A Cheat Sheet to Life

I do not force myself to read the Bible. I read it because I want to. And I want to because it's applicable. Because it's incredibly helpful in every day problems as well as major fuckups.

If I were to make this an analogy, not a perfect one mind you.

I would say Life is like this Massive Test that decides your Entire Future.

And the Bible is a cheat sheet - given to you by the teacher, Himself.

It has All you need to know to pass.

Course, the Teacher is like, Super Smart and shit.

And we didn't study half as much as we should have, as children never do.

So, many times, this "cheat sheet" is crazy hard to figure out.

But it is possible.

And when you start understanding, no knowing consciously, but understanding on a sub-conscious level, that the Bible is a better guide to life than any sermon, any self-help book, or friend's advice;

(Those are really kinda like second-hand translations of the same cheat sheet you have been given)

I have faith you will be eager to read your Bible, quite thoroughly.

I didn't always want to read the Bible.

(As in I thought it was the dullest, most boring part of my faith)

And honestly, I have not reached the point where I am always incredibly excited to do so.

But I do understand that it holds the answer to All of Life's Mysteries.

The Bible is 42

And that doesn't mean you have to go open you're Bible right now and force yourself to read it.

You don't need to schedule a quiet time or carry your Bible everywhere if you don't want to.

I do NOT believe in "faking it till you make it" in many instances, if any.

What I would do, is start small.

Throw a quick prayer to God.

Just one word is enough to begin.

Help

That's all you have to say sometimes.

Sometimes, that's the only word I can get out.

Although I typically add a "please" out of habit.

And if you can't yet pray, which I have often been unable to do.

Then you ask others to do so for you.

You do not even need to tell them what you need prayer for.

Just asking for prayer is one of the Most Powerful ways God works.

I know from experience.

And don't push yourself beyond your limits.

Don't beat yourself up because you cannot even do such a "simple" thing as read the Bible.

It's Not Simple.

And it's not all that easy to read.

Take time getting to know your Savior.

Sometimes that simply means talking to Him as you watch the sunrise.

Or looking for His Footprints in your life past.

Seeing His mark on all the lives around you.

When you start to see how He is Literally in EVERYthing.

How He is not only the God of creation -

but present in every situation, every song, every moment of your life...

He is a God who not only controls the destiny of the universe,

but knows Every friggin hair on your head and has counted each grain of sand on every beach ever made!

Do you understand how much of a Big Deal that is?

He is in EVERYthing.

He is there as you wake up in the morning.

And as you get ready for the day.

When you're deciding how to word an important email, He has a script for you.

When you wonder if you should wear a scarf or not, He is the only One who can give you a perfectly accurate Weather Report.

He is always with you and He is waiting for you to ask Him for help.

In Everything.

42 not only encompasses the Big Life Mysteries.

It is a guide to All of Life's problems.

Big & Little

You cannot do this on your own.

You cannot control your own life.

You cannot control anything actually.

You are a helpless babe who needs help to do even the simplest of things.

If you're like me, you'll figure this out the hard way.

You'll find yourself unable to function on a daily level without looking to God for everything.

I am often unable to hold a conversation, read a sentence in a book, or even follow the conversations around me.

I cannot do even the simplest of things without God's help.

My brokenness has hit a low I do not think many can comprehend.
If it weren't for God, I would be placed back in an institution for the mentally insane.

He gets me through the day.
I know I must look to Him for every decision I make,
every step, every breath I take.

And although I realize this is a Good way to live,

"Good" things can still be incredibly painful experiences.

My life right now is Good.

I truly believe that.

That doesn't mean I'm always happy.

Or even joyful.

Definitely not confident or content.

That doesn't mean I don't suffer regularly with fucking Intense Pain.

That doesn't mean I don't royally screw up every moment of every day.

But I will tell you this.

I am happy, joyful, confident and content with Where I Am, now...

And where I am going.

I am Happy and Insanely Grateful with how far God has brought me.

And I am Friggin Psyched to know Him better.

I want to follow the Greatest Commandment more than anything.

Solomon asked for wisdom.

I ask to Love God and put Him first and foremost in my life.

That is My Greatest Wish.

And I will pray on pennies galore for it to come true.

And #OneDay I will #Love perfectly. For I will Love God as He Loves me.

That is my Goal in Life.

That is what I long for.

Love

Everything else is semantics.

Coup de Grace

A coup de grâce (/ˌkuː də ˈɡrɑːs/; French [ku də ɡʁɑs] for "blow of mercy") is a death blow to end the suffering of a severely woundedperson or animal.^[1][2] It may be a mercy killing of civilians or soldiers, friends or enemies, with or without the sufferer's consent.

Examples of coup de grâce include shooting the heart or head (typically the back of the skull) of a wounded, but still living, person during an execution or by humanely killing a suffering, mortally wounded soldier, in war, for whom medical aid is not available. Other examples include the officer leading firing squad administering a coup de grâce to the condemned with a pistol if the first hail of gunfire fails to kill the prisoner or a beheading to quickly end a samurai's agony after seppuku.

*Courtesy of Wikapedia*

I never liked the concept of Euthanasia.

"Termination of life by a doctor at the request of a patient"

Not for the reasons many have issues with it however.

The idea of asking someone to help end my life makes me shudder.

I mean, that will scar them for duration of their own life...in one way or another.

I can't imagine putting ANYone through that, friend or foe.

The result would no longer be worth it.

Knowing I finally was able to escape the pain and suffering of this world,

but only because I had added to it ten-fold for another?

No, that's not worth it to me. Not even slightly.

I would rather continue to be tortured than ask that of someone.

I'd rather hand my assailants their weapons and say thank you for the wounds.

than give them another victim in my place.

If you haven't figured it out by now, my instinct is to take people's pain.

No matter the form - 

I would rather add more wounds to my own body than allow someone else to be mutilated.

Especially someone I love.

But that doesn't mean I don't wish for coup de grace.

There's not a day that goes by that I don't wish for God to deliver a mercy blow.

I don't know why people always think I'm exaggerating about this.

I've discussed it with a couple people and they all say it boils down to empathy.

People can't relate and would really rather not.

Instead, they will dismiss my words as exaggeration.

While etymology has always been a passion of mine, semantics has become incredibly important to me because of how often I'm seen as the boy who cried wolf.

I have been working very hard at choosing my words carefully for a while now.

So let me think about how to phrase this...

I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE

This place, this world, this life. I want it over. I want it finished. I want it Done.

That's the truth.

That's not an exaggeration.

I believe in Heaven, I believe there is an eternity waiting for me after this life.

I cannot tell you how much I look forward to a new life, a new body and mind devoid of Pain!

And I would have no problem killing myself in order to hurry this process if I respected God any less.

In this case, I respect His Power.

He has insisted I am needed here whether I like it or not, as evident by the numerous times I have already attempted suicide and been told it was a Stupid MIRACLE I survived.

But let me make this very clear for those incredibly stubborn Asses.

I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE

I am not alive because I want to be, I am alive because I need to be.

Although I do have an incredibly hard time understand what God needs me for.

I'm sure it's another issue with empathy, on my part definitely.

But I simply cannot Fathom the idea of needing to "humble myself".

Not in the ways I so often hear this phrase used.

While I do understand humility and it's importance, as well as the issue of pride.

For me, that typically means wanting to control my life, not because I think I'll do it well.

But because giving control of your life to another being involves a great deal of trust.

And, in the past, I have made the mistake of trusting the wrong people with it...

The results speak for themselves.

I have only just begun trusting God with my life.

But that doesn't mean life is suddenly all hunky dory.

No, I have too many issues with trust to know how to do it properly.

Right now, trusting is often enduring the pain.

Even when it drives me down to the ground, begging for a mercy blow.

Right now trusting means when I'm in the shower and it begins to hurt -

Instead of beating the wall with my fists till their bruised in bloody -

I choose to lay with my forehead pressed against the bottom of the tub and silently scream until I can scream no more.

I lay there as the shower rains down until I am in danger of passing out and drowning.

The trip from the shower to my bed is harder than any of my winter runs.

Letting the darkness claim me as I lose consciousness - is my reward.

You can think that's an exaggeration or a strongly worded paragraph for effect.

It's not.

How many times have I covered up the marks from losing it?

How many times have I walked out of a place so people wouldn't see my pain?

How many times have I found ways to ease my private suffering in public that didn't draw attention,

but left small bruises for days.

And those are just the physical scars.

They do not even begin to portray the scars in my mind.

I know many understand.

I know many relate.

And I know it's never talked about.

I know we're taught to suppress our pain, which often causes it to pressurize instead...

And eventually explode.

You have NO Idea how good I am at suppressing my emotions.

NO Idea about how often I wear an incredibly realistic mask.

My mask does not scream that I have my life together.

No, my mask says "I'm fine. I'm not in pain."

When all I want to do is go somewhere and lose it.

Perhaps you think I'm exaggerating again.

Or maybe you have been scared by me, because you feel you have seen me in pain.

Both are wrong.

I could sit here all day trying to make you understand this the way I'd like to...

but an explanation about my natural ability for isolation exercises is not the solution.

And I'm attempting to let God run this show.

I cannot force you to see more than you are willing.

If you are stuck on being blind to the Pain in this world.

If you are too stuck on your own pain to see that there are others with pain as well...

You are walking towards a crevice you can't see in this state.

And you are going to fall.

We are all the same and we are all unique.

We all have pain...and it is all very different.

Right now my path on this Pilgrim's Progress involves scaling a very steep cliff.

The hand and footholds are made of broken glass that bite into my flesh as I climb.

My whole body screams to give up.

Even my head is too weak to look up for an end to my journey.

I am beyond exhausted and it wasn't till this past weekend that I finally had a chance to rest.

I wouldn't call it a vacation and even a sabbatical sounds like more fun.

 This was like finding a thin shelf to lay down on for a moments breath.

It was a place to gather my courage and my strength and brace to begin climbing again.

I wouldn't call it a peaceful rest as my wounds did not magically heal,

but before I began to climb again...I looked up.

I saw my destination and hope flared anew.

I KNOW what's at the top and I will not give up till I make it.

There are moments when I see why this world is worth it.

There are times when I understand God's plan for Eden -

When I catch glimpses of it all around me.

I Know it's at the top of this cliff -

The understanding of why the pain is worth being alive.

And the excitement of not only believing and having faith that it is.

But seeing it for myself - hastens my climb.

Even as my hands and feet shred from my journey.

Even as a tear escapes I keep my eyes on Him.

For even if I never make it, even if I never see the view in this lifetime...

He is with me.

He is worth the climb, even if I never make it to the top.

And so, I keep going.

Seeing The World Through His Eyes

I want to tell you how I see the world.

Not just w/ my eyes. Or even my ears & nose, but w/ my heart & soul.
_____________________________________________________

I'm sitting here, on the crook of a trunk, in the rushing middle of a creek.
I'm watching the water ripple & sparkle as the sun rises ever hirer.

No mere pictures could capture the beauty here. No human could either.

But I'm not seeing this place through my eyes. The beauty I see in this place, in this world comes from the sight God has given. A vision that overlaps my weak, mortal eyes.

W/ this I still see the trash littered everywhere, the polution and imperfections - But I see MORE than that. SO much more.

W/ my eyes I see solitude & a place to Rest. W/ my ears I hear peace - the sound of the birds as they sing the sun up to the Heavens; the lyrical notes of liquid life caressing each stone as the creek burbles around & beneath me.

I feel the rain of last night beneath me, dampening the moss & the wood of my resting place. I feel beams of warm sun on my cheek & I feel Loved. I feel calm & joyful. I feel like bursting into song. And so I have.

I have sung & danced on this natural bridge. I have let go of my anxiety. My worries & cares, just for this moment w/ God.

I came to this place for a reason. Not to run away from my troubles, but for this moment, this Beautiful moment outside of time with Yaweh - w/ the Man, Being, Savior Who Loves me more than I can fathom in my small understanding of this world & beyond.

But sitting here as the sun rises & my favorite song comes on the radio attached to my hip. Sitting here I see a little, just a little more of how God sees the world, w/ more than physical senses, but w/ Hope, Passion & an Incredible Love that #OneDay, One day I will be able to give as well as receive from Him.

My Greatest Wish is to Love God as He loves me.

My second is to Love others the same.

The 2 Greatest Commandments are what I pray for. The 2 Greatest Commandments are what I live for, and what I'll live on for.

I want to Love - there is nothing greater than Love. For God IS Love. If you know one, than you know the other.

And if you understand God's Love for you - if you can feel it the way I do, now, w/ not just your senses, but your heart and soul, than I have no doubt you understand this journey I've begun.

My Pilgrim's Progress.

A journey involving trials, battles most fierce, damsels in distress, heroes most bold, & Victory.

Though we may often lose faith, though our feet grow weak and weary, though we lose friends along the way - there is a light at the end of our Path. There is Hope in the darkest of places. There is Good in Every situation.

And keeping this in mind - keeping God's vision forefront and not my own - that's what gets me through the pain - that's what keeps me going as I'm wounded.

I may bleed from a Thousand cuts, every rib broken, and my very eyes gauged out & I will simply lean on God's vision & crawl.

I will debase myself before the world; humble myself before God & I will follow Him though it cost me EVERYthing.

Because He is worth it.

I know from experience that Nothing else is.

And maybe I will have to pull my broken body up a cliff inch by inch w/ no easy path, but He is there. I am NOT alone and when I reach the top of this cliff - I already have an inkling of the view.

I smile now at the vision I've been given of it. The small understanding of how this suffering will be worth it. And my excitement cannot be contained.

I may not be able to go faster. I may fear that I will fall and I know I will scream in pain every time I acquire a new wound, every time an old scar opens and the blood pours forth.

Then again, what better to encourage other travellers than the clear evidence they are Not alone on this journey.

We may not all have the same paths to travel, but they often cross.

And you'd be surprised how often people are energized by knowing they're not alone on their Pilgrim's Progress & they're not alone in their Pain.

Then again, maybe that doesn't surprise you. I just know it often does me.

Not so much that I can relate to someone's suffering, but often the people I relate to most are the last I'd expect.

How many people have I judged by their mask, by the image they projected and never bothered seeing deeper, seeing the ways we are the same. For we are all the same, and all different as well.

One of my greatest passions is finding how I can relate to each individual, & the ways I can learn from them in areas we don't share the same experiences and understandings.

Love is often seeing the Best in someone, while not ignoring the worst.

Love is seeing God in a person, seeing the way God magnifies & amplifies their individuality. How God shines these qualities from the person more brightly than any sun.

He does, but often we're too stuck on our vision; on the imperfections.

You cannot Love in a Godly way only using your own vision. You must use God's.

I pray I grasp that on a more subconscious level.

If gauging out my actual eyes would give me total access to God's vision, I would. But I fear it will be much harder than that.

But I won't give up - I won't stop climbing, even if I fall back to the ground. I will reach the top of this cliff and see the Beauty I know is waiting.

#ChallengeAccepted

Journal Entry This Very Morn

Full of imperfections. But I did not want to lose even a small part of the wonder that filled my heart, mind and soul as I sat on that log, in a place outside of time. So I decided to write it here, in my blog, word for word.

Every grammatical and spelling error, every short-hand method I used is present. And maybe you will be able to see that photo as I remember it, even though neither words nor mere images can express what I saw.

Grace: Lost in Translation

Luke 16:10 New International Version (NIV)

10 “Whoever can be trusted with very little can also be trusted with much, and whoever is dishonest with very little will also be dishonest with much.

Luke 16:10 New Living Translation (NLT)

10 “If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities.

*Bible Gateway*

These are two incredibly different translations and while translations in general are rarely perfect, and the interpretation is even more difficult, even for the pros who go to seminary for 4+ years! And then there's the application of the congregation and - oh dear! We have already lost the essence of the Truth behind some very powerful verses.

And although I know very little about the pros and cons of various translations, I will tell you that I heard an an interpretation of Luke 16:10 (NLT) by a speaker that I believe has twisted the truth behind the verse in a very unhealthy albeit a very common and even popular(!) way. He used this passage in support for a point he was making. A point that disturbed me greatly. He said that if you follow God faithfully, God will present you with great opportunities. I continued to listen and I kept hearing this man push how great things will happen when you are faithful to God.

I'm not going to hold my punch with this -

This Is WRONG.

"Wrong!" 0:59

Ephesians 2:8-10New International Version (NIV)

8 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— 9 not by works, so that no one can boast.

GRACE

I talk about that a lot. In my blogs, my posts, my daily conversations...cause it's a BIG DEAL. The Most Powerful word I know and understood by very few.

What Grace means, in practical terms, is that Life's NOT Fair...

...and how friggin Amazing that is!

If life were fair, we would all be going to hell. Honestly, if life were fair - we'd be there already. Not in some mythological pit with flames creeping up the sides. No. Hell is far worse and place to be greatly feared. I don't know if you've ever had the guts to imagine it, but I can't. I can barely handle the pain in this world - the idea of a place where you are in perpetual agony is a subject I'd rather not go near with a 10-foot pole. And I won't. Not now. Suffice to say it's a fucking awful place and we ALL deserve to be thrown in and never let out. If you don't know that, you're lying to yourself.

And that's Exactly why Grace is Such a powerful word to me. Because we DESERVE to go the HELL. A place that even satan himself is terrified of. He's not some "lord of the underworld" - he will be trapped in there along with the rest of us sinners. And yet, We Are NOT. Because of Grace. Because of Grace, we are literally saved by the Greatest Superhero of ALL Time(and beyond). By Grace you are saved. Through FAITH - and this is not from yourselves.

So that's what gets my knickers in a twist about this speaker, among others. You cannot earn Grace. You cannot Earn ANYthing. What? You think Grace just applies to "Judgement Day"? Oh bother. We've already been judged y'all - and forgiven. God is outside of time and we're just playing catchup. Everything we do now. Everything we say. Every thought and deed...these don't condemn us OR earn us any kind of exemption or opportunity. It's a done deal. The tricky part comes in seeing and believing that.

Consciously, we know Bible Verses. We can spout them off by rote. We can apply them in a theological conversations with our college buddies. Subconsciously, we often don't understand the first thing about them. And when it comes to Grace, we know very little, or nothing at all. I am only beginning to understand the basics of such an Extraordinary word. And the understanding I have gleaned thus far, is that God loves us...SO much that He sent His only Son to die for us. Hold on. Lemme continue. I am also of the opinion that Jesus went to hell and suffered every atrocity, every pain, every hurt and humiliation that we have and also the torture we would have earned, in order to take our sin from us.

Understanding this, that Jesus, being from God and Of God, took our place in the most brutal culmination of the "Saw" movies you could ever imagine. If you understand that kind of Ultimate Love. That someone was actually born just to save you from a justified hell so that you can live an UnFair Life, than it will be easier to understand that He is always there, looking out for you. Another perk of Grace.

I do believe that the closer to God the more opportunities there are for you. I do NOT agree we earned them in any way. In fact, I believe that God Loves us SO much that He is friggin Constantly presenting us with opportunities of all kinds. We just don't see it. We want SO badly to do what WE want to do. Our job, our significant other, our children, our home, our friends, our LIFE - we have an idea of what it should be and we strive for that and expect God to tag along and help us out. If you deny that, you're lying to yourself again.

*Disclaimer: I personally love skim milk*

We want to do things OUR way, not God's way. And as God is crazy complicated, we don't often see that His way is the Best way and often reject it when He presents it to us. You'd be surprised at how often following God in a small way, that doesn't make sense and often goes against what we want to do, can lead to incredibly Great opportunities. I know it's constantly surprising me!

I believe it tends to boil down to seeing the Big Picture. Remembering that God LOVES me and only has my best interests at heart. You may say you know that, but do you? Do you trust God SO much that you would trust Him with the life of your child? There's a man in the Bible who did - you know the story, His name was Abraham. And honestly, from what I know, I believe Abraham's testing exemplifies the idea of idolization very well. We think we know best and we often idolize many good things God has given us, especially the ones we love most. I've wondered if Abraham idolized His son and this was the way God got through to Him. And, in the end, Abraham followed the Greatest Commandment, but because of God's Grace - Isaac lived.

And maybe that's a wrong interpretation, but I think the idea is pretty sound. We are to love God above ALL else. That doesn't just mean our material possessions and our jobs. We are to love him more than our children, more than our spouses, more than All our relationships. We are also to love Him more than our comfort. I struggle with that. I often idolize happiness and normalcy. I idolize the idea of a life without chronic pain. We are to love Him more than our health, memories and sanity. You will lose one of those at some point in your life, if not all three...and I'll tell you now, it's a bitch to lose something you idolize.

Cause we rarely see the big picture. I mean, it's easier when you know you idolize it, but not when you don't. And there are SO many things we sin against God by placing in front of Him and when we lose it, our first thoughts are not thankful ones typically. When you lose your job or your home, are your first thoughts of the grateful variety? We often don't see the good in those situations.

I lost a boyfriend I loved, to death, and I cursed God out. I knew that I never would have given him up for anyone or anything, but it's taken me a lot longer to understand that this was not THE reason he died. God did not take him away because I loved him too much, but there is good that has come out of that situation. One of those things being that God and I started talking again. Starting with me cursing Him out. That actually opened the gates of communication between Him and I. We talk and talk and talk - and now He won't Shut Up! I'm starting to be ok with that now too :) .

He's helped me start seeing the big pic I'm always going on and on about. And as I love crazy easy - too easily in some people's opinions; seeing the Big Picture is what can get me through the pain of imperfect human love. I tend to give pieces of my heart away willy-nilly and feel every tear as people, often unknowingly, rip it to shreds. But just because it hurts, I won't stop. The pain blows, but I'm learning how to handle it and it's worth it. The only thing I will NEVER do again, is give my soul away to an imperfect man. I did once. And while a heartbreak can always be mended, when your very soul shatters...

There is only one Man equipped to handle that kind of commitment and I constantly thank Him for showing me that I can trust him with my heart and soul. That He will NEVER leave me or forsake me. And I know that when I am sitting outside in the rain with my back pressed against the brick, uncrying and staring blindly at nothing, my hands clenching and releasing with the effort to contain the pain of a broken heart, He is there. Sometimes, I will break down and scream. I scream and I scream and no one calls the cops because it's completely without sound. I take a big breath, open my mouth and roar silently. And as every muscle tightens and tenses, seizes and shakes, as my mind seems to be shattering from the mental screaming of my tortured soul, He is there.

He is not my torturer, but my Savior. And I will admit I often forget that. When you are being tortured you often are in to much pain to be able to tell up from down, much less pinpoint the face of the person currently ripping your fingernails out with a pair of pliers. But again. Grace. God has taken the time to help me trust Him, to see His very face as well as that of my torturers. And it is my friends, family, co-workers, boyfriends - it is the people I love the most that I see in my torture chamber. They are the ones carving their signatures into my flesh as I watch in mute horror.

But I also see my own face among the crowd, eagerly goading them on. I am my greatest torturer. It is my hands that that leave the bloodiest wounds and the ugliest scars. I taunt myself. I call myself the vilest insults and tell myself the evilest lies. I hate myself with such a passion that I beat myself bloody on a daily basis. But I never saw this. I never saw the faces of the people mutilating my mind. I only knew that God was there, but I never knew that it was his hands that were shielding me from the worst of it. That He is my protector and not part of the mob. That He LOVES me and it is His face that I keep my eyes glued to as my ribs are being broken one by one. His Pure Love that keeps me sane through the insanity.

I often pray for God to take me Home, away from this world where I can be free from this torture. But I also add, if You won't - if I need to be here, in a world where I end up on the floor EVERY day because the pain is too great for me to stand. A world where I regularly curl up in the shower and wish the water would wash away the blood from wounds inflicted inside my very mind. A world where I can't scream out loud and I rarely cry actual tears, because those have been condemned by our society and it is ingrained in me to suppress them, no matter the cost. A world where I can't share this without intense ridicule or even worse, an oppressive silence.

This pain is NOT fair. I didn't receive it as punishment for my "bad history". I did not earn it and I certainly DON'T deserve it. But I don't deserve anything - good or bad. I don't deserve my home or my friends. I don't deserve my high school diploma or the money in my wallet. Nothing is deserved or life would be hell - literally. Grace. Grace is what makes the world go round. Grace is why I am alive. Grace is why I'm LIVING. And Grace is why I consider Suffering a Blessing, even as I pass out from the pain yet again.

We need to accept Grace and the pain that comes with living in a broken world with broken people. If you follow God in Everything, things will work themselves out. Me and God still fight over doing things my way or His, but I typically let Him win now, because His way keeps proving to be better. Yeah yeah - that's a duh. But do you really believe that, deep down in your soul? Think about it. Do you not only ask Him for advice on whether to take that job overseas but also what shoes to wear in the morning? Yeah, you'd be surprised about how often I have that convo with Him and also the stories behind why.

Haha :D

Peace out Home Dawgs! This is my revision after I've finally had a whole friggin 8 hours of sleep which means I've been pain free for 10! That's a record this year and I'm starting to understand it's not wrong to enjoy it while it lasts.

I Love Taking Pictures!!!

I think I finally get why so many people I know hate having their pictures taken. To most people, pictures are a work of art. And they can be - they can be amazingly Beautiful and that's a valid point. But that's not what they often are for me. They are memories.

My look, my fashion and my weight have fluctuated my entire life. Looking at these two pics taken of me and two extremely different points in my life makes me smile because of the memories associated. The one of me with my thigh the size of my bff's waist never fails to make me smile because that night was the first night of fun I remember after my heart broke into a thousand tiny shards and I didn't believe would ever be able to be repaired. And the second picture is a day at the beach with another bestie, a significant week that symbolizes the end of the "hell years" for me. The first week I really remember feeling happy or loved since the world I knew ended.

If I were to look at these photos of me and just see the image - I would flinch and take them down immediately. In one I think I'm around 300 lbs and that is not an attractive weight for me. And the other photo is just as bad, but in quite the opposite way. It was an even unhealthier weight for me, although I'm often reminded by others how attractive I was considered at it. Very few had the opportunity to see the outline of each of my ribs as well as every bit of my spine or the shaking that accompanied my inability to eat from intense anxiety that filled every moment of these years.

I could look at those and see that, and I have. I have considered taking them down time and time again. But then I remember the good. I remember the excitement of a road trip to the beach with some Amazing peeps <3 . I remember eating(!) and I remember that for the first time in years I cared I was alive. The other picture is the Birthday party my girlfriends threw for me. They had me wear a Birthday Sash and took me clubbing and let me Dance the Night Away! That night was one of the Best and I look at these pictures and I remember what happened and how much fun I had :D .

I can't imagine taking these pictures down, because there would be nothing to open the portal in my mind to re-experience these moments with some of the women who will always mean the World to me.

Thanks Mon Amies <3

I hope that explains better why I love taking pictures so much. I like to remember the things that make me smile. And the people I love often do.