Tired. But Good. Thank You my Lord.

I have another memory. A floodgate of them actually. It is something I didn't realize that I don't share. In the past six plus years of my time with my therapist - I actually have only really talked about it once. The funny thing is that it was only today that I realized it is a time period that probably has the Biggest Role in driving me past abnormal and a bit odd - to Completely Insane. The reason I don't think I realized this, is like with many things - it had to be Completely Good. Because it could not be Completely Bad. And I had no inbetween. But now I do. The reason this had to be Completely Good - was because it is rehab I was sent to by my family and friends. After my first suicide attempt - I was Broken. I needed help. This Christian Rehab in Arkansas was what we turned to, when we knew nothing about mental illnesses. It was supposed to be a six month rehab - I think I spent 9 or 11 months there, but I blocked so much out I can hardly remember the timeline anymore. But I'm remembering that place now. I'm also having a hard time writing this, indeed - struggling with the idea of sharing at all - because of the cost. I never knew the price. My family was kind enough to never tell me they were paying a Fortune to get me the help I desperately needed. When I found out, after I got out of that hell hole - I was Swamped with Guilt. There were times during the hell years they heard how much I hated the place, but overall I think it was blown off by myself and others due to the price and their inability to "fix me". I spent years learning to suppress the Bad and only remember the Good. People had given my parents their air-miles for the mandatory visits to see me each month. There was a fund in our church to keep me there and second mortgages were even taken out to pay for my stay! No one could EVER know how bad it was. And I'm SO Sorry. I am SO SO Sorry it was awful. I'm SO Sorry I couldn't tell you guys that when I said they brainwashed us - I wasn't lying. I'm SO Sorry it wasn't the place we wanted it to be - we NEEDED it to be. No, that program did more than fail in fixing me - it took what was broken and obliterated the shattered fragments of my very spirit. I left that place without a doubt that I was the Most Worthless Person in Existence. There was still hope before, but after they were through with me - I never stood a chance. And I wish I could have told someone! I wanted to! SO Many daydreams of being rescued. So many girls who ran away and were caught, brought back and then tagged with an ankle monitor. Granted, those were the underage girls. I was 18 - I signed myself there. They had to use different means to keep me. And they did. Control and Manipulation were the key forms of "help" at this facility. I was made known in very "kind" ways - exactly how Fucked up I was. I was made to Fully Understand how Broken and Worthless I was, unless I got help. I understood that I was a burden to my family - that as messed up as I was - I needed to get my act together before I could even think of returning to my family. On a minute-to-minute basis it was made clear that there was not one thing wrong with me - but everything was wrong. We were controlled every moment of every day. They woke us up and didn't leave our side until we were all asleep. They controlled every act we made, bar bathroom usage - although we did have to get permission, which was not always granted. But even that was only a privilege we were only afforded if we were good. If we messed up - it was taken away from us. Perhaps control like this could be good, if properly handled and if they were actually helping us. But no, while I did learn a shitton from the books we were given to Study - that was a Total God thing and was often in spite of the people who ran the show. People who did not allow friendships to form with the other girls, did not allow tears(happy or sad) without threat of punishment, did not allow sadness or any strong emotions at all. We were not allowed to disagree, we were not allowed to even speak if we lost that privilege. One girl did for a very long time. She was not allowed to speak or be spoken to - for over a month. Her dad worked there and enforced this himself. She was not allowed any form of communication. She was to not exist to the rest of us. And we listened - or we shared the same fate. I think that was the worst punishment in my eyes. Far worse than someone watching you pee and shower most definitely. I was the only girl who escaped punishment the entire time I was there. I did come close, they pulled me aside for a very serious conversation that had me in tears begging for forgiveness. I had disagreed with a counselor about which game we should play outside at the basketball hoop, in front of the other girls too. I had the head of the program speak to me directly about this. She rarely came to the house and you had to be a lot of trouble for her to go out of her way to talk to you. Most girls learned quickly to be docile and meek. Something I was absolutely not before my suicide attempt. But combined with a heavy sedative they had me on for most of my stay - they managed to put the fear of man in me. And to further my improper fear of God. I was odd in highschool, I was broken by my first suicide attempt, but Arkansas is what killed me. Because after that - I wasn't me. Whatever value I thought I had before Arkansas was completely replaced with the Total Knowledge that I was one of the most Fucked up people in the World. And it only got worse from there. Arkansas taught me that I would never be Good enough and I took it from there. I don't know if I will ever fully heal. But I will transform. I was a Strong-willed, High-spirited, Independent, Confident, Walk-to-the-Beat of my own Drum kinda Gal back in the early 2000s. And then Life broke me and continued to beat me for the next decade. I ran away from my family, my friends, the Church, myself and God to escape the Pain. But you can't escape Pain. Thankfully - you can't escape God either. He found me, beaten and broken He found me. He then started piecing me back together, making me not as I was - but better than before. I am now Strong-willed, when needed; I am remembering that's it's alright to be highspirited; I am learning that Independence doesn't mean doing everything on your own; my Confidence is found in Christ because I'm now a Walk-to-the-Beat of God's Drum kinda Gal. I am me - and now I am more. I can't say I will ever be thankful for Arkansas, despite how much I wish I could be. But I am thankful for how God has transformed me using any means at His disposal. He is SO Gracious in taking anything and everything - and bringing GOOD out of it. Thank You God. Thank You SO Much. And I'm sorry friends and family. I wish I could have told you while I was there, but they would disconnect our calls if we tried. They read all the letters we sent and we were only allowed to talk about happy stuff. They would throw anything else out and we had to sit down every day for, I can't remember if it was an hour or half an hour - but we had to come up with stuff to tell you. And so I did. Or I twisted things to make them sound good. And I'm sorry I have never genuinely admitted how terrible that place was. I have had moments where some have heard me rant about it, but I have never honestly and genuinely allowed myself to hate the place that Broke what was left of me. And I'm allowed to hate it. I won't say it was wholly bad and I won't say it was wholly good. There was definitely Good there, amidst the wretchedness. I have many fond memories of that place. But it is time to remember BOTH now. The Good and The Bad. I remember pizza nights and learning to crochet. I remember the Beauty there, as we were on a Ranch in Arkansas! I remember my kitten, Mister. I remember that day we saw a Glorious sight of hundreds of horses and ponies pass us on a hike one day. I remember sitting in the creek with my "little sis" as we talked about boys and laughing because we were so rebellious in our talk, but they couldn't hear us over the bubbling creek. I remember Dad visiting and writing my name on the cliff wall. I remember Momma and him taking me to my first outdoor movie(!) when I earned a night out with them towards the end of my stay. I remember being super rebellious by climbing out of bed and onto another girl's bunk with a couple other girls to catch sight of some fireworks far off in the distance on the Fourth of July. The counselor that night was Super Kind and pretended not to see for a couple minutes. She was also fired shortly thereafter. That place was not a Good place, but neither was it evil. Like everything in Life, it was made up by people who are human. We all mess up, even when it comes to doing Good. We try and sometimes we even screw up other people's lives just trying to love them. Every mom a few dads have confessed to me a story along these lines. But that's apart of life. Screwing up as we go and learning to turn to God to fix it. Learning to lean on God so we screw up less and less. Sanctification isn't so much - becoming a better person - as much as it is becoming a less fucked up one. And so with that in mind, keeping in mind that when sin entered the world - so to did grey - Life is not Black and White. It is not Good and Evil. There is no Blaming any one person or one facility or yourself for Everything. For while there is fault in everybody - in the end that was never the point. The Point is to Follow God, to see the Big Picture. Figuring shit out isn't to find blame - it's so I can better understand myself in my effort to do this. Because blame is ultimately pointless. None of us deserve any form of forgiveness - that's why we have Grace. So, I don't care who fucked up where. We all did. We all will continue to do so. While there is sin in this world, fucked up shit is going to happen. Whether it be you, someone else or simply Life - there's no escaping it. The only hope you have is in the One who can transform shit - into something Beautiful. Way cooler than water into wine :) And now I'm tired of thinking, or remembering. I know God will use this for more than I know, but right now - I'm too tired to even care how. Thank you my friends - have a Good Week and a Very Good Friday. The most important Holiday in Life. This Friday's Holiday is in remembrance of Christ taking ALL The Blame, as well as our Punishments from us. This Day is why we have any Hope at all. This is the reason we get to Live, to eventually Go Home. The reason we will OneDay be sinless, Pure and PainFree. This Holiday is better than any other and I will not be wearing mascara to church for the service because of this. Thank you all who suffered through this and again - Good Day.