A Ramble on Pain, Emotions & Daddys

The Pain hit today. It was bad. But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because of what came out of it. Although - Surviving that Fuck is Hella Hard and yet - here I am. Writing. Thinking. Communicating way more coherently than "I HATE THEOLOGICAL CHRISTIANS!@!!!!!!!!" which is what I messaged a couple close friends of mine earlier before I stumbled into the shower to silently scream and physically sob as well as beg God Broken Record-style to "Please Take me Home. Please." Or to "Remind me why I'm here. Remind me why it's Worth It! Please!" Unfortunately I also have had a respiratory infection of some kind, so eventually coughing and having difficulty breathing while crying drove me to my room. At that point I was at the "One Step at a Time. One Breath at a Time. One Step at a Time. One Breath at a Time." Stage of my mental Breakdown. So that's what I did. I just focused on Breathing. That gave me the ability to think clearly enough I knew I needed a Distraction before the Pain was allowed to hit again. It can. It can hit over and over again for hours until I pass out from it. But it takes a while to scream myself until oblivion and those evenings SUCK. So I found my Pen and began to Doodle. Distraction is not the solution for every situation, but it is a Wonderful Method for handling the Pain when you get caught in a tornado that won't let you down. Men are also ACES at providing this. I swear having Awesome Guys in my life is like having my own personal Wizard of Oz Red Slippers that have consistently kept me anchored to reality. I love them. And one in particular is on my mind and the reason for this post. I Doodled until I could talk again. I then reassured my friends I was ok. I kept doodling and as my mind doesn't shut off - it kept thinking. But it was no longer spiraling towards Catastrophe. My thinking led me to call my Dad. Like everyone else - he is human and not perfect. But he's also my dad - and will forever be a hero in my eyes. We talked a bit about some necessary matters before I confessed that I had been hurt earlier by people who had replied to a comment I had stupidly posted online. My Dad, being quite logical and an engineer through and through gave me the basic advice that you will get from any mental institution, psychiatrist, therapist, counselor, etc - Own Your Emotions. Basically I was crying and said "What they said hurt, Daddy." That was when he rightly reminded me that they cannot hurt me, those are my emotions. I most take ownership of them. I agreed and it started me thinking on the spot. We ended the conversation with me having rephrased what I originally said, but I still was not content with my rephrasing. I kept thinking and I was excited with where God led my mind. Because - they Never hurt me! What was said by people who had no idea how small, flippant comments could impact me SO Monumentally - it WAS "Ridiculous" to be hurt by that! You're Totally right Daddy! But that's the thing - I wasn't! I was ANGRY. And I Totally OWN that emotion. Those comments inspired Livid Anger that had me throwing things in my own home, including my eyeglasses(which took me Foreeeever to find later btw). I remember I tried responding civilly twice and was unable to do so. In the end I took down my whole contribution to that post. The Pain didn't hit because they hurt me. The Pain hit when I realized that I couldn't make them see why I was angry! The Pain hit because you can't Make people learn things! I know this!!! I had SO Many who tried! I Lost Everything multiple times because I wouldn't and Couldn't SEE. Because you cannot make people See what they cannot See. A wise Momma of mine once told me that. And I know she had help learning that with me. The Pain hit because I know what I went through to learn what I have about God and this World. The Pain hit because I then remembered. I remembered the hospital visits. I remembered sitting in ICU, alone. I remembered hating myself. I remembered why. I remembered how much it HURT to be ALL ALONE. The Separation between me and God had turn a Gaping Wound in my Soul and I REMEMBERED. I don't remember things easily. I block most out for a reason. I know why and it's a Good thing I've decided. When I remember something - I rarely remember half-assed. No. I remember like it just happened. I remember like I'm still there. I rarely remember names, certainly not dates. I remember nothing that trivial. What I do Remember is how hard it was to go to the bathroom by myself in ICU. I remember all the IVs attached to me and having to push that pole into the bathroom with me. I remember I was still weak from my purposeful overdose and the consequent throwing up everything in my body. I remember having my period and being unable to change my pad by myself because I kept falling off the toilet from dizziness. I remember my mortification in having to ask for help and then having any remaining pride ripped from me when there were no girl nurses available. I remember laying on that hospital bed and knowing I had completely ruined any life I had rebuilt from my last fuck up. I remember the Despair in having been UnSuccessful in Killing myself. I Remember The Complete and Utter Hatred I had for myself in putting people through the Pain they experience every time I tried. I remember Fervently wishing I was Dead and Hating that God wouldn't Fucking let me Die. I remember all those emotions. I remember them now as I cry. I remember them now with the Strength God has given me since I was curled up on the shower floor earlier silently screaming and begging Him for Help. Yes. Those words hurt me. But not because of the people or even what was said exactly. I hurt because I know. I know what it's like to learn the Hard Way. The Hardest Ways there are. I know about Pain, why it exists and how easy it is to hurt others. And yes - while people do need to own to their emotions - many in this world do not have the empathy and Love needed to help them find the answers they seek. They are Callous and Cruel, in the name of God. Christians do more to Drive people away from the Cross than lead them to it. I Hurt tonight because I know this firsthand. I Hurt tonight because I know SO Many others that do as well. I Hurt tonight because I can't MAKE people see the Pain in the World. I can't force people to see they are hurting others. I can't FIX it!!! I want to - SO Bad. But I'm not Christ. And one of my Biggest Problems is that I see Pain and I want to be our Lord in Savior. I want to be the Healer of Souls. But I can't! So I also Hurt tonight from the World's Pain - because I forgot to give it Jesus. Not out of Pride - simply because my instincts are not to Follow God. My instincts are to do things myself because I feared God for most of my life. Thankfully I am at the point where I turn to God to remind me of things I forget. Things like Jesus being the Savior of the World - and not me. And no - I don't think I'm good enough to be. More like - I don't want anyone to hurt like I do. I would rather take all the hurt. Why? Because my instincts are still that I deserve it. My instincts are that I'm Worthless. I have worked hard with God to realize my Value. I am His Beloved - but often it is hard to remember the finer points of this when you are concentrating on Breathing *wry smile*. I say all of this because of my Dad. Daddy - I bet you didn't know that one of the exercises that amazing therapist of mine is always trying to get me to do involves breaking down my emotions and finding out what they are and where they are each coming from. It is an exercise I detest. But yet again - he was right and I again see the wonders that is DBT. I love the thinking my mind did tonight. It is not driving me insane - it is being driven by God. He's So Great you guys. Like - I know He's all-powerful, all knowing, all those omnis. He could smite the world - and almost did once! He's Crazy Scary if you get on His bad side. Like Hell-a scary. Heehee - get it. Sorry. Bad joke. But that's the point. God is an Almighty and Pretty Friggin Scary when He wants to be. I mean - He has Totalled Civilizations! He has struck people down with plagues, lighting and brimstone! But the same God that cracks the earth in half to swallow people whole and parts the red sea for his chosen race - this God - He has such Patience for a Fuckup like me!! He soothes me when I cry. He reminds me He Loves me. He reminds me why this Sin-filled Life is Worth It. He not only earned my Trust, when I didn't deserve such a thing, not after I was the one to put Him in the Bad-Guy Pile. But He also continuously does so. My Relationship with God is the Greatest thing in my Life. I treasure it MORE than Life itself. Well. Obviously. I still often hate it here. Ok I know - I treasure it more than any of those I love. It's still hard - but I am giving Him my loved ones. Of course I realize they're already His, but I have a sinful tendency to not want them hurt. Not even if it forms a closer relationship with Him and Especially NOT if they have to learn the Hard Way, like me. I am NOT OK with that. But I need to be. And slowly - I am learning. This World is Full of Pain. It SUCKS. But that's just Life right now. It will be but a blip in our memories once were through this Growing Process on this Pilgrim's Progress. And so I do something else I've learned to do. Now that I'm back to being rational as well as coherent. I am remembering the Big Picture. We are here to bring Glory to God yes - and to learn. Most of what we learn will be the Hard Way. It's often how sin works. And all that I went through today - and through my Life - while I do NOT Wish that on my Worst Enemy - I will Trust God. He has earned it, despite being God and me not deserving such a Magnanimous Gesture. But He's God. He's Love. He knew that's what I needed to SEE. Because He's God. And so I understand that I need to Trust Him with others as well. It's one thing to know something - quite another to understand it. I always knew that this was not something I have grasped. And I still struggle with, and will struggle with it for quite some time. But everyone needs to learn. People often need Pain to see. I'm not ok with this, but I Trust God that He will Heal them from their Pain as He has healed my from mine. God does not cause Pain. That is a by-product of the sin in our own hearts, the hearts of others and the world at large. But God is there to bring the GOOD out of it. As He does with mine - He will do others. So this is my Goal and my Plea. Please God - let me be ok with more than my own Pain. Help me learn to Trust that You are there for Everyone who Hurts. I know You are - but let me Remember. I realize now that I am unhelpful when I try to take on too much. Please let me be YOUR assistant and not insist on You being mine. I'm sorry I do that. I have spent too long thinking there were no doctors around for a broken heart and soul - thinking that I was the best people could get. I've spent too long trying to mend my own shattered mind. I didn't realize you were not the enemy and I often still forget. Please - keep reminding me that You are the GREATEST Healer. That You are Powerful AND Relational. Please keep Reminding me of Your LOVE. I don't deserve any of this, but I ask anyways. We once made a deal - I would talk to you if I could be myself. I know nowadays that's what you wanted. I'm not perfect. I say things all wrong. I curse - like a lot. But you are the Doctor. You are the Healer. You are the Mechanic and Fixer of all things Broken. You are the Master Craftsman. Please. Please keep fixing me and this World. I know You will - so perhaps a better prayer would be Please let me Remember that You are doing so. Please let me See Your Wonder and Glory as it is displayed through the Works of Art you create in others. Please let me See the Good you bring out of Evil - out of sin, drama, suffering, Pain. Let me SEE You God - Please. And Thank You. Thank You for the Little Things. There is Nothing in this World that speaks to me more than how You show Your LOVE through such a simple thing as a Rainbow. Fuck me man - that's just so...WoW. Oh Golly Day. Ok. My mind is tiring now. There are no paragraph breaks, but fuck it. Let's see if anyone else can get something out of this Massive Ramble of mine. Love you my friends. God Loves you Better though. Never forget that. Please help me to Always Remember as well.