Growing Pains

I have been convicted by God. I often assume those I love and trust know what's going on in my head, but I'm definitely not telepathic. And honestly - so much goes on up there and I tell so many the bits and pieces I have time to tell people, but there's never enough of that. Time. I am learning and growing Constantly. And although this is a good thing - it's definitely NOT "Oh yay! I have this amazing opportunity of receiving disability so I can take the time to learn and grow! Thank You God!" No. It's Definitely NOT that.

Who remembers growth spurts when you were little? Yeah - not everyone will. Typically, the people who do remember are the ones who had massive growth spurts in a very short amount of time and their skin had to quickly stretch to accommodate their growing limbs. It Hurts. And the faster you grow, the more it hurts. It's called "Growing Pains". I remember those a bit, like an ache, but I didn't shoot up as fast or as much as many. I knew some kids who the pain was excruciating for, even one who had to leave school for an extended time period because of this.

We all grow spiritually at different rates and for different reasons. And it's alright to slowly grow over years. I simply don't have that option anymore and that's alright too. My therapy and spiritual growth are directly connected. When I grow in one - I grow in the other. And as I did not want to live last year and my functioning capabilities were at a record low - it was imperative to start learning skills to make life easier on others. And then - I decided to learn to want to live - and my therapy took a whole new meaning. It led me to Know God unlike ever before and now I am skyrocketing in my growth. And while I now see this as an amazing Hashtag Blessing ;) He's given me, it is still HARD. And it is Painful.

I am not normal. I am never going to be normal. I am not unique in this either. And I am beginning to not only be ok with this - but to really appreciate what makes me different. I have a grasp on many things other people simply don't get yet, and perhaps never will. We all have various strengths and weaknesses - and it's good to see how we can help each other. Not everyone can be a hand, or foot, or the head of the Church. I like to think I am the heart. I love to Love and although I still often do it poorly like so many, it is a passion of mine that God has given me and I have been working hard with Him on this skill set.

I've had this conversation with many of you and will have it with many more. But nobody hears all my thoughts. There are too many. Only God has that kind of time to sit and listen - and that's cause He's outside of Time :) . I have an hour appointment with my therapist every week and I cannot even catch him up on the Big Stuff that happened within the previous week. There is So Much, we've started concentrating on the items that I cannot figure out myself or with the help of others. Every time you see me - I will have learned something new. An old revelation will be tweaked or dismissed or built upon. I may have changed my opinion on a big ticket item I was once very passionate about. Things I was working through once - if it was last month - there's a Good chance it's not a struggle anymore. If it was last year - I may look at you like you're crazy for even thinking it's a struggle.

Time has taken a new meaning for me. And I think I often don't realize how little time has passed. Every day is So Filled with thoughts, conversations, emotions and God - that last week feels like last year and last year feels like decades ago. And although it is Super Exciting - it's also really really difficult. And it doesn't make it easier when people simply cannot keep up with where I am and I tend to forget that. I do not blame y'all for asking me how I'm doing with a struggle that I overcame weeks ago when I remember that you had no way of knowing. I think it's great that people are so loving to ask. The way I react is often because I feel like I moved on from that ages ago and I don't realize it was just last week that I asked for prayer on this matter.

I am going to work very hard in remembering I simply cannot convey all that is going on in my Life, in my head and in my heart to Everyone. I can only relay it to just One - The One. And I would respectfully ask that you keep this in mind when interacting with me as I may tend to continue to react with surprise when asked a question I have long since answered and placed aside to deal with a new round of struggles. I have many you know and I'm in Go-G0-Go Mode ;) .

I am not the person I was as a child. I am not the person I was in high school. I am not the girl from the party scene. I am not the girl you went to visit in the hospital. I am not the girl who decided to live last year. I am not even the woman who fell in Love with the Son of God. I am new every morning because of God in me. He is pushing me to grow faster than I like, but I will Follow Him ANYwhere because He Is My Savior. He is my Hero. He is my Love. He never gave up on me and I want to follow Him for the Rest of My Days and Beyond.

Thank you my Lord.

Thank you my friends.

And have a Good, God Day.

<3

Random Thinking Session

I am constantly convicted of my lack of empathy for others. This is one of the hardest things for me to have pointed out by God, since it’s one of the things that frustrates me most about this world and our society. The lack of empathy we have for others; the inability to see from another person’s point of view or put yourself in their shoes frustrates me more than almost any other fault. And I do it. All the time. Bollucks. Why can’t we be perfect as soon as we become Christians again? No matter. So this particular #ShowerThinkingSession I was again thinking about the differences between men and women and that led to all sorts of unique aspects between individuals, regardless of gender, and why we are the way we are. Yes, this is my mind through every waking, and many sleeping moments. Course it goes about 100xs faster than this and bounces back and forth from subject to subject like a game of #HotPotato. But I digress.

We all have a tendency to want to be shown Love the way we understand it - which is typically the way we show it ourselves aka. #LoveLanguages (there are a whole bunch of books on this subject if this is not something you’ve heard of before). But it goes further than those 5 Love Languages we’re always talking about. As women, we have a tendency to think we aren’t loved by men if they don’t say “I Love you” as much as we’d like. If they don’t notice our new haircut or if we lost weight. We get upset when they used a coupon for a special night out or they bragged that our birthday gift was on sale. Those things don’t scream Love to us. They scream practicality which is the opposite of Love to many women.

But men aren’t women. They are men and I’m finally realizing that this often makes them different in ways I’ve never understood before. Being practical or logical or unobservant doesn’t mean they don’t love us - it just makes them men. I agree with the comedians who say women often describe their ideal mate as a woman - even when attracted to the male species, because we lack empathy to understand that their minds simply don’t work the same way as ours.

1:01:30 - 1:03:50

Course, men have this same misunderstanding themselves. Guys - you tend to dismiss an issue if it doesn’t make sense to you. I often see a superiority complex in men when they look at a problem and then decide if it’s worth their time to help, depending on how important it would be to Them. And if it’s not a problem in their eyes after a good bit of logical programming from their brains, then obviously it shouldn’t be to anyone else. And they will typically only change their minds if you can provide sound reasoning of Why it is indeed, an actual problem. Yeah - I’m sure the women are all feeling as exasperated as me at this point.

But, in the ends, it’s just a different hard-wiring system each of our sexes have. Men are logical and women are emotional. Neither is wrong and in trying to force someone to handle the world the same we do isn’t right and can lead to unhealthy results. We fit together with these two very different views of the world and life. But when we refuse to see how we are different in this regard, we are more like magnets that repel each other. Understanding the differences between our genders and, really, empathy in general - is what can often flip the magnets around to draw two people together. Opposites Attract is a very true idiom in this sense.

And I'm not even saying necessarily towards marriage or even between a man and woman. Love is Love. And as God is Love - you have Him and you can learn to Love anyone the way He loves us. We just tend to twist things as human beings. But One Day we will Love as He does. And in the New World, there will be no marriage because that is simply a restriction placed on us due to our Total Inability to Love each other in a 100% Completely Pure and Godly way. One day we will not have that restriction and we will not need it. We will #Love as God does. I’m looking forward to this more than even being Free from Pain. #One Day <3

A Ramble on Beauty

For those women who #Jiggle like normal human beings tend to do. No one's body is perfect. I have more stretch marks than the average mom with 2-3 kids due to my inconsistent, rapid weight gain and loss through the years. I like to think of the ones on my belly as pretty though. When they first came, they were bright red streaks that looked like a fire tattoo racing up my body. I called it my fire belly. Now it's more like lightening since the streaks have turned to white :) .

Wear and tear on our bodies through the years - it can be good and bad. But no matter if you have stretch marks, crow's feat aka. laugh-lines :D , a permanent furrow etched between your brows, or scars criss-crossing your wrists - they're all reminders of the life you've led. And that's a sample of some of the wear&tear on my own body btw. Of course, the happy reminders are easier to love, while the painful ones can be more difficult to be thankful for. But it's still possible.

Someone recently told me how they were able to be grateful for their own scars and I fell in love with what they said. They said that when they looked at these permanent reminders, they let themselves remember; not of the experience behind them, but that they survived it. Since then, I have learned to appreciate and even occasionally #Love my own ever-present reminders of events long past. They are reminders, that no matter how #Rough #Life gets, #God is there. Even when I gave up on me - He never did.

And honestly, if there is a way to be thankful for the Incredibly Noticeable marks declaring me to the world as a suicide survivor, there must be a way to be thankful for love handles and muffin tops. There is probably a way to be grateful for that mole we hate or a random birth mark. Those tattoos that seemed really good at the time, but maaaaybe not so much any more - I have hope for as well. The cigarette burns or that mark that we will never tell a soul the history behind - I believe it's possible.

We all have something we don't like about ourselves, if not everything. It is not vanity to want to be pretty. But it's unhealthy to not see that you already are #Beautiful. If you can't see that through your own eyes, then look at yourself through God's Eyes. If you still can't see how Gorgeous you are to Him, than the problem is not your appearance. No - the problem then lies much deeper than that.

I had to find this out the hard way. And for those who have only just met me, or seen only recent profile pics - scroll back further. Only now am I beginning to accept my new body image. I would be much happier with my 100+pounds back most days. And that's the truth. I never lost all that weight for looks. I did it in following God each and every day. I learned Long Ago that society's idea of good looks are Not what make a person happy. And having your ideal body weight won't necessarily give you confidence. In my experience - a "hott body" comes with a great deal of self-loathing and bitter hatred for myself. And it has been God, with the help of some of my girlfriends, who has helped me work through this fear of looking attractive whatsoever. I would still rather hide in a potato sack when I'm in public or around any men.

But God did that sneaky thing where I followed Him before I realized what He was up to. I started working out because it took the edge off the pain. I continued to work out when I realized I could get my independence back that I lost with my car. Over time it has given me the strength to manage the pain and to find joy in things I haven't been able to do in years - like softball, climbing trees, jumping up on counters, balance(in general), run(at all), etc. Although, truth is, these things I also didn't do for many other reasons: lack of confidence(Big One), lack of strength(cause even when I was this weight in the past - I had no muscle to work with), lack of wanting to live(ok - probs the Biggest One), etc, etc, etc...

The results of these work outs has effected my image greatly and honestly, I'm rarely grateful. When I was 200+pounds - I didn't get noticed when I didn't want to be. I didn't get venomous looks from other women. I didn't get backhanded compliments from them either. Neither did I get unwanted and cringe-worthy "compliments" from strange men that sent me into panic attacks or woke me up with nightmares from the flashbacks associated with those types of encounters. All these and more I get regularly now. 

But even though I'm absolutely terrified to look even remotely like a girl these days, I trust God with this fear. I look to Him and try my best not to look away when I go in public wearing anything remotely pretty. You ladies who struggle with your body image may think I'm not being truly empathetic. And I don't know if this will help but

This is me. And while I won't lie and say my life was super great then. Neither was I as upset about my body as others seemed to think I should be. And while I enjoy the weight I am a Lot more than I did that one - as that was an uncomfortable weight for me in that it was actually painful. Everything always hurt and there wasn't much I could do physically. However - I was much more comfortable going out in public than I am now. Among strangers or friends, this weight is a lot more nerve-wracking than that one was.

A lot of people think I don't empathize real well with body-image struggles because I look semi-normal now. No - that's wrong. I have a hard time listening to people complain about their body image when I have been up to 300 pounds and down to 100. Then up and back down again. And again. And all in between. I have a hard time listening to complaints from people who struggle with issues that seem so trivial compared to those of my friends as well as myself who are marked with permanent disfigurements that set us apart as different, in a bad way. And honestly - this is wrong of me.

I have been convicted by this pretty hard. Having hatred for your body image is NOT a trivial matter. Whether you have scars or not. Everyone has reasons for why they loathe themselves and the Pain that results is Devastating - no matter whether your reason is the same as mine. I will be keeping each and every woman in my heart who struggles with their body image - which is pretty much all of us. And I ask you to keep me in yours as well. We are Beautiful - all of us. And we need to not only remember this - but remind each other. For - I have no doubt - we each need to be reminded. And often.

God created us, men and women. It's not a sin to see ourselves as Beautiful. Our bodies are Temples for the Spirit of God, Himself! And from the sermon series we are currently in the middle of - the original Temple was Pretty Friggin #Ornate.

1Kings: A Tale of Power & Peril

If you are like me in that you do not know how to treat your body like a Temple, start by thanking God. For what? For anything you can think of. And over time you will be able to thank Him...for Everything. Even for things you could never be thankful for without Him. But of course, why would we ever want to separate ourselves from God? Even in the smallest areas of our lives? He is the Answer to Everything. From the most trivial or mundane questions of each and every day to the questions that unlock the Mysteries of the Universe.

42

Heeheeehee

Yeah - it's late. I need to head to bed before I start sleepy texting.

Trusting is Hard: The Sequel

I've been thinking about the issue of pride a lot lately. It's often said that this is the root sin of humanity. That, were you to follow every indiscretion and difficulty a person has with others, themselves and ultimately - God; if you were to follow these to the very source of the issue - you would find that it always comes back to pride. Pride in ourselves. Pride that we know better than God in every issue. Pride because we want control of our own lives and are not willing to give God control because we can do it so much better. I think this is pretty valid reasoning. But I also disagree. I think this reasoning is incredibly close to it's mark, but slightly off-course. I do not think the root issue of problems in this world is pride. I believe it is lack of Trust in God.

I know. I know. I already hear the arguments. It is because of our pride that we fail to trust God with our problems. But see - that is where I disagree. I think we have this backwards. We have pride because we do not Trust God. That may sound redundant, but it's not. It's actually a Big Difference. The Root Issue of ourselves and the world; our root sin - is a Lack of Trust. And this then results itself in a variety of ways - including pride, but not reserved solely to this transgression. Although I believe our inability to trust God often leads to pride, so often that pride has gotten mistaken for this deeper issue; I do not believe this is the only reason we have problems with trusting our Lord and Savior. There are a variety of results and reasons for mistrust. And they are cyclical - they feed each other.

The one that first came to mind and consequently has had me thinking about this so much lately is - Fear. I would say that I have pride like any other, but after a lot of introspection, my inability to trust God or others, rarely stems from pride. It is a result of my Overwhelming Fear. Fear of what they will think of me if they knew how fucked up I am? Fear of how they will respond. Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of being hurt. Fear of living in a world all alone. And for most of my life I placed God in the same box as everybody else in my life. I was just as scared too ask Him for help as I am still scared to ask others to this day.

Asking for help is not easy for me. And it's almost never because of pride. It took me a while to figure that out, because I knew it was a lack of trust that led to my inability to ask for something as simple as a ride, advice, or even a glass of water. When things get rough, the more susceptible I am to fearing others. This leads to asking questions I would probably know the answer to otherwise. When I am confidant in God-in-me I can walk into a friends' house like I own the place and I have :) .

When my day has been rough, when the pain has hit me hard - I will likely ask if I can use the bathroom and brace myself as if I was about to be hit as I do so. I know the reasons for these fears and I won't be explaining them in this blog post. But please understand that asking for help is not easy for everyone and your response can make or break a person's day, if not their life. I have learned to Trust God and I no longer fear Him as I once did. But I still fear you all. I fear those I love most. On a good day it's getting easier to get past this fear and trust others. And only thanks to my Trust in God. On a bad day - it was once impossible. God was the only One I would allow near me; the only One I would allow to help me. And this was good - as I needed to trust Him more than any other. And I do.

But now He wants me to learn to trust others. Not that He won't be there through every moment of every day, holding my hand; carrying me through the pain and beaming at me with every laugh that erupts. But we were never meant to live in this world as hermits. I've been convicted about my unwillingness to trust others and I have worked towards this ever since then. It has taken time - for I do not have very many reasons to trust others. Not compared to how many reasons I have to distrust them. I would appreciate you keeping this in mind in your interactions with me, as well as others.

As Christians - we are all different and yet we are all the same. We are all unique and we are all sinners being remade by the One Who knows us best. Some of us struggle with pride, some of us struggle with fear; we all struggle with an inability to Trust God. It is good to remember that we are all the same deep down, but the way our individual issues manifest themselves and why - can be extremely different. I often forget this and treat others the way I would want to be treated. But while the Golden Rule is a nice sentiment, it can get you in heckuv-a-lot of trouble if applied improperly. Believe me - I've learned this the hard way.

And above all, remember - there is no one currently in this world you can trust 100% in every situation. That doesn't mean you don't love them. An inability to trust someone completely with "life, love and the pursuit of happiness" does Not mean they are not very near and dear to your heart. It also does not mean you cannot trust them with a great many things. But we are ALL human. We are ALL sinners. And we are ALL going to screw shit up regularly. The only Being you should trust 100% with your well-being...is God. And if you are trusting anyone or anything more than Him, then life will get harder than it needs to be - if not Completely Impossible.

So - to wrap up. I've found it's important to:

Trust God above all others First.

Trust God-in-me as well.

Trust others carefully - while understanding they will fail many times in this regard and that's Alright.

And Love. Love is the Key to learning how to Trust.
P.s. God is Love.

Over & Out

Shalom

Peace out Homedawgs

Avec Amore Mon-Amis

Ttyl

Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera