Please. I want to Believe.

Ignorance is Bliss.

At least - that's how the saying goes. And honestly - that's what I've always believed. Still do in fact.
I realized today that not many people have changed as much as I have in three "short" decades. Not many people have been a goody-toe-shoes. A nice, sheltered, innocent teenage Christian Girl and then did a complete 180 to become a Crazy Party Girl with no moral compass. And those aren't the only two girls I have been. I have been struggling to find me for years now. And sometimes I find bits of me, but more often than not I've lost them again. I have had so many different experiences that have shaped me drastically and I have been SO Many Different Types of Girls! It's been a terror finding ME. But I have. And so I say - Ignorance is still Bliss.

I didn't get a choice in most of the Important Experiences that shaped the girls I was. Ones that I did specifically choose - it was out of survival. Granted it was still a choice - but it was between that Experience and Death. Eventually - I started choosing Death. And so I say Ignorance is Bliss. I would rather be that sweet, sheltered girl - who was struggling but didn't know it. I would rather be that Innocent, cliche Christian than Really Understand Grace. It's True. I would Trade ALL my Wisdom, my Intensely Complicated and Deep Relationship with God for a shallow one. One that shielded me from Pain, kept me reasonably normal looking and average - I would give up the ME I am finding for a girl that was Never REAL. I Would.

I would Give it all Up in a HeartBeat.

And it's not because I don't LOVE where I am!

I DO!!! SO MUCH!

I Love Where I am and where I am Going.

I Love how God took my Life and made it into Something BETTER. He took my Brokenness and made it Beautiful. Oh Fuck. WoW.

But I would give it up. I would. Isn't that sad? I would give it all up not to have Experienced the Journey. I would give up all that He has done for me to NOT have had to learn it the Hard Way. But that's what makes us human, right? I mean - Adam and Eve had to know, for themselves, they had to learn the Hard Way. They couldn't just take God's Word. And so I follow in Eve's footsteps. I NEED to KNOW. And then I wish I had just taken God's Word. I wish I had learned the Easy Way. Or better yet, just stayed Oblivious to it all.

Curiosity killed the Cat, but Satisfaction Brought it Back. In a way, that's very True. Only in the Crazy Depths maybe could you see why. And I don't feel like trying to explain it. I will say that God is teaching me SO Much and I am SO Grateful. But not Grateful enough that I wouldn't trade it in. And that's not Good enough for me. That's Not Good Enough for what HE has Done for me! Don't you see?! I don't want to just be Grateful for my Life now! I don't want it to JUST be Worth It! I want to look back at my first self, before I started questioning life and say that I was right to do that! I didn't handle the answers well, but that's not what I'm saying.

Ignorance is Bliss. I still believe that. But I don't WANT TO! I Want to Believe this Life I have Lived is MORE than Just Worth It! I want to Believe - to Honestly Believe - that I wouldn't Give it Up for a life of a sheltered, average, cliche and normal adulthood. I want it to Be MORE than Worth It. I want all that I have learned to be worth more than Anything Else I Treasure. I want the Deep Relationship with God to be worth The PAIN.

If you gave me two girls I could be:
The Intense, Complicated, Impure, Insane, and Batshit Crazy Girl I am now - who is Head over Heels for Christ and Truly Understands GRACE.
OR
A girl who kept herself Sheltered and Pure, Appears normal and average, Sweet but Cliche, Loves God but doesn't Understand what that can Really Mean...

Yeah - of course. If you are the first - you are probably with me. I've been both and I choose the latter. It's not me and it was never meant to be. Even without my experiences I was never average, I always had a bit of Crazy. But I would still pick sheltered and pure over what I am now. And I DON'T Want that to be my Choice!

I am Glad God didn't give me one - because I sure as Hell would not have picked who I am today! Even if I am Grateful. And that's not Enough! God is Worth MORE! I know that!!! I DO! But I want to Believe it! Please Lord - Help me to see that YOU ARE WORTH MORE! Please. Please. You are worth more than for me to give up all that I have learned for a shallow and average Relationship. Help me to not just know I should know. But to Truly SEE that. Please. I want to See and Believe that You are Worth More. That a DEEP and Abiding Relationship with you is Worth More than the Shallow Relationship I would choose in an instant. Please. Please let me see that. Please.