Thank You my Lord

A while back I talked about a particular struggle I was working on. How I knew I would trade my Close Relationship with God in for an Easy, PainFree Life. I would happily have a Shallow Relationship if I could rewrite history and live as an average, normal girl. And that this upset me. I didn't want this to be True, but it was. And years ago I learned how to be Honest with myself, even if the Truth is upsetting. I have begged God to change this. To learn how to be Grateful for my History, no matter the cost. Today, today I can say that I am.

Today, if not only today - I am Grateful for the Life I lead -- for the shit I endured, as well as the shit I caused.

No. Not Grateful, like - I would repeat it all if I could. Grateful for a different, rather complicated reason probably. As Life tends to be rather complicated.

I am Grateful for what I learned from it all. For what I continue to learn.

It is Well-Known that I have a Great Passion for finding the Good in ANY Situation. For Finding God, no matter what is happening or how bad it Hurts. And as I look back at my Life - I can do that, even in the Past. I couldn't before. Not easily. It was too hard, the Pain was too Great, just in Remembering. It was too much to analyze the events as well. But now I am.

These days I take time to Remember. Even though it often causes me to silently scream for hours or days on end - I told my therapist I wanted to do this. He was nervous at first - I think he knows better than I do what I'll find in my memories. He knows me very well after all these years. He also knows far better than I - how Strong I am. I have to be reminded. Constantly. I tend to think I am a weak coward. But lately - I am beginning to believe him more and more in this.

Because I have God and His Strength - I have learned how to survive the memories and the Pain. I have learned to Trust that the Pain will end, even when I can't think past my screams. Even when it goes on for days. And through all this I have found SO MUCH GOOD. So Much GOD. I see Him in my memories. I see Him in my Pain. I see Him in the Results. I see Him Everywhere. And so you see - I am Grateful.

I am not Grateful for the Pain itself. I am not Grateful for my History or even my Life. What I am Grateful for - is how God has transformed each one of these things. How, no matter how Broken something is - He can always Heal it - making it even better than before. And what I am Grateful for Most? Is that I can see it all - as clear as the Purist Water. I see God. I SEE HIM. As if He's always at my side. Not some Halucination. I see Him through acts of Kindness or through a simple silly kitten. I seem Him in a smile and in a tear. I see Him in a song and in the silence. I see Him y'all - I see Him Everywhere. And that. That somehow makes it all WorthIt.

I don't really know why. But for tonight - it's enough to know that my Prayers were answered - as I knew they would be. I am Grateful for my Life and I would NOT trade it in. Not now. Not with what God has opened in my heart. Thank You my Lord. Thank You SO Much. You alone know the depths this means to me. You alone are worthy of - well - Anything. And Everything. I am SO Grateful for You. Don't Ever Let me Forget! Please. I want this knowledge Forever. Thank You my Lord. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.