A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

Growing Pains

I have been convicted by God. I often assume those I love and trust know what's going on in my head, but I'm definitely not telepathic. And honestly - so much goes on up there and I tell so many the bits and pieces I have time to tell people, but there's never enough of that. Time. I am learning and growing Constantly. And although this is a good thing - it's definitely NOT "Oh yay! I have this amazing opportunity of receiving disability so I can take the time to learn and grow! Thank You God!" No. It's Definitely NOT that.

Who remembers growth spurts when you were little? Yeah - not everyone will. Typically, the people who do remember are the ones who had massive growth spurts in a very short amount of time and their skin had to quickly stretch to accommodate their growing limbs. It Hurts. And the faster you grow, the more it hurts. It's called "Growing Pains". I remember those a bit, like an ache, but I didn't shoot up as fast or as much as many. I knew some kids who the pain was excruciating for, even one who had to leave school for an extended time period because of this.

We all grow spiritually at different rates and for different reasons. And it's alright to slowly grow over years. I simply don't have that option anymore and that's alright too. My therapy and spiritual growth are directly connected. When I grow in one - I grow in the other. And as I did not want to live last year and my functioning capabilities were at a record low - it was imperative to start learning skills to make life easier on others. And then - I decided to learn to want to live - and my therapy took a whole new meaning. It led me to Know God unlike ever before and now I am skyrocketing in my growth. And while I now see this as an amazing Hashtag Blessing ;) He's given me, it is still HARD. And it is Painful.

I am not normal. I am never going to be normal. I am not unique in this either. And I am beginning to not only be ok with this - but to really appreciate what makes me different. I have a grasp on many things other people simply don't get yet, and perhaps never will. We all have various strengths and weaknesses - and it's good to see how we can help each other. Not everyone can be a hand, or foot, or the head of the Church. I like to think I am the heart. I love to Love and although I still often do it poorly like so many, it is a passion of mine that God has given me and I have been working hard with Him on this skill set.

I've had this conversation with many of you and will have it with many more. But nobody hears all my thoughts. There are too many. Only God has that kind of time to sit and listen - and that's cause He's outside of Time :) . I have an hour appointment with my therapist every week and I cannot even catch him up on the Big Stuff that happened within the previous week. There is So Much, we've started concentrating on the items that I cannot figure out myself or with the help of others. Every time you see me - I will have learned something new. An old revelation will be tweaked or dismissed or built upon. I may have changed my opinion on a big ticket item I was once very passionate about. Things I was working through once - if it was last month - there's a Good chance it's not a struggle anymore. If it was last year - I may look at you like you're crazy for even thinking it's a struggle.

Time has taken a new meaning for me. And I think I often don't realize how little time has passed. Every day is So Filled with thoughts, conversations, emotions and God - that last week feels like last year and last year feels like decades ago. And although it is Super Exciting - it's also really really difficult. And it doesn't make it easier when people simply cannot keep up with where I am and I tend to forget that. I do not blame y'all for asking me how I'm doing with a struggle that I overcame weeks ago when I remember that you had no way of knowing. I think it's great that people are so loving to ask. The way I react is often because I feel like I moved on from that ages ago and I don't realize it was just last week that I asked for prayer on this matter.

I am going to work very hard in remembering I simply cannot convey all that is going on in my Life, in my head and in my heart to Everyone. I can only relay it to just One - The One. And I would respectfully ask that you keep this in mind when interacting with me as I may tend to continue to react with surprise when asked a question I have long since answered and placed aside to deal with a new round of struggles. I have many you know and I'm in Go-G0-Go Mode ;) .

I am not the person I was as a child. I am not the person I was in high school. I am not the girl from the party scene. I am not the girl you went to visit in the hospital. I am not the girl who decided to live last year. I am not even the woman who fell in Love with the Son of God. I am new every morning because of God in me. He is pushing me to grow faster than I like, but I will Follow Him ANYwhere because He Is My Savior. He is my Hero. He is my Love. He never gave up on me and I want to follow Him for the Rest of My Days and Beyond.

Thank you my Lord.

Thank you my friends.

And have a Good, God Day.

<3