Bullshit

I'm Depressed. There - I said it. Today - I feel like Fucking Shit. No - I'm not on my period. Nowhere close. No - no one was mean to me. Nothing big happened. Well - I worked on my therapy yesterday and that started this monsoon of emotions. After that things just spiraled down quickly because Guess what? I don't know what the hell I'm doing. Once a week I see a therapist for an hour who helps me with this shit. The rest of the week I stumble along on my own - trying to figure out how to handle these crazy-ass, horribly out-of-proportion emotions in a society that promotes a stoic attitude as reasonable, acceptable and any sign of emotions to be disgraceful.

So when it hurts - what do I do? Do I cry? Do I vent and yell? I don't know!!! It's not that easy when every person I know doesn't know how to handle emotions either. Not perfectly. I don't blame anyone. This is EVERYone. It just SUCKS. And these days are often just The Worst. Because it Hurts. It hurts SO Bad. I've thankfully Finally gotten to the point where I trust people won't leave me because I have a bad day and let it show. I am even at the point where I trust that there are people who still want to be my friend when I have months or years of drama in my life. And that is Incredibly Rare to find.

So perhaps it's too much to want more. Perhaps, in the society we live in today, with the generational sins that are so embedded within us - it's too much to ask for people not to be SO Awkward with emotions. Honestly - I know it is. Here I am - this crazy girl who just waltzes into people's lives and forces them to change for HER. How selfish is that? Please - Please Believe me when I say I NEVER wanted to do that. I never wanted ANY of this. If this is the Blame Game - I blame God. The Idiot kept me alive when I wanted to die. Over and over again. He beguiled me back to Church. He tricked me into Trusting people. But I never wanted to!!! I fought Him and still fight Him on the idea of Trust. On the idea of conviction.

I don't want to be the one to tell you this! I don't want to be the one to say that you need to GROW UP. That emotions are apart of nature and your inability to handle them is not only Spiritually Immature but Morally Wrong. And hell YES - I tell myself the same thing! I've never claimed to be mature. I've never claimed to be Better than ANYbody! Quite the Opposite. I know I'm fucked up. I know I'm immature. I know I'm Absolutely Insane. And for some reason - God loves me and died for me. Fuck if I know why. But He did. And so I grow. Even when I don't want to. I type and tell people what God is trying to teach me - even as tears stream down my face -- and I HATE CRYING.

Life isn't about comfort. Life isn't about fun. Life isn't about happiness. It's about following God - even when it SUCKS. And so tonight I'll probably go to my damn Study - full of my friends whom I adore. Friends I trust. And friends who get SO Fucking Awkward when I'm having a rough time. I will force myself to go, even though all I want to do is hide from the world today. I will try not to shake and cry as I know they see past the few defenses I've been allowed to keep around them by God. They see what I still do not allow many and sometimes I wonder if they know how Big of a Deal that is. I wonder if they think it's Easy. When it one of the Hardest things I do on a regular basis.

Oh - you don't think it's hard to Trust? Everyone has walls Deary. Everyone has defenses to hide their vulnerabilities from the eyes of others. And God doesn't like walls. God is The Only defense we need against the world. Sarcasm, control, anger, ambivalence - these are often masks people use to guard themselves. And they are Immoral. We have to learn to take off our damn masks and show those we trust, and show our very selves, who we are deep down. You'll have to get past all the shit that's hiding the Truth from view, but when you dig deep enough you'll find that you are a Valuable Child of God. You will never fully understand that until you take off your mask. Walls not only hide your vulnerabilities from the world - they also hide them from yourself. Out of Sight - Out of Mind.

Only when you can admit something, can you truly begin to change. And if you can't see how hard this shit is - then I seriously doubt you've ever tried to do this yourself. I admit I feel like SHIT. I admit I don't know how to handle it well. I admit it hurts me when others don't either even though I realize that's not their fault. But that also doesn't make it right. Admitting or accepting does not give any of us license to get off skot-free. My inability to handle my emotions well have been the driving force behind losing so many of my friends. Their inability to know what to do in an emotional situation did the same.

Relationships are a two-way street and when you add sin into the mix - there is NO Room for the Blame Game. Take responsibility for your part of the Blame in EVERY situation. And if you don't think you have some, oh Double Fuck Brownies - Look harder Darlin. If you didn't help shape a mess - you certainly didn't prevent it. And as a person living in a Fallen World - with God on your side? Oh Baby - you really CAN Move Mountains!!! We can Do ALL Things through CHRIST Who Strengthens Us! Do you not believe that? The Very Word of God tells us the Impossible is Possible. And with the knowledge that Christ is on our side - that is the knowledge that there is no problem TOO Big! That also means we will Always need to apologize for anything we choose not to turn to God for help with.

Your parents are fighting and there's nothing you can do? Bullshit. You got laid off and can't find a job and there's no way to provide for you family? Um - BULLShit. The countries going up in flames because your party didn't win the election? *Cough*BULLSHIT*Cough. The World is about to be hit my a massive meteor and there's no way out now? For the Last Time. Fucking Bullshit. There are many times in your life when your hands are tied and there's nothing you can physically do about a problem. But turning to God will Always be an option. And if you're not doing that - then you're already in a deep fucking hole of your own devising.

I know I don't do it right. Following God. I myself dig a hole and jump in daily. Thankfully God sees fit to bail me out every time. I say this regularly - that we just need to Follow Him, albeit even Incredibly Poorly. And that second half is not a joke - it's a Big Part of why I say that. We cannot follow God perfectly. Nothing I do is ever 100% right. Nothing I say. No problem I handle. No way I love. None of it can I do perfectly. I simply try to do as God says and pray that He will fix it when I screw up, either slightly or Big Time. This is everyone. And so I realize that people may be awkward around me when I'm having a rough day. I tend to get really awkward around others when they're having a rough day. This may be Wrong, but that doesn't mean it's not understandable.

So while I call people out and being Immature - I call myself out. And while I say this is Morally Wrong - I do not hate them for it. However - I will also tell anyone whom I trust and when I have more courage then normal -- this hurts me. You ignoring me, you walking on eggshells, you not knowing what to say or how to say it - these hurt me. And yet again - I'm not saying I blame you - but that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it ok. And if I haven't made this 200% clear - I realize I don't make it easy. I realize I'm a HUGE part of the problem. And I go to a professional for this once a week. I work on my therapy every Fucking Day. So I am working on this problem. Are you?

I wouldn't suggest anybody learn to handle emotions for me. Hell NO. I don't need anybody else telling me they've gone to therapy because of me. But if I haven't already mentioned this a dozen times already...I am not normal and I am not unique. There are millions and billions of people who struggle with the things I do. You don't hear about them for various reasons I could write a book on. Although - someone already did that. Go read it if you want: I Hate You - Don't Leave Me. You want to help people in this world? You want to apart of the solution to some of the Biggest Problems in SO Many societies? Learn to handle emotions properly. We all SUCK at it. And some point - we're gonna need to change that. And the sooner the better, cause it's taking us down and ugly path. I'm not looking forward to what's at the end of it.

But I know God is at my side and NO Matter WHAT - I will be OK. I still wish I could just go Home and be with Him now. But that is not my choice. And I am more than willing to stay here where He wants me until He's done using me for His purpose. Cause it's not about me. It's not about you. And that is probably one of the fundamental things to grasp before you can Truly Follow Him. So while I am Incredibly Miserable today. And while I have no doubt I will fight God on going to Study later, I will go where He wants me. Although I'd rather follow Him down a bed of coals right now. It would probably hurt less. Yeah - that was mean. It was also true.

Physical Pain is NOTHING compared to the Emotional Pain some of us feel. That is the fundamental knowledge needed to grasp if you want to start learning about emotions. You can't grasp that - I expect all that will help you is prayer. I certainly can't convey any better than I've tried in my previous posts how agonizing that type of pain is. Just because you don't believe me, doesn't mean it's not true. It simply means you have never experience it yourself and lack the ability to empathize. I can't handle this anymore. I hate being convicting. I hate crying. I hate life, the shitty-ass version of human love and all that it entails right now. I'm tired and I wish I could wash my hands clean of everyone and everything.

I know I know. Bullshit.

My View on Politics?

You know I'm crazy. You know I'm Intense. You ready to follow the White Rabbit down to Wonderland? You ready to see what I see in this World? Many times my view of the world is SO Beautiful I cry just looking around. I did that at Church these past two Sundays. I cried with my friends at Study this week. I cry when I see a rainbow, a butterfly, a waterfall. I believe there is Such Beauty in the World! Stunning, Breathtaking Beauty that brings me to my knees in Amazement. There is also Ugliness. Deep-seated and Lethal. The kind that has me curled in a ball, begging for God to bring me Home Now Please. And that brings me to my subject: Politics.

Me and my roomies were actually discussing this subject tonight. Not something we do often as we all have vastly different opinions on this subject. We also each have an Incredibly Low Tolerance for Conflict. Thankfully this discussion was fairly shallow and filled with laughter as we discussed The CheeseBerglar Army that I would lead when the Revolution Begins ;)

But in all Seriousness -- I do believe a Revolution is Coming. I have believed this and shared this thought even before I knew the candidates for this 2016 election. I've actually only voted once since I was old enough - and I regret that I did. People never like hearing that - you can't effect change if you don't vote and all that. I'm sorry - but I Truly Believe our Political System is too far gone to be helped at this point. It's going down in flames and I don't want to try to put out the fire with my little cup of water. And I'm thinking perhaps it was God who lit the match. Perhaps the Decrepit Building that maybe was once Beautiful - needs to be Burned to the ground - that we can rebuild. I know that's a terrifying concept. None of us like change and me high among those. But I see how it is often necessary - even if it hurts like a Bitch.

And I simply cannot see God continuing to allow the Disgusting turn our Country has taken. If you know me - you know Exactly where I'm going with this. Our Country may still be all about Freedom and Justice - but more so than that - it stands for Division. US against THEM. No matter who we are or even who "they" are. We look for fights and are eager to jump in when they begin. We are a Country that Thrives off Drama and Reality TV Shows. Sarcasm, humor, laughter have become weapons at our disposal. Education and knowledge, in able hands, can be more lethal than a gun. We don't care about Truth!!! We care about being right!! And no matter the cost...or who we hurt in the process.

You can see this in the way I declare my own stance. Everything has become a battle! It often seems to be all we know! Even when the battle is for Peace. I don't know how this will change, how it even can change - only that it must. We cannot continue this way. It's Morally WRONG. God will eventually put His Foot down and say NO More. And so - when the time comes and the Revolution for Change begins -- I won't flee our Country. No - I'm not gonna pack my bags and take the first plane out. No. Oh no. No matter what - I want to be here, in the front-lines, fighting for God. Whether the battle is in my own home, on the field or perhaps in the Cloud - I want to be Here...Fighting for Peace. God Willing.

As for this election? It may still shock some of you, but I don't see how. As a middle schooler I learned not to watch the news. Recently I was reminded why and I don't have to know it's on to start flinching at the very tone they use in their "friendly debates". Politics is Cruel. Political Parties have always been at each other's throats and it simultaneously makes me livid and breaks my heart to hear such anger at another human being. "Political Intrigue" is a romanticized phrase that describes the disgusting cancer that is eating away at America's soul. There are people who are within the system who understand right from wrong - but even they eventually have to "Play the Game" - in order to make a Difference. Games for personal gain. Or one step up from that, Games to make a Difference. But a Difference for whom? 

Black Lives Matter. We Support LGBT. Women Deserve Better. People just want a voice! So many injustices that need to be heard!! But what happens when there are so many crying out at once? In the end - No One is heard. It is just a insane-asylum cacophony of screams. You want to be Heard? Then try using one voice. Just. One.

We always said we America was the "Melting Pot".....What a Joke.

You can go ahead and pray for your candidate. You pray for your party to succeed. Pray that our Country elects a Great Leader that will put our country to rights. Pray for all those unrealistic and selfish travelling mercies. I will pray for Change at whatever the Cost. I will pray for Strength and Courage - that our Country will pull together when Change occurs - and does NOT Continue to Unravel at the Seams. 9/11 was one of the Most Horrific and Terrifying events of my youth, but one thing that stands out to me above all the horror that happened - was the LOVE that followed. Our Country stood as one. We reached out to each other. As a Nation - it was one of the most Unifying things I have Ever gotten to Experience. And while I will Certainly NOT be praying for that - I do not discount that it may happen again.

And if it does...perhaps I will get to play out my BucketList Desire of Reign of Fire Battle Cry Epicness after all. Even as a child I never wanted to die quietly in my sleep. I always wanted to go out fighting - fighting for God. What's cool is that No Matter What - that dream is already reality. Fighting does not have to involve a Battle Axe. My weapon of choice these days, is Prayer - and I would be happy to leave this World and Finally join my God in Heaven - with my last words being that kind of battle cry. So, let me take a moment and pray to pray on my last day of life in this world. Whether it be now or a century from now(I beg of You - Please don't keep me here that long) - let me Praise Your Name with my very last breath.

Never Forget --- This is NOT our HOME. Do NOT get comfortable. Do NOT Fight for the World. Follow God and Fight for HIM. I pray this for each of this. I pray this for me.