Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Do you know...I've never seen the Crazy. I always hide my face when I dare to let any negative emotion escape - even when I'm by myself. Actually - I often hide strong positive emotions too. Huh. And I've certainly never looked in a mirror when crying, it's a miracle if I take my head out of my hands. The way I feel my face moving, when my mouth opens and screams without sound - I imagine it is a very scary thing. So I just don't imagine. I don't think about that stuff. And then I have therapy. Then I have to think about this kind of stuff. And again...I've never seen the Crazy. I mean - obviously if I haven't seen any emotion, I wouldn't have seen the Crazy. Every Borderline is Different. It is necessary for me to understand my differences in order to Live. I handle things better - when they make sense. I never wanted to be different, but I handle it better, understanding why I am, how it effects me and such. It all fits. It all makes sense. I will never be normal. My therapy is helping me rewire my brain so it actually works. So I can Live. So I can Follow God and be a woman after His Own Heart. But it will never be rewired like others. It will always be a unique model. Everyone is unique in their own ways. And my thinking - it may work better in some ways and less in others - but it will never work the same as others. I'm Different. I've come to grips with this. It makes sense. Everything I've learned - makes sense. I don't believe things until they make sense, in a very different way. It was hell trying to learn math because of this - believe you me. Most people memorize formulas to use in learning lower levels. But me - I couldn't use a formula unless I understood why it worked. My mom taught me math for a time. We both cried a lot then. It's not easy teaching a middle-school child college level math simply so she can learn basic math. But my brain is too different. It has been for as long as anyone can remember. I know why. And I know what I need to do. And me and God - we're doing it. It's hard. On days like today - when I learn a lot. When. When a lot of puzzle pieces click into place. Well. These days are Good. They are not fun. I struggle to process it all. I struggle to implement it. My differences - they can be Good...with treatment and intentionality. Those are both hard to come by. Treatment is new and difficult as every Borderline is Very different from another. Their symptoms, what drives them, how to handle them. No two of us are going to have the same treatment. And very few are on the level of my severity. I asked. I knew the answer, but I needed to hear it because I needed to understand something. And it made sense. I know. I'm stuck on that tonight. Sense. It needs to all make sense. God is the only One I trust to not make sense. Because He proved to me that He always makes sense - I just sometimes need to wait to see how. He compromises with my. I cannot convey how Grateful I am to Him for that. He understands things I need right now, versus things I don't need. I need to Trust Him, but I also often need to Understand things. Many times I realize now, I cannot handle the Understanding. And so He asks me to wait. I trust Him. I trust Him more than any other, and far more than myself. And so I wait. And then things click and there is a HUGE Relief that washes over me. And then. Then the Pain hits. Not always. Sometimes Understandings are happy I suppose. Mostly - they're not. Do you know what I saw in the mirror today? I looked when the Crazy started to hit. I looked when I realized I was holding back the Pain and soon I will try and let down my walls and let it hit. I have kept it at bay all day because I did not want it to. But soon I will have to scream. I'm not ready yet though. Keeping the Pain at bay. It takes a lot of the Crazy. I cannot explain that tonight. But with my favorite analogy - I have fallen down the rabbit hole to the Wonderland of my mind. The nightmare of a wonderland. I'm trying to escape and at the same time, not wanting to leave. It's a confusing, chaotic, scary place to be. And this is what I understand after looking into the mirror. I always wondered that people could be so callous and cruel when the Pain is so close to breaking through. That people could be so brash and unloving when The Crazy is jailing me just below the surface. And for the first time I looked into the mirror before the Pain has hit, when my mind is screaming at the tight reigns of control I have it under. I looked in the mirror as my body is tense, my head is beginning to pound, my heart is close to bursting, I feel as if my insides are shaking so bad I might fly apart at the seams. I am barely holding it together. I had an idea of what I would see after vaguely understanding, but not truly believing. And what did I see when I looked in the mirror on the verge of shattering? Yes. I saw nothing. I saw a girl looking calmly back at me. I saw a slight furrow of the brow, but just enough to say that maybe I was confused about the weather or some shallow concern. I saw nothing more. Nothing in my face. I looked a second time just now. Nothing. My face shows NOTHING. HOW?! How can I be so close and and. Nothing. I know the answer. I did not believe it. Not until now. I was not ready for it to make sense. I guess I am now. It opens the door for more rewiring in therapy. It opens the door for God to make some more changes in my mind and heart. Like surgery with the patient wide awake. Maybe eventually it won't hurt so much. But it doesn't matter either way. This moment. This Life is temporal. The One Who Is, Was and Ever Will Be - is Eternal. And I am His. He is mine. I put my Hope in that. And that is enough. Even now, as I will close this screen and start to scream. It is ENOUGH. Well. Because it has to be. And He's Proven it can be. I put my Hope in Him. I put my Faith in Him.  And my BigMan? He takes care of His own. Always WorthIt. Always. Always. Always. Always.Always.Always. WorthIt. Thank You my Lord. Yes. I know. Have a Good Night my friends. I need to listen to God now. Although He reminds me that my stubbornness is a Gift from Him. I Love you my God. Thank YOU. For Everything. Every Day. Every Moment. Thank You.

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