Another Crazy Kt Ramble

I am Crazy. It's a fact. I don't care what your definition is. I don't care if you want to be PC. I'm Certifiably Fucking Insane. I've come to terms with this. I realize my thinking is not normal and why. I even went through great lengths to start the process of rewiring my Crazy-ass Brain. It's not easy. It SUCKS. I HATE it. But the Results are too Amazing to be denied. I'm Living. I'm Following God. I'm learning to Trust. Three things I've never been good at. And for the past two decades simply didn't do at all. But now I am. And it's Good. But there are times, each and every day, that I find myself begging God "Why? Why am I Different?" I know the answers. I went through my own personal hell to find them. That's not why I ask. I don't know why I ask that particular question. Yet. But I know why I beg. I'm sure there are a Great Many things worse than being Insane. I could have been the type that physically hurts other people instead of myself. I could have no conscious at all, no guilt over the things I have done. I could Embrace the Pain and use it to strengthen me instead of learning to feel it in order to give it to God. There are many things that are worse than simply being Crazy. But one of the steps up - is knowledge. Not only am I fucked up - but I know that. I see the consequences my insanity has wrought. I see how my neurosis and psychosis effects others. I see how my inability to understand basic facts of Life has broken people. At one points I only had moments of clarity to see this before I raised the barrier that kept this knowledge secured down in a prison deep within the recesses of my mind - the same prison that housed many other memories I could not handle. But therapy does not allow me to keep most of these prisoners. I feel again. I see the ramifications of my actions. A Step up from Insanity? Knowing you're Insane without being able to do anything about it. Well. This is not entirely true. And at the same time - it is. Rewiring my Brain takes time. It takes effort, Pain and Patience. A Great Fucking Deal of Patience. And sometimes it means I have to see the Insanity and not know how to stop it. To know I'm thinking crazy, responding inappropriately, acting like a Harley Quinn but not Actually KNOW another way! To know there IS Another Way - but NOT know what it is!!! Do you realize how much that Fucking BLOWS?! To WANT to do the Right Thing! But NOT KNOW HOW?! I just have to sit here and realize I'm doing something wrong, even if it's just in my Fucking Fucked-Up Brain, but having no idea what to do!!!!! I'm sorry. It's one of those times. It hurts and I don't know why. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. I just pray and ask God to be here while I cry and probably scream. Because sometimes that's what I have to do. Other times He shows me a different way. Maybe tonight will be one of those nights. Maybe someone will ask me to go dancing again, naw too late for that for an old maid like me now. Or maybe I'll find a movie that's just Perfect for the moment. Or maybe a book. Maybe I'll see something funny on facebook. Maybe my cats will cuddle and do something to cute to continue crying. Maybe I'll draw or just keep writing. There are so many ways out of the Pain now. It's Good to think on these things. It's Good to Feel. Even to Feel Pain. But my mind is only so strong, stronger than most. I mean - sure it's shattered a couple times. But God has put it back together Every. Single. Time. And each and every time He has done this - He makes it 10xs stronger than it was before. I am Broken. I am Shattered. But that's a GOOD Thing. I know this. I KNOW This. God does not heal me the way I was. He takes the shattered pieces as they are and in the Hands of a MasterCraftsman - the Brokenness is Transformed into something Beautiful. Course - maybe this is Delirium talking. Hmm. Maybe I'm in some kind of Truman Show or The Matrix. But I don't think so. My Craziness sometimes likes me to think that. But even the Craziness can't stand up to God. He tamed the Wild in me. He Befriended the Crazy. He found Value in my Brokenness. Because God is Love. And Love is what turns all that is Bad...into Good. He Who first Loved US. We Love because of Him. We heal because of Him. We are Transformed because of Him. Because He LOVES us. I should be dead. I should at least be contained in an Asylum permanently. I know why, even if many will never understand the extent of my madness. Funny how easily we can pass ourselves off as normal when we want so badly to hide the truth, huh? How easy it can be to hide to hide our true natures, it's funny really. Especially when we hide it so well from others, even we don't know it exists. Sin is really good at helping with that. It's funny how much we can hide from ourselves. Hidden sins? Translation - we all have Crazy deep down inside. It just comes in different forms. None of us are normal. I'm just not allowed to hide it anymore. No. I can't. I lost everything too many times. I was too alone. God gave me a Choice. Live and Follow Him or keep living as I was and ruining the lives of those that stupidly tried to love me. But He made it very clear I didn't have the option of dying. Not then. Sneaky God knows me too well. I can't stand hurting those I love. And so I chose to Follow Him and the Sneaky Son of God. Damn Omniscients. Yeah - well that Trinity is full of busybodies that are Aaaaalways Right. It can be fucking Obnoxious. It's also Amazing. I told you I'm Fucking Crazy. Embracing that comes with the Perk of saying what I'm really thinking. It's not like I don't talk to God this way. You'd think if He was so bent out of shape about it - He would have struck me down with lightening or some shit. But no. He's Deliberately kept me alive. Why? Fuck. I ask myself that every day. I'm here, I'm Broken. I'm constantly confused and struggling between all I've learned from Life and what I'm now allowing God to teach me. It's SO Hard y'all. I'm so tired. My head hurts and crying is just so messy! Why do we have to do it? I don't like it. I wish it would stop now. God Loves me, this I know - because He fucking told me so. Wait? What? That's not how the rhyme goes? Fuck me silly. The words must have gotten screwed up somewhere between Wonderland and The Cloud. I'm Broken and fucked up people. I know this. I don't deserve to Live. And yet I do. WHY?! Why the Fuck am I here?!

Because He Loves me.

And that's Enough. That's More than Enough.

Why?

If you're asking me that - you're asking the wrong person.

Go ask Him. What's the worst that can happen? You talk to a shower wall for a bit, hoping your roommate doesn't think your losing your mind? I did that. Try taking a dog for a walk - people don't think it's weird when you talk to pets. It's talking to God like He's a "Real Boy!" that really wigs people out. Even Christians. Good thing I'm learning to embrace the Crazy. Now God and I chat a lot more often. Fuck me - I'm tired. Maybe people will get something out of this. I know I did. Not sure exactly what, but the Pain has receded and I remember Truth. I remember Love. Like I said. It's more than enough. Thank You my Lord. Gnight <3