My Role as a Wife

I have many thoughts on this. I have very strong opinions on the general roles women should play in the lives of their men, as well as the role of women in society. I have few opinions that are this strong, as these have been formed through years of intense experiences, relationships and an awareness that came with the willingness to change my thoughts accordingly. Awareness of myself, my beliefs, where they come from and why - are an important part of how I was able to learn to function and live again. I do not intentionally lie to myself about my own opinions, even when I do not like them myself. A person cannot change this way. And I had to change. Therefore - my opinions will often change, as they must.

For example - I cannot trust women, is fallacy. I always knew it was, but I didn't lie to myself about the fact that I believed it. And it took years for me to truly understand why I believed that, in order to change my thinking. And despite what many believe, logic won't help with many miss-beliefs. Just because something is not true, and you know it, does not mean you can formulate your way out of this problem as easy as 1+2=x. Beliefs are deep, intricate, complex and built over years and years, through not only experiences and teachings, but subconscious interactions and learnt-behaviors. To unravel a deep-set understanding of life, will take far more than simply knowing it is wrong. Which is Extremely Shitty in my opinion.

Although, awareness is the first and possibly most important step in the process. Which is why lying to yourself about this, is pure folly. And something that completely boggles my mind. Why anybody wouldn't want to change a wrong opinion baffles me. Why people avoid seeing their flaws, when that will do nothing more then work to inset them permanently - completely blows my mind. I may dislike seeing how messed up I am, but NOT seeing -- is SO MUCH WORSE! It's like dousing strong perfume in a car filled with the nastiness of farts and not ventilation. It doesn't cover up the smell! It just makes driving super uncomfortable, if not impossible.

But that's typically how ignorance works. Covering up what you know to be true with some lie to yourself. It's a coping mechanism. A life strategy. For various reasons, people employ this method, often to function. And it's really important to do things, like get out of bed and go to work when you're an adult. So to an extent, I do understand why people would ignore problems in themselves. How else would they be able to deal? And of course, I did it myself for years and years without even realizing it. I imagine their are countless of people who do this also. So maybe I can find some empathy after all.

So, to summarize thus far - I work hard to know my own beliefs: what they are, why they are, whether they are right, wrong; good, bad or ugly. Therefore, when I say I have strong beliefs on my role as a wife - these thoughts have been thoroughly worked upon, and will continue to be explored for a long time coming. I do not speak such things lightly, although I do often communicate poorly or with language that comes out far more black and white then intended. Thankfully when I do this, many have an easy time seeing past what I actually say, to see what I'm intending to say. But I am, of course, still working on it.

With that in mind, let me finally express my inflammatory opinion that my husband has the final say in our relationship. As I have friends on the extreme ends of both sides of this argument - I realize I'm placing myself directly in the middle of a warzone. And I do not plan on ever debating this. I have had many discussions on this in personal settings, but debating is not a strength of mine. So anyone reading who wishes this - I am sorry to deny you.

Do let me tell you all just a little more though before you depart in anger or contentment.

My husband has the final say, but the conversation is not over and no decision can be made - if I am upset. He must take care of me, my thoughts and feelings. I must help him see what he cannot and push him in ways he won't push himself.

That is what I believe. Strongly. And I believe it is a Good belief, and a Godly belief. Men cannot, and should not even attempt to function without women. If men are making decisions for women, then women MUST be a part of those conversations. And I know many women who balk at that. Because, let's be real here - pushing men can truly Suck. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT. Especially when I am resented for it! I would probably rather make a decision, than push my husband to make it. But truly - I just want him to do both. I simply want to wrap my arms around my knight-in-shining-armor and just be blissfully happy with wherever he takes me. But that's a Fairy Tale, not reality.

My Sam hates making decisions for us. But he must. I find it easy to make decisions, but I won't. At least, not for US. I am not remotely comfortable with making decisions for him. I have not explored why that is enough to write it here, but suffice for this ramble to say -- making decisions for Samuel makes me incredibly unhappy. And pushing him to make decisions often causes strife. Thankfully, we are learning how to do this better and better. I am learning how and when to push, that make it easier on him. He is extremely aware that he needs to be pushed and that I do not enjoy this. Thus, he has worked hard at not letting me feel resented for it. In the midst of being pushed, he has even shown his Gratefulness. Being pushed is about as much fun as pushing, and appreciation goes far to  bring relief and love to a tense situation. And in my case, also a very teary "I hate this!" as I hit the end of my ability to push him.

But this is how we do life together; how we grow together. This is how he he came to hug people, besides those he was crushing on. This was how we got engaged. This is how I was able to rearrange the dishes in the kitchen to integrate my own things. This is how we did not get a puppy. Because often the final decision is No, but not until I am ok with it. And Thank You God on that one. I like my family having puppies - I find no pleasure in having one myself.

Samuel has been saying No to me for as long as we've been close friends. And then he started learning how to say it with tact and love :) Now he's working on backing himself up with explanations that make sense, not just to your average engineer's logical thinking -- but to a person like me who understands emotional reasoning far better. It's not easy, but he tries. We both do. Cause in the end, that's how relationships work. We try. We fail. We look to God. Cycle Repeat. And hopefully, we get a little better each time.

These are just some of my thoughts on my role as a wife. Subject to change, not spoken concisely, or perhaps even well. But there you have it. That's me. That's Life. Not remotely perfect. But used by God nonetheless <3

An Unpopular Opinion on Halloween

My young childhood was interspersed with friends of many religions, as well as Christian denominations. My close friends consisted of at least one atheist, a jew, a wiccan and my best friend was Catholic. Our neighborhood was filled with children, as there was an elementary school smack dab in the middle of it. Halloween was a treasured Holiday there. The streets would fill with laughter and excited screams; children racing through yards as parents strolled along the streets, constantly reminding us to use the sidewalks.

Many houses were decorated, but very few were the kind of scary that could make a young child cry, as that was the main population for this community. My parents were an avid promoter of celebrating Halloween, without the "scary" elements. Granted - Dad did pull a couple tricks on us with fake spiders and popping up from places to illicit a scream or two (or more), but that was him every day of the year. Mom has always despised all things paranormal or associated with evil. We were never allowed to dress as witches, vampires, zombies or the like. And for years - family costumes were a thing. My favorite was when we did characters of Peter Pan, cause I got to be TinkerBell. Mom made my costume and it was Beautiful.

Every year we went Trick or Treating and for my youngest years - our church also had a Halloween Festival, that eventually got changed to the "Fall Festival" and then of course, died out shortly after that. But I remember how much I loved it there. They had all these booths and games. You could go bobbing for apples, fishing for candy, play a bean bag toss on the pulpit steps and ultimately - fellowship with your church in such a wonderfully fun family setting.

My memories of Halloween center around family, friends and God. Even as a young tween in Cary, I went trick'or treating with friends from my youth group. God was strongly present in this holiday, as He is in all things. And frankly - I don't understand why we don't promote this holiday within the Christian Community more.

God sent us all into the world to spread His love and Grace. I don't remotely believe this is about having several generations of babies and sharing the gospel with them. Nor do I believe God insists every one of us go overseas as missionaries. But we are ALL sent with the Good News. And as a wonderful speaker at our Women's Conference recently spoke on - where we are, is where we have been sent. And where sin is, is where a Christian must be. Sin is everywhere -- in our relationships, our politics, our education, our holidays - our entire life and our world, is full of sin and brokenness. We are not called to ignore any aspect of this. And we are certainly not called to judge or shun others as if we are better than them.

As Christians - we have a responsibility that will make our lives SO Much Harder and More Difficult than others. That means putting ourselves in uncomfortable positions and constantly hitting the wall with exhaustion before remembering to ask God for His Own Strength. It's going to be rough and totally blow at times, but that's not the point. We have Joy in His Purpose. We have Hope in Him. and the Big Picture is that we are here as His Broken Tools to fix a Broken World. And things like Halloween? This should be one of the most enjoyable ministries by far.

It doesn't take much to reach out to a community as my childhood church once did. Parents often don't have a neighborhood to take their children trick or treating, or not a safe one at least. It would not be hard to open up a venue and reach so many on this holiday. And for all the reasons many have for not wanting to support such a holiday - remember that there is NOTHING that God can not turn to Him. This is primarily how He works: untwisting what Humans twist, mending the broken and destroyed, making the impossible - possible. He is a God of Miracles. We must not ever forget that.

Just because we cannot imagine something - does not mean God has not already begun to implement that which is beyond our wildest dreams. Maybe at one point Halloween was about witchcraft or evil, only good for mischief or an opening for the paranormal. But for so many - that's not what it is at all. And it's not simply about candy or dressing up either. It's about more. It's full of excitement and anticipation, laughter and love, fellowship, community and family. And I'm not surprised. God is at work in this holiday, as He is in Everything.

And that is my unpopular opinion.

Suicide Awareness Month

It's become a thing - Awareness. Not that this hasn't always been an important concept. But now we have months that remind us to think about things we often don't. Or more often - would rather not.

I have seen a great many of wonderful and intense suicide awareness posts due to this radical trend. I say radical - because I think the change it inspires is just so. Like the #MeToo movement - it lets people know they aren't alone.

Loneliness is one of the scariest things in existence. Possibly the most terrifying at all, if you think about it. To have no friends, no family, no pets, no God - no one to love and show you love. I'm quite certain that nothing would be worse than to be completely alone. Maybe that's what hell is - the absence of God and everything He is about. Left all to yourself and your own brokenness. Wow. Too dark.

So that's a big part of awareness. It's empathy. It's connecting with others and learning how to know them and love them well. It's letting them know they have you. It's letting God use you to further Grace. Because ultimately - we all want to be loved, not only despite our bad qualities, but also as those broken by life.

Feeling like damaged goods can really take a toll on a person. Feeling dirty or too messed up to have any kind of relationships, be them romantic or platonic. It's incredibly helpful to have people reassure you that you're WorthIt. That you're strong in the face of tragedy. No one wants to be a "pity friend", but to have friends that truly see your struggles and decide you are amazing despite them, or even because of how far you've come in overcoming them -- that is of great value to anybody.

I've never enjoyed having friends who simply wanted to "help" me. It just made me feel more broken; and "less than". It enabled the Worthless identity I struggled to change. I cannot tell you how long I believed I was "the worst person in the room." I knew it, I admitted it, but it took years for me to learn to change that perception. I am not worthless, I am not "less than" other Christian women because of my differences. I am God's broken tool - and I am the most valuable thing in existence. Along with the rest of His beloveds :) Cause God's Love is perfect, unlike ours. So contradictions make sense with Him :D

Anyways - that being said. For those of you who I have met during recent times, when I have been quiet about my past -- my struggles of Worthlessness have culminated in multiple suicide attempts. Four I think in all, from age 18 - 26. Also countless psych ward stays when I knew my wish for death was getting too strong. That's all I wanted for those 8 years. I didn't want to be here. It hurt too much and I didn't have anyone who could help me learn how to cope. There wasn't help then. And there wasn't awareness. I didn't even know I was hurting most of the time. I just went from one fix to the next, constantly numbing the black hole ever growing inside me.

Most Christians told me to pray harder. One told me God wouldn't listen because of the life I led. I stopped praying then. I ran from Him. I saw a God who was doing this to me so I would grow. He was not a kind God in my eyes. I was hurt and scared of the God I saw at church.

But that's the thing. The God many portray was not the God I know now. He's a God who is beyond kind. He did not cause my Pain, it was a result of a Broken World. But He did take my Pain and transformed it to that which is Beautiful beyond words. He took years to earn my trust, which is not something I have ever earned or deserved. But He did it, because of Love and Grace. He took my Worthlessness and turned it into Value. He took my desire for death and gave me a desire to serve in this life.

I love Him. For all this and more. I am not who I once was. I am more. Because of HIM.

For all those who have lost someone - I am truly sorry. I don't know why God chose to keep me here, when He brought so many others Home. Although I have cursed Him for it far too many times and begged Him to change His mind even more. But I no longer seek death. And I hope any who still do have felt encouraged during this time of Awareness.

You are not alone. Even when you are. You may not have friends or family at the moment. But you have a God that loves you - even when you curse His name. And I cling to that - Every. Single. Day.

A Toast to the Broken

I have this Pestering BusyBody Who Loves me more than I can fathom. He's poking me, prodding me through others. People are asking about my blogs. Wondering about why I stopped writing.

I stopped because I wanted to blend in. I stopped because I was talking about marriage with my now husband, while feeling the weight of disapproval from people who were worried. People who knew a little of my abnormalities, concerned for my then husband-to-be. And I couldn't take it. I couldn't handle giving anybody any more reasons to not want me a part of his life.

And so I went quiet.

I know this was wrong - but it worked.

And so then there were all these new people who didn't know anything about me - and they still don't! Because I'm able to blend in again. I'm past the point where I have to constantly run and hide as my mind tries to rip me apart.

I've come far in my therapy. My life is no longer a sea of black and white - I now have empathy and understand how Grace works. I have become more flexible and therefore, break less often. I don't blame others for the pain they cause me - I hurt with understanding and love. And best of all - I understand the reason for Life. I understand why God wants me here. I understand this is not my Home and is truly fucked up. And I am beyond honored to be His broken tool in a broken world.

I am doing so well, that my therapist has started to suggest that one day I might not fit the criteria of a person with Borderline. This is a label that I've been told many times is not given easily, as it can never be taken away. A diagnosis that is more severe than autism or even schizophrenia - as it is far more lethal. Borderline patients die. That's the hard fact. We are unable to cope with the intense pain and we either commit suicide or die via lethal coping mechanisms such as drugs or adrenaline seeking highs.

There is no medicine to help with this. There is no way to take away the pain. It will be with us the rest of our life. We are emotional burn victims with no ability to heal. We can only hone an ability to manage the pain appropriately and learn how to function, knowing it could flare up at any time. My inability to regulate emotions - that won't change. But handling emotions - that is a skill I now possess.

My therapist recently said if he could check in on me by channeling how I was feeling into his own mind - he would instantly crumble and begin to vomit. I hate when people respond to "I'm not normal" with "there's no such thing as normal." There is a norm. There is an average. What I feel is not average. And suggesting that there is no normal, doesn't make me feel better. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, that death became such a relief in my eyes. Affirmation that I am strong in the face of such an intense disorder - that has been something I have come to cherish.

Because I am strong. Not by choice. Not out of pride do I say this. I say this because I need to believe this happened for Good. That God is using my Brokenness for His Glory. I am Strong because He turned my Pain into Strength. I love because He Loved me enough to save me from myself. I Trust Him because He taught me how.

I am not a product of myself. I am a product of HIM. And that - I can take pride in.

I hurt. More than I can convey. That is my thorn.
But the rose attached - is that I can love beyond what I can explain. I feel joy and excitement in such a tidal wave - it can swamp those I am excited for if I am not careful. I FEEL. Too much. But not all feelings are bad.

Furthermore - God has surrounded me with a community of His Own. I am no longer wallowing in shame, waiting for my next sexual fix. I haven't been called a slut or a whore in years. My core identity has changed from "Worthless" to "Valuable" - not in a way I understand, but in a way I am so very very Grateful for. How Grace works is known to me, but why is still completely incomprehensible. And I'm ok with that.

I don't need to know why God loves me. It's more than enough to have Complete Trust that He DOES.

I am not normal. I am incredibly broken. I am a used, bloody, dirty, instrument of my Lord.

So here's to talking about our dirty little secrets! The reasons we are Christians. For without them - we would have no understanding of Grace and no reliance on God. So a toast! To the Broken and Weary.

Jesus came for us.