My Pain has rarely, if ever been understood by any. Of course, people would have to know it existed to even try. I would have had to know it existed too. But as every human, I built walls from birth to keep people out. I even tried to keep God out. But He knew - He always knew. He knows more about my Pain than I do, although that's no surprise. I know very little about it. Except when it breaks through. Except when it hits and I can't push it back into the Azkaban of my mind where I locked it so very long ago. And then - all I know - is that it hurts.
It has rarely broken through. When it does, disaster follows. I end up in the hospital or more likely, I am quick to turn it into anger, because anger doesn't hurt me. It hurts those close to me. And then I have more to lock within the prison in my mind. More that will hurt me when there is another jailbreak. And so I came more adept to finding ways to keep the Pain inside. To not let it out. They worked. Of course they worked. But no Prison can hold the kind of Pain that I possess.
I told a friend the other day that I didn't believe my therapist when he told me I have a high-pain tolerance. I have always assumed it must be Severely Low for me to be unable to tolerate it. To need to keep it locked away. To want to die simply because I can feel it. But that wasn't it. That wasn't it at all. Somehow, and the reasons do not matter at this time, I ended up with one of the Highest Levels of Mental Pain out there, a Pain that should have killed me by now. It was only God that did not allow it to do so.
And for years I didn't know I had such a High Pain-Tolerance, because the way I tolerated it was locking it in a Prison in the deepest recesses of my mind. And then God said No. After years of being a Sneaky Sneak - He had gotten me into a position where I had access to help. Help. Yeah. A word most people don't understand very well. Not this kind. Therapy - a Blessing and a Curse. Therapy - the Greatest Gift God could give me and the reason I had to let those prisoners go.
And so here I am. Feeling. Because, over time, it wasn't just the Pain I kept in Azkaban. It was all my emotions. Some were allowed out on occasion, for good behaviour. Like happiness, as long as I was never Too Happy. Most were kept tightly locked down. But then God and Therapy. FudgeBrownieSunday. I Feel now. I Feel Everything. Joy, Sadness, Rage, Jealousy, Fear - I'm Fucking Inside Out brought to Life!
It wasn't easy at first, but over time, I like to think I've gotten better at it. This Feeling thing. And although the Pain Completely Overwhelmed me the first year or so. It's gotten more manageable too. My therapist said that would happen. It was hard to believe him. And so here I am, Trusting God and the people He's placed in my life. Because guys - it Hurts.
I still don't know where. I don't even know why, in the moment for sure. I just know that it hurts and that begging God to Please make it stop - well. He answers my prayers. Just not in my timing. I get that. I do. I really Really do. One day the Pain will be gone. I promise I get that. I DO! It just. It hurts. It hurts right now. It hurt all day. It hurt yesterday all day too. I don't know how long this Storm of Pain has lasted at this point. It comes in waves. I'm told this is a coping mechanism my mind employees to help keep my mind from breaking. I decided today it's kind of like Labor Contractions in my head. Sometimes the Pain is just a dull throb. Sometimes I barely notice it there. But then it comes back, the next wave. And then I'm on the floor - silently screaming again.
But I knew this when I decided to commit to my therapy. I knew this is what it would entail. I accepted this. And thankfully - I have a higher pain-tolerance than I believed. Thankfully God gave me His Own Strength. Because y'all - I don't know when this will end. It can go on for days, or only hours. It can go on for weeks, even months. Six months of this lost me my world once. Because it doesn't just effect me. It effects all those close to me. I don't believe it will last more than a couple days, but if you're reading this - could you just pray? Pray for me and those I confide in. Because they don't know what to do. Nobody does. How could they, when I sure as hell don't? But it hurts. And locking it inside doesn't work anymore. It's hard enough just keeping the screams silent.
Thank you my friends. And Thank You God. Thank You for knowing what to do, when no one else could. Thank You for having the Patience to lead me to You through years of me running hella hard away. I didn't understand that I couldn't survive this without You. But I do now. You are my Rock. And I Love you for the Comfort You give, the Help You provide, the Friends You have brought to me all Sneaky Sneak-like and for just - for Your Grace and LOVE. You are Friggin Beyond Aces my Lord. Thank You for all this and More <3
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