat without a grin is easy to be seen, but if you see a grin without a cat - well then...there's a good chance you're a lot like me.
Friday, December 16, 2016
Two Extremes
It feels good to do good doesn’t it? But what about the times when doing the right thing hurts us? You treat someone with kindness and they’re rude in return. You speak up for a mistreated person or group and end up losing your reputation.
Throughout history people have endured violence, arrest, imprisonment and worse for standing up for what’s right. Figures like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr and Mother Teresa stand out as icons of doing good, no matter the cost.
This beatitude encourages us to keep on doing good, whatever the cost. And to believe that doing the right thing is more important than any opposition we may face.
#versefirst #lightrevolution#thelightrevolution #beatitudes #nlt#justice #blessed #serveoneanother#radicallove #faith #jesus#christiancreative#30daysofbiblelettering #instapray#goodnewsfeed #hereadstruth #life
We are called to Follow God and to treat others as He would. Even if we are mistreated in return, we are to be kind. Even if we lose our reputation in a world where this easily happens when Standing up for what is Right. And this includes your friends, your family. This includes our CHRISTIAN friends and family. The Church may be built on the Cornerstone, but is comprised of sinners until the day we are Freed from sin. They will Mess up -- BigTime. Because we ALL do. Even church can become an idol, particularly if you insist on seeing the people within as those who can do no wrong. We may be set apart by God, but we are NO Better than ANYONE. If you are unwilling to grasp that - God will be having a Serious sit-down with you in the future. Do what is Right and Good. Ask #WhatWouldJesusDo? Follow God, when in the World AND sitting in the pew at church. No matter the Cost. God warns us the Path of Righteousness is NOT easy. It's Hella Hard. If you're Life is all Fun and Games, you may want to Question if you have your Priorities in Order.
We are called to Follow God and to treat others as He would. Even if we are mistreated in return, we are to be kind. Even if we lose our reputation in a world where this easily happens when Standing up for what is Right. And this includes your friends, your family. This includes our CHRISTIAN friends and family. The Church may be built on the Cornerstone, but is comprised of sinners until the day we are Freed from sin. They will Mess up -- BigTime. Because we ALL do. Even church can become an idol, particularly if you insist on seeing the people within as those who can do no wrong. We may be set apart by God, but we are NO Better than ANYONE. If you are unwilling to grasp that - God will be having a Serious sit-down with you in the future. Do what is Right and Good. Ask #WhatWouldJesusDo? Follow God, when in the World AND sitting in the pew at church. No matter the Cost. God warns us the Path of Righteousness is NOT easy. It's Hella Hard. If you're Life is all Fun and Games, you may want to Question if you have your Priorities in Order.
And if you're on the Opposite End of this Spectrum. If you Struggle to let yourself Relax, just for a Moment, because There is SO Much to DO. I mean, cause...How can I Relax when I still need to call them, write that email, finish this paperwork, take the car there, the dog/cat/child needs this, my Entire house is a Disaster, Oh I feel a Headache building, I should probably eat something today, but I can do that after that appointment. Maybe - I need to stop and pick that thing up first, oh my gosh I forget his/her Birthday is next week. I need to get that too. If the car makes it. It sounded iffy this morning. I guess I should get it looked at. I can probably squeeze that in before the party tonight. Shoot - I have to get that ingredient for the dish I promised I'd make. I should have just offered to just bring the soda. No, it's cool. If I just rearrange those two, I can squeeze in some baking. Oh, but I forgot I have to drop that off! Today was the last day I can! Well - the party isn't formal. I can cut out time if I just do basic makeup, nix the shower in favor of dry shampoo. Oh wait - we were talking about time to Relax? Um. Yeah - No. I don't think that's gonna work. My Life already IS Hella Hard. I don't need to make it harder by trying to squeeze in Relaxation. It's gonna be Hard Enough finding time to have a Breakdown Later.
Yeah - SweetHeart. Breathe. If you're the type who Struggles more with allowing yourself a Break. I still Recommend a sit-down with God. But - ask Him for Help. People who tend towards this Extreme often have a Hard Time thinking they don't have to DO it ALL. That Life and Death of their hominee, children, friends, the World - rests on their shoulders. Not necessarily out of Pride either. A lack of Trust is NOT always rooted in Pride. But be aware that when you don't or can't allow yourself room to Breathe - you're not Giving Everything to God. When you give Him charge of your schedule - I know from Experience He's really Great about penciling in Times of Rest. But that will mean giving up Control. And from a Gal who has Worshiped Control on the Alter of Fear - and still Has a Friggin Hella Hard Time giving it up - I'll tell you that it won't be Easy. If I could get Easy Buttons for Everyone for Christmas I Totally would.
Life is not meant to be Easy. But it also isn't meant to Drive you to Insanity. There is an Inbetween to these Extremes. And No Matter which way you lean, for nobody walks the Lines of Life with Perfect Balance except our One and Only Savior -- and whether you lean one way or the other, or fluctuate in your attempt to Follow God, to act as Jesus and Find that Perfect Balance on Life's tight rope. In the End -- it's not a TightRope after all. It's just another Battle in a War that is Already WON. So while we do have to keep Fighting for God. While we DO have to Ask "What Would Jesus Do?" and look to Him with how to Find Balance. While Becoming a Christian does NOT mean God will Snap His Fingers and POOF - all your sin and Heartache is now Gone. We have more than HOPE. We have Assurance. We have God Almighty's Promise that there is an End to this Madness and then we can Go HOME.
When you get Overwhelmed with the Day to Day -- Remember the BigPicture. Our Story is not over yet, but the Ending is Already Written. And Spoiler Alert: It's a Happy Ending :)
Wednesday, December 7, 2016
A Letter and A Prayer
When I was six years old, I gave my first bl*wjob.“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”
It was too big, and I threw up on him.He said I’d do better the next time.
When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.
When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.
When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift my skirt up for her. She was pretty and kind, and told me that I could only be her friend if I did what she said.
I wanted to be her friend.
When I was ten years old, a relative demanded that he get a kiss on the cheek every time we met. He was large and loud, and I proceeded to hide under my bed whenever I learnt that he was visiting.
I was known as a rude child.
When I was eleven, my auto-man told me that we would only leave if I gave him a hug every day.
He smelled like cheap soap and cigarettes.
When I was twelve years old, I watched as a man on the street touched my mother’s breast as he passed us. She slapped him amidst the shouts of onlookers telling her to calm down.
She didn’t calm down.
When I was thirteen years old, I exited a restaurant only to see a man visibly masturbating as he walked towards me. As he passed, he winked lasciviously.
My friends and I shifted our gazes down, aghast.
When I was fourteen, a young man in an expensive car followed me home as I walked back from an evening class. I ignored his offer to give me a ride, and I panicked when he got out, only to buy me a box of chocolate that I refused. He parked at the end of my road, and didn’t go away for an hour.
“It turns me on to see you so scared.”
When I was fifteen, I was groped on a bus. It was with a heart full of shame that I confided in a friend, only to be met with his anger and disappointment that I had not shouted at the molester at the time when it happened. My soft protests of being afraid and alone were drowned out as he berated my inaction. To him, my passiveness and silence were the reasons why things like this continue to happen.
He did not wait for my response.
When I was sixteen, I discovered that Facebook had a section of inbox messages named ‘others’, which contained those mails received from strangers, automatically stored as spam. Curious, I opened it to find numerous messages from men I had never seen before. I was propositioned, called sexy, asked for nudes, and insulted.
Delete message.
When I was seventeen, I called for help as a drunken man tried to sexually harass me in a crowded street.
The people around me seemed to walk by quicker.
At eighteen, I was told that sexism doesn’t exist in modern society.
I was told that harassment couldn’t be as bad as us women make it out to be.
That I should watch what I wear.
Never mind you were six, never mind you were wearing pink pajamas.
That I should be louder.
But not too loud, a lady must be polite.
That I should always ask for help.
But stop overreacting, there’s a difference.
That I should stay in at night, because it isn’t safe.
You can’t get harassed in broad daylight.
That I should always travel with no less than two boys with me.
You need to be protected.
That it can’t be that hard to be a girl.
I am now nineteen years old.
I am now tired.
By Anonymous
Artwork by Mayka
Eloquent, Heartbreaking and for those many who are Blind to the World - Very, very Common. This does not shock me - I have heard this life story from hundreds of women, all with their own unique, sickening twists. I also have my own horror stories. Very few women have the luxury of fearlessness in the day-to-day. I am working on giving my fears to God - but that doesn't mean I am safe. It just means that when I get hurt - He has promised to Heal me.
God doesn't promise our hearts, mind and bodies won't Break in following Him. In fact - He warns us that they will. But He does promise to make us anew every morning. Every Moment of Every Day God is putting together the pieces that have been Broken. He is making us into the Most Beautiful Masterpieces - the likes I cannot even Imagine. And although my heart is still broken, my mind is still shattered - and people are constantly stomping on the pieces - or I am throwing them across the room in Rage. He is God. He owns my very Soul and Guards it with His Life. Sacrificed His Son's Life to Save it.
He's basically Santy Clause on Heavenly Steroids. Despite how much work there is to do to in a limited amount of time, He is easily able to keep up. And He ends up being Ahead of Schedule too! I swear I would NOT have believed you last year if you described who I am today. And so - Life becomes a Cha-Cha: I'm dancing across the Ballroom - Two steps Forward and One step Back. Slowly, but surely - I will make it through this Life.
I don't ask God for much. And I Certainly do NOT ask Him for something as Naive as General Safety. My Number One Prayer Request is that He reminds me why this Life is Worth It. I ask Him to Prove to me why I should care when it's Rough. And He does. Every Time. He doesn't have to - but He does :') And that is Enough. You can go through Anything when He answers a Prayer like that. Thank You my Lord.
Thank You for Your Faithfulness to a Scared, Weak, Rebellious girl - who, like so many others - is often Tired. Tired of this Game called Life. You give me the Strength to not only Survive it - but to even begin to Enjoy it. I never asked for that. Never expected that to even be attainable. But you saw not only what I needed - but also what I wanted.
Now I cannot Imagine how anyone who has You as their Savior - could possibly want anyone but You to be in control of their life! How do we - How do I - so often forget that you have me covered?! Don't let me forget Lord. Even if it hurts - don't let me forget why I need You. Why I love You. Don't let me run away EVER Again. Don't let me even want to! I beg You Lord, let me Live for You and Only You, all the Days of this Life.
Amen
<3 Not the End of a Prayer - simply a Pause between Prayers <3
Thursday, December 1, 2016
It's Science
So I've been thinking. Yes yes - Dangerous. But also Inevitable. I mean - I'm always thinking. 24/7 - remember? But this thinking, it's been a concept in my mind - a concept without words. That happens daily, if not hourly.I have so many thoughts and several times a day one of the through processes that has been ruminating for months, or years - comes to fruition. Today it's an idea on women.
Often I hear women chastised for speaking poorly of their husbands. They are scolded for calling their husbands stupid - for jokes about how men are Dumb and Oblivious. It bothered me - these chastisements, but I didn't know why. I mean - I agree it's wrong to say unkind things in General, much less about your own husband. But I realize why it's been constantly irking me. Why my mind has been so unsettled with every sermon or talk given where women are convicted for thinking cruelly of their hubbys.
Maybe you will agree - maybe you won't, but I feel quite strongly about this. If you've read my previous posts on men and women you will have a basis for this ramble - if not I encourage you to find them, I don't particularly feel like it at this moment, my mind is too full of this. But - for those who do follow me - you know I am passionate on the idea of feminism - and how it has been done poorly. No - it was done Completely WRONG.
We ARE Equal to men and we are NOT treated as an equal. I'm Totally NOT Ok with that. We are also only treated as an equal if we act LIKE a man! We have sought equality by trying to gain the Strengths of a MAN instead of fighting to show that a Woman's Strengths are SO Worth of Equality!! And they ARE. Our Emotions, our shitload of thinking, our introspection and understanding. Our CARING. These are NOT Worthless!!! And Shame on the FOOL who thinks so.
But we are taught that they are. We are taught that our Strengths are Worth Little. That we Care TOO Much. That we are Dramatic and Sensitive and that is a BAD thing that we should Apologize for!! You Fool. Society teaches us that to earn respect you must be unemotional, practical, oh and my favorite - LOGICAL. As if those are the only things worthy of listening to. You Fool. If you aren't mature enough yet to understand that - don't bother reading more. And I'm honestly a bit too angry to address you kindly.
So what does this have to do with my second paragraph? Oh - it surely does. And maybe you can follow my mind. I am not only a woman - but crazy broken. The white rabbit goes fast down the paths of my inner Wonderland. Women are taught that their Strengths are not Worthy. That what makes them Amazing is Worthless. This often leads to them thinking they, themselves are Worthless. As I did. But then, there are times where this pattern is broken. Something happens in a woman's life where she realizes this is wrong.
Maybe she has a white rabbit like mine or maybe someone impacted her life in an Amazing way. I don't know. But there is a point in many women's lives, or several - where they start to understand that their strengths are to be Valued. To be Praised. That their God-given Talents that society - in the World and within even The Church - have trampled upon. Strengths they have mocked and scorned - are actually to be Praised. They figure it out. And these women(me included) then overcompensate.
I talk about lines in life constantly. We walk a tight-rope between extremes. And we are not acrobats...so we fall off...Cooooonstantly. For Example - there is a line between being to legalistic and stick-up-your-ass and being too lenient and forgiving. You have to find the inbetween. And very rarely when you are leaning really far too one direction - can you find your balance again. Like a tightrope - you teeter, arms pinwheeling - trying to regain your balance, but often unable to do so. And in order to regain your balance when falling - Physics will tell you, in words far more eloquent - that you have to shift your weight just enough the opposite way to get back to where you need to be.
Now - if you've ever walked on the side plank of a railing-less bridge above a creek in the middle winter, lean too far over and try to right yourself - you'll know this is not easy whatsoever. Yes - I fell off. Well - I realized I couldn't right myself after pinwheeling for a hott-second and have always been a difficult, stubborn gal who needed to be in control and hated ANYone deciding things for her - Even Gravity. So I jumped in of course. Anyways - it's not easy to right yourself when your balancing.
If I haven't drilled it in. Whether it has to do with physical balance or balance of ideas, a Balance in Life - when we lean too far in one direction, and realize we are about to fall - we tend to overcompensate too much - trying to regain our balance. Science. And women do this. We are belittled for our strengths and in trying to regain our balance, we overcompensate by putting down men for theirs and belittling the weaknesses they do have.
I do not believe this is right. I just wanted to talk about the whole picture. People struggle to rewire their thoughts to follow God correctly. It's good to talk about this, it's not good to scold someone on something without seeing the why. Don't just tell someone their wrong without a solution. And NO Sweetheart - the solution is not "Well just don't do it". Um. Seriously? Who the fuck says that? I know people do. People do it to me. If you do - Stop. Stop Immediately. Do you see the irony? Yes - I was making a point.
Be empathetic - find out the root causes. Don't call someone out without all the facts. Realize that they likely don't have all the facts. Don't be the shallow type of missionary who goes overseas for a moment to help people, leaving nothing behind to guide them after they return to their first-world country. If you want to help - HELP. But that doesn't mean pointing out a problem without any help finding a solution. I would say that's quite the opposite of Helping someone.
Anyways - Passion spent. I'm done. I'll leave you with one more thought...
Often I hear women chastised for speaking poorly of their husbands. They are scolded for calling their husbands stupid - for jokes about how men are Dumb and Oblivious. It bothered me - these chastisements, but I didn't know why. I mean - I agree it's wrong to say unkind things in General, much less about your own husband. But I realize why it's been constantly irking me. Why my mind has been so unsettled with every sermon or talk given where women are convicted for thinking cruelly of their hubbys.
Maybe you will agree - maybe you won't, but I feel quite strongly about this. If you've read my previous posts on men and women you will have a basis for this ramble - if not I encourage you to find them, I don't particularly feel like it at this moment, my mind is too full of this. But - for those who do follow me - you know I am passionate on the idea of feminism - and how it has been done poorly. No - it was done Completely WRONG.
We ARE Equal to men and we are NOT treated as an equal. I'm Totally NOT Ok with that. We are also only treated as an equal if we act LIKE a man! We have sought equality by trying to gain the Strengths of a MAN instead of fighting to show that a Woman's Strengths are SO Worth of Equality!! And they ARE. Our Emotions, our shitload of thinking, our introspection and understanding. Our CARING. These are NOT Worthless!!! And Shame on the FOOL who thinks so.
But we are taught that they are. We are taught that our Strengths are Worth Little. That we Care TOO Much. That we are Dramatic and Sensitive and that is a BAD thing that we should Apologize for!! You Fool. Society teaches us that to earn respect you must be unemotional, practical, oh and my favorite - LOGICAL. As if those are the only things worthy of listening to. You Fool. If you aren't mature enough yet to understand that - don't bother reading more. And I'm honestly a bit too angry to address you kindly.
So what does this have to do with my second paragraph? Oh - it surely does. And maybe you can follow my mind. I am not only a woman - but crazy broken. The white rabbit goes fast down the paths of my inner Wonderland. Women are taught that their Strengths are not Worthy. That what makes them Amazing is Worthless. This often leads to them thinking they, themselves are Worthless. As I did. But then, there are times where this pattern is broken. Something happens in a woman's life where she realizes this is wrong.
Maybe she has a white rabbit like mine or maybe someone impacted her life in an Amazing way. I don't know. But there is a point in many women's lives, or several - where they start to understand that their strengths are to be Valued. To be Praised. That their God-given Talents that society - in the World and within even The Church - have trampled upon. Strengths they have mocked and scorned - are actually to be Praised. They figure it out. And these women(me included) then overcompensate.
I talk about lines in life constantly. We walk a tight-rope between extremes. And we are not acrobats...so we fall off...Cooooonstantly. For Example - there is a line between being to legalistic and stick-up-your-ass and being too lenient and forgiving. You have to find the inbetween. And very rarely when you are leaning really far too one direction - can you find your balance again. Like a tightrope - you teeter, arms pinwheeling - trying to regain your balance, but often unable to do so. And in order to regain your balance when falling - Physics will tell you, in words far more eloquent - that you have to shift your weight just enough the opposite way to get back to where you need to be.
Now - if you've ever walked on the side plank of a railing-less bridge above a creek in the middle winter, lean too far over and try to right yourself - you'll know this is not easy whatsoever. Yes - I fell off. Well - I realized I couldn't right myself after pinwheeling for a hott-second and have always been a difficult, stubborn gal who needed to be in control and hated ANYone deciding things for her - Even Gravity. So I jumped in of course. Anyways - it's not easy to right yourself when your balancing.
If I haven't drilled it in. Whether it has to do with physical balance or balance of ideas, a Balance in Life - when we lean too far in one direction, and realize we are about to fall - we tend to overcompensate too much - trying to regain our balance. Science. And women do this. We are belittled for our strengths and in trying to regain our balance, we overcompensate by putting down men for theirs and belittling the weaknesses they do have.
I do not believe this is right. I just wanted to talk about the whole picture. People struggle to rewire their thoughts to follow God correctly. It's good to talk about this, it's not good to scold someone on something without seeing the why. Don't just tell someone their wrong without a solution. And NO Sweetheart - the solution is not "Well just don't do it". Um. Seriously? Who the fuck says that? I know people do. People do it to me. If you do - Stop. Stop Immediately. Do you see the irony? Yes - I was making a point.
Be empathetic - find out the root causes. Don't call someone out without all the facts. Realize that they likely don't have all the facts. Don't be the shallow type of missionary who goes overseas for a moment to help people, leaving nothing behind to guide them after they return to their first-world country. If you want to help - HELP. But that doesn't mean pointing out a problem without any help finding a solution. I would say that's quite the opposite of Helping someone.
Anyways - Passion spent. I'm done. I'll leave you with one more thought...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)