I Just Keep Swimming

So when I first decided emotions could be a good thing and started working with my therapist to learn how to feel - I was Completely Overwhelmed. It's like I took down a damn in mind and was flooded like a town that lives at the base of one of the suckers. It was terrifying and scary to feel because every time I tried - I was at risk of drowning by the enormity of something I could not control, understand or even handle. All I could do was survive the onslaught. Many wonder why Borderline's won't get help. Because getting help means putting yourself at this risk. Mentally Drowning can cause you to go actually Insane and end up doing Incredibly Stupid Shit. Top of that list is Suicide. Number one reason people should NOT attempt this therapy is if they do not have a good environment and a place to feel completely safe. You don't have that and you won't be able to purposely open yourself up to something that could, quite literally - Kill you. This is one of the many, Many reasons why people can't always get help when they need it. Even when they know they need it. They may simply not be in a place where they can handle it.

And so yes - I spent over two years just trying to keep my head above water. Granted it's not a perfect analogy. As it's my own mind - often, Very Often - I put that damn damn back up. I walled up my emotions because I couldn't handle it. No one wants to drown and every time I let myself feel ANY emotion - I was at risk of losing it all. And yet I continued to break the damn in my mind. God said I should - so I did. He gave me the Strength and the environment, as well as the Community, that I needed to survive. And over time it got easier to let the damn down, to keep my head above water every time I did. This may not be a perfect analogy - but the fear of drowning is quite apt to describe my fear of feeling. And Feelings can easily result in death, your own or someone else's. If you don't understand that - then that's something you should really talk to God about.

And I find myself agreeing with something my therapist once promised me after I asked him through Pain if I would ever be normal. If I would ever Feel Normally. No, he said. I won't. I will always feel more than the average person, but it won't be like now either. Feelings would hit my like a train. It was hard to not scream outloud from the intensity of the Pain that would often follow. But over time the Intensity of my Feelings has gone down. Throughout the last year I have lost my fear of drowning and Trusted God will always give me the Strength to swim until the waters recede. And now-a-days -- the waters do recede. They die down. At one time - there was no end. I could silently scream for hours, for days until I passed out from the sheer amount of Pain. But no more. There is an end to feelings now. And I Trust I can tread water until the current flood passes.

And that has been my life. Learning to let down the damn and survive. But then something changed recently. The damn seems to be gone. It used to take all my power and courage to take it down. Sometimes I wasn't even able to do so. But today I realized that it's down. It's been down. I have to actively put the damn up now. My perpetual state has always been No Feeling. I must force myself to feel. But it seems this has changed. Now - I feel. Like just ALL the Freaking time. Just regularly. It's intense and sometimes scary. To constantly be swimming with no end in sight. But I Trust. That's the thing. I Trust that God's got me. He won't let me drown. And so I swim. I just keep swimming. And I feel. I laugh. I cry. I cry A LOT. I don't hate it quite as much as I used to either. I sometimes block off the emotions, but for the most part - I live in a perpetual state of Feeling now. It is Very Weird.

I don't really know what I think about this, other than understanding it has happened. Ok BigMan. I Trust You. And it's true - maybe not drowning - but I've always Loved swimming. Guess God went all Disney and transformed me into a mermaid. You can call me Dory :) Thanks BigMan <3