Another Crazy Kt Ramble

I am Crazy. It's a fact. I don't care what your definition is. I don't care if you want to be PC. I'm Certifiably Fucking Insane. I've come to terms with this. I realize my thinking is not normal and why. I even went through great lengths to start the process of rewiring my Crazy-ass Brain. It's not easy. It SUCKS. I HATE it. But the Results are too Amazing to be denied. I'm Living. I'm Following God. I'm learning to Trust. Three things I've never been good at. And for the past two decades simply didn't do at all. But now I am. And it's Good. But there are times, each and every day, that I find myself begging God "Why? Why am I Different?" I know the answers. I went through my own personal hell to find them. That's not why I ask. I don't know why I ask that particular question. Yet. But I know why I beg. I'm sure there are a Great Many things worse than being Insane. I could have been the type that physically hurts other people instead of myself. I could have no conscious at all, no guilt over the things I have done. I could Embrace the Pain and use it to strengthen me instead of learning to feel it in order to give it to God. There are many things that are worse than simply being Crazy. But one of the steps up - is knowledge. Not only am I fucked up - but I know that. I see the consequences my insanity has wrought. I see how my neurosis and psychosis effects others. I see how my inability to understand basic facts of Life has broken people. At one points I only had moments of clarity to see this before I raised the barrier that kept this knowledge secured down in a prison deep within the recesses of my mind - the same prison that housed many other memories I could not handle. But therapy does not allow me to keep most of these prisoners. I feel again. I see the ramifications of my actions. A Step up from Insanity? Knowing you're Insane without being able to do anything about it. Well. This is not entirely true. And at the same time - it is. Rewiring my Brain takes time. It takes effort, Pain and Patience. A Great Fucking Deal of Patience. And sometimes it means I have to see the Insanity and not know how to stop it. To know I'm thinking crazy, responding inappropriately, acting like a Harley Quinn but not Actually KNOW another way! To know there IS Another Way - but NOT know what it is!!! Do you realize how much that Fucking BLOWS?! To WANT to do the Right Thing! But NOT KNOW HOW?! I just have to sit here and realize I'm doing something wrong, even if it's just in my Fucking Fucked-Up Brain, but having no idea what to do!!!!! I'm sorry. It's one of those times. It hurts and I don't know why. I don't know how to fix it. I don't know what to do. I just pray and ask God to be here while I cry and probably scream. Because sometimes that's what I have to do. Other times He shows me a different way. Maybe tonight will be one of those nights. Maybe someone will ask me to go dancing again, naw too late for that for an old maid like me now. Or maybe I'll find a movie that's just Perfect for the moment. Or maybe a book. Maybe I'll see something funny on facebook. Maybe my cats will cuddle and do something to cute to continue crying. Maybe I'll draw or just keep writing. There are so many ways out of the Pain now. It's Good to think on these things. It's Good to Feel. Even to Feel Pain. But my mind is only so strong, stronger than most. I mean - sure it's shattered a couple times. But God has put it back together Every. Single. Time. And each and every time He has done this - He makes it 10xs stronger than it was before. I am Broken. I am Shattered. But that's a GOOD Thing. I know this. I KNOW This. God does not heal me the way I was. He takes the shattered pieces as they are and in the Hands of a MasterCraftsman - the Brokenness is Transformed into something Beautiful. Course - maybe this is Delirium talking. Hmm. Maybe I'm in some kind of Truman Show or The Matrix. But I don't think so. My Craziness sometimes likes me to think that. But even the Craziness can't stand up to God. He tamed the Wild in me. He Befriended the Crazy. He found Value in my Brokenness. Because God is Love. And Love is what turns all that is Bad...into Good. He Who first Loved US. We Love because of Him. We heal because of Him. We are Transformed because of Him. Because He LOVES us. I should be dead. I should at least be contained in an Asylum permanently. I know why, even if many will never understand the extent of my madness. Funny how easily we can pass ourselves off as normal when we want so badly to hide the truth, huh? How easy it can be to hide to hide our true natures, it's funny really. Especially when we hide it so well from others, even we don't know it exists. Sin is really good at helping with that. It's funny how much we can hide from ourselves. Hidden sins? Translation - we all have Crazy deep down inside. It just comes in different forms. None of us are normal. I'm just not allowed to hide it anymore. No. I can't. I lost everything too many times. I was too alone. God gave me a Choice. Live and Follow Him or keep living as I was and ruining the lives of those that stupidly tried to love me. But He made it very clear I didn't have the option of dying. Not then. Sneaky God knows me too well. I can't stand hurting those I love. And so I chose to Follow Him and the Sneaky Son of God. Damn Omniscients. Yeah - well that Trinity is full of busybodies that are Aaaaalways Right. It can be fucking Obnoxious. It's also Amazing. I told you I'm Fucking Crazy. Embracing that comes with the Perk of saying what I'm really thinking. It's not like I don't talk to God this way. You'd think if He was so bent out of shape about it - He would have struck me down with lightening or some shit. But no. He's Deliberately kept me alive. Why? Fuck. I ask myself that every day. I'm here, I'm Broken. I'm constantly confused and struggling between all I've learned from Life and what I'm now allowing God to teach me. It's SO Hard y'all. I'm so tired. My head hurts and crying is just so messy! Why do we have to do it? I don't like it. I wish it would stop now. God Loves me, this I know - because He fucking told me so. Wait? What? That's not how the rhyme goes? Fuck me silly. The words must have gotten screwed up somewhere between Wonderland and The Cloud. I'm Broken and fucked up people. I know this. I don't deserve to Live. And yet I do. WHY?! Why the Fuck am I here?!

Because He Loves me.

And that's Enough. That's More than Enough.

Why?

If you're asking me that - you're asking the wrong person.

Go ask Him. What's the worst that can happen? You talk to a shower wall for a bit, hoping your roommate doesn't think your losing your mind? I did that. Try taking a dog for a walk - people don't think it's weird when you talk to pets. It's talking to God like He's a "Real Boy!" that really wigs people out. Even Christians. Good thing I'm learning to embrace the Crazy. Now God and I chat a lot more often. Fuck me - I'm tired. Maybe people will get something out of this. I know I did. Not sure exactly what, but the Pain has receded and I remember Truth. I remember Love. Like I said. It's more than enough. Thank You my Lord. Gnight <3

A Ramble on Pain, Emotions & Daddys

The Pain hit today. It was bad. But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because of what came out of it. Although - Surviving that Fuck is Hella Hard and yet - here I am. Writing. Thinking. Communicating way more coherently than "I HATE THEOLOGICAL CHRISTIANS!@!!!!!!!!" which is what I messaged a couple close friends of mine earlier before I stumbled into the shower to silently scream and physically sob as well as beg God Broken Record-style to "Please Take me Home. Please." Or to "Remind me why I'm here. Remind me why it's Worth It! Please!" Unfortunately I also have had a respiratory infection of some kind, so eventually coughing and having difficulty breathing while crying drove me to my room. At that point I was at the "One Step at a Time. One Breath at a Time. One Step at a Time. One Breath at a Time." Stage of my mental Breakdown. So that's what I did. I just focused on Breathing. That gave me the ability to think clearly enough I knew I needed a Distraction before the Pain was allowed to hit again. It can. It can hit over and over again for hours until I pass out from it. But it takes a while to scream myself until oblivion and those evenings SUCK. So I found my Pen and began to Doodle. Distraction is not the solution for every situation, but it is a Wonderful Method for handling the Pain when you get caught in a tornado that won't let you down. Men are also ACES at providing this. I swear having Awesome Guys in my life is like having my own personal Wizard of Oz Red Slippers that have consistently kept me anchored to reality. I love them. And one in particular is on my mind and the reason for this post. I Doodled until I could talk again. I then reassured my friends I was ok. I kept doodling and as my mind doesn't shut off - it kept thinking. But it was no longer spiraling towards Catastrophe. My thinking led me to call my Dad. Like everyone else - he is human and not perfect. But he's also my dad - and will forever be a hero in my eyes. We talked a bit about some necessary matters before I confessed that I had been hurt earlier by people who had replied to a comment I had stupidly posted online. My Dad, being quite logical and an engineer through and through gave me the basic advice that you will get from any mental institution, psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, etc - Own Your Emotions. Basically I was crying and said "What they said hurt, Daddy." That was when he rightly reminded me that they cannot hurt me, those are my emotions. I most take ownership of them. I agreed and it started me thinking on the spot. We ended the conversation with me having rephrased what I originally said, but I still was not content with my rephrasing. I kept thinking and I was excited with where God led my mind. Because - they Never hurt me! What was said by people who had no idea how small, flippant comments could impact me SO Monumentally - it WAS "Ridiculous" to be hurt by that! You're Totally right Daddy! But that's the thing - I wasn't! I was ANGRY. And I Totally OWN that emotion. Those comments inspired Livid Anger that had me throwing things in my own home, including my eyeglasses(which took me Foreeeever to find later btw). I remember I tried responding civilly twice and was unable to do so. In the end I took down my whole contribution to that post. The Pain didn't hit because they hurt me. The Pain hit when I realized that I couldn't make them see why I was angry! The Pain hit because you can't Make people learn things! I know this!!! I had SO Many who tried! I Lost Everything multiple times because I wouldn't and Couldn't SEE. Because you cannot make people See what they cannot See. A wise Momma of mine once told me that. And I know she had help learning that with me. The Pain hit because I know what I went through to learn what I have about God and this World. The Pain hit because I then remembered. I remembered the hospital visits. I remembered sitting in ICU, alone. I remembered hating myself. I remembered why. I remembered how much it HURT to be ALL ALONE. The Separation between me and God had turn a Gaping Wound in my Soul and I REMEMBERED. I don't remember things easily. I block most out for a reason. I know why and it's a Good thing I've decided. When I remember something - I rarely remember half-assed. No. I remember like it just happened. I remember like I'm still there. I rarely remember names, certainly not dates. I remember nothing that trivial. What I do Remember is how hard it was to go to the bathroom by myself in ICU. I remember all the IVs attached to me and having to push that pole into the bathroom with me. I remember I was still weak from my purposeful overdose and the consequent throwing up everything in my body. I remember having my period and being unable to change my pad by myself because I kept falling off the toilet from dizziness. I remember my mortification in having to ask for help and then having any remaining pride ripped from me when there were no girl nurses available. I remember laying on that hospital bed and knowing I had completely ruined any life I had rebuilt from my last fuck up. I remember the Despair in having been UnSuccessful in Killing myself. I Remember The Complete and Utter Hatred I had for myself in putting people through the Pain they experience every time I tried. I remember Fervently wishing I was Dead and Hating that God wouldn't Fucking let me Die. I remember all those emotions. I remember them now as I cry. I remember them now with the Strength God has given me since I was curled up on the shower floor earlier silently screaming and begging Him for Help. Yes. Those words hurt me. But not because of the people or even what was said exactly. I hurt because I know. I know what it's like to learn the Hard Way. The Hardest Ways there are. I know about Pain, why it exists and how easy it is to hurt others. And yes - while people do need to own to their emotions - many in this world do not have the empathy and Love needed to help them find the answers they seek. They are Callous and Cruel, in the name of God. Christians do more to Drive people away from the Cross than lead them to it. I Hurt tonight because I know this firsthand. I Hurt tonight because I know SO Many others that do as well. I Hurt tonight because I can't MAKE people see the Pain in the World. I can't force people to see they are hurting others. I can't FIX it!!! I want to - SO Bad. But I'm not Christ. And one of my Biggest Problems is that I see Pain and I want to be our Lord in Savior. I want to be the Healer of Souls. But I can't! So I also Hurt tonight from the World's Pain - because I forgot to give it Jesus. Not out of Pride - simply because my instincts are not to Follow God. My instincts are to do things myself because I feared God for most of my life. Thankfully I am at the point where I turn to God to remind me of things I forget. Things like Jesus being the Savior of the World - and not me. And no - I don't think I'm good enough to be. More like - I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I would rather take all the hurt. Why? Because my instincts are still that I deserve it. My instincts are that I'm Worthless. I have worked hard with God to realize my Value. I am His Beloved - but often it is hard to remember the finer points of this when you are concentrating on Breathing *wry smile*. I say all of this because of my Dad. Daddy - I bet you didn't know that one of the exercises that amazing therapist of mine is always trying to get me to do involves breaking down my emotions and finding out what they are and where they are each coming from. It is an exercise I detest. But yet again - he was right and I again see the wonders that is DBT. I love the thinking my mind did tonight. It is not driving me insane - it is being driven by God. He's So Great you guys. Like - I know He's all-powerful, all knowing, all those omnis. He could smite the world - and almost did once! He's Crazy Scary if you get on His bad side. Like Hell-a scary. Heehee - get it. Sorry. Bad joke. But that's the point. God is an Almighty and Pretty Friggin Scary when He wants to be. I mean - He has Totalled Civilizations! He has struck people down with plagues, lighting and brimstone! But the same God that cracks the earth in half to swallow people whole and parts the red sea for his chosen race - this God - He has such Patience for a Fuckup like me!! He soothes me when I cry. He reminds me He Loves me. He reminds me why this Sin-filled Life is Worth It. He not only earned my Trust, when I didn't deserve such a thing, not after I was the one to put Him in the Bad-Guy Pile. But He also continuously does so. My Relationship with God is the Greatest thing in my Life. I treasure it MORE than Life itself. Well. Obviously. I still often hate it here. Ok I know - I treasure it more than any of those I love. It's still hard - but I am giving Him my loved ones. Of course I realize they're already His, but I have a sinful tendency to not want them hurt. Not even if it forms a closer relationship with Him and Especially NOT if they have to learn the Hard Way, like me. I am NOT OK with that. But I need to be. And slowly - I am learning. This World is Full of Pain. It SUCKS. But that's just Life right now. It will be but a blip in our memories once were through this Growing Process on this Pilgrim's Progress. And so I do something else I've learned to do. Now that I'm back to being rational as well as coherent. I am remembering the Big Picture. We are here to bring Glory to God yes - and to learn. Most of what we learn will be the Hard Way. It's often how sin works. And all that I went through today - and through my Life - while I do NOT Wish that on my Worst Enemy - I will Trust God. He has earned it, despite being God and me not deserving such a Magnanimous Gesture. But He's God. He's Love. He knew that's what I needed to SEE. Because He's God. And so I understand that I need to Trust Him with others as well. It's one thing to know something - quite another to understand it. I always knew that this was not something I have grasped. And I still struggle with, and will struggle with it for quite some time. But everyone needs to learn. People often need Pain to see. I'm not ok with this, but I Trust God that He will Heal them from their Pain as He has healed my from mine. God does not cause Pain. That is a by-product of the sin in our own hearts, the hearts of others and the world at large. But God is there to bring the GOOD out of it. As He does with mine - He will do others. So this is my Goal and my Plea. Please God - let me be ok with more than my own Pain. Help me learn to Trust that You are there for Everyone who Hurts. I know You are - but let me Remember. I realize now that I am unhelpful when I try to take on too much. Please let me be YOUR assistant and not insist on You being mine. I'm sorry I do that. I have spent too long thinking there were no doctors around for a broken heart and soul - thinking that I was the best people could get. I've spent too long trying to mend my own shattered mind. I didn't realize you were not the enemy and I often still forget. Please - keep reminding me that You are the GREATEST Healer. That You are Powerful AND Relational. Please keep Reminding me of Your LOVE. I don't deserve any of this, but I ask anyways. We once made a deal - I would talk to you if I could be myself. I know nowadays that's what you wanted. I'm not perfect. I say things all wrong. I curse - like a lot. But you are the Doctor. You are the Healer. You are the Mechanic and Fixer of all things Broken. You are the Master Craftsman. Please. Please keep fixing me and this World. I know You will - so perhaps a better prayer would be Please let me Remember that You are doing so. Please let me See Your Wonder and Glory as it is displayed through the Works of Art you create in others. Please let me See the Good you bring out of Evil - out of sin, drama, suffering, Pain. Let me SEE You God - Please. And Thank You. Thank You for the Little Things. There is Nothing in this World that speaks to me more than how You show Your LOVE through such a simple thing as a Rainbow. Fuck me man - that's just so...WoW. Oh Golly Day. Ok. My mind is tiring now. There are no paragraph breaks, but fuck it. Let's see if anyone else can get something out of this Massive Ramble of mine. Love you my friends. God Loves you Better though. Never forget that. Please help me to Always Remember as well.

I Love When Things Click!

I'm cooking right now, but something hit me hard and Big and I'm SO Excited! I had to write it down before it's gone.

So Pretty much Everybody knows I'm single and I'm gonna be that way for a hella long time probs. I know I'm high-maintenance and Crazy to boot. Barney in How I Met Your Mother is TOTALLY Accurate with his Crazy to Hott scale for women. And I'm simply Never going to fall into the "Safe" Range. I've also always loved those memes about a girl needing a guy who can "handle her". Although...Will Smith's is my Fave.

Crap my food's burning.

Hold that thought.

Ok ok.

So

But that's the thing. How did I miss this?! I already have a man to handle my Crazy!

Christ came and saved me, from my sin, Pain, drama and my Crazy :D

Cause sorry Will - I can't handle that shit.

But neither could any guy and it's bothered me for a while.

I guess. I thought. I dunno. That I had to be Worth It. That all my Pain, my Brokeness and my Crazy.

I guess I figured that it had to be kinda like Barney's Chart.

Not with hottness to even it.

But like - Good works, kindness, thoughtfulness - all those Fruits of the Spirit.

Like - maybe if I could be Crazy AND a Proverbs 31 Woman - then I would be dateable.

But that's not how it has to work!

And Good thing too - Because that's just Too Much.

Just because no man I know is 100% Perfect.

Just because none of them are Christ, Himself...

That doesn't mean they can't handle me.

Like I said - I can't handle me!

But I've found, rather recently - that I don't have to.

Which is good because I don't have the Strength for my Crazy Brokenness.

Which is why I am SO Grateful that God gives me HIS Strength.

And that's the answer.

That's what clicked.

I don't need a guy to think I'm Worth It.

That I fit into the "Safe" quadrant on some Christian Barney-style Chart.

I just need the patience to wait for a guy who's willing to pray for the Strength to deal with The Crazy.

Just like me.

I assume I will be praying for Strength for His Obliviousness as well.

So it evens out rather nicely probs :)

Anyhoot - my food's done and I'm hungry.

Just pretty excited to have that puzzle piece click into place.

Thanks BigMan

I Do Know - I Just Forget Sometimes :)

Who am I?

I don't know.

It's been bothering me.

I've been a Bible-Totin, naive, oblivious, nose-stuck-in-a-book teenage girl. I've been I don't care what I look like, have poop all over me, Wildlife Canadian Intern. I've been a two-faced Christian, lying to my parents like a pro while I'm out boozing and trying to forget Life. I've been a depressed woman just trying to survive and eventually giving up. I've been a woman who found hope in a man - I was a good girlfriend, but he could not be my Savior. I was then a woman who lost hope and the life of normalcy I had been able to rebuild. I was a woman who started over looking for another way and another persona that might keep me alive. I've done this over and over and over and over and over and over again. I've been an angry rocker chick in my leather jacket, covered in piercings on the back of a motorcycle. I've been a high-classed, sophisticated socialite, sitting around a table talking politics with a very price Bordeaux on hand. I've been a hooker without the income. I've been a clubber without the drugs and alcohol. I've done the country girl, four-wheeling, tree-climbing, creek-wading bit. I've done the 8(or was it 11?)month rehab, crazy girl routine. I've done the Family is Everything. I've done the happiness is all that matters. I've done Depressed. I've done the Hatred is what keeps me alive. I've done normal and I've done crazy. I've even done both simultaneously - although it doesn't work for very long.

So here's the problem. I've spent my whole life looking for what, I didn't know - trying on persona after persona in my Frantic Search. I've been up and down. I've been all around and I never found it. Because while I was looking for that elusive Meaning to Life - I was also running away from it. I was running away from God while searching for Him. I was like some action thriller with every government agency in the world out to get me. Constantly changing who I am to stay alive and find the answer I seek. And then He got all sneaky sneaky on me and caught me. He caught me by earning my Trust unknowingly. Now I'm no longer running. I'm safe, with Him. And I'm flummoxed.

Who am I supposed to be now?

I've been so many different people. I've learned how to act in so many different ways. I like to curse, but I also like to be respectful. I like to be normal, but I'm learning to like my crazy. I like dancing dirty and I like dancing silly. I like being loud and I like being quiet. I like SO Many different kinds of music. My fashion is an Absolute Mess. I like dressing up and dressing lounge-style. Sometimes I like looking high-society and sometimes I want to look like a cowgirl. I even like to wear heels and a dress with an apron while I bake. Yes. I like that just as much as when I wear my ripped jeans, harley quinn tube top and lip-tattoos to a movie. So who am I?

I guess this is really an answer to an earlier plea I made to God. Because I KNOW who I am.

I am His Beloved.

After that, the details don't matter. But when I stopped to think about it right now I realized something finally. All my life experiences? As shitty as they often were - I can take the Good out of them. God allows that! In fact - He insists on it! So yeah - maybe some of my fashion loves came from strippers and drugged out rock-stars. Yeah - maybe my clubbing days taught me some seriously inappropriate moves on top of some great swing-dance steps. I don't have to be ashamed to keep pieces of who I was, just because I follow God. I like cursing! I just don't do it with everybody. I like wearing fancy high-heels just as much as I like going barefoot! I like Saving Abel just as much as Chris Rice! I like going to Church and I like going to bars with my friends! These things don't make me contradictory and while no one has told me that - I have!

I've always molded myself to be with whomever has taken me in. I'm currently in a conservative world with cardigan-wearing women and even though it looks good on them - it's taken me forever to realize that I don't have to wear them myself! I can wear my leather jackets and my funny hats! I don't have to Love Nicholas Sparks to be apart of the gang and I really just don't like those books much. I'm more of a fan of JR Tolkein and Harry Potter. Even more so Tamora Pierce, K.M. Shea and Anne McCaffrey. I don't have to love The UnBreakable Kimmy Schmidt or A Series of Unfortunate Events either! I know that makes sense to some people, but I tried SO Hard to like them because of my friends raving about them. It didn't even occur to me that I was allowed to like my own things. And honestly - Action Comedy is always going to be my Absolute Favorite. Independence Day, Deadpool, Sahara, a Knight's Tale, Guardians of the Galaxy - those are my jams. Although - give me a bloody, unrealistic action like 300, Django, Sucker Punch and Reign of Fire and I'm also Heppy Heppy Heppy. Yeah - I like Duck Tales too :)

So in Conclusion: my Life was Hard but I was given a Great Gift and I'm only just now realizing it. I have been SO Many different women and gotten to Experience thousands of things I didn't like or liked very much. Now I just have to sift through and figure out what I like and that God still approves of. We talk about it a lot. Pretty positive He does not approve of super revealing clothing....in public. But it's alright to dress sexy in the safety of my own Home. Same with dancing. And just cause my clothes are modest, does not mean my underthings have to be! My girlfriends taught me that :) I still like dirty jokes too, I just am careful who I enjoy them with.

A lot of the things that God doesn't approve of - I really just don't like anymore. Not a fan of getting drunk or breaking the law. I get nauseous just at the thought of lying. Other things I stopped liking just because - well - I didn't like them. I don't like chicken or diet soda. I don't care if they're good for me. I don't really like wearing a whole bunch of jewelry all the time - the piercings in particular tend to get infected and that's a pain in the ass. I don't like doing my hair AT ALL. I only like doing my makeup for fun - NOT as a Necessity. I also still don't like cardigans.

Most things though - God helps me compromise on. I mean, I still LOVE Body Art, but I also now believe certain things about what it means for my body to be a Temple of God. And no - I do not believe scarring myself is honoring to Him. So, I settle for temporary tattoos and drawing on myself with special pens :D And so that's me. I don't know who I am still. I've been so many different kinds of women and these past couple of years I've really taken a butt-load of time to figure out which aspects are me and which aren't. Or to mold aspects that I like to bring Glory to God rather than Disgrace.

And so I don't know who I am - but I'm enjoying finding out. Well - I get overwhelmed by it too. It's a lot to go through. But when I sit back and remember the Big Picture I remember the Joy. Which is why I was writing this. And so I like Pink. I like flowers and sappy movies. I like dresses and baking. I like tea, coffee -but Hot Cocoa the Most! I like dancing to pop music in the kitchen or my shower. And yes - I do drop it, pop it, polka dot it. I also like to sing to it, sometimes. That usually has to do with who's in hearing range though ;) I'm still a picky reader and I'm still an eclectic music junky. I like to talk, but I like companionable silence more. I still hate small talk. I don't think I'll ever like chicken very much. I'm still quite positive Cheeseburgers are God's gift to mankind and MILK is God's gift to me.

I guess if I wanted to sum up my contradictory nature in one scene it would probably be me wearing a conservative dress, running up to my dad with Bible in hand whilst turning off Lana Del Rey on my phone. My phone goes in my purse along with my heels and out come my favorite pair of men's sunglasses(sadly no flames as they only seem to sell those in child-size form these days). I don those as well as a helmet over my completely unkempt hair that has a brilliant streak of pink running through it. Dad steady's the bike and I swing behind him, hoping he won't notice I'm riding barefoot again. He takes off down the street towards church and I grin that idiot smile like I always do when I feel like I'm flying and safe.

Those Sunday Mornings were always The Best <3

Taken at Downtown Live in 2008. One of their Best Concert Series Ever! It's one of those pictures where I look at it and remember how happy I was. In particular I remember I had found bits and pieces of ME. I remember me brother-in-law hopeful, Andy taking so many pictures and I caved and posed for one. I remember how I felt, surrounded by friends and safe with a man I loved, who had taken me in. I remember that feeling. It was nice. I had a home again and people who wanted me. I remember enjoying that Day SO Much because of that. And they let me be me. They weren't perfect and neither was I, but they were very good at that. I was different and it was a good thing to them. It gave me a time of Normalcy and Rest that I needed. I loved that shirt, I loved having my nails done and wearing sunglasses with my contacts. I loved my jeans and sparkly belt and I have no doubt I had already kicked my sandals off. That was one of the Best Days of my Life.

I have it again. It's Different. But that Safety is Better - it's MORE. The Love is All-Encompassing and Wonderfully Overwhelming. I'm happy, yes - and often sad. I'm feeling and it's hard. I'm crazy and that's ok. I am not the girl from that picture - but she's still apart of who I am. I am often Broken and Silent and Hurting. I laugh as I cry and I scream. I am No Untouched Flower. But I am the Perfect Storm in the Sea.

I am not pretty - I am Beloved.

I am not sweet - I am More.

I am not thoughtful - I'm Crazy.

I am not kind - I am the Perfect Storm.

I am His Perfect Storm.

Thank You my Lord

Please. I want to Believe.

Ignorance is Bliss.

At least - that's how the saying goes. And honestly - that's what I've always believed. Still do in fact.
I realized today that not many people have changed as much as I have in three "short" decades. Not many people have been a goody-toe-shoes. A nice, sheltered, innocent teenage Christian Girl and then did a complete 180 to become a Crazy Party Girl with no moral compass. And those aren't the only two girls I have been. I have been struggling to find me for years now. And sometimes I find bits of me, but more often than not I've lost them again. I have had so many different experiences that have shaped me drastically and I have been SO Many Different Types of Girls! It's been a terror finding ME. But I have. And so I say - Ignorance is still Bliss.

I didn't get a choice in most of the Important Experiences that shaped the girls I was. Ones that I did specifically choose - it was out of survival. Granted it was still a choice - but it was between that Experience and Death. Eventually - I started choosing Death. And so I say Ignorance is Bliss. I would rather be that sweet, sheltered girl - who was struggling but didn't know it. I would rather be that Innocent, cliche Christian than Really Understand Grace. It's True. I would Trade ALL my Wisdom, my Intensely Complicated and Deep Relationship with God for a shallow one. One that shielded me from Pain, kept me reasonably normal looking and average - I would give up the ME I am finding for a girl that was Never REAL. I Would.

I would Give it all Up in a HeartBeat.

And it's not because I don't LOVE where I am!

I DO!!! SO MUCH!

I Love Where I am and where I am Going.

I Love how God took my Life and made it into Something BETTER. He took my Brokenness and made it Beautiful. Oh Fuck. WoW.

But I would give it up. I would. Isn't that sad? I would give it all up not to have Experienced the Journey. I would give up all that He has done for me to NOT have had to learn it the Hard Way. But that's what makes us human, right? I mean - Adam and Eve had to know, for themselves, they had to learn the Hard Way. They couldn't just take God's Word. And so I follow in Eve's footsteps. I NEED to KNOW. And then I wish I had just taken God's Word. I wish I had learned the Easy Way. Or better yet, just stayed Oblivious to it all.

Curiosity killed the Cat, but Satisfaction Brought it Back. In a way, that's very True. Only in the Crazy Depths maybe could you see why. And I don't feel like trying to explain it. I will say that God is teaching me SO Much and I am SO Grateful. But not Grateful enough that I wouldn't trade it in. And that's not Good enough for me. That's Not Good Enough for what HE has Done for me! Don't you see?! I don't want to just be Grateful for my Life now! I don't want it to JUST be Worth It! I want to look back at my first self, before I started questioning life and say that I was right to do that! I didn't handle the answers well, but that's not what I'm saying.

Ignorance is Bliss. I still believe that. But I don't WANT TO! I Want to Believe this Life I have Lived is MORE than Just Worth It! I want to Believe - to Honestly Believe - that I wouldn't Give it Up for a life of a sheltered, average, cliche and normal adulthood. I want it to Be MORE than Worth It. I want all that I have learned to be worth more than Anything Else I Treasure. I want the Deep Relationship with God to be worth The PAIN.

If you gave me two girls I could be:
The Intense, Complicated, Impure, Insane, and Batshit Crazy Girl I am now - who is Head over Heels for Christ and Truly Understands GRACE.
OR
A girl who kept herself Sheltered and Pure, Appears normal and average, Sweet but Cliche, Loves God but doesn't Understand what that can Really Mean...

Yeah - of course. If you are the first - you are probably with me. I've been both and I choose the latter. It's not me and it was never meant to be. Even without my experiences I was never average, I always had a bit of Crazy. But I would still pick sheltered and pure over what I am now. And I DON'T Want that to be my Choice!

I am Glad God didn't give me one - because I sure as Hell would not have picked who I am today! Even if I am Grateful. And that's not Enough! God is Worth MORE! I know that!!! I DO! But I want to Believe it! Please Lord - Help me to see that YOU ARE WORTH MORE! Please. Please. You are worth more than for me to give up all that I have learned for a shallow and average Relationship. Help me to not just know I should know. But to Truly SEE that. Please. I want to See and Believe that You are Worth More. That a DEEP and Abiding Relationship with you is Worth More than the Shallow Relationship I would choose in an instant. Please. Please let me see that. Please.