This has been one of those weeks, one of those lows where you withdraw from the world and just cross your fingers and hope the pain ends soon. You cry, you sleep, you snap and hide, but you definitely don't pray. Why? Because:
14 We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. 15 I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. 16 And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. 17 As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. 18 For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.[c] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out.19 For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. 20 Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. --Romans 7:14-20
All time favorite verse and the story of my life! You know, I can in all honestly say there's not a time, that I remember, that I did not know when I did something morally wrong. I might have done it and been unwilling to apologize as in my youth, or unwilling to stop, as an adult. But as I sift through my many unpleasant memories I remember that, I always knew I was wrong and did it anyways. I wouldn't be at all surprised to find I've missed sins (the "unknown sins"), but I literally don't remember a time someone had to point something out to me that I didn't already know and was simply ignoring, turning a blind eye or blatantly staring at and saying "screw you" to God. I am the opiteme of Romans 7. I never wanted to sin. I never wanted to live so morally depraved or even have a miserable week this past week, but I did. And I did it flamboyantly. I flaunted my wretchedness and pain and basically gave the finger to God. But why?! Why is it so hard to be good, especially when we know how! We know the laws! We're given what's right and wrong in one handy dandy, fit in your phone rule book! And yet, yet, we are sinners.
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? --Romans 7:21-24
Who indeed? But I think you know the answer, as we all do once God begins to work in our hearts.
It passes through the darkness, filters through the clouds, mingles with starlight, and finds its way to my heart on the path of a sunbeam.
I have anguished over the cry of a hare choked in the noose of a snare, a sparrow tumbled from the nest of its mother, a child thrashing helplessly in a pond, and a son shedding his blood on a cross.
Know that I hear you, also. Be at peace. Be calm.
I bring thee relief for your sorrow for I know its cause ... and its cure.
You weep for all your childhood dreams that have vanished with the years.
You weep for all your self-esteem that has been corrupted by failure.
You weep for all your potential that has been bartered for security.
You weep for all your talent that has been wasted through misuse.
You look upon yourself with disgrace and you turn in terror from the image you see in the pool. Who is this mockery of humanity staring back at you with bloodless eyes of shame?
Where is the grace of your manner, the beauty of your figure, the quickness of your movement, the clarity of your mind, the brilliance of your tongue? Who stole your goods? Is the thief's identity known to you, as it is to me?
Once you placed your head in a pillow of grass in your father's field and looked up at a cathedral of clouds and knew that all the gold of Babylon would be yours in time.
Once you read from many books and wrote on many tablets, convinced beyond any doubt that all the wisdom of Solomon would be equaled and surpassed by you.
And the seasons would flow into years until lo, you would reign supreme in your own garden of Eden.
Dost thou remember who implanted those plans and dreams and seeds of hope within you?
You cannot.
You have no memory of that moment when first you emerged from your mother's womb and I placed my hand on your soft brow. And the secret I whispered in your small ear when I bestowed my blessings upon you?
Remember our secret?
You cannot.
The passing years have destroyed your recollection, for they have filled your mind with fear and doubt and anxiety and remorse and hate and there is no room for joyful memories where these beasts habitate.
Weep no more. I am with you ... and this moment is the dividing line of your life. All that has gone before is like unto no more than that time you slept within your mother's womb. What is past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead.
This day you return from the living dead.
This day, like unto Elijah with the widow's son, I stretch myself upon thee three times and you live again.
This day, like unto Elisha with the Shunammite's son, I put my mouth upon your mouth and my eyes upon your eyes and my hands upon your hands and your flesh is warm again.
This day, like unto Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus, I command you to come forth and you will walk from your cave of doom to begin a new life.
This is your birthday. This is your new date of birth. Your first life, like unto a play of the theatre, was only a rehearsal. This time the curtain is up. This time the world watches and waits to applaud. This time you will not fail.
Light your candles. Share your cake. Pour the wine. You have been reborn.
Like a butterfly from its chrysalis you will fly ... fly as high as you wish, and neither the wasps nor dragonflies nor mantids of mankind shall obstruct your mission or your search for the true riches of life.
Feel my hand upon thy head.
Attend to my wisdom.
Let me share with you, again, the secret you heard at your birth and forgot.
You are my greatest miracle.
You are the greatest miracle in the world."
--Og Mandino "The God Memorandum" The Greatest Miracle in the World
You've fallen and you can't get up. You've hit rock bottom. You just can't do this anymore. But you can! Look around you! Open your eyes! There are people who love you! Here's an excerpt from a novel I'm writing:
21 So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. 22 For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; 23 but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me.24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? --Romans 7:21-24
Who indeed? But I think you know the answer, as we all do once God begins to work in our hearts.
25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature a slave to the law of sin. --Romans 7:25
Thanks be.
But some of you, I know, are questioning that last verse, as I did. I mean, if I am a slave to the law of sin then I have no choice to sin and can therefore just give up on trying to be good. I mean I try and try, but I just can't, I can't stop thinking these ungodly thoughts. I need time to brace myself before I give this sin up. I conquer one sin only to find another has taken it's place. Or I just don't want to stop even though I know it's wrong. That's the hardest I think: I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. Doesn't make a lot of sense? Think about it. Haven't you ever had a sin that you knew was wrong, in your mind, but just didn't weigh on your conscious? And maybe you haven't, but I have and it makes it more difficult to stop. Maybe you think the Holy Spirit controls your conscious and that's not possible but I would disagree.
God made sex special and to be within the confines of marriage, but I've never felt guilty about living with my boyfriends. I knew I shouldn't and I wanted to be married, but you'd be hard pressed to tell me I didn't enjoy every second of my time with them physically, especially in the bedroom, with ease. The only guilt I felt, was not having guilt. I do believe that the Holy Spirit uses your conscious, what I always see as that gut feeling in your stomach when you feel bad about what you're doing, to help us steer clear of our sins. But in some cases He has to resort to other means. In my case with sex, the Holy Spirit used the respect I have gained for God and my future husband to stop me from breaking God's law. Because ultimately there's no point in looking for ways to stop sinning, sinning is only a by-product of our sinful nature. There's nothing we can do about it. It's only once we believe that Jesus died for our sins and receive the Holy Spirit, that we belong to God and...
14 For those who are led by the Spirit of God are the children of God. 15 The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8"14-15
We may stumble or sink, but He's always there to catch us as he did Peter in Matthew 14. We talked about that in church two weeks ago. Jesus was walking on the water and Peter called to him and with faith he walked on water, but without that faith he began to sink. With faith we will not sin, but we lose faith constantly and yet ultimately, as Jesus caught Peter from drowning despite his lack of faith, so too will Jesus save us from the sins that would send us to Hell.
To those of you who simply cannot stop sinning. Those of you who are self-medicating, trying to fill that gaping hole. You can't fill it. You're in the middle of horrific pain and uncontrollable anguish because you keep trying. And it just drags you down deeper and deeper into an abyss of self-loathing. I know, because I've been there. The same self-loathing that so many of you feel. I've felt too. This is for you:
"Take counsel.
I hear your cry.It passes through the darkness, filters through the clouds, mingles with starlight, and finds its way to my heart on the path of a sunbeam.
I have anguished over the cry of a hare choked in the noose of a snare, a sparrow tumbled from the nest of its mother, a child thrashing helplessly in a pond, and a son shedding his blood on a cross.
Know that I hear you, also. Be at peace. Be calm.
I bring thee relief for your sorrow for I know its cause ... and its cure.
You weep for all your childhood dreams that have vanished with the years.
You weep for all your self-esteem that has been corrupted by failure.
You weep for all your potential that has been bartered for security.
You weep for all your talent that has been wasted through misuse.
You look upon yourself with disgrace and you turn in terror from the image you see in the pool. Who is this mockery of humanity staring back at you with bloodless eyes of shame?
Where is the grace of your manner, the beauty of your figure, the quickness of your movement, the clarity of your mind, the brilliance of your tongue? Who stole your goods? Is the thief's identity known to you, as it is to me?
Once you placed your head in a pillow of grass in your father's field and looked up at a cathedral of clouds and knew that all the gold of Babylon would be yours in time.
Once you read from many books and wrote on many tablets, convinced beyond any doubt that all the wisdom of Solomon would be equaled and surpassed by you.
And the seasons would flow into years until lo, you would reign supreme in your own garden of Eden.
Dost thou remember who implanted those plans and dreams and seeds of hope within you?
You cannot.
You have no memory of that moment when first you emerged from your mother's womb and I placed my hand on your soft brow. And the secret I whispered in your small ear when I bestowed my blessings upon you?
Remember our secret?
You cannot.
The passing years have destroyed your recollection, for they have filled your mind with fear and doubt and anxiety and remorse and hate and there is no room for joyful memories where these beasts habitate.
Weep no more. I am with you ... and this moment is the dividing line of your life. All that has gone before is like unto no more than that time you slept within your mother's womb. What is past is dead. Let the dead bury the dead.
This day you return from the living dead.
This day, like unto Elijah with the widow's son, I stretch myself upon thee three times and you live again.
This day, like unto Elisha with the Shunammite's son, I put my mouth upon your mouth and my eyes upon your eyes and my hands upon your hands and your flesh is warm again.
This day, like unto Jesus at the tomb of Lazarus, I command you to come forth and you will walk from your cave of doom to begin a new life.
This is your birthday. This is your new date of birth. Your first life, like unto a play of the theatre, was only a rehearsal. This time the curtain is up. This time the world watches and waits to applaud. This time you will not fail.
Light your candles. Share your cake. Pour the wine. You have been reborn.
Like a butterfly from its chrysalis you will fly ... fly as high as you wish, and neither the wasps nor dragonflies nor mantids of mankind shall obstruct your mission or your search for the true riches of life.
Feel my hand upon thy head.
Attend to my wisdom.
Let me share with you, again, the secret you heard at your birth and forgot.
You are my greatest miracle.
You are the greatest miracle in the world."
--Og Mandino "The God Memorandum" The Greatest Miracle in the World
You've fallen and you can't get up. You've hit rock bottom. You just can't do this anymore. But you can! Look around you! Open your eyes! There are people who love you! Here's an excerpt from a novel I'm writing:
My eyes blurred and a tear escaped and slipped down my cheek
to fall to the ground. I looked at my hands, clenched together around a single
Lily, the pink hues contrasting starkly with the pure white of the lone
blossom. Through my hazy vision I caught a glimpse of red as a hand reached out
and offered me a handkerchief. I looked up into my father's eyes and I leaned
into his embrace gratefully.
I was numb. The excruciating pain had left only to leave me
feeling spiritless and void of emotion. I didn't know how I could ever get past
today, past this moment, this minute...this funeral.
I gazed upon John's casket. My husband was dead. He had
abandoned me just when I needed him the most. Oh how could he leave me! I held
onto that anger, anything to keep the whispers away. Nothing would ever be
right again!. Time became meaningless the moment the brakes gave out in his
car. In that moment, I knew, the world no longer held any value.
I had loved John more than the world itself. I loved him with
all my heart, soul, mind, and body. He was my life, and without him, this so
called “life” of mine was worthless.
Through these hazy moments streaks of clarity came now and
then, but I just couldn't see past the catastrophe that had ripped my world
apart. I couldn't see the people around me that loved me as much as I loved my
husband. I couldn't see that, in the end, everything would be alright. I
couldn't, and I didn't want to.
You're so set on being miserable and you don't have to be! Look to your family and friends! Look to God! TALK to people! I'm here to help and to tell you, you don't have to do it the hard way. You don't have to lose 9 years of your life. Learn from my experiences and of those around you. It WILL be alright. I PROMISE.
With all my love,
Kt
