A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

Another of My Signature Rambles

Who else has those moments where an accident is about to happen but then disaster is totally averted because of your mad ninja skills? Yeah - I love videos where that gets caught on camera. But what about the times it doesn't? What about the times you're alone and a glass falls and you totally pluck it out of the air like you trained with Mr Miyagi? Who else finds they moonlight as a superhero who can leap a fence in a single bound, but when they try to tell people the truth of their Kent Clark facade - they look at you and laugh. Your clumsiness and incompetency is no secret and for some reason your Beastly Accuracy and Masterful Reflexes never come out unless you are completely and totally alone.

Anybody else have that happen? And every time - you look around and go Really? Did NObody see that - Again?! And then you hear Him. Faintly you hear the voice that's always been there, but you're adept at ignoring. He goes - I did. I saw it. And you go - oh but You don't count. I need actual people to hear and applaud this moment. I need fallible humans to cheer for this victory - not some Omnipotent Being who's Always there getting excited about Every. Single. Success. I mean, come on Dude - the Cooooonstant attention and Love is a little pathetic and beneath You, don't You think?

God can seem like the Ultimate, stereotypical "Nice Guy"

Maybe that's not always our reasoning for dismissing God as a legitimate source for affirmation, but who else realizes how much they reject God as "not enough". How much we turn to others for a stamp of approval, instead to the only One Who really matters. "God is All I need" may be cliche - but it's totally 100% accurate. And we need to live our lives this way. We need to realize that Nothing else Matters. A car or a house, a job or career, friends or even a family Pale next to the Son of God.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26 

I get this. And no - it's not a verse about hatred. It's a verse about Love. It's a hyperbole designed to emphasize how Much we are to Love GOD above all else. Love for your possessions, your relationships - your own LIFE - should be NOTHING compared to the Love you should have for our Lord and Savior. And there's a good trick to figuring out whether you are struggling with this. I use it constantly. I think about something, or more likely - someone - that I love, and then I think of a realistic situation where I could lose them. If I can honestly say to God - I'm alright if that happens. If you can HONESTLY say this is key though. I'm tired of hearing people lie to themselves and God, much less to the world.

So many people are like me in that they think ignoring something will make it go away. If I can't see it - it can't see me. Yes - I'm rolling my eyes the same way so many have to me. But we all do this. We all have a sin that we know is there, but we also know is Wrong. And for Some reason, we often tend to think if we don't acknowledge it, if we don't admit it's there - if we tell ourselves over and over this sin is wrong then maybe it will go away on it's own(...). Yeah - I'm giving y'all the signature Look. I know you don't really think that works, but let's think about this more realistically. Lemme think for a sec.

Sorry - this is not as much as a struggle for me - admitting I'm a fuck-up. If you've been reading this blog regularly - you know I struggle with the opposite. So lemme think of a generic example I see in society regularly. Or - I can use that earlier example. Perfect. Ok - so most all my friends will agree that only God's approval matters. We talk about it constantly. People remind me often. Anybody in my church reading this will agree - on a theological level - that God's approval is the only one that matters, yeah? Ok - hopefully you already see where I'm going.

How often does God's approval Not matter to you? How often is it Just - Not Enough. I can already hear your minds whirling, trying to defend yourselves. Trying to justify why you needed the approval of others in whatever situation. Because we won't admit that God's approval is NOT Enough for us. You Know it should be. I know the same thing. I just also know that I don't believe that on a more of a subconscious level. You can KNOW many things and not BELIEVE them. Not truly. And the first step to changing that - is to actually Admit that.

If you cannot admit that you have a MASSIVE problem trusting God or needing Him; Loving or Fearing Him. And FYI - we ALL DO. This is not me throwing the first stone but pointing out a struggle We - ALL of Us - Share. But if you cannot even admit that your most Beastly Ninja skill - that your most exciting career move - that your most romantic gesture - that anything you are proud of(Even in a Godly way) is pathetic next to the Love of God. That our good works are akin to bloody tampons. If you don't get that you do NOT Deserve your job. You did NOT receive a degree because you're smart and studied your butt off. You don't own a home because you Earned it for all your hard work. That's Bullshit and I'm calling you out on it. God gives and He can take away.

0:52

Everything you have, including your possessions, your relationships, even your life - Especially your life - are given to you by the Grace of God. And if you don't get this basic fact, you will never be able to apply all the theology you understand so well. You can have the Bible memorized backwards and forwards. You can have a Phd at Harvard, Princeton and the best Seminaries in the world and still not Truly Believe. You can preach the gospel with a passion and accuracy that astound the world - and still not Truly Believe. And if you are unable to say that you do not Truly Believe something, if not everything - then you are lying to yourself. You are lying to God.

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

Belief does not equal Truth. Neither does Understanding. A True Belief in God's teaching involves Understanding Plato's Apology of Socrates, in my opinion. I do not Truly Believe many things I should. And the first step is admitting that. Only then, can we begin to grow in that area. We're all fucked up in this fallen world. We're all sinners. We're all mad here. And yet - we're not all going to Hell for this. I don't know who is or who isn't. I honestly haven't even thought enough about Hell to know whether I believe anybody is or whether I may take a more messianic view on that idea. I'm simply following God every day. I don't believe things because I've read them in books and they makes sense. I believe what God tells me through the way He reveals Himself to me in my LIFE - Every DAY. I like theology - but that is Nothing to a Personal Relationship to my Lord.

And I know people are often wanting a relationship like I have with God, but don't know the formula. Cause there isn't one. I know that's hard, but you have to find God yourself - learn how to listen for Him your own way. The answer isn't going to be in my Blog. It's not going to be in a sermon or any of your books from LifeWay. You need to find how God speaks to you. I will give you a hint though - if it makes you Incredibly Uncomfortable - you're probs on the right track. A personal relationship with God is The Most Uncomfortable, Infuriating, Maddening relationship I have Ever Had. It's worth it. Totally worth it. But don't go into this thinking it's going to be all Lovey Dovey, Hunky Dorey. No no. As in "Oh Heeeeell, NO.". A Close Relationship with God is ANYTHING But. Obnoxious Sneaky Yaweh. Yeah - You are. And it makes me smile as much as it makes me glare these days and I no longer underestimate the Sneaky Sneak:

You know I love you BigMan - even if I do argue with You an Awful Lot

:D