I am Broken Enough

Something interesting keeps occurring to me. I'm 29 years old, female and single. But I don't get those queries of when I'm going to settle down, who am I dating or why am I not seeing anyone. I don't get those sly comments on clocks ticking and how I'm not going to be young forever. I know SO Many of my single Girlfriends who have felt pushed or feel pushed into finding a relationship while they are still in their childbearing years. I am Incredibly Grateful for this. I also wonder why. But I don't think it's hard to figure out. I'm me.

I'm Crazy. I'm Broken. I'm human. But I'm Real.

My shit is laid bare for Everyone to see. You can't live the life I've lived and try to hide it. I don't get that option. Other girls still do. So, honestly - they are Wifey Material. Me? I'm Fuckable. Because I'm Fucked Up. I am not Marriage or even Girlfriend Approved. So no one even brings it up. I need to get myself together first. I need to be single for a while. Both - VERY valid points. But it is fairly painful that those are the nicest comments I get on my relationship status.

I have one friend who has suggested me for a blind date, but other than that - I don't get the suggestion that "I have the perfect person you just have to meet! You guys would be perfect together!" No. I am far more likely to have people shield their guy friends from me. In many ways, Life never changed from my LoneStar days. My Reputation still exists, people are just kinder about it. I no longer have cruel girls and rejected boys stealing my tips, insulting me to my face with words that would make the hardest veteran blanche or spreading false rumors that I have Herpes behind my back.

No, the crowd is different, but the dynamics haven't altered at the heart. People are kind and genuinely love me. But Broken and Crazy are still not Good Enough. They are Good Enough for Jesus, but not their own boys. I am not Good Enough. I know this. I do not argue this point. I'm not. But News Flash people, NONE of us are. I am not the only Broken One in this World, I'm just one of the few that will admit it and even Embrace it.

Psalm 51^a

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1Have mercy on me, O God,

according to your unfailing love;

according to your great compassion

blot out my transgressions.

2Wash away all my iniquity

and cleanse me from my sin.

3For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is always before me.

4Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight;

so you are right in your verdict

and justified when you judge.

5Surely I was sinful at birth,

sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;

you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

7Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;

wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8Let me hear joy and gladness;

let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9Hide your face from my sins

and blot out all my iniquity.

10Create in me a pure heart, O God,

and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11Do not cast me from your presence

or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12Restore to me the joy of your salvation

and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13Then I will teach transgressors your ways,

so that sinners will turn back to you.

14Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,

you who are God my Savior,

and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15Open my lips, Lord,

and my mouth will declare your praise.

16You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;

you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17My sacrifice, O God, is^b a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.

18May it please you to prosper Zion,

to build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,

in burnt offerings offered whole;

then bulls will be offered on your altar.

I get that I'm a Mess. I get that I'm not Good Enough. And I get that I Never Will Be. And I'm Thrilled. Because that's what I need. I need to be Broken Enough to Need GOD. And Fuck Me - I Really and Truly am that Broken. I am that Screwed up and Crazy that Each and Every Day I turn to God for Help. Not a week goes by that I don't end up on my knees begging Him "Please." Just this morning in fact. And I Finally GET IT. That's what's Important.

I don't need to be Good Enough for the men of this World. I NEED to be Broken Enough for God.

Nothing else matters. And Nothing Else Ever Will. I Beg God regularly to remind me of that if I am Foolish Enough to forget. I am a 29 year old woman who is not happily single, but is Amazingly Grateful for this time to Grow Closer to God in the unique way you can only attain on your own. And I will continue to be Grateful to Grow Closer to God in the unique way you can only attain with another, should God allow it. I am not eager for dates, that is not why I wrote this. Indeed - I am not sure if dating or courting is in the cards for me. I am happy with where I am and where I'm going. It would be a very tricky thing for someone else to join me halfway up this mountain range where I've been scaling cliffs. But God is a Sneaky Sneak. I look forward to whatever He has in store for me...with No Little Trepidation ;)

I guess the reason I was writing is because Broken is not a Bad Thing. And I'm getting a little tired of people believing what I believed for SO Long. You don't have to be Perfect to Live. It's not even possible! My Brokenness has nothing to do with my Relationship Status, nor my career or whether I should get a car. No! I am where I am, in a GOOD Place - Living! Living for GOD! Because - I'm Following God! Albeit often Poorly. I will get a car when He thinks I need one. I will get a job if He doesn't want my time filled up with the Variety of Ministries I'm currently apart of and Friggin LOVE. And I will marry when He finds someone who - is certainly NOT Worthy of me, Nor I him. No No NO. I will marry when God finds someone who is in a Place of Brokenness that fits my own. I will marry when God finds someone who will be a Good Partner for me on Life's Pilgrim's Progress.

And if He decides that there is no one now, or ever - I really am ok with that. He knows what I want, and I Trust Him with that and MORE. Because Life isn't about my Happiness. It's not about what I want. Life isn't about Plans. It's about God and a Bigger Plan - for the WORLD and Eternity. And Each and Every one of us plays a part in that. And thankfully, when I learned to accept that - God has been Incredibly Fucking Kind in giving me what I want. Golly Day - I don't deserve the kind of Generosity and Grace He has bestowed upon me! I don't deserve Happiness or a man that will make me Happy! But God doesn't just care about my soul - He cares about me. And so - He makes it work.

Life is Pain. But we have God. And so the Pain is WorthIt. Every Day - He shows me why. He reminds me what I forget. He shows me the Happiness I have lost and will lose again. I am Broken and I Break Again each and every day. But He is always here - Healing me. Making me Stronger than Before! Giving me His Own Strength to Make Life my Bitch. Ok, that's a bit far. But you know what I'm saying.

I'm Living. I'm Broken and Living. Because that's how God Rolls yo.

And that. That is Beyond Enough.

Fuck Yeah I do!

Thank You

<3