The God Memorandum - Remind me?

When it gets really Rough I often turn on the playlist that includes this Beautiful Song by Casting Crowns in its repertoire:

Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?
Or does anybody even know she's going down today?
Under the shadow of our steeple
With all the lost and lonely people
Searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
Does anybody hear her?
Can anybody see?

Sometimes the Misery, the Lonliness, Misery, Emptiness, the Pain - these can all be SO Great. We cannot see past it. We cannot look around us to see that others are crying out as well. Does anybody hear her? No. I don't. I'm often too busy screaming myself.

Sometimes self-centered is simply survival. Eventually we learn to look past our own Pain and see that others are hurting just as bad as we are. And as sin exists - no one is without Pain of some form.

A while ago this song transformed for me. Every time I hear it now, I am reminded that I'm not the only one. To each and every degree - others are lost and lonely too. We are a marathon of people all racing from destruction, silently and blindly - unaware that we are not alone.

And then we stumble and bump into another runner. Then another. And another. Eventually we learn, and eventually we see the big picture. Does anybody hear you? I do. Even through my own Pain - I am learning to listen. It's still faint and I often have to strain my pathetic senses to catch the cries of another. Thankfully, I'm not the only one listening...

"I hear your cry.

It passes through the darkness, filters through the clouds, mingles with starlight, and finds its way to my heart on the path of a sunbeam.

I have anguished over the cry of a hare choked in the noose of a snare, a sparrow tumbled from the nest of its mother, a child thrashing helplessly in a pond, and a son shedding his blood on a cross.

Know that I hear you, also. Be at peace. Be calm.

I bring thee relief for your sorrow for I know its cause ... and its cure.

You weep for all your childhood dreams that have vanished with the years.

You weep for all your self-esteem that has been corrupted by failure.

You weep for all your potential that has been bartered for security.

You weep for all your talent that has been wasted through misuse.

You look upon yourself with disgrace and you turn in terror from the image you see in the pool. Who is this mockery of humanity staring back at you with bloodless eyes of shame?

Where is the grace of your manner, the beauty of your figure, the quickness of your movement, the clarity of your mind, the brilliance of your tongue? Who stole your goods? Is the thief's identity known to you, as it is to me?

Once you placed your head in a pillow of grass in your father's field and looked up at a cathedral of clouds and knew that all the gold of Babylon would be yours in time.

Once you read from many books and wrote on many tablets, convinced beyond any doubt that all the wisdom of Solomon would be equaled and surpassed by you.

And the seasons would flow into years until lo, you would reign supreme in your own garden of Eden.

Dost thou remember who implanted those plans and dreams and seeds of hope within you?

You cannot.

You have no memory of that moment when first you emerged from your mother's womb and I placed my hand on your soft brow. And the secret I whispered in your small ear when I bestowed my blessings upon you?

Remember our secret?

You cannot.

The passing years have destroyed your recollection, for they have filled your mind with fear and doubt and anxiety and remorse and hate and there is no room for joyful memories where these beasts habitate.

Weep no more. I am with you ... and this moment is the dividing line of your life. All that has gone before is like unto no more than that time you slept within your mother's womb. What is past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead.

This day you return from the living dead.

This day, like unto Elijah with the widow's son, I stretch myself upon thee three times and you live again.

This day, like unto Elisha with the Shunammite's son, I put my mouth upon your mouth and my eyes upon your eyes and my hands upon your hands and your flesh is warm again.

This day, like unto Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus, I command you to come forth and you will walk from your cave of doom to begin a new life.

This is your birthday. This is your new date of birth. Your first life, like unto a play of the theatre, was only a rehearsal. This time the curtain is up. This time the world watches and waits to applaud. This time you will not fail.

Light your candles. Share your cake. Pour the wine. You have been reborn.

Like a butterfly from its chrysalis you will fly ... fly as high as you wish, and neither the wasps nor dragonflies nor mantids of mankind shall obstruct your mission or your search for the true riches of life.

Feel my hand upon thy head.

Attend to my wisdom.

Let me share with you, again, the secret you heard at your birth and forgot.

You are my greatest miracle.

You are the greatest miracle in the world."

~ The God Memorandum slash my Favorite Piece of Fiction written Ever Yet

And the Pain is now Receding and I am no longer fighting for breath underwater. God is Good and He loves me. Why? Because I am Valuable. To Him I am Worth Something. I get that now. It is not an earthly value. No - it is something far more than that. It is not based on looks, nor works. We are not worthy of Him, but we are made Worthy. We are treasured for God only knows why. It doesn't need to make sense to me, it just needs to be Trusted. And for that - I needed Him to be Trustworthy. And He is. So I do. And for now, for this moment, for this Pain - that is Enough. With God - I am enough. I am not Broken. I am not Worthless. And I still forget that. Constantly. Remind me God? Not "just one more time." Remind me all the time? Please? Please. Please remind me.

I Just Keep Swimming

So when I first decided emotions could be a good thing and started working with my therapist to learn how to feel - I was Completely Overwhelmed. It's like I took down a damn in mind and was flooded like a town that lives at the base of one of the suckers. It was terrifying and scary to feel because every time I tried - I was at risk of drowning by the enormity of something I could not control, understand or even handle. All I could do was survive the onslaught. Many wonder why Borderline's won't get help. Because getting help means putting yourself at this risk. Mentally Drowning can cause you to go actually Insane and end up doing Incredibly Stupid Shit. Top of that list is Suicide. Number one reason people should NOT attempt this therapy is if they do not have a good environment and a place to feel completely safe. You don't have that and you won't be able to purposely open yourself up to something that could, quite literally - Kill you. This is one of the many, Many reasons why people can't always get help when they need it. Even when they know they need it. They may simply not be in a place where they can handle it.

And so yes - I spent over two years just trying to keep my head above water. Granted it's not a perfect analogy. As it's my own mind - often, Very Often - I put that damn damn back up. I walled up my emotions because I couldn't handle it. No one wants to drown and every time I let myself feel ANY emotion - I was at risk of losing it all. And yet I continued to break the damn in my mind. God said I should - so I did. He gave me the Strength and the environment, as well as the Community, that I needed to survive. And over time it got easier to let the damn down, to keep my head above water every time I did. This may not be a perfect analogy - but the fear of drowning is quite apt to describe my fear of feeling. And Feelings can easily result in death, your own or someone else's. If you don't understand that - then that's something you should really talk to God about.

And I find myself agreeing with something my therapist once promised me after I asked him through Pain if I would ever be normal. If I would ever Feel Normally. No, he said. I won't. I will always feel more than the average person, but it won't be like now either. Feelings would hit my like a train. It was hard to not scream outloud from the intensity of the Pain that would often follow. But over time the Intensity of my Feelings has gone down. Throughout the last year I have lost my fear of drowning and Trusted God will always give me the Strength to swim until the waters recede. And now-a-days -- the waters do recede. They die down. At one time - there was no end. I could silently scream for hours, for days until I passed out from the sheer amount of Pain. But no more. There is an end to feelings now. And I Trust I can tread water until the current flood passes.

And that has been my life. Learning to let down the damn and survive. But then something changed recently. The damn seems to be gone. It used to take all my power and courage to take it down. Sometimes I wasn't even able to do so. But today I realized that it's down. It's been down. I have to actively put the damn up now. My perpetual state has always been No Feeling. I must force myself to feel. But it seems this has changed. Now - I feel. Like just ALL the Freaking time. Just regularly. It's intense and sometimes scary. To constantly be swimming with no end in sight. But I Trust. That's the thing. I Trust that God's got me. He won't let me drown. And so I swim. I just keep swimming. And I feel. I laugh. I cry. I cry A LOT. I don't hate it quite as much as I used to either. I sometimes block off the emotions, but for the most part - I live in a perpetual state of Feeling now. It is Very Weird.

I don't really know what I think about this, other than understanding it has happened. Ok BigMan. I Trust You. And it's true - maybe not drowning - but I've always Loved swimming. Guess God went all Disney and transformed me into a mermaid. You can call me Dory :) Thanks BigMan <3

"My Type"?

Ok. So for years I've struggled with the idea of "A Type". You know, when a girl or a guy has "a type" of person they prefer for a romantic relationship. I Certainly had a type as a teenager. It was evident. And then I had my first serious relationship. In many ways - he did not fall into "my type." I was always into bad boys, edgey guys who made my adrenaline fly, the excitement being around them was Thrilling. But the man I ended up falling madly in love with(quite literally of course) was safe. He was the boy-next-door. In fact, we had an ongoing joke about how our relationship could be seen pretty easily by the movie "The Girl Next Door" very funny, totally inappropriate movie. Haven't seen it in years and years, so will not recommend it based on my ever-failing memory.

Both of the serious relationships I had were with men who followed the law to the letter, didn't approve of tattoos, took care of me, loved me, and would never take me on a wild ride on the back of a motorcycle because that would be Incredibly Dangerous :D And I loved them for it. I was still wild, but I guess I enjoyed being tamed. And that's the thing. The Good Guy isn't really my type either. And so often I struggle with multiple things in regarding this illusion of "my type".

For one - what the heck is my type? Those two guys were similar in some ways, but drastically different in others. I mean - one of them was over 6 feet and the other was only half an inch taller than me! Both had receding hairlines...does that mean I'm attracted to hair loss? No - of course not. But I was thinking about all this, God only knows how that happened. And I think I have a better grasp on this idea of "types".

It was once suggested to me, by a very wise man, that it is alright for a man to be attracted to me because of physical appearance. That idea was quite abhorrent to me at the time, as I was still terrified at the idea of being anything but ugly - which drastically helps keep dangerous men at bay. And I still struggle with wanting to be pretty, but wanting more to be safe. Dressing up can often be incredibly hard for me and I will tend to only enjoy it with people I trust. I realize all this most certainly colors my thoughts on physical attraction. I didn't like the idea of physical attraction at all because of fear mostly.

But there was also a great degree of the shallowness behind such an idea. Often I think what kind of guy or girl would only love another because of how they look - when appearances change with the rising sun? It just seems Completely Ridiculous and Totally Illogical. Even personalities. Those change, less often and noticeably - but no one is the same that they were a year ago, much less 5, 10 or more! The person you marry, they won't be the same 20 years down the line. You and they will be two Completely Different people. So if your relationship is based on wanting to marry a certain type of person - well, that just doesn't make any sense whatsoever. And I do like when things make sense.

So No - I don't think we should marry a person because we are attracted to certain aspects of them. I don't think you should marry your type. It's just plain DUMB. However. I think I agree with that wise man, who I argued with most ferociously(that poor therapist). Just because you shouldn't marry someone based on their personality or appearance, likes or dislikes, all the things that attract us to another - doesn't mean you shouldn't reach out to them for those same reasons. Because it is what attracts us to another that is how we develop a bond. There is never a man or woman who falls into "our type" perfectly, but the reason we are attracted is because there are some aspects about them that are attractive. It is because of that we want to spend time with them and in that process - we bond and form friendships.

And this is not just romantically. This is everyone. A woman who is empathetic, silly, kind and Real - those things are attractive to me! I will want to spend time with her. We will probably becomes friends, perhaps even Best Friends! Men - the same. You can be attracted to qualities of someone, without wanting to be in a relationship. A Type is Totally a Thing! A GOOD Thing! It's just not a basis for marriage. No, you need something that goes far deeper for that.

There is no formula for getting married. There is no "marry the love of your life" or "marry your best friend". I lived with the love of my life, my best friend for two and a half years. It's not enough. We are human. We are constantly changing. We are an ocean and the sand. The only solid formula you will find for ANYthing in Life is the Only Solid One in Life. With God as a basis, anything is possible. Relationships are broken daily by both parties - but God is the One Who fixes them. God is the Healer and the Master Craftsmen. You base your relationship in HIM and that, that is the only formula that Truly Matters. Everything is else is just Dust in the Wind, no matter how important it seems at the time.

So go after a guy or a girl because he's your type! Date and Enjoy each other! Emotionally and Logically decide if you are right for each other! But when it comes down to spending your life together - you must look past your attraction to each other, look past whether your relationship will work on paper - because in Reality, neither of those matter. No, your life and everything you are - will change before you even know it. So make sure the Base is Sound. Make sure the Basis for your relationship is God and nothing else.

This is my plan. The only plan that really matters - Follow God and try not to stumble on my own stupidity and stubbornness ;)

That is all my Showertime Thinking I wish to share for now. Have a Good Day.

Huh. But now I wonder what My Type actually is? Perhaps my crazy life erased my ability to have one. But that is a thought for another blog post some other day, maybe. Doubtfully though - I think I'll keep that answer to myself...if I ever find it *Glare*. BigMan thinks He's Sooooo Funny. Yes - I'm Crazy. Did you see the Title of my Blog? Shut it.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Do you know...I've never seen the Crazy. I always hide my face when I dare to let any negative emotion escape - even when I'm by myself. Actually - I often hide strong positive emotions too. Huh. And I've certainly never looked in a mirror when crying, it's a miracle if I take my head out of my hands. The way I feel my face moving, when my mouth opens and screams without sound - I imagine it is a very scary thing. So I just don't imagine. I don't think about that stuff. And then I have therapy. Then I have to think about this kind of stuff. And again...I've never seen the Crazy. I mean - obviously if I haven't seen any emotion, I wouldn't have seen the Crazy. Every Borderline is Different. It is necessary for me to understand my differences in order to Live. I handle things better - when they make sense. I never wanted to be different, but I handle it better, understanding why I am, how it effects me and such. It all fits. It all makes sense. I will never be normal. My therapy is helping me rewire my brain so it actually works. So I can Live. So I can Follow God and be a woman after His Own Heart. But it will never be rewired like others. It will always be a unique model. Everyone is unique in their own ways. And my thinking - it may work better in some ways and less in others - but it will never work the same as others. I'm Different. I've come to grips with this. It makes sense. Everything I've learned - makes sense. I don't believe things until they make sense, in a very different way. It was hell trying to learn math because of this - believe you me. Most people memorize formulas to use in learning lower levels. But me - I couldn't use a formula unless I understood why it worked. My mom taught me math for a time. We both cried a lot then. It's not easy teaching a middle-school child college level math simply so she can learn basic math. But my brain is too different. It has been for as long as anyone can remember. I know why. And I know what I need to do. And me and God - we're doing it. It's hard. On days like today - when I learn a lot. When. When a lot of puzzle pieces click into place. Well. These days are Good. They are not fun. I struggle to process it all. I struggle to implement it. My differences - they can be Good...with treatment and intentionality. Those are both hard to come by. Treatment is new and difficult as every Borderline is Very different from another. Their symptoms, what drives them, how to handle them. No two of us are going to have the same treatment. And very few are on the level of my severity. I asked. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it because I needed to understand something. And it made sense. I know. I'm stuck on that tonight. Sense. It needs to all make sense. God is the only One I trust to not make sense. Because He proved to me that He always makes sense - I just sometimes need to wait to see how. He compromises with my. I cannot convey how Grateful I am to Him for that. He understands things I need right now, versus things I don't need. I need to Trust Him, but I also often need to Understand things. Many times I realize now, I cannot handle the Understanding. And so He asks me to wait. I trust Him. I trust Him more than any other, and far more than myself. And so I wait. And then things click and there is a HUGE Relief that washes over me. And then. Then the Pain hits. Not always. Sometimes Understandings are happy I suppose. Mostly - they're not. Do you know what I saw in the mirror today? I looked when the Crazy started to hit. I looked when I realized I was holding back the Pain and soon I will try and let down my walls and let it hit. I have kept it at bay all day because I did not want it to. But soon I will have to scream. I'm not ready yet though. Keeping the Pain at bay. It takes a lot of the Crazy. I cannot explain that tonight. But with my favorite analogy - I have fallen down the rabbit hole to the Wonderland of my mind. The nightmare of a wonderland. I'm trying to escape and at the same time, not wanting to leave. It's a confusing, chaotic, scary place to be. And this is what I understand after looking into the mirror. I always wondered that people could be so callous and cruel when the Pain is so close to breaking through. That people could be so brash and unloving when The Crazy is jailing me just below the surface. And for the first time I looked into the mirror before the Pain has hit, when my mind is screaming at the tight reigns of control I have it under. I looked in the mirror as my body is tense, my head is beginning to pound, my heart is close to bursting, I feel as if my insides are shaking so bad I might fly apart at the seams. I am barely holding it together. I had an idea of what I would see after vaguely understanding, but not truly believing. And what did I see when I looked in the mirror on the verge of shattering? Yes. I saw nothing. I saw a girl looking calmly back at me. I saw a slight furrow of the brow, but just enough to say that maybe I was confused about the weather or some shallow concern. I saw nothing more. Nothing in my face. I looked a second time just now. Nothing. My face shows NOTHING. HOW?! How can I be so close and and. Nothing. I know the answer. I did not believe it. Not until now. I was not ready for it to make sense. I guess I am now. It opens the door for more rewiring in therapy. It opens the door for God to make some more changes in my mind and heart. Like surgery with the patient wide awake. Maybe eventually it won't hurt so much. But it doesn't matter either way. This moment. This Life is temporal. The One Who Is, Was and Ever Will Be - is Eternal. And I am His. He is mine. I put my Hope in that. And that is enough. Even now, as I will close this screen and start to scream. It is ENOUGH. Well. Because it has to be. And He's Proven it can be. I put my Hope in Him. I put my Faith in Him.  And my BigMan? He takes care of His own. Always WorthIt. Always. Always. Always. Always.Always.Always. WorthIt. Thank You my Lord. Yes. I know. Have a Good Night my friends. I need to listen to God now. Although He reminds me that my stubbornness is a Gift from Him. I Love you my God. Thank YOU. For Everything. Every Day. Every Moment. Thank You.

<3