He is Worth Everything

I had always wondered how I could have gotten through the hell years so seemingly unscathed. I mean - mentally these years obviously destroyed me. But physically I thought I had very little to show for it. I was wrong.

But like all things - it was just more complicated than I knew. I am not aesthetically harmed for the most part - but internally I was damaged severely in many ways. Ways that I am only beginning to understand.

Living in constant Fight or Flight mode for years on end, my own personal apocalyptic lifestyle - it takes its tole. So too will several overdoses. And then there was all the meds they had me on, not to mention the significant weight gains and losses.

Internally - my body is all types of fucked up now. Eating is an incredible battle constantly. The kind of nauseous and abdominal pains that I handle on a regular basis is often overwhelming. My body temperature has become unreliable and a Complete Clusterfuck. And the tension. Fuck man - that's the worst.

The kind of tension that is my body's regular state of being is so coiled, ready to flee or attack at any given moment -- is so Intense -- that the first time I went without -- I passed out with relief. And the second time it happened. The third. For several months I was regularly knocked out by the release of physical tension. And I had no idea how this was effecting me. That it even was effecting me. But it has always been the most brutal of all.

People know that I received SSDI. Because I cannot work. Mentally I am Broken and Physically? I am more fucked up than I ever realized....because it is my Normal. It's hard to see that something is wrong when it's all you've known for so long.

I am used to going weeks without eating because I can't force anything down. It is a regular occurrence to need scalding water to try to warm up my hands or feet. Other times I need an ice pack for my neck and back that feel like they are on fire. And when "my heart hurts" - I always knew I needed to be held even though I didn't know why then.

And all of this is EXHAUSTING. And yet - they are only the side-effects of everything I have been through and am going through. They are my Norm.

My therapist is constantly shocked by my strength. I ave never understood why. I feel so pathetic. So weak. So Broken. How can I be strong? I did not understand that my mind and body had become a prison of torture - my own personal hell. One that I have simply wanted to escape. Because IT HURTS. And I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of fighting the Pain. I'm so tired of putting up with the torture of daily living. I talk about battling Life - but it's not just about living in a Broken World....My body and my mind are my enemies each and every day. I fight to keep them from overpowering me into Despair and Death. I fight to survive the Pain. Mentally and Physically.

And I never knew. Because it is MY Normal.

So tired you guys. So tired of fighting. But that's where God comes in. My strength was never enough to survive. But His IS. Not only survive - but thrive. With God I can do anything! Even LIVE.

And so I am.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time.

Every new hurdle that reveals itself - I learn how to master. For He teaches me how. He reveals all my weaknesses one by one and shows me how to overcome them, which, sometimes - is simply having faith that I will survive them.

I am Broken. This I know. And I am learning all that this entails. But guess what? I am still Grateful. I would not trade my Brokenness in for a different body and mind. For it is these damaged goods that Wholly Rely on Christ. They are THE Reason I turn to God. Being Broken has been the Greatest Gift He could ever give me. For with it came the understanding of Why?

I have never been closer to God and if this means I must always be Broken - I say Yes. I say Please! I beg of You not to let me forget! Not to let me turn from You! If that means living in Perpetual Pain - Please! Please. Let me. Because in the Pain I see You clearly. And I NEVER want to lose that sight.

It is WorthIt. He is Worth EVERYTHING.

Thank You for the Pain

I had one of the Most Exhilarating Experiences of my Life yesterday. I let someone see a bit of the Pain. Only as much as I could show another yet. It scared her. And it was nice to know it looked as bad as it felt. What she didn't seem to understand was that it is my Norm. That it is a part of my Life I once was resigned to, then accustomed, and now I welcome - albeit only in certain ways. It is what I have to endure while I am here in this world. The cause matters very little. My life experiences and choices have led to insanity and such severe brokenness that includes heightened feelings. Feelings of Intense Pain that I have never been able to handle. Until I learned to Trust God. He gave me His Own Strength. And today I have marveled at this repeatedly. That I can be in SO Much Pain, so much - that my friend is afraid to leave my side. I can silently scream and shake and dry heave - and have full faith that I will survive. I can know that it will always be a regular part of my Life -- but also know that God miraculously gave me the ability to manage it. To scream and suffer until I collapse, and all the while Praise Him for reminding me Who HE Is. He is my God. I am His. He will protect my soul with His Life. As He, in fact, already has. And so I find, yet again, that I am Grateful for this Pain that has the ability to drive me insane - for it no longer does. It drives me to Him. Thank You Lord for the Wonder that is You. Thank You for twisting all that is bad - back to YOU. Fuck man. Thank You :')

Home Sweet Home

I've estimated that in the past decade I have lived in 17 different places. This doesn't include all my moves and everywhere I have needed to stay - simply the homes that I was invited to share for longer periods of time. None of them were of course, Home. Not for me.

This place I am right now? This place where I watch my kittens play, where I babysit sweet kiddos, where I sit on the porch and listen to the sun rise or the rain fall? This is the first place that has become a Home since I was 12 years old. Next month I will have lived here for 2 years. Twice as long as anywhere I have stayed since I was 17 years old.

In a world where we can never truly be Home, God has been SO Incredibly Kind to give me a place such as this....if only for a time.

I am a Homebody. This has always been me. A Homebody without a Home for so long. Because I needed to learn to rely on Him. And I can genuinely say that because of that - I will never take a Home for granted ever again. I will not feel entitled to one. Nor will I even assume I will keep this one.

For I no longer believe in Travelling Mercies. I truly believe it is not in our Best Interest to ask for safety or security. Quite the opposite.

I often beg God to never let me forget to turn to Him, and only Him. I ask Him regularly to never let me forget what I have learned. I have even become so bold and as to ask Him to give me hardship if I start to forget that He is God and the only thing that matters. This is still Stupid in my opinion and I don't recommend it. NEVER ask for hardship unless you understand what that means. Just don't do it. Don't. Do. It.

But I know how stubborn and stupid I can be. I understand how rebellious I am. Worse - I know exactly how Cowardly and Fearful my very soul is. How prone to Mistrust.  But I also KNOW that God is the only One Trustworthy. The Only ONE Who will never fail me. For that reason I ask for Hardship, for Suffering when I fail to Remember this. I beg for Outrageous Jealousy to never let me turn to another. Be it a person, idea -- or a Home -- ever again. Even....if that means Pain in order to remember.

For when God is Truly our Number One -- everything else just sorts of, falls into place.
Not easily. No, it can be very painful. And Hard. But there is a very special Joy that comes through Working Hard to Follow God. The Kind of Joy that makes Difficulties and Pain, not easier - simply WorthIt.

Thank You my Lord for my Home. And thank You for the understanding that it is NOT the Home I truly long for. OneDay you will finally bring me Home to be with You. But that day is not yet to be. So thank you for giving me pieces of your Awesomeness as I await #OneDay here.

Thank You Thank You Than You Lord for my #HomeSweetHome.