I Dreamed of Death

The Pain hit earlier. I don't know why or where it came from. But suddenly - it hurt. Normally throughout my life - I wouldn't have gotten to the point where I even knew. The slightest recognition my mind had of Pain and I found a way to bury it again. But I didn't. Not this time. I've gotten better at this Feeling shit. And so I let it hit. I even let myself cry for a moment. And then I headed to the bathroom and turned the water as high as it would go and I sank into a literal pool of misery. At one point I began to Daydream. The usual - for a girl like me. Hair floating in a halo around my head, but I no longer in it. It still happens once in a while. Once you begin to dream of death - it isn't so easily erased from your mind. But thankfully I've stopped running from my Lord. I draw on His Strength and not my own, now. And in that moment as I dreamed of death - I remembered something. I remembered a tale, a tale as old as time, in a way. A question asked every generation and generations to come I have no doubt. A question of death. A question we often ask each other throughout the years as we explore the idea of Life and Beyond. How would you like to die? Most answers I remember were all the exact same one. They wanted to die in their sleep, no pain, no knowledge of their own passing. They simply wanted to pass away quietly without a fuss. God - how I wish I had wanted that. No. I was always a Wild Child. A Good girl, naive and innocent - but Wild and always searching for Excitement. I didn't want a Boring Death. I wanted to go out fighting. I wanted to go out fighting for a cause. For something Big and for the Lord. I was aiming to end up in a religious war of some kind. To die fighting the enemy. I didn't want to die in torture, but I figured if I grew up strong and brave - I could maybe be alright with that. I daydreamed of being in a Columbine situation and dying for what I believed in. This was me -- a girl who dreamed of Excitement, Adventure and Following God into Battle. A Brave and Courageous Warrior of Christ. A girl who always wanted to be a Lady Knight SO Badly - my dad got me a Roman Short Sword for my 18th Birthday. A sword that is even now near me and I cherish. What I never realized was that God granted me my wish. And at the first sight of the war - I fled, a Coward. I was not brave. I turned tail and ran as if demons were chasing me - and believe me - they were. I ran as if my life depended on it, but in the end - I simply ran away from my Protector. I dropped my weapons, I discarded my armor and I ran defenseless, pursued by the very hounds of hell. For the battle I envisioned was not the battle I found. No, for they rarely are. I dreamed of being Esther - but ended up being a Simon Peter. I wanted to stand up for Christ, indeed - I cred a warriors cry and cut off a few ears. But then, when I saw exactly what the battle would entail - I denied my Lord. I Rejected Him. I said to His Face that I did not want the Life He called me for. I told Him I Refused it. I looked up at Him on the cross and spat - I mocked Him with my cowardice in comparison to what He has done for me. There is a song that I love...

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand

I will stand
I will stand, all other ground is sinking sand
All other ground, all other ground
Is sinking sand, is sinking sand
So I'll stand

This is a song that never fails to make me cry in shame for what I have done in rejecting His plan for me. A plan that I asked for, that I begged for! I didn't want to die peacefully - I wanted to die fighting for Him! And so There is No Power of Hell, No Scheme of Man that will ever pluck this away from me. I was a Coward. I listened to the lies. I blinded myself to the Truth. The fight is not always against that which is tangible and easily seen. Sometimes the fight is much more nebulous. We are not up against an evil dark lord. We are up against our very selves. We are up against Sin itself. The devil is not hell's overlord. He is destined to be it's number one prisoner and he aims to not be alone there. So when we fight - we must keep in mind that it is not always as straight forward as we would like. The battle is not overseas. The battle is not with flesh and blood. It is SO Much more complicated than that. And if you are as stupid as I was to want Excitement instead of Boredom. If you have yearned for Excitement and to Battle for the Lord. Keep in mind that the Battle may come in a form you do not realize even exists. You may even be tortured so Intensely - you are driven mad. I always knew I couldn't handle torture, that I couldn't handle the level of Pain I am consistently submitted to by the enemy within my own mind. But as I child I knew God would give it to me. As I child I knew much more than I lost as an adult. But I remember now. And Damn anything that would let me forget again! As God is my Saviour - the Battle has Already been WON! I will not run away in fear again. I will run with Christ as my guide - yelling FREEDOM. Freedom from sin. Freedom from Pain. Freedom from this Life. Freedom for more. Freedom to Go Home. I will fight to help my Lord end the War that has already been won. And when it is over. I am going Home. I am going Home, OneDay. We live in a WarZone friends - never forget that. You do not make your Home in a WarZone. In War you form Deep Bonds -- you live together, battle together, save the day together and even die together. But this Life is not our Home. We are not here to Live Happily Ever After. We are here for Much More than that. But we will get our Happily Ever After. Just not yet. That particular OneDay is not now. For now we stand together and we Fight! We Fight for the Lord! Just as I always wanted. I remember now. I remember my dream. I beg of you God - never let me forget this moment. Never let me fail to SEE. Thank You. So Sleepy. Gnight.