The God of Miracles

I wanted to take a moment to talk about The Little Things and exactly how Monumentally this idea has impacted my Life.

As most probably well know by now - many years ago, I ran away from the church. And as God is Head of The Church, I also ran away from Him. I was terrified of the God I had grown to know through His Church. The Being that I understood Him to be, was not Kind or Full of Grace. He didn't give a shit about me, that's for sure.

Growing up in the PCA meant that my theology began at a young age. I knew all about how disgusting sin was and the distance it put between me and God. I understood that any good acts could not make up for this; they were no more than filthy period rags. I knew I was bound for hell and that only if Jesus' face were stamped onto my face, would I survive such a fate.

So when Life became real at 18 and I found my own thorn-in-the-side of an unhealthy coping mechanism of sex, I was screwed. In retrospect - I see how flimsy my Trust in God was. I trusted WHO He was, in the very heavy-handed teachings I had of Him. I was NOTHING. He is EVERYTHING. I must Humble myself and my pride, or He will.

True, to an extent. But the understanding that began to develop, at the raw age of 18, was that God doesn't give a rat's ass about me. He only cares about my soul. Like He and Satan have some sick twisted battle to see who can win the most before the End of Times. And when I couldn't figure out how to "fix" myself. And God seemed to be withholding the answers I needed - I ran.

I became terrified of the sick, twisted version of God that I understood Him to be. A God that wanted me to grow through suffering. That "wouldn't give me more than I could handle". Bullshit. The only reason I'm not dead from what I was unable to handle - was because He wouldn't let me die. And oh how I cursed Him for it. He gave me what I couldn't handle and then forced me to live. I called Him a Fucking Bastard straight to His Face. And I don't regret it even slightly. Why? You may ask,

Because I would rather tell Him outloud, what was simmering in my heart. The Hurt, Pain, Betrayal was buried for so long. When it finally all came out and I saw how much I hated and feared the God I knew, He was then able to teach me what I did not yet understand. Grace. Love. Kindness. And The Little Things.

I found that I only understood half of Who God was. And that's sure as hell not enough. Literally. God is Black and White and every color in-between. He gave us the rainbow to prove it! He wiped out the world and then promised us He would never do it again. But not because mankind wouldn't deserve it. Because He Loves us. God is a Wonder of Wonders in making Contradictions work together in unity. He simultaneously judges mankind to hell and saves us from it. He is AllPowerful, Almighty, Vast, Incomprehensible, AllKnowing, AllEverything! And yet - He cares about every single hair on my head?

How is that possible? It took me forever to understand that kind of Being. One that could use Hard times to Grow me, but also care so Incredibly deeply about every tear I cried and silent scream I barely contained. He was there, with me, knowing exactly what I was going through and loving me through it all. He could have made it stop. But that's not how it works. This is Life. It's Broken and messy and we chose it this way in the Beginning. But instead of rubbing our face in our Bad Choices - He's there, taking every opportunity to bring Good out of them. Whether it be Growth, amazing relationships. new opportunities - God has an insane number of ways to twist the bad to GOoD.

And He does that because He doesn't just care about the Big Things, like winning our souls to Him. He cares about our Pains, our anger and hurt. He cares about our comfort and well-being. And while He may not take a magic wand and just swish away all our suffering with an Abracadabra - He is constantly working to transform even the most shattered brokenness into the most valuable creations.

He's a God of Miracles. This is what He does. God does not work like us. He does SO Much More.

And so when I see a rainbow - I think on this. A rainbow is a symbol of a Big Promise. A Promise that He cares. A promise that is Beautiful and maybe just a little thing to notice in daily life. But that works so well in my mind. Because the Little Things are SO Much Bigger than we often realize. And it's something I want to never forget.

God cares about me. He cares about you. He doesn't only care for His Son. We are SO Valuable to Him. That's why He gave us Jesus. To teach us our Worth. We cannot learn it on our own. We cannot understand True Value without God. And when we do - Life can be Beautiful, even in the most horrendous of situations. Because God can and will bring Beauty out of Everything. That's what He does. He's the God of Everything, Little & Big. He's the God of Miracles.

What Do The Mentally Disabled Look Like?

I had some follow up thoughts based on a fb post I wrote late last night. Thoughts on people's view of the Mentally Disabled. And I'm not talking about pity. I would say the majority of people are completely unaware of what someone with a mental disability looks like. That would be because, like physical disabilities - the view is incredibly varied. I am mentally disabled. My disorder has one of the largest fatality rates. I receive ssdi and have binders after binders to prove my need for it. But it sucks how often I have to prove this to people who don't even have the right to question me on this. I once had a dermatologist who told me that he knew what a depressed person looks like and I wasn't it. This was in order to prescribe me a drug for acne that has been since taken to court due to its side effects for those struggling with depression. I attempted suicide that year - so yeah, watch out for accutane.

What I'm getting at is that few people who struggle with mental illness are going to look like they are mentally disabled. Sure you can probably spot down syndrome. And maybe autism or aspergers as they are characterized by difficulties with social interaction. But what about mental disabilities that don't necessarily effect one's ability to thrive at communication? Serial killers, abusive controllers and child molesters can all be prime examples of people with more socially capable mental conditions that can clearly hide these problems indefinitely. The telly shows us each of these conditions, if not extremely exaggerating them at times. And of course, that impacts people's view of mental illness as well.

But "There are many different mental disorders, with different presentations. They are generally characterized by a combination of abnormal thoughts, perceptions, emotions, behaviour and relationships with others." says the World Health Organization. And far too many are still sadly in grey areas for classification purposes. It took a very long time to understand the human body. It will take even longer for the mind.

And this is what makes these types of things SO Incredibly Difficult for doctors to treat. Many of these issues cannot be tested for at all, but must rely on psych evaluations that are subjective and based on what the patient is able to convey to their doctor. Often, that can end up meaning in order to receive help for their problems, a mental patient must be incredibly self-aware with good communications skills and wants help -- or they find themselves a Miracle Max.

All this to say - just because you cannot see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.

There are many many people struggling with mental illness. And a good chunk of them are not even aware of their own state of being. That was me for far too long. I tried so hard to "fix" a problem, when I didn't even know what it was.

I understand it better now. And I write what I learn, to help others understand themselves better. This is a task that I do not enjoy and I often post late at night, as it gives me courage to post at all. It's hard opening up about these problems. But it's not just sin that thrives in isolation. Any struggles do. It's important to open up. To talk about them. To see them more clearly in solidarity. Only then can you truly begin to tackle them. God gave us a community. We must use it. It was not simply made for fun and fellowship, but for survival and betterment. And I thank Him for that. For all of you. Very much indeed <3

Persecution in The Church? Makes Sense.

I do not expect to be valued by others.

I want to be. I desperately desire some, like my husband - to value me as preciously as God does.

But that is not to be. As this is a Broken World, filled with Broken People.

And the Desire to be Valued by others is not a bad thing, if we understand that this cannot be fulfilled by others who are as we are. Only God can fill that need. Thus - the longing to be Incredibly Special is intended and met by Him Alone. Or we perish in Loneliness.

I struggle with this Immensely. I want my husband to see me as the Most Beautiful Creation God has ever given him. But guess what - I can be fairly/Incredibly Difficult and Utterly Exhausting. Surprise Surprise. And that doesn't exactly make for fond feelings at times.

To an extent - I wish my friends to see this value too. I want them to appreciate me, to want me around. But this is not always the case. And it's not even necessarily about me. But it can still be hard to not take things personally when close friendships form that I am not a part of.

But I find that what I wish, above all - when it comes to my value as a person - that I wish to be appreciated for the Gifts God gave me. I mean, who wouldn't? But that isn't necessarily how it works here. And God has given us many, many warnings that quite the Opposite is what we should expect.

Persecution is a Big word. It conjures images up of prison and martyrdom. Google's definition does little to help this:

"hostility and ill-treatment, especially because of race or political or religious beliefs."

It doesn't make us think of our friends and family, of those closest to us. It doesn't make us think of "good" people, of our church and other Christians. And yet - that is where the Pharisees lie, the ultimate persecutors of Jesus, Himself. That is where Broken People are, those who loved, followed Christ, but turned on Him in His final days. And of course, those who denied our Savior out of fear, who were unable to stand up for what they Truly Believe in.

All of us can find ourselves in any of these camps at times, or even thriving in one for far too long. It should not be a surprise that we are persecuted by each other, that we treat each other with hostility and ill-treatment. We are not perfect. And even a desire for Sanctification can not earn us perfection in this Lifetime. 

But Sanctification does bring Awareness. It brings Love. It invites God into every situation, wanting Him to fix what we screw up. Because we do. Constantly.

I do not Love as I should. Neither do those around me. We do not treat each other with the Value God gave each of us. We often care more about being Right, than showing Grace. We care more about not being Hurt, than being Kind.We care more about Living in this World, than Following God throughout this Lifetime.

I look forward to the day this all changes. That Jesus Christ comes back and makes all things New.

But that is not now. Now is when I accept that Following God does not mean being Appreciated. Living like Christ, sure as hell, does not mean going where you are Wanted. We are to go where He sends us, and He will send us where we are NEEDED. Sometimes we will be Welcomed with Praise and Admiration. But mostly - we will not.

I am under no delusions that what I write is stomached easily. These are not concepts I wish to grasp myself. But as I have said many many times - I didn't get a choice in learning them. But I do get a choice in sharing the harsh realities of being a Christian. I dislike that God has pushed me onto this path still. I hurt when my words are dismissed or belittled. But still, I have no qualms with telling anyone that the Church uses the Bible to bar it's doors to others. I am well known for saying that there are far more people in this world who are not against Christ, but are against Christians.

It's sad to think people won't come to Church because of Persecution, isn't it? It's depressing to watch many leave because they can't handle it, searching for a place to worship where this doesn't exist. I have so many times wished to jump on that Unicorn Search myself. But the realities of this World mean that Persecution is everywhere, and especially in the Church. I mean, that does only make sense though. Where Christ works, Persecution follows. And the Church is His Bride.

But it's not enough to say that as Christ's Bride we will be persecuted just as He was. That is a reality. But should never be the Focus. Our Focus should be on our BrideGroom. He is there - Loving us, as nothing else can. He is there, with Value in His eyes - the kind we will perish without. He is there with Grace and Mercy for every mistake. He is there saving us from every pain and folly, healing our wounds, inflicted or received.

We must not turn away from Him. We must not let fear, anger or bitterness overwhelm us by taking our eyes off Him.

Stay the Course.

Focus on what matters. The Big Picture.

Remember - we are Children of God. And that is Beyond WorthIt.