He is Worth Everything

I had always wondered how I could have gotten through the hell years so seemingly unscathed. I mean - mentally these years obviously destroyed me. But physically I thought I had very little to show for it. I was wrong.

But like all things - it was just more complicated than I knew. I am not aesthetically harmed for the most part - but internally I was damaged severely in many ways. Ways that I am only beginning to understand.

Living in constant Fight or Flight mode for years on end, my own personal apocalyptic lifestyle - it takes its tole. So too will several overdoses. And then there was all the meds they had me on, not to mention the significant weight gains and losses.

Internally - my body is all types of fucked up now. Eating is an incredible battle constantly. The kind of nauseous and abdominal pains that I handle on a regular basis is often overwhelming. My body temperature has become unreliable and a Complete Clusterfuck. And the tension. Fuck man - that's the worst.

The kind of tension that is my body's regular state of being is so coiled, ready to flee or attack at any given moment -- is so Intense -- that the first time I went without -- I passed out with relief. And the second time it happened. The third. For several months I was regularly knocked out by the release of physical tension. And I had no idea how this was effecting me. That it even was effecting me. But it has always been the most brutal of all.

People know that I received SSDI. Because I cannot work. Mentally I am Broken and Physically? I am more fucked up than I ever realized....because it is my Normal. It's hard to see that something is wrong when it's all you've known for so long.

I am used to going weeks without eating because I can't force anything down. It is a regular occurrence to need scalding water to try to warm up my hands or feet. Other times I need an ice pack for my neck and back that feel like they are on fire. And when "my heart hurts" - I always knew I needed to be held even though I didn't know why then.

And all of this is EXHAUSTING. And yet - they are only the side-effects of everything I have been through and am going through. They are my Norm.

My therapist is constantly shocked by my strength. I ave never understood why. I feel so pathetic. So weak. So Broken. How can I be strong? I did not understand that my mind and body had become a prison of torture - my own personal hell. One that I have simply wanted to escape. Because IT HURTS. And I'm so tired.

I'm so tired of fighting the Pain. I'm so tired of putting up with the torture of daily living. I talk about battling Life - but it's not just about living in a Broken World....My body and my mind are my enemies each and every day. I fight to keep them from overpowering me into Despair and Death. I fight to survive the Pain. Mentally and Physically.

And I never knew. Because it is MY Normal.

So tired you guys. So tired of fighting. But that's where God comes in. My strength was never enough to survive. But His IS. Not only survive - but thrive. With God I can do anything! Even LIVE.

And so I am.

One day at a time. One step at a time. One breath at a time.

Every new hurdle that reveals itself - I learn how to master. For He teaches me how. He reveals all my weaknesses one by one and shows me how to overcome them, which, sometimes - is simply having faith that I will survive them.

I am Broken. This I know. And I am learning all that this entails. But guess what? I am still Grateful. I would not trade my Brokenness in for a different body and mind. For it is these damaged goods that Wholly Rely on Christ. They are THE Reason I turn to God. Being Broken has been the Greatest Gift He could ever give me. For with it came the understanding of Why?

I have never been closer to God and if this means I must always be Broken - I say Yes. I say Please! I beg of You not to let me forget! Not to let me turn from You! If that means living in Perpetual Pain - Please! Please. Let me. Because in the Pain I see You clearly. And I NEVER want to lose that sight.

It is WorthIt. He is Worth EVERYTHING.