I have many thoughts on this. I have very strong opinions on the general roles women should play in the lives of their men, as well as the role of women in society. I have few opinions that are this strong, as these have been formed through years of intense experiences, relationships and an awareness that came with the willingness to change my thoughts accordingly. Awareness of myself, my beliefs, where they come from and why - are an important part of how I was able to learn to function and live again. I do not intentionally lie to myself about my own opinions, even when I do not like them myself. A person cannot change this way. And I had to change. Therefore - my opinions will often change, as they must.
For example - I cannot trust women, is fallacy. I always knew it was, but I didn't lie to myself about the fact that I believed it. And it took years for me to truly understand why I believed that, in order to change my thinking. And despite what many believe, logic won't help with many miss-beliefs. Just because something is not true, and you know it, does not mean you can formulate your way out of this problem as easy as 1+2=x. Beliefs are deep, intricate, complex and built over years and years, through not only experiences and teachings, but subconscious interactions and learnt-behaviors. To unravel a deep-set understanding of life, will take far more than simply knowing it is wrong. Which is Extremely Shitty in my opinion.
Although, awareness is the first and possibly most important step in the process. Which is why lying to yourself about this, is pure folly. And something that completely boggles my mind. Why anybody wouldn't want to change a wrong opinion baffles me. Why people avoid seeing their flaws, when that will do nothing more then work to inset them permanently - completely blows my mind. I may dislike seeing how messed up I am, but NOT seeing -- is SO MUCH WORSE! It's like dousing strong perfume in a car filled with the nastiness of farts and not ventilation. It doesn't cover up the smell! It just makes driving super uncomfortable, if not impossible.
But that's typically how ignorance works. Covering up what you know to be true with some lie to yourself. It's a coping mechanism. A life strategy. For various reasons, people employ this method, often to function. And it's really important to do things, like get out of bed and go to work when you're an adult. So to an extent, I do understand why people would ignore problems in themselves. How else would they be able to deal? And of course, I did it myself for years and years without even realizing it. I imagine their are countless of people who do this also. So maybe I can find some empathy after all.
So, to summarize thus far - I work hard to know my own beliefs: what they are, why they are, whether they are right, wrong; good, bad or ugly. Therefore, when I say I have strong beliefs on my role as a wife - these thoughts have been thoroughly worked upon, and will continue to be explored for a long time coming. I do not speak such things lightly, although I do often communicate poorly or with language that comes out far more black and white then intended. Thankfully when I do this, many have an easy time seeing past what I actually say, to see what I'm intending to say. But I am, of course, still working on it.
With that in mind, let me finally express my inflammatory opinion that my husband has the final say in our relationship. As I have friends on the extreme ends of both sides of this argument - I realize I'm placing myself directly in the middle of a warzone. And I do not plan on ever debating this. I have had many discussions on this in personal settings, but debating is not a strength of mine. So anyone reading who wishes this - I am sorry to deny you.
Do let me tell you all just a little more though before you depart in anger or contentment.
My husband has the final say, but the conversation is not over and no decision can be made - if I am upset. He must take care of me, my thoughts and feelings. I must help him see what he cannot and push him in ways he won't push himself.
That is what I believe. Strongly. And I believe it is a Good belief, and a Godly belief. Men cannot, and should not even attempt to function without women. If men are making decisions for women, then women MUST be a part of those conversations. And I know many women who balk at that. Because, let's be real here - pushing men can truly Suck. I hate it. I hate it I hate it I HATE IT. Especially when I am resented for it! I would probably rather make a decision, than push my husband to make it. But truly - I just want him to do both. I simply want to wrap my arms around my knight-in-shining-armor and just be blissfully happy with wherever he takes me. But that's a Fairy Tale, not reality.
My Sam hates making decisions for us. But he must. I find it easy to make decisions, but I won't. At least, not for US. I am not remotely comfortable with making decisions for him. I have not explored why that is enough to write it here, but suffice for this ramble to say -- making decisions for Samuel makes me incredibly unhappy. And pushing him to make decisions often causes strife. Thankfully, we are learning how to do this better and better. I am learning how and when to push, that make it easier on him. He is extremely aware that he needs to be pushed and that I do not enjoy this. Thus, he has worked hard at not letting me feel resented for it. In the midst of being pushed, he has even shown his Gratefulness. Being pushed is about as much fun as pushing, and appreciation goes far to bring relief and love to a tense situation. And in my case, also a very teary "I hate this!" as I hit the end of my ability to push him.
But this is how we do life together; how we grow together. This is how he he came to hug people, besides those he was crushing on. This was how we got engaged. This is how I was able to rearrange the dishes in the kitchen to integrate my own things. This is how we did not get a puppy. Because often the final decision is No, but not until I am ok with it. And Thank You God on that one. I like my family having puppies - I find no pleasure in having one myself.
Samuel has been saying No to me for as long as we've been close friends. And then he started learning how to say it with tact and love :) Now he's working on backing himself up with explanations that make sense, not just to your average engineer's logical thinking -- but to a person like me who understands emotional reasoning far better. It's not easy, but he tries. We both do. Cause in the end, that's how relationships work. We try. We fail. We look to God. Cycle Repeat. And hopefully, we get a little better each time.
These are just some of my thoughts on my role as a wife. Subject to change, not spoken concisely, or perhaps even well. But there you have it. That's me. That's Life. Not remotely perfect. But used by God nonetheless <3
