Thank You my Lord

A while back I talked about a particular struggle I was working on. How I knew I would trade my Close Relationship with God in for an Easy, PainFree Life. I would happily have a Shallow Relationship if I could rewrite history and live as an average, normal girl. And that this upset me. I didn't want this to be True, but it was. And years ago I learned how to be Honest with myself, even if the Truth is upsetting. I have begged God to change this. To learn how to be Grateful for my History, no matter the cost. Today, today I can say that I am.

Today, if not only today - I am Grateful for the Life I lead -- for the shit I endured, as well as the shit I caused.

No. Not Grateful, like - I would repeat it all if I could. Grateful for a different, rather complicated reason probably. As Life tends to be rather complicated.

I am Grateful for what I learned from it all. For what I continue to learn.

It is Well-Known that I have a Great Passion for finding the Good in ANY Situation. For Finding God, no matter what is happening or how bad it Hurts. And as I look back at my Life - I can do that, even in the Past. I couldn't before. Not easily. It was too hard, the Pain was too Great, just in Remembering. It was too much to analyze the events as well. But now I am.

These days I take time to Remember. Even though it often causes me to silently scream for hours or days on end - I told my therapist I wanted to do this. He was nervous at first - I think he knows better than I do what I'll find in my memories. He knows me very well after all these years. He also knows far better than I - how Strong I am. I have to be reminded. Constantly. I tend to think I am a weak coward. But lately - I am beginning to believe him more and more in this.

Because I have God and His Strength - I have learned how to survive the memories and the Pain. I have learned to Trust that the Pain will end, even when I can't think past my screams. Even when it goes on for days. And through all this I have found SO MUCH GOOD. So Much GOD. I see Him in my memories. I see Him in my Pain. I see Him in the Results. I see Him Everywhere. And so you see - I am Grateful.

I am not Grateful for the Pain itself. I am not Grateful for my History or even my Life. What I am Grateful for - is how God has transformed each one of these things. How, no matter how Broken something is - He can always Heal it - making it even better than before. And what I am Grateful for Most? Is that I can see it all - as clear as the Purist Water. I see God. I SEE HIM. As if He's always at my side. Not some Halucination. I see Him through acts of Kindness or through a simple silly kitten. I seem Him in a smile and in a tear. I see Him in a song and in the silence. I see Him y'all - I see Him Everywhere. And that. That somehow makes it all WorthIt.

I don't really know why. But for tonight - it's enough to know that my Prayers were answered - as I knew they would be. I am Grateful for my Life and I would NOT trade it in. Not now. Not with what God has opened in my heart. Thank You my Lord. Thank You SO Much. You alone know the depths this means to me. You alone are worthy of - well - Anything. And Everything. I am SO Grateful for You. Don't Ever Let me Forget! Please. I want this knowledge Forever. Thank You my Lord. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.

It Hurts

When I was little I remember crying to my parents - telling them - It hurts. As Good Parents do - they asked me - Where? Where does it hurt? But I couldn't tell them. I didn't know the answer. Fast-forward to a 23yr-old woman crying into her best-friend's chest as he rocks her and she begs him to please make it stop. Please. It hurts. And of course, as a Good Friend does, he asks - Where? And further forward you'll find a woman, almost 30 years of age, crumbled on the bathtub floor crying and begging God to make it stop - It hurts. But, of course, He already knows where.

My Pain has rarely, if ever been understood by any. Of course, people would have to know it existed to even try. I would have had to know it existed too. But as every human, I built walls from birth to keep people out. I even tried to keep God out. But He knew - He always knew. He knows more about my Pain than I do, although that's no surprise. I know very little about it. Except when it breaks through. Except when it hits and I can't push it back into the Azkaban of my mind where I locked it so very long ago. And then - all I know - is that it hurts.

It has rarely broken through. When it does, disaster follows. I end up in the hospital or more likely, I am quick to turn it into anger, because anger doesn't hurt me. It hurts those close to me. And then I have more to lock within the prison in my mind. More that will hurt me when there is another jailbreak. And so I came more adept to finding ways to keep the Pain inside. To not let it out. They worked. Of course they worked. But no Prison can hold the kind of Pain that I possess.

I told a friend the other day that I didn't believe my therapist when he told me I have a high-pain tolerance. I have always assumed it must be Severely Low for me to be unable to tolerate it. To need to keep it locked away. To want to die simply because I can feel it. But that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all. Somehow, and the reasons do not matter at this time, I ended up with one of the Highest Levels of Mental Pain out there, a Pain that should have killed me by now. It was only God that did not allow it to do so.

And for years I didn't know I had such a High Pain-Tolerance, because the way I tolerated it was locking it in a Prison in the deepest recesses of my mind. And then God said No. After years of being a Sneaky Sneak - He had gotten me into a position where I had access to help. Help. Yeah. A word most people don't understand very well. Not this kind. Therapy - a Blessing and a Curse. Therapy - the Greatest Gift God could give me and the reason I had to let those prisoners go.

And so here I am. Feeling. Because, over time, it wasn't just the Pain I kept in Azkaban. It was all my emotions. Some were allowed out on occasion, for good behaviour. Like happiness, as long as I was never Too Happy. Most were kept tightly locked down. But then God and Therapy. FudgeBrownieSunday. I Feel now. I Feel Everything. Joy, Sadness, Rage, Jealousy, Fear - I'm Fucking Inside Out brought to Life!

It wasn't easy at first, but over time, I like to think I've gotten better at it. This Feeling thing. And although the Pain Completely Overwhelmed me the first year or so. It's gotten more manageable too. My therapist said that would happen. It was hard to believe him. And so here I am, Trusting God and the people He's placed in my life. Because guys - it Hurts.

I still don't know where. I don't even know why, in the moment for sure. I just know that it hurts and that begging God to Please make it stop - well. He answers my prayers. Just not in my timing. I get that. I do. I really Really do. One day the Pain will be gone. I promise I get that. I DO! It just. It hurts. It hurts right now. It hurt all day. It hurt yesterday all day too. I don't know how long this Storm of Pain has lasted at this point. It comes in waves. I'm told this is a coping mechanism my mind employees to help keep my mind from breaking. I decided today it's kind of like Labor Contractions in my head. Sometimes the Pain is just a dull throb. Sometimes I barely notice it there. But then it comes back, the next wave. And then I'm on the floor - silently screaming again.

But I knew this when I decided to commit to my therapy. I knew this is what it would entail. I accepted this. And thankfully - I have a higher pain-tolerance than I believed. Thankfully God gave me His Own Strength. Because y'all - I don't know when this will end. It can go on for days, or only hours. It can go on for weeks, even months. Six months of this lost me my world once. Because it doesn't just effect me. It effects all those close to me. I don't believe it will last more than a couple days, but if you're reading this - could you just pray? Pray for me and those I confide in. Because they don't know what to do. Nobody does. How could they, when I sure as hell don't? But it hurts. And locking it inside doesn't work anymore. It's hard enough just keeping the screams silent.

Thank you my friends. And Thank You God. Thank You for knowing what to do, when no one else could. Thank You for having the Patience to lead me to You through years of me running hella hard away. I didn't understand that I couldn't survive this without You. But I do now. You are my Rock. And I Love you for the Comfort You give, the Help You provide, the Friends You have brought to me all Sneaky Sneak-like and for just - for Your Grace and LOVE. You are Friggin Beyond Aces my Lord. Thank You for all this and More <3

I am Broken Enough

Something interesting keeps occurring to me. I'm 29 years old, female and single. But I don't get those queries of when I'm going to settle down, who am I dating or why am I not seeing anyone. I don't get those sly comments on clocks ticking and how I'm not going to be young forever. I know SO Many of my single Girlfriends who have felt pushed or feel pushed into finding a relationship while they are still in their childbearing years. I am Incredibly Grateful for this. I also wonder why. But I don't think it's hard to figure out. I'm me.

I'm Crazy. I'm Broken. I'm human. But I'm Real.

My shit is laid bare for Everyone to see. You can't live the life I've lived and try to hide it. I don't get that option. Other girls still do. So, honestly - they are Wifey Material. Me? I'm Fuckable. Because I'm Fucked Up. I am not Marriage or even Girlfriend Approved. So no one even brings it up. I need to get myself together first. I need to be single for a while. Both - VERY valid points. But it is fairly painful that those are the nicest comments I get on my relationship status.

I have one friend who has suggested me for a blind date, but other than that - I don't get the suggestion that "I have the perfect person you just have to meet! You guys would be perfect together!" No. I am far more likely to have people shield their guy friends from me. In many ways, Life never changed from my LoneStar days. My Reputation still exists, people are just kinder about it. I no longer have cruel girls and rejected boys stealing my tips, insulting me to my face with words that would make the hardest veteran blanche or spreading false rumors that I have Herpes behind my back.

No, the crowd is different, but the dynamics haven't altered at the heart. People are kind and genuinely love me. But Broken and Crazy are still not Good Enough. They are Good Enough for Jesus, but not their own boys. I am not Good Enough. I know this. I do not argue this point. I'm not. But News Flash people, NONE of us are. I am not the only Broken One in this World, I'm just one of the few that will admit it and even Embrace it.

Psalm 51^a

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

2Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

3For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is always before me.

4Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight;

so you are right in your verdict

and justified when you judge.

5Surely I was sinful at birth,

sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

7Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9Hide your face from my sins

and blot out all my iniquity.

10Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

so that sinners will turn back to you.

14Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,

you who are God my Savior,

and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15Open my lips, Lord,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

16You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17My sacrifice, O God, is^b a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

18May it please you to prosper Zion,

to build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,

in burnt offerings offered whole;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

I get that I'm a Mess. I get that I'm not Good Enough. And I get that I Never Will Be. And I'm Thrilled. Because that's what I need. I need to be Broken Enough to Need GOD. And Fuck Me - I Really and Truly am that Broken. I am that Screwed up and Crazy that Each and Every Day I turn to God for Help. Not a week goes by that I don't end up on my knees begging Him "Please." Just this morning in fact. And I Finally GET IT. That's what's Important.

I don't need to be Good Enough for the men of this World. I NEED to be Broken Enough for God.

Nothing else matters. And Nothing Else Ever Will. I Beg God regularly to remind me of that if I am Foolish Enough to forget. I am a 29 year old woman who is not happily single, but is Amazingly Grateful for this time to Grow Closer to God in the unique way you can only attain on your own. And I will continue to be Grateful to Grow Closer to God in the unique way you can only attain with another, should God allow it. I am not eager for dates, that is not why I wrote this. Indeed - I am not sure if dating or courting is in the cards for me. I am happy with where I am and where I'm going. It would be a very tricky thing for someone else to join me halfway up this mountain range where I've been scaling cliffs. But God is a Sneaky Sneak. I look forward to whatever He has in store for me...with No Little Trepidation ;)

I guess the reason I was writing is because Broken is not a Bad Thing. And I'm getting a little tired of people believing what I believed for SO Long. You don't have to be Perfect to Live. It's not even possible! My Brokenness has nothing to do with my Relationship Status, nor my career or whether I should get a car. No! I am where I am, in a GOOD Place - Living! Living for GOD! Because - I'm Following God! Albeit often Poorly. I will get a car when He thinks I need one. I will get a job if He doesn't want my time filled up with the Variety of Ministries I'm currently apart of and Friggin LOVE. And I will marry when He finds someone who - is certainly NOT Worthy of me, Nor I him. No No NO. I will marry when God finds someone who is in a Place of Brokenness that fits my own. I will marry when God finds someone who will be a Good Partner for me on Life's Pilgrim's Progress.

And if He decides that there is no one now, or ever - I really am ok with that. He knows what I want, and I Trust Him with that and MORE. Because Life isn't about my Happiness. It's not about what I want. Life isn't about Plans. It's about God and a Bigger Plan - for the WORLD and Eternity. And Each and Every one of us plays a part in that. And thankfully, when I learned to accept that - God has been Incredibly Fucking Kind in giving me what I want. Golly Day - I don't deserve the kind of Generosity and Grace He has bestowed upon me! I don't deserve Happiness or a man that will make me Happy! But God doesn't just care about my soul - He cares about me. And so - He makes it work.

Life is Pain. But we have God. And so the Pain is WorthIt. Every Day - He shows me why. He reminds me what I forget. He shows me the Happiness I have lost and will lose again. I am Broken and I Break Again each and every day. But He is always here - Healing me. Making me Stronger than Before! Giving me His Own Strength to Make Life my Bitch. Ok, that's a bit far. But you know what I'm saying.

I'm Living. I'm Broken and Living. Because that's how God Rolls yo.

And that. That is Beyond Enough.

Fuck Yeah I do!

Thank You

<3

Tired. But Good. Thank You my Lord.

I have another memory. A floodgate of them actually. It is something I didn't realize that I don't share. In the past six plus years of my time with my therapist - I actually have only really talked about it once. The funny thing is that it was only today that I realized it is a time period that probably has the Biggest Role in driving me past abnormal and a bit odd - to Completely Insane. The reason I don't think I realized this, is like with many things - it had to be Completely Good. Because it could not be Completely Bad. And I had no inbetween. But now I do. The reason this had to be Completely Good - was because it is rehab I was sent to by my family and friends. After my first suicide attempt - I was Broken. I needed help. This Christian Rehab in Arkansas was what we turned to, when we knew nothing about mental illnesses. It was supposed to be a six month rehab - I think I spent 9 or 11 months there, but I blocked so much out I can hardly remember the timeline anymore. But I'm remembering that place now. I'm also having a hard time writing this, indeed - struggling with the idea of sharing at all - because of the cost. I never knew the price. My family was kind enough to never tell me they were paying a Fortune to get me the help I desperately needed. When I found out, after I got out of that hell hole - I was Swamped with Guilt. There were times during the hell years they heard how much I hated the place, but overall I think it was blown off by myself and others due to the price and their inability to "fix me". I spent years learning to suppress the Bad and only remember the Good. People had given my parents their air-miles for the mandatory visits to see me each month. There was a fund in our church to keep me there and second mortgages were even taken out to pay for my stay! No one could EVER know how bad it was. And I'm SO Sorry. I am SO SO Sorry it was awful. I'm SO Sorry I couldn't tell you guys that when I said they brainwashed us - I wasn't lying. I'm SO Sorry it wasn't the place we wanted it to be - we NEEDED it to be. No, that program did more than fail in fixing me - it took what was broken and obliterated the shattered fragments of my very spirit. I left that place without a doubt that I was the Most Worthless Person in Existence. There was still hope before, but after they were through with me - I never stood a chance. And I wish I could have told someone! I wanted to! SO Many daydreams of being rescued. So many girls who ran away and were caught, brought back and then tagged with an ankle monitor. Granted, those were the underage girls. I was 18 - I signed myself there. They had to use different means to keep me. And they did. Control and Manipulation were the key forms of "help" at this facility. I was made known in very "kind" ways - exactly how Fucked up I was. I was made to Fully Understand how Broken and Worthless I was, unless I got help. I understood that I was a burden to my family - that as messed up as I was - I needed to get my act together before I could even think of returning to my family. On a minute-to-minute basis it was made clear that there was not one thing wrong with me - but everything was wrong. We were controlled every moment of every day. They woke us up and didn't leave our side until we were all asleep. They controlled every act we made, bar bathroom usage - although we did have to get permission, which was not always granted. But even that was only a privilege we were only afforded if we were good. If we messed up - it was taken away from us. Perhaps control like this could be good, if properly handled and if they were actually helping us. But no, while I did learn a shitton from the books we were given to Study - that was a Total God thing and was often in spite of the people who ran the show. People who did not allow friendships to form with the other girls, did not allow tears(happy or sad) without threat of punishment, did not allow sadness or any strong emotions at all. We were not allowed to disagree, we were not allowed to even speak if we lost that privilege. One girl did for a very long time. She was not allowed to speak or be spoken to - for over a month. Her dad worked there and enforced this himself. She was not allowed any form of communication. She was to not exist to the rest of us. And we listened - or we shared the same fate. I think that was the worst punishment in my eyes. Far worse than someone watching you pee and shower most definitely. I was the only girl who escaped punishment the entire time I was there. I did come close, they pulled me aside for a very serious conversation that had me in tears begging for forgiveness. I had disagreed with a counselor about which game we should play outside at the basketball hoop, in front of the other girls too. I had the head of the program speak to me directly about this. She rarely came to the house and you had to be a lot of trouble for her to go out of her way to talk to you. Most girls learned quickly to be docile and meek. Something I was absolutely not before my suicide attempt. But combined with a heavy sedative they had me on for most of my stay - they managed to put the fear of man in me. And to further my improper fear of God. I was odd in highschool, I was broken by my first suicide attempt, but Arkansas is what killed me. Because after that - I wasn't me. Whatever value I thought I had before Arkansas was completely replaced with the Total Knowledge that I was one of the most Fucked up people in the World. And it only got worse from there. Arkansas taught me that I would never be Good enough and I took it from there. I don't know if I will ever fully heal. But I will transform. I was a Strong-willed, High-spirited, Independent, Confident, Walk-to-the-Beat of my own Drum kinda Gal back in the early 2000s. And then Life broke me and continued to beat me for the next decade. I ran away from my family, my friends, the Church, myself and God to escape the Pain. But you can't escape Pain. Thankfully - you can't escape God either. He found me, beaten and broken He found me. He then started piecing me back together, making me not as I was - but better than before. I am now Strong-willed, when needed; I am remembering that's it's alright to be highspirited; I am learning that Independence doesn't mean doing everything on your own; my Confidence is found in Christ because I'm now a Walk-to-the-Beat of God's Drum kinda Gal. I am me - and now I am more. I can't say I will ever be thankful for Arkansas, despite how much I wish I could be. But I am thankful for how God has transformed me using any means at His disposal. He is SO Gracious in taking anything and everything - and bringing GOOD out of it. Thank You God. Thank You SO Much. And I'm sorry friends and family. I wish I could have told you while I was there, but they would disconnect our calls if we tried. They read all the letters we sent and we were only allowed to talk about happy stuff. They would throw anything else out and we had to sit down every day for, I can't remember if it was an hour or half an hour - but we had to come up with stuff to tell you. And so I did. Or I twisted things to make them sound good. And I'm sorry I have never genuinely admitted how terrible that place was. I have had moments where some have heard me rant about it, but I have never honestly and genuinely allowed myself to hate the place that Broke what was left of me. And I'm allowed to hate it. I won't say it was wholly bad and I won't say it was wholly good. There was definitely Good there, amidst the wretchedness. I have many fond memories of that place. But it is time to remember BOTH now. The Good and The Bad. I remember pizza nights and learning to crochet. I remember the Beauty there, as we were on a Ranch in Arkansas! I remember my kitten, Mister. I remember that day we saw a Glorious sight of hundreds of horses and ponies pass us on a hike one day. I remember sitting in the creek with my "little sis" as we talked about boys and laughing because we were so rebellious in our talk, but they couldn't hear us over the bubbling creek. I remember Dad visiting and writing my name on the cliff wall. I remember Momma and him taking me to my first outdoor movie(!) when I earned a night out with them towards the end of my stay. I remember being super rebellious by climbing out of bed and onto another girl's bunk with a couple other girls to catch sight of some fireworks far off in the distance on the Fourth of July. The counselor that night was Super Kind and pretended not to see for a couple minutes. She was also fired shortly thereafter. That place was not a Good place, but neither was it evil. Like everything in Life, it was made up by people who are human. We all mess up, even when it comes to doing Good. We try and sometimes we even screw up other people's lives just trying to love them. Every mom a few dads have confessed to me a story along these lines. But that's apart of life. Screwing up as we go and learning to turn to God to fix it. Learning to lean on God so we screw up less and less. Sanctification isn't so much - becoming a better person - as much as it is becoming a less fucked up one. And so with that in mind, keeping in mind that when sin entered the world - so to did grey - Life is not Black and White. It is not Good and Evil. There is no Blaming any one person or one facility or yourself for Everything. For while there is fault in everybody - in the end that was never the point. The Point is to Follow God, to see the Big Picture. Figuring shit out isn't to find blame - it's so I can better understand myself in my effort to do this. Because blame is ultimately pointless. None of us deserve any form of forgiveness - that's why we have Grace. So, I don't care who fucked up where. We all did. We all will continue to do so. While there is sin in this world, fucked up shit is going to happen. Whether it be you, someone else or simply Life - there's no escaping it. The only hope you have is in the One who can transform shit - into something Beautiful. Way cooler than water into wine :) And now I'm tired of thinking, or remembering. I know God will use this for more than I know, but right now - I'm too tired to even care how. Thank you my friends - have a Good Week and a Very Good Friday. The most important Holiday in Life. This Friday's Holiday is in remembrance of Christ taking ALL The Blame, as well as our Punishments from us. This Day is why we have any Hope at all. This is the reason we get to Live, to eventually Go Home. The reason we will OneDay be sinless, Pure and PainFree. This Holiday is better than any other and I will not be wearing mascara to church for the service because of this. Thank you all who suffered through this and again - Good Day.

I Dreamed of Death

The Pain hit earlier. I don't know why or where it came from. But suddenly - it hurt. Normally throughout my life - I wouldn't have gotten to the point where I even knew. The slightest recognition my mind had of Pain and I found a way to bury it again. But I didn't. Not this time. I've gotten better at this Feeling shit. And so I let it hit. I even let myself cry for a moment. And then I headed to the bathroom and turned the water as high as it would go and I sank into a literal pool of misery. At one point I began to Daydream. The usual - for a girl like me. Hair floating in a halo around my head, but I no longer in it. It still happens once in a while. Once you begin to dream of death - it isn't so easily erased from your mind. But thankfully I've stopped running from my Lord. I draw on His Strength and not my own, now. And in that moment as I dreamed of death - I remembered something. I remembered a tale, a tale as old as time, in a way. A question asked every generation and generations to come I have no doubt. A question of death. A question we often ask each other throughout the years as we explore the idea of Life and Beyond. How would you like to die? Most answers I remember were all the exact same one. They wanted to die in their sleep, no pain, no knowledge of their own passing. They simply wanted to pass away quietly without a fuss. God - how I wish I had wanted that. No. I was always a Wild Child. A Good girl, naive and innocent - but Wild and always searching for Excitement. I didn't want a Boring Death. I wanted to go out fighting. I wanted to go out fighting for a cause. For something Big and for the Lord. I was aiming to end up in a religious war of some kind. To die fighting the enemy. I didn't want to die in torture, but I figured if I grew up strong and brave - I could maybe be alright with that. I daydreamed of being in a Columbine situation and dying for what I believed in. This was me -- a girl who dreamed of Excitement, Adventure and Following God into Battle. A Brave and Courageous Warrior of Christ. A girl who always wanted to be a Lady Knight SO Badly - my dad got me a Roman Short Sword for my 18th Birthday. A sword that is even now near me and I cherish. What I never realized was that God granted me my wish. And at the first sight of the war - I fled, a Coward. I was not brave. I turned tail and ran as if demons were chasing me - and believe me - they were. I ran as if my life depended on it, but in the end - I simply ran away from my Protector. I dropped my weapons, I discarded my armor and I ran defenseless, pursued by the very hounds of hell. For the battle I envisioned was not the battle I found. No, for they rarely are. I dreamed of being Esther - but ended up being a Simon Peter. I wanted to stand up for Christ, indeed - I cred a warriors cry and cut off a few ears. But then, when I saw exactly what the battle would entail - I denied my Lord. I Rejected Him. I said to His Face that I did not want the Life He called me for. I told Him I Refused it. I looked up at Him on the cross and spat - I mocked Him with my cowardice in comparison to what He has done for me. There is a song that I love...

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

I will stand
I will stand, all other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
Is sinking sand, is sinking sand
So I'll stand

This is a song that never fails to make me cry in shame for what I have done in rejecting His plan for me. A plan that I asked for, that I begged for! I didn't want to die peacefully - I wanted to die fighting for Him! And so There is No Power of Hell, No Scheme of Man that will ever pluck this away from me. I was a Coward. I listened to the lies. I blinded myself to the Truth. The fight is not always against that which is tangible and easily seen. Sometimes the fight is much more nebulous. We are not up against an evil dark lord. We are up against our very selves. We are up against Sin itself. The devil is not hell's overlord. He is destined to be it's number one prisoner and he aims to not be alone there. So when we fight - we must keep in mind that it is not always as straight forward as we would like. The battle is not overseas. The battle is not with flesh and blood. It is SO Much more complicated than that. And if you are as stupid as I was to want Excitement instead of Boredom. If you have yearned for Excitement and to Battle for the Lord. Keep in mind that the Battle may come in a form you do not realize even exists. You may even be tortured so Intensely - you are driven mad. I always knew I couldn't handle torture, that I couldn't handle the level of Pain I am consistently submitted to by the enemy within my own mind. But as I child I knew God would give it to me. As I child I knew much more than I lost as an adult. But I remember now. And Damn anything that would let me forget again! As God is my Saviour - the Battle has Already been WON! I will not run away in fear again. I will run with Christ as my guide - yelling FREEDOM. Freedom from sin. Freedom from Pain. Freedom from this Life. Freedom for more. Freedom to Go Home. I will fight to help my Lord end the War that has already been won. And when it is over. I am going Home. I am going Home, OneDay. We live in a WarZone friends - never forget that. You do not make your Home in a WarZone. In War you form Deep Bonds -- you live together, battle together, save the day together and even die together. But this Life is not our Home. We are not here to Live Happily Ever After. We are here for Much More than that. But we will get our Happily Ever After. Just not yet. That particular OneDay is not now. For now we stand together and we Fight! We Fight for the Lord! Just as I always wanted. I remember now. I remember my dream. I beg of you God - never let me forget this moment. Never let me fail to SEE. Thank You. So Sleepy. Gnight.

The Worth of Value

So I was just contemplating life and all the hooplah therein. Obviously - since I was taking a shower which means on top of headbanging to Trapt and AirGuitaring to Shania Twain I'm working to unravel the mysteries of the universe. I was thinking of Job. You'll find him in the Bible - he's got his own book and everything. He's kinda a big deal for many people, often people like me. He had everything and he lost it all - in the blink of an eye. He went from Happy to Desolate in only a moment. He lost his career, his home, his family and his health. He went from wealthy and content to sitting among ashes scratching himself with broken pieces of pottery. What's worse -- he did Nothing Wrong. He didn't deserve it. He was a GOOD man. They even called him a Righteous one. So, Why?

Well - that's what our Bible Study is working on, but we haven't gotten through entire book yet, so I don't have the Big Picture answer yet. But I do have an answer. Maybe not for Job, himself, but for us. I see no point in the Bible if you cannot make it applicable. And it always can be. Maybe not every part, every day - although I personally think that is possible - but nevertheless, application is Essential. And Job, frankly is easy. Even if you've not lost it all like I have. Think for a moment. What would happen if you did? Obviously - it's possible. So, actively think for a moment. Yeah - it's gonna suck, but this is Important. Think.

If you woke up, the day simply like any other, rolled up to work with your coffee only to find an email waiting for you on your work computer. You have a little set aside, and the severance will help - but your heart is dropping at the thought of how you're going to get by, particularly since the air-conditioning just broke. You drive home, your heart in your stomach at the thought of telling your wife who is currently expecting twins. On your way home fire engines rush past you. You pull over to let them by and then continue. You get closer to your house and have to pull over again as an ambulance rushes past as well. You are curious now, because they are all headed your direction. And then you pull onto the scene. It's not a neighbor they are all rushing towards - it's your house. Your mind has already been sent into a panic. Where's your wife?! Where's your dog? The house - what happened to your home?! But it's gone. Fire took it all. You rush to the hospital to find your wife comatose and alive, but the twins didn't make it. You have no extended family to call. You leave your wife in the hospital and head back to the house to see what you can salvage. Your friends join you there - they offer their condolences and offer any help they can give. You say your fine - you have some savings and trust they will last until you find another job. But you don't. Your wife and you crash at friend's houses as you search and search for a job. But then you are stricken with the flu, which turns into pneumonia. Any interviews you had lined up are no longer possible as you cannot even speak without coughing up a lung. And then your savings are gone. Any remaining pride left you when your car was repossessed and you had to ask a friend you barely new for cab fare to get to the doctor's office. The bills are piling up. Your wife is in a deep depression and you are at your wits end with how you will get through this. What now?

Do you ever think about this? It's doubtful. But you really should. Because it's not just Job that this happens to. Anyone can lose it all, even in the blink of an eye. And then what? I'll tell you - you survive. Day-by-Day you survive. You learn how to accept help. You learn the True Worth of Life. And that is more complex than many know. And what had me thinking in the shower - You learn your own Worth.

I ask you - where do you find your value? Me. I find I was only worth something when I was helping others. If I wasn't making people smile or giving assistance. If I wasn't productive at work or around the house - than I was of no use to anyone. If all I could do was Take but never Give - then I was as Worthless as I believed in the deepest part of my soul. It took me years to understand that is not where my worth lies. I still Love to help others. I Love to LOVE. I find Great Joy in making another laugh, in being the one who is able to help in a way no other could, or maybe would. But that is no longer where I find my worth. Because - for a while - I couldn't.

For a while I didn't have the ability to help at all. All I could do was Take and Take and Take. I cannot convey how Completely Humbling that is. Have you ever gone to a Birthday Party and while everyone is paying for the Birthday Boy's meal - he is paying for yours? Or having people offer you the leftovers on their plate because they correctly guess that you might not have eaten much because you can't afford to go grocery shopping yet. You know what it's like to have to ask for a ride everywhere? To have to set up rides and backup rides if your ride falls through? To not have a ride and have to Trust God that it will work out?

It took me years to find joy in asking for help from others. Initially - all I found was Complete Humiliation. But it's funny how God can turn things around, in His own way and unique to each individual. As I am all into relationships - it started with furniture and clothing. Yup. I finally had a house to make into a home again and I needed things. Things like a bed and dishes and much more. When one family gave me an entire bedroom set as well as anything and everything I could want for a kitchen - I was near tears, I was SO Grateful. And then they brought out a Keebler Cookie Jar they just wanted to give me because it was dear to them and they wanted me to have it. It took me a long moment to get my emotions under control again. I'm crying now from happiness as it sits in a prominent position in my dining room. Woman after woman came by my house with big and little things - things to make my house a home. Strangers heard the story and were so moved by my joy - they ended up giving me barstools they remembered they had in a shed! Every day I saw how God used my need to bring me closer to others and all parties closer to Him. It was Beautiful.

When I started working out and dropping weight crazy fast - I had women offer me hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and accessories. To this day - I get SO Excited to tell them when someone liked a dress or shirt they gave me. I brag about my hand-me-downs because they were given with Love - and frankly - they are Beautiful! It's become a common occurrence to come home to find a bag of things on my porch, anonymous gifts that never fail to bring tears of Gratefulness to my eyes and Praise to my lips for the Father who has sent me such Amazing friends.

I can Honestly say that I am able to enjoy receiving help from others. I will also admit I still do not enjoy asking for it. It's still hella fucking hard. But I do it. I will also admit that there are some days that I just don't have the stomach to mooch. Some days that are rough and I'm already so low and accepting help in a hundred other areas - that I'd rather go hungry than let someone buy me food or share their pizza. Because despite finding joy in receiving help - I still don't enjoy it as a whole. I would rather be an Independent Woman. And guess what guys? It's never going to happen. Because NO Matter what - I will always be reliant on God. And that - that is a very, Very Good thing. It is something He reminds me of daily through needing others and I as much as I still wish I was completely self-sufficient -- I am Grateful for the Reminder. Because I know it is Severely Needed on my end.

I do struggle with some pride - but my struggle with Fear is even greater. I don't necessarily want to be an Independent Woman for me, but because not everyone enjoys helping others. Nobody wants to be a Burden. How many mothers have I heard apologize for their crying baby? How many women have been anxiously grateful that I could help them, because they didn't want to ask for it and are now worried they have overstepped their bounds in our friendship. We all might not want to help. But NONE of us like to be a burden. Some may be resigned to it, but nobody enjoys that idea.

One of the Greatest things I've gotten to witness through needing to ask for help - is how often I've been told it gave another courage to ask for help themselves. Everyone needs help y'all. And most all of us have the hardest time admitting it, to others or even ourselves. But none of us our Independent, women or men. We are all reliant on God's Grace. And as seen through Job, God's Grace does not always come in the forms we expect. The Prosperity Gospel be Damned. You are not Blessed through a house, a car, a job - or even a family! You are Blessed through Jesus Christ alone. It was ALL given to you. You earned none. And it can all be taken away. And heaven forbid - if it is, where will you find your value then?

I ask you one last time - think about losing it all. Not just stuff - but also your skills, your talents, your health maybe even your very mind. Would you lose your will to live if you lost your ability to walk? If you lost the ability to have kids? If you lost the ability to think? You can lose any or all. What happens if you do? Will you still know your worth? Will you still understand you are Valuable? For your value does not lie within you, but within God. He brings it out of you in the Most Amazing ways, but it is never tied to something so superficial as earthly concepts. Do you see that? Do you see that sometimes your value is brought forward through needing help?

It took me years to see that. But I do now. And although I will forget. Although I will mess up. I will rant at God for humiliation in needing others. I will curse Him for needing Him. I know now. And every day I do a little better with that Understanding. Every day Needing God gets a little easier. Every day it becomes a little more Joyous and a little less Humiliating. Every day I grow Closer and Closer to Him. Cha-Cha Style of course. But I am dancing towards Him. That fancy word - Sanctification yo. It takes a hott-sec slash a lifetime, but we are all on this Pilgrim's Progress together. Learning, Growing and being all Fancy Sanctified.

And today at least - for this I am Grateful. Thank you my Lord. Thank You for showing me Truth. Even if it is a pretty shitty Truth to have to learn the Hard Way. Where is that damn Easy Button? Nevermind. I don't mind taking some time today. I know I've got You and today - that's Enough. In this moment, that is just Enough. You know. You're all those omnis and a Sneaky Sneak. I Love that about You. You are SO Good to me. In all seriousness now - thank You my God, my Friend, my Lord and Saviour -- Thank You.

5am Ramble

I need to Remember for a Moment:

We had our first fight. Because he wouldn't kiss me. He hadn't touched me for several days. I didn't understand and I was angry. We were supposed to go out, probably to PBs. I scowled at him when he still wouldn't tell me what his problem was and stomped into the bathroom to finish getting ready. I had straightened half of my hair when he came in. I expected him to make up with me. I expected him to explain why he was being an asshole. He did, in a way. I'll never forget the words he said. I was livid and refusing to look at him still, but I stared at him through the mirror when I heard the words that have branded me like the hot iron I was holding. "I'm in love with R." I turned to him in pure confusion and no little fear. His face was a mask of Pain. "Excuse me?" I believe I said. "I'm still in love with R," he said. This time his voice broke and he was teary eyed. I don't think he had cried since elementary school before that day. We had been dating for about about 6 months at that point, I believe. We had already professed our love for each other and I was living with him and his brother. We were happy. I knew about R. She was our friend, his highschool crush. He had loved her for as long as they had known eachother, but she had also friend-zoned him hardcore from the very beginning. And then, at the end of college, he met me. He was head over heels for me, and I him. It was easy to see he loved me as much as I him. This had been our First Christmas together and I got to host my very own Christmas Party - complete with candy canes, yuletide themed cocktails and of course, beer pong. R was there with her new puppy. I was happy and rather inebriated and fell asleep on the couch with the baby pit, blearily wondering why R was crying on the porch with my love. His friends avoided my questions, but I knew he would tell me when he could. He carried me to bed like he usually did when I would get that sleepy. In his arms I asked him, and he told me the truth, as I knew he would. He said that R's current boyfriend was no good(which we all knew - they all were, but this one had a tendency to hit her) and that he had convinced her to break up with him. The other half of the truth he had saved and was telling me now, as I carefully put the straightener back down on the counter. This was why he wouldn't touch me, but also hadn't told me. He wanted to wait until after Christmas, because he didn't want to ruin my favorite holiday, particularly since I had rather recently been reunited with my family. And now that Christmas was over, he was telling me - to be with her. At the party, R had told him she loved him. It was always poor timing he said. She was always dating someone and he never had a chance. Now he did. I was only half aware as I listened to his broken voice. I said nothing. I saw nothing. I made no sound. I simply walked away from him. I couldn't feel. Nor did I want to. He asked me to say something. I tried. I failed. I couldn't think. I couldn't see. I felt Nothing. When what he said tried to permeate the steel barrier I erected in my mind, I stumbled. He made to help me, but refrained himself. He wasn't sure if I wanted to be touched. I didn't. I did. I wanted it to be a lie, a horrible and cruel joke. It wasn't. He gave me space, but was careful not to let me out of his sight as I stood outside the front door and made some calls. He knew it was only a matter of time before I lost it. We both did. He knew my history, although he had never experienced it for himself. He was about to, it was only a matter of time before the Pain broke through. But I needed a form of safety first. I needed someone I could trust. And he was no longer an option. I called his brother, AW - the older brother I always wanted - who loved me and protected me - ever since I cleaned his toilet *wry smile*. I was calm and collected in my explanation of the transpiring events, but AW said he would leave work immediately. He understood. He knew my mental history as well. After I made that call, I walked back inside, but made it no further than the kitchen. I stood there for a moment; staring blankly at nothing, silent, blind and unthinking. I have no doubt all my will-power was going toward the wall erected around my mind, protecting me against the Pain. But it had finally gained enough power to hit me full force. And that's when I screamed. I have never in my life screamed like that before. I pray to God I never will again. All my Pain funneled into the loudest, most agonizing scream of my life. One that seemed to never end. When it did, I reached for the shelf where we kept the liquor. Bottle after bottle I hurled at the floor, leaving major dents in the linoleum, but none would break. I was furious at that. I finally reached for my Favorite margarita glass. It shattered beautifully. And then I yelled. Repeatedly I cried out, "You lied! You said you loved me!" I was still mostly blind from the strength of my emotions, but I saw enough to remember that he was crying in earnest now. "I do," he replied. I looked at him for the second time since he came into the bathroom, "But how can you love me when you love her?" My heart had shattered with the glass and my mind was at the edge of the abyss. I knew it. He knew it. By the time AW got home, my emotions had completely drained me and I was tightly curled on the floor with the broken glass, staring again at nothing - speechless, silent and emotionless once more. AW spoke quietly with his brother before telling me he was there if I needed him. After a while, I decided to be a big girl. I was mortified by the amount of time it took me to sit up. In the end I had to crawl to where AW was in his bedroom. He was sitting cross-legged on his bed, patiently waiting and not wanting to startle the broken thing before him. I curled up again next to him and put my head in his lap. He combed my hair with his fingers and I finally let a couple tears fall silently as I decided what to do next. In the end, I called my family and asked if I could stay with them until I figured things out. The man who said he loved me, hovered, willing to do whatever I needed. When it was clear I didn't have the strength to pack a bag - he did. And then he carried it down the two flights of steps as I went before him, leaving everything I had come to love behind. He stood on the stairwell with me as we waited for my parents. I looked at him for the third time then. There were no tears, no Pain in my voice as I told him I loved him. I told him he could always call me and if he wanted me back - I would come. I told him that, as much as I hurt, I understood. He needed to know. He couldn't always wonder "What if?" And I thanked him. I thanked him for breaking up with me before going to her, for being an Amazing man who really did love me. And then I left. My parents took me back to their home and I sat silently through dinner, not knowing what to do. I had just lost it all - again. My sister took me to get a movie. I wanted mindless and funny. We got "House Bunny". Before we started the movie, I went upstairs to use the restroom, but it was just an excuse to call him. I wanted so badly to hear his voice. The sound of his voicemail was a balm for my heart. I told him again that I loved him, that I would always love him. Then me and J started that silly romcom that helped me pretend for moments here and there, pretend it was just another night like any other. I'm not sure if we ever finished that movie or not. Because my phone rang. And it was him. He told me he called R, that she was at a bar by herself, already drunk and it not even dinnertime. He tried to tell her what happened, what he had done for her - but she could care less. He told me he realized in their conversation - that had put her on a pedestal for years and he was wrong to do so. He told me he didn't deserve me back, would not have even called if not for my voicemail, but that he was sorry. I cried and laughed and I told him to come get me immediately. Within half an hour I was in his arms again. Things were a bit harder after that, but we worked through issues as they arose. We worked through everything together. He was my best friend and he loved taking care of me as much as I loved giving him everything he could possibly want. For two plus years I lived with a man who genuinely loved me and treated me better than I had ever been treated before. He was an amazing man. Still is, from what I know. We ran into troubles that neither of us could overcome, nor could anyone in our situation without God. But for the time I was privileged to be his - I loved that man. Always will, in a way. He was a Good man, still is I have no doubt. And even though we have both well and truly moved on - I am thankful to God for the time we had together.

But why do I say all this? Why am I so keen on this memory? Because of the Pain, I think. I don't think I have ever experienced that level of Pain in my entire Life. Even our eventual permanent breakup didn't hurt like the moment where I was Completely Blindsided and lost my entire life in the amount of time it takes to say five words. But Pain is NEVER a reason to Give Up. Pain is NEVER a reason to stay upset with someone. Put up Boundaries - Yes. Ones that require absence in space and time even - maybe forever. But just because he hurt me was NEVER a reason to Not Forgive him. It was NEVER a reason to Not Love him. Pain is a byproduct of sin. It happens, just like shit happens. You learn from it, you grow from it - or it eventually kills you. You decide. But in the end - your decision means didly shit. If God wants you - you are His. I messed up in all this. I forgave a man for hurting me severely - and yet...I refused to forgive God for His part in Life's Pain. I let a sinful human earn my Trust back, but not the only One Who is Completely Trustworthy and Undeserving of my Blame. God allowed me to feel more Pain then I could handle and I ran from Him like a cat with their tail on fire.

That man I forgave - he loved me, he truly loved me. With the best of his ability and as well as he was able. If I had gotten help sooner, maybe we would still be together. But I think not. I needed Way More than psychiatric help. I needed to learn to Trust God, through the Pain. And it would be years before I was in a position to understand that. And that man I loved - he couldn't help me there. He wasn't a Christian. He was a gift from God, a rest for a time, but not forever. I needed someone to help me find the answers that would allow me to Trust God again. I never deserved that, but thankfully God's justice is not so easily understandable. And so BigMan decided to get very sneaky on me with that - He brought a much wiser man to me, one who earned my Trust and Love - but understood that he was not enough. This wise man and God have got to be the two sneakiest P/persons ever. Through his prayers, encouragement and many eye-rolls, my Circle of Trust has grown slowly but surely. I cannot convey my joy in the thought of how many I now have who love me and whom I love dearly. People who are intent on wanting me to Live well, to Love well and to Follow God in Everything. People who have joined me on this Pilgrim's Progress through Life. God's Sneaky Sneak Plan. He is such a Dork. I Love that BigMan of mine.

It is officially after 5am and I have to leave for church in about 3 hours. I may need to nap through the first service and make sure to not miss the second. Regardless - I'll be there. God means more than the World to me, more than Life itself. And these people, my church - The Church even  -- They're certainly not perfect nor do they hold the same place in my heart as the only One Who must - but they definitely each have large pieces of my heart in their possession. Thankfully God has given us hearts that are overflowing and no matter how many times my heart is Broken - I will always have more to give. That's how hearts work, and just because someone breaks the piece you have given them, I see no reason not to give them another. I realize it hurts, but Pain is apart of Life. At some point - we need to accept that. I have. Course - I didn't have a choice. If you do - I do not belittle you that. Pain Fucking Blows. But I accept it. The next step - is to Thank God for my Pain. I'll tell you when I reach that point. I have not yet. But I know I will. I want to - I asked God to help me. So - it's basically a done deal. He's pretty Friggin Aces that way <3 Thanks BigMan.

Thanks my Lord. For Everything You've done for me. Thank You for the New Life you have given me. Thank You for the people you have placed in my life. Thank You for their Love and for teaching me how to Love them well. I know I mess it up, but I will not give up. With you as my Teacher and Guide - I will learn to Follow You in Everything. I Will! Because I Trust You - and You promised. And you never break your promises. I am reminded of this every time I see a rainbow, every time I hear the train sound, every time the rain falls and every time I see a waterfall <3