A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

Two Extremes

versefirst

It feels good to do good doesn’t it? But what about the times when doing the right thing hurts us? You treat someone with kindness and they’re rude in return. You speak up for a mistreated person or group and end up losing your reputation. 

Throughout history people have endured violence, arrest, imprisonment and worse for standing up for what’s right. Figures like Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr and Mother Teresa stand out as icons of doing good, no matter the cost. 

This beatitude encourages us to keep on doing good, whatever the cost. And to believe that doing the right thing is more important than any opposition we may face.

#versefirst #lightrevolution#thelightrevolution #beatitudes #nlt#justice #blessed #serveoneanother#radicallove #faith #jesus#christiancreative#30daysofbiblelettering #instapray#goodnewsfeed #hereadstruth #life

We are called to Follow God and to treat others as He would. Even if we are mistreated in return, we are to be kind. Even if we lose our reputation in a world where this easily happens when Standing up for what is Right. And this includes your friends, your family. This includes our CHRISTIAN friends and family. The Church may be built on the Cornerstone, but is comprised of sinners until the day we are Freed from sin. They will Mess up -- BigTime. Because we ALL do. Even church can become an idol, particularly if you insist on seeing the people within as those who can do no wrong. We may be set apart by God, but we are NO Better than ANYONE. If you are unwilling to grasp that - God will be having a Serious sit-down with you in the future. Do what is Right and Good. Ask #WhatWouldJesusDo? Follow God, when in the World AND sitting in the pew at church. No matter the Cost. God warns us the Path of Righteousness is NOT easy. It's Hella Hard. If you're Life is all Fun and Games, you may want to Question if you have your Priorities in Order.

And if you're on the Opposite End of this Spectrum. If you Struggle to let yourself Relax, just for a Moment, because There is SO Much to DO. I mean, cause...How can I Relax when I still need to call them, write that email, finish this paperwork, take the car there, the dog/cat/child needs this, my Entire house is a Disaster, Oh I feel a Headache building, I should probably eat something today, but I can do that after that appointment. Maybe - I need to stop and pick that thing up first, oh my gosh I forget his/her Birthday is next week. I need to get that too. If the car makes it. It sounded iffy this morning. I guess I should get it looked at. I can probably squeeze that in before the party tonight. Shoot - I have to get that ingredient for the dish I promised I'd make. I should have just offered to just bring the soda. No, it's cool. If I just rearrange those two, I can squeeze in some baking. Oh, but I forgot I have to drop that off! Today was the last day I can! Well - the party isn't formal. I can cut out time if I just do basic makeup, nix the shower in favor of dry shampoo. Oh wait - we were talking about time to Relax? Um. Yeah - No. I don't think that's gonna work. My Life already IS Hella Hard. I don't need to make it harder by trying to squeeze in Relaxation. It's gonna be Hard Enough finding time to have a Breakdown Later.

Yeah - SweetHeart. Breathe. If you're the type who Struggles more with allowing yourself a Break. I still Recommend a sit-down with God. But - ask Him for Help. People who tend towards this Extreme often have a Hard Time thinking they don't have to DO it ALL. That Life and Death of their hominee, children, friends, the World - rests on their shoulders. Not necessarily out of Pride either. A lack of Trust is NOT always rooted in Pride. But be aware that when you don't or can't allow yourself room to Breathe - you're not Giving Everything to God. When you give Him charge of your schedule - I know from Experience He's really Great about penciling in Times of Rest. But that will mean giving up Control. And from a Gal who has Worshiped Control on the Alter of Fear - and still Has a Friggin Hella Hard Time giving it up - I'll tell you that it won't be Easy. If I could get Easy Buttons for Everyone for Christmas I Totally would.

Life is not meant to be Easy. But it also isn't meant to Drive you to Insanity. There is an Inbetween to these Extremes. And No Matter which way you lean, for nobody walks the Lines of Life with Perfect Balance except our One and Only Savior -- and whether you lean one way or the other, or fluctuate in your attempt to Follow God, to act as Jesus and Find that Perfect Balance on Life's tight rope. In the End -- it's not a TightRope after all. It's just another Battle in a War that is Already WON. So while we do have to keep Fighting for God. While we DO have to Ask "What Would Jesus Do?" and look to Him with how to Find Balance. While Becoming a Christian does NOT mean God will Snap His Fingers and POOF - all your sin and Heartache is now Gone. We have more than HOPE. We have Assurance. We have God Almighty's Promise that there is an End to this Madness and then we can Go HOME.

When you get Overwhelmed with the Day to Day -- Remember the BigPicture. Our Story is not over yet, but the Ending is Already Written. And Spoiler Alert: It's a Happy Ending :)

Fear

I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.

Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.

Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.

I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.

When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.

Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.

I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.

You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!

You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.

But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.

So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.

When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.

And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.

And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.

But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.

I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.

No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.

But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.

There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.

Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.

One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.

With all my Imperfect Love

Life, Love & The Pursuit of Him

Or should I say - His pursuit of me?

"Because He Lives"

~Matt Maher

*Adapted for myself

I believe in the Son.

I've always believed in the Risen One.

I believe I am overcome *grimace*

By the power of His Blood.

Amen. Amen?

I still live. Fuck - I only live...Because He lives
Amen...Amen.
PLEASE - let my song join the one that never ends.
Because He LIVES.

I was dead in the grave.

I was covered in sin and shame.
I heard Mercy...call my name?
He rolled the stone away...

Amen...Amen?!

I’m alive! I’m Alive!

Because He Lives *trembling*

Amen! AMEN!
Let my song join the one that Never ends!
Because He LIVES!!

I can now face tomorrow -

Because He Lives!
Life is Worth the #Pain - 
When I know He holds my life, my future in His Hands!!

Amen!! Amen!!

I’m Alive! I’m ALIVE!!
Because He Lives :')
Amen!! Amen!!!
Let my song join the one that never ends!!!!

Amen <3 Amen

I'm Glad I'm Alive -
Because He LIVES
Amen <3 Amen

Let my song join the One that never ends <3

Because He LIVES
Because He #LOVES

I have hated myself for So Long now. I don't even remember a time when I thought I was worth Anything. I don't remember the last time I went a day without feeling Complete Shame & Guilt. Our pastor spoke about that this morn. The title to this sermon was "I see you" and he discussed the different responses people have to that idea. Some people like to be seen - others want to hide. I have been in hiding for a very long time because of my pain. Because I don't want people to see my #Brokenness.

Those who know me - they assume I'm talking about my "history". No. I would say any sin I've committed holds not even a flicker of shame to the overwhelming hatred I have for the parts about me God #LOVES. The parts God Created. My friend once told me I have a #TenderHeart. I flinched visibly when she said that. Even now I found myself cringing as I typed that phrase. I have hated myself for So Long. I was the "sensitive" one. The one that cried over "ridiculous" things. The "dramatic" one. The girl who "just wants attention".

Yes - I did want attention. I wanted people to see ME. To see who I was and still love me. Instead I got ridicule. I was teased mercilessly for Caring. I got "jokes" about who I was. And over time, I learned to laugh instead of cry. I learned to make fun of who God made me to be. I would rather have the love of others than the love of my Creator(typical human attitude). And people proved that they couldn't love who God had created me to be. So - I learned to Hate God-in-me.

I've been a Christian since I was about 2 years old. I remember the day I prayed for Christ to dwell in my heart. Sitting on my parents four poster bed with Momma and Luya. It made sense, I didn't think twice before accepting that Jesus died for my sins. From that moment on Christ started shining forth in me, but when I started running from who I was. Who He was In me. I essentially started running from Him.

And of course - He had to go and follow me! No matter how far I ran. No matter where I ended up. God kept dragging me back! Seeing Him only reminded me of who I had come to believe I was. #Worthless. And so I reminded Him why I was worthless. Over and over I showed Him why I wasn't worth loving. Over and over I gave Him more reasons to give up on me. Over and over I pushed Him away - metaphorically screaming at Him to leave! Actions speak louder than words - and I made sure He, and everybody else in my life, knew that I was just as unlovable and worthless as I have always believed. But while it is easy to show others how Worthless I am. And it is even easier to show myself. I never convinced God of that.

But I kept trying. And when that didn't work - I tried to give up. I tried to end it. Several times. He wouldn't even let me do that. He Fought for me. He fought for more than my life. He fought for my love. Oh bother. And loving Him - it means loving who He is In Me. And that - that I couldn't do. People couldn't love who I was as a youth and adding my history since then - No. No, there simply CanNOT be ANYthing Loveable about me. Anything that once was, I learned to erase. I gave up my loves. I gave up my passions. I gave up hope. I gave up God. But He STILL didn't give up on me.

Man - this Dude's the Epitome of Stubborn! Twenty-eight years we've duked it out - Him and me. I'm pretty stubborn myself. And I have a tendency to need to do things MY way. Whiiiich typically means learning the hard way :) . But - luckily I have more curiosity than even a cat. And you know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat. And satisfaction brought it back!" My curiosity for #Truth. My yearning to always know "Why?" That's how God lured me to Him. God is "Sneaky Sneaky, Sir." Don't underestimate the sneakiness :) .

And Definitely don't underestimate God. I mean - hello. He's GOD. When He wants something - He'll get it. And He told me years ago that He wanted me. I didn't understand why or how and so I rejected Him. But my life, the life of every Christian, the life of Christ - are testimonies of God's Love for us! He Loved me enough to die for me and I mentioned that in Sunday School today. What I think about Christ dying for me. Let me see if I can say this again. P.s. This is called a tangent - and I love those!

Some people think that because Jesus is man AND God - dying on the cross was perhaps easier for Him than the average man. I disagree. I don't think God is some average comic book superhero with extra strength, endurance and pain resistance. Jesus was human, which meant he felt every scratch, every crack of the whip, every barb piercing his skin. He also felt the pain of every person who spit on Him, who laughed at Him, who scoffed and mocked Him. And because He is God - Christ knew one of His bffs was going to flat out Bail! To save his own skin! Christ knew that Peter was going to deny Him(3Xs), when He was doing this For Peter. For us.

Do we really get that? I mean think about it. Your best friend - would they take the blame if you broke a window with a baseball by accident? What about if you broke it on purpose? What if it was the window of someone from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre's house? What if your friend was dragged inside and tortured because of Your baseball? And what if you were given the opportunity to trade places. Would you? What if your friend was given the opportunity to rat you out, knowing what would happen to him if he didn't. Would he? I think that picture is more realistic.

Christ took the blame, took the torture, for every baseball we have broken a window with, by accident or on purpose. And we stood there and watched. We stood there and pretended we didn't know Him. We stood there and Scoffed at Him as He was being tortured for US. And He didn't hate us for it. No, He took the pain out of Love for us. He took the agony meant for us. And He went through it Alone. Not even God could look at Him as He took our blame. God had to turn His face away as Christ endured the Cruelest of tortures and our miserable Mocking laughter. You may think you would never laugh in His face, but you have. I have. Every time we sin, every time we run away from Him, every time we try to separate ourselves from Him, every time we fail to #Trust Him - we are essentially saying: I got this. I don't need You to save me...when He already did.

People say that life's not like some big movie. Screw those people. Life is Totally like the movies. And my #Life would win an award at the Grammy's as a Top #Romance. The girl who loved all the bad boys, while running away from the only Man who could ever truly LOVE her. God followed me. The Holy Spirit wooed me. Christ saved me. My life is the Ultimate cliche romantic drama(emphasis on the #Drama). I mean, He friggin proposed to me and tattooed an engagement ring on my heart where I could never take it off. And even though I resented Him for that for years(total cliche romance). This day I am Finally SO #PROUD to be able to say that I Love Him. That I accept that He LOVES me. That I learning #Why He does. That the #Truth is that there are parts of me #Worth Loving. I am Valuable...because He is.

It will always hurt when people I love don't love me for Who God is in me, but it will never again be able to drive me over the #CliffsOfInsanity. Because Jesus is my Wesley. And it may be #Inconceivable, but He has "Good Arms". I am His #Bride. A princess even ;) . And I know that He will always come for me. He will always Love me - and that's More than enough. That's #Everything. Not a day goes by now that I don't cry with joy at the proof of His Love in my life. Not an hour goes by that I don't talk to Him. What can I say? He's my Guy and although I still fight with Him, and often - I Never want to be parted from Him again. He's the One Man I can say that I Cannot LIVE Without - because it's True. I will always Need Him and that's a Good thing. That's a GOD thing.

But let me remind you. Life may be a movie and it may have a #HappyEnding, but I'm not there yet. I'm still in the middle of my #FairyTale. Christ may have rescued me from the tower, and I may have stopped trying to hit him over the head with a frying pan for it, but that doesn't mean the dragon is beaten. That doesn't mean we've crossed the lava pit, or gone through the fire swamp. I don't really want to get burned or fall into yet another sand trap. And yes, I'm terrified of battling the ROUS. This world is No #Eden. Not yet. This world is not my #Home...Yet.

But it will be. Life is one Big #Wedding Preparation - with all the anxiety that comes with one of those massive affairs(anxiety times a thousand squared). But in the end...it will be worth it. To look down the aisle and walk towards the Man I Love. To know that He sees who I will become even now. That He is the one making my #WeddingDress because He is the one making me #Pure once again. I cannot tell you how much I long to wear that dress. To walk towards the Man who LOVES me. The Man who Saved me. The Man who knows my deepest darkest secrets, who has seen ALL my #Crazy, and is still willing to claim me as His Bride. Oh Fudge. There I go - grinning like an idiot again and getting all goosepimply.

I Love You, my God. You are my God. And I will Ever Praise You. I will seek You in the morning. I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You'll lead me. And I will follow you all of my days.

P.s. I will NEVER be OK with the idea of cutting someone out of your life simply because they hurt you. People verbally beat me daily. Every one of you has. I even have physical scars to prove it. If I surrounded myself with people who loved me perfectly - I would be surrounded by no one. And for those who look at this post and feel pain at my words. Know that I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you Every time you hurt me. And I know I give pain as well as receive it. But this post is not about you. This post is not even about me. This post and my life story - is about God. Everything comes back to God. And guess what - the reason it's so easy to forgive you every time you hurt me - the reason I find it So Easy to Love each and every one of you despite the pain it often brings me? It's because I see God-in-you. He's So Beautiful. Looking at the people I love most - I've learned to not dwell on the pain. I look for the Unique Beauty God brings out in each of you. How many conversations have I had that are far better than even the sunrise itself? I look at you and I don't see you - I see So Much More. I see a rainbow, with the most beautiful colors that bring tears to my eyes. I see a waterfall that falls into a crystal clear lake. I see an exotic flower, unknown to this world. A star sparkling in the midnight of the sky. A city that twinkles like gems as seen from far above. I see each of you through God's eyes and because of that, I will never stop loving you ALL. Which is probs a good thing - since we're going to be spending much longer than a lifetime together ;)

Sincerely,

Me