A Ramble turns to ICE

I once shared a secret. A secret that is not really a secret. The secret of my Distrust. I do not Trust easily. I never have. Oh - I am willing to try. I have always started with the things that people find particularly shocking before I determine whether to move to the next level. Of course, I didn't know I did this. But someone pointed it out once. It made me think. Since then, I've thought much more. I mean, the fact that I've done many heinous things are not secrets to me. They are not things I have a hard time sharing. Do not think you have my Trust because I have shared them. Know that you were being tested if I have shared them. Most have failed that test. Frankly - it was not a good test. Nevertheless, very few were able to get past that point and so few realize what it means to have my Trust.

My Trust does not mean I share the skeletons in the closet. No, that is an average person. But I am not average. I am Crazy. In this case that means if you have earned my Trust you will know what makes me tick. You will hear stories of the things I Love most in this World. You will know what I value and why. And perhaps you know a little, perhaps I tried testing you on that level. Even more fail that Test of Trust than the First. Sharing what I love most, what I value the most, what people can use against me in anger - that is the Greatest Sign of Trust for me. There are very few in my past who I trusted with those weapons that can destroy my heart and mind, but a Great many today.

And yet - we are human. It is terrifying to Trust, to expose yourself to another. They will hurt you. Trust involves Pain when it is between to people filled with sin. I do not Trust people who will not hurt me with my own Trust. I Trust people for a variety of reasons, but the Greatest are that they know they hurt me and they make amends. I Trust people who learn from their mistakes and try not to hurt me. I Trust people who want to be Trusted with these things. Therefore - I often Trust people based mostly on the fact that they Understand that they are being Trusted and it is no little thing. They treat my Trust with care, because it is a Fragile thing indeed.

My Trust has not been around long. It was Broken too many times and I would not let God fix it. I tried to mend it myself. But not even Ducktape can piece together something like that. And so the more I was hurt, battered and broken - the less ease I had in putting it back together to try again. But no more. Now I have a Man who is Completely Trustworthy, and not even the fairy tale, movie kind. I have a Savior who has earned the Trust that He should never have lost. I don't deserve that. It still brings me to tears that He is willing to do such a thing for me. Yeah. Where are those damn tissues? Fuck. How the hell did I go through all those boxes? I never did this much crying before. Sanctification's obnoxious byproducts.

Anyways. I don't Trust. I never have. And the two groups I have trusted least are women and Christians. No, this is not going to be an convicting post. I want to understand something about myself, and the idea has already taken root and consumed me. Let me also prequel this with my personal dealings with anger. First - I get angry...A LOT. I get ALL emotions, except when I have numbed them. And I did that for a grand portion of my life. But when I feel, I feel EVERYTHING. And I feel it INTENSELY. So when I anger - I anger like a match lit close to a gas-leak. BOOM. And while you might be in the room, you may not even feel the explosion. Often, I contain it inside my own head. I do NOT like attention. Good or Bad - I cannot handle the spotlight. It comes with wanting so desperately to be normal(although I'm making fantastic headway with that struggle). But I do explode and I either find an outlet on another - or myself. Anger always needs an outlet. Every strong emotion does.

Usually I take it out on myself, but not always. The rare times I explode on another - it is a Scary, Dangerous and Horrible thing to behold. Bright, loud, catastrophic, but also quickly over. I do not stay angry. And afterwards, much like an explosion - I am spent and burnt out. And then I look around and see the damage I have wrought and I am Utterly Devastated. The Pain Never Fails to hit me after something like that. I hate myself with a vengeance that no other could possible turn towards me for even the most horrible thing I have done. And this is why I rarely explode. Why I would much rather hurt myself. Better to damage one already Broken than to break another. There are few I Trust in General, but only a handful I trust with my anger. If that. People who I know understand what is going on in my brain when that happens and are not quick to hurt me more than I am already hurting myself.

So that is my anger - I burn bright and fast and then I am Horrified with what I have done. Of course, I also have a cold anger. This is not one I often encounter within myself. Because of who I am and my shitty life experiences, if there is a way to forgive - I find it. There have been Very, Very few times I have burned so bright that I froze over. Even then, with God there is a way to thaw. But for me, when my anger lasts more than a couple of hours, I am on my way to freezing you out. There are three people in my life I have held a grudge against, a cold anger that burned as if it was hot, but without any explosion. All three are women. Only one was a non-Christian. I do not Trust Christians easily and I trust women even less.

Once upon a time all women were evil, because I lived in a world of black and white. Same with Christians. And if you've been following me you will know one of the Greatest reason my anger will ignite. I, like many, use anger as a defense. For Pain turned against another, particularly an attacker, allows you to escape it's cruelty and not feel as bad for it. Doesn't matter if the Pain was from that one person. If someone triggered a Great Deal of Hidden Pain through a small attack, lashing out at them can hide it safely away again. You can just pretend it was what they said or did that brought on such an extreme response, not what you have been hiding from yourself. There are many reasons to feel anger instead of Pain. Power. Control. Defensive Measures. Pain makes you vulnerable, anger can give you leverage.

I have been through that phase. It was not something I care to ever experience again. I know what it's like to use Anger for control, as a defense. I called her Ice Bitch. God banished her and I NEVER want to see her again. It is quite possibly the greatest reason anger terrifies me. I know I often talk about Pain, about others hurting me. But I realize I have talked very little about another aspect of that. I was hurt. You know this. I was beaten black and blue by many that I trusted. By my own church even. But I very rarely speak of what happened when they Broke me. I mean, I speak of it in a General sense. I ran away from God. But I rarely speak of how I did this. Why? I assume most of you already know and very few are comfortable with that knowledge. But perhaps it's time to put aside your comfort. People think I convict too much. It's a lose-lose situation. Let me take a moment to tell you of my faults. It does not make me uncomfortable. Although people's reactions to them do.

Very few can forgive me my history. Only God can do that. And so I rarely speak of it. But more and more lately I get the idea that I come across as preaching at people. Like I think I'm better them and without reason or cause to say what I say. When I was Broken by the Church and people I loved - I believed I deserved it. I believed that I was as Worthless as I was often treated. And at first I had hope. And over time that too was beaten out of me. And so I embraced my worthlessness. I grew to me miserably comfortable in my own shitty existence. And I not only shit on myself, but I asked others to shit on me. But there is no such thing as an innocent victim. I don't know where the movies got that idea. I also started shitting on others. I was the Ultimate Ice Bitch. You can only be hurt so long before you die or numb the Pain. But did you ever thing about what happens when you are numb? When you're heart turns to ice? My heart froze until it hardened. Then I no longer cared about myself or others. I was a wild card who was just surviving.

During those years I did whatever it took to keep the Pain locked away. I did drugs and I drank - but those never numbed my level of pain. However, they did help me to access what would. And so through the party world I found the men who would be willing to hurt me. Nothing intense or kinky. I was honestly too naive to know that kind of thing existed. I was always naive, just not innocent. But one of my favorite sayings was that "sex isn't any good if you don't come out of it with bruises and claw marks." And I had many. Oh - have I shocked you with my words? No - they don't shock me. Very little shocks me anymore. Until one day a man did. Just another man to screw. Just another man to get me through the night. Just another way to survive. But I woke up in his arms and he said something that makes me cry even now. He said "you are so sweet." To this day I will never forget that moment. The moment someone saw something I had long forgotten. Something he should Never have been able to see in me. He had already been warned away from me. He had already been told I was the workplace slut who doesn't even screw for money like the other girls. He was told I had Hepatitis and that I always go after the new guys, never caring if they had a girlfriend. Well, they got two out of three. But he still went out with me and it can only be God that gave Him the sight to see more than what was there. More than I even saw. From that day forward we were inseparable. Indeed, I can only remember one night apart after we started dating. For two and a half years we were together. He was my Best Friend. He saw in me what I had Long Forgotten and coaxed it back out a little at a time. He believed in me and I gave him my everything. Which is exactly what went wrong. This man became my savior. I gifted him my body, heart, mind and my SOUL. And yet - he was not Christ. Not only was he equipped to handle all that - but God is a jealous God and this man had become an idol to me. Eventually, he was taken away. But God is also a kind and loving God. We did not part on happy terms, but neither have I ever thought he was a bad man or cruel. He simply couldn't handle what only Christ can.

I was lost again after that. I never reverted back to the whore I was the days before this man attempted to rescue me. I respected him for what he had attempted to do too much for that. And so I did relationships instead, and then my boyfriend died. Things got messy after that. And that's my shit right there. I don't talk about it much because what's there to say? I usually just sum it up with "I'm a bad person". I have had more sex than I can remember and I was not just a victim, but a BITCH. There were men who fell for me. I wanted nothing to do with Love. I threw them to the curb like trash. There were women who were in relationships with the men I slept with, and I cared nothing for breaking them up. I wasn't eating and I was a tiny white girl who could get whichever man I wanted. There was no man I went after that I did not take. It became a game, the only thing that was of any worth to me at that time. And I was Skilled at playing it. There are very few times I lost that game and those men still hold a great deal of respect in my eyes for it.

So do not think I write convictions heedlessly. I write them because I know evil. I was it. I am not a good person. I am Broken and crying and screaming. I laugh as I cry and I bleed. I am not an untouched flower, but I am the Perfect storm on the sea. I will never be normal. How can I be? I have fucked too many. I have played too many games. I have broken too many others. I am a Bad Person. How can I be normal? How can I be normal when God fucking chose to save me? How can I not be different when I understand that God didn't chose his bride out of some fairy tale princess locked in a tower, no He chose to save the Ice Bitch reigning Devastation on so many lives. I was Maleficent, I was Every Evil Queen in Every Disney movie. I was a victim that ran away from her Pain, who ran away from God - and embraced Evil.

I am Broken.

I am Evil.

And yet - He chose me.

And I still don't understand! Particularly on nights where I remember. I remember those days where I reigned in my Broken, Worthless, Evil, seemingly beautiful body. Why do you think I hate being pretty? It reminds me of those days! I cannot convey how awful I was. I may fear emotions - but I fear the Numbness, the Icy anger Far More. And I knew it then. I was chosen and God was always trying to show me He loved me. But allowing Him to love me meant allowing myself to Feel. And the first feelings I never failed to feel when I tried to let myself - were Absolute Loathing. I Hated myself. The Hatred and Pain would wash over me like a Tsunami and then I would land in ICU. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how.

But God is a sneaky God. I love Him for that. And so He sent me people to teach me. Unbeknownst to some of them, and definitely to me. A therapist, a Study, a Changed Church - God slowly earned my Trust and taught me how to handle the Pain through others. And then, when I started speaking to Him again - He used many more methods. And now I KNOW. I Know He loves me. I Know He cares. I Know He chose me and that I am Valuable to Him. I Know He sees me as more than even a Broken tool. He sees in me SO Much more than I, or anyone. I was "sweet" to a man I didn't even know at the time. To God - I am Irreplaceable. I am Invaluable. I am worth Far More than Rubies. I could never argue that myself. I can barely Believe it myself. But He has proven it. Over and Over again, God has told me I am Worth it. That He has made me Worthy.

I am Priceless.

I do not deserve this. I do not deserve Him. But I have Him. I was Broken. I was Evil. And I was always HIS. He will never leave me nor forsake me - no matter how hard I run or how much I try to push Him away. I will never be Grateful for my History. I hate what I did. I hate who I was. I hate what happened to me that made me that way. But there is NOTHING in this World that God cannot Transform. And the Greatest Miracle I have ever witnessed is His transformation of me. So no - I am not normal. How can I be? With the life I lived - I was jailed only once for a dui, I never got pregnant, never got an std, no diseases of any kind. I have very few physical scars for what I have done and I'm somehow also ALIVE when the doctors said there was NO Hope for at least one of my suicide attempts. Because God chose me and He wants me here. He sees that there is work to do that I can help with. I am not only loved - but He wants to use me, to bring Him Glory! Me?! A once reigning Ice Bitch?! I'm to help GOD with GOOD. Fuck me man. You know how much that can mean to a once-named-whore like me?

I know I have a hard time Trusting. I know I have a Hard time Loving in a Godly way. I learned a lot of things in my life - I can see past a fake mask like it's that of a clown. Manipulative women are my specialty as I was one. If I mark a man as safe - then he is. I can read people easily, although the reasons for why they are uncomfortable, upset, angry, etc are subject to needing more information. I have honed many skills to perfect my role as Ice Bitch, but now I find I am having to update them if you will. With God in the mix, these skills are still helpful - but they need a new twist. I am not finding fake masks to know who my enemies are, but to know who the hurting are. Manipulative women are not the competition - they need to be loved. And while I can turn to men who I mark as safe - I do not need the protection of their bed from those that are unsafe.

The evil queen may have a rapid change of heart in the movies, but that is not the Real World. Here - there be Monsters. And here - it takes time to change from a monster to a hero of any kind. It's been several years since I started the process and many relapses. But I'm Changing. I'm Growing. I'm learning how to be the Woman that God sees in me. A woman I never knew. I know here now. I see who I am and bits of who I'm meant to be. And I don't hate myself. I hate what I was. But it no longer drives me to hurt myself or scream when I remember. I just cry. I cry a lot these days. I hate crying. I am not crying now. But my head hurts.

I hate ending on a bad note. This is known. So let me find that poem I wrote in a previous blog post and end with that. A poem I am transposing as a song, hopefully. Maybe I'll work on that next. Anyways - here it is:

I am His Perfect Storm

A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

My Fantastical Dream

Everybody has a Bucket List, written out or not. Everybody who wants to Live has things they would like to do in this Life. Typically a Bucket List is Comprised out of wants that our not yet attainable. Whether it be due to money, priorities, opportunities, etc. But they are always there - these Goals for OneDay. And this is Good. This is Very Good. Well - I mean as long as you aren't legalistic about it and don't make your purpose in life to attain them. That will leave you Broken and Defeated. A Bucket List is not to be checked off - but to be Dreamed about.

Dreams, Goals, Fantasies can be a Wonderful Tool to help you Live Life to the Fullest. God uses these to guide you. Because God cares more about your soul. We've talked about this. He cares about our Wants, our Hopes and our Dreams. And I KNOW He wants us to come to Him with these things - to ask Him for Help and Guidance to fulfill these Lifelong Desires. And as long as we realize we Must be Amenable to the Changes He will make in our Unique Bucket Lists - we will end up with more Fantasies fulfilled than we could have Ever have Even Hoped for. I know from First-hand Experience.

Of course - if you let an item on your List become an Idol -- if you say this is a MUST Have, not a WANT. Then believe you me - there's a Good Chance it will Never be Attained. Or the Consequences of Checking it off are Dire instead of Fulfilling. I know This from Experience as well. So when making a List of Dreams, when plotting out Flexible Goals for this Life - Go BIG. Just don't Demand. And so I have. Ever since I realized that God is More than a General of a Roman Army, but the Lover of my Soul - I've started asking Him for a Variety of my Deepest Desires. And while I do not share those lightly, there is one that I have begun to talk about in the past year.

I rarely discuss it because it is an Incredibly Flexible Lifelong Dream. It is not one I will attain in this year or the next or even the next. I'm sure God could do that if He wanted too - but I still have to Grow A Helluvalot to attain this Goal and a couple years of that level of Growth would hurt like a Bitch. But sharing often means people feel obligated to give me input on how this can be achieved or warnings on why it cannot be achieved. At least, not by me. And yet - God has not asked me to let go of this Fantasy of mine. He often refines my Desires for it. And as I've shared it more often then ever lately - I thought I'd share it here now.

But let me start with a Dream that is not mine, that you may understand why this Dream is SO Important to me. For I do Not dream of having my own children. I have had many people tell me this will change. That it's only not Important to me now. I realize Dreams change with time and that many people think I am simply adjusting to the fact that my "clock is ticking" now that I'm 29. But this is not a Valid Reason in my eyes. God has Never had Difficulty giving children to anybody. I realize people can struggle to have children and some are barren. And it breaks my heart when people who Desire to have children cannot. That is a Spiritual Journey that I would NEVER wish on another.

I also know of people who decided they were Done with kids. No more. We're no longer up for the Parenting Gig. They pay for hospital procedures to ensure this. And then what happens? Who doesn't know a story like that! Cracks me up. I myself have a brother who is 17 years younger than me, although he was a Miracle that we Praised God for due to the circumstances. God can give and God can take away. It's not up to us. So no, I don't want my own children. Neither am I saying, No - don't you dare give me children God. I figure I'll use your average birth-control and God will make the necessary decisions.

So why don't I want kids of my own? Because God has given me a Purpose in Life - and I LOVE it. And while I realize this may be a Purpose for just This Moment in Time, I am Hoping it will Grow. For now - I am in a Position where I can love others - However they need it. I get to be the Spontaneous Telephone call you make when you need someone to help clean your house, to move some large furniture, to sub for you in one of the ministries, to babysit, to accompany you to a shindig you don't want to attend alone, to talk to you when you are walking a dark path home by yourself and feel a little scared. I LOVE being this person. I LOVE Helping in these ways!

I don't have a set schedule, but neither is my schedule Ever Empty. Looking back on the week I am often shocked by how much has Happened. And I LOVE That! I have a large quantity of small skills that go towards my Passion to Love others as they need it. Every day I work on more skills to add to this repertoire. Recently I found out I get to help one of my treasured friends arrange her wedding bouquets and I literally cried with happiness. She was a bit stressed and it is a hobby I have joyfully worked on for kicks and giggles, never knowing I might be needed in this regard. It's the Little Things that really turn out to be Big Things.

And so that is what my weeks consist of inbetween Helping others. I Follow God and Hone a Variety of Skills for Future use that I do not even yet know. But I Trust that He does. And so a Passion of mine has become this Broad Idea of Love and Healing. Life will Break each and every one of us over time. Hopefully most will turn to God for Healing sooner than I did. And then it is more a matter of Maintenance. God is always nearby, Willing to Heal what has Broken -- Heart, Mind and Soul. And while we may be His, whether we like it or not - Healing needs more of a willingness to Reach out to Him on our parts. Or, at least not run hella hard away like I did ;)

And that's the thing. There are SO Many like me! There are SO Many who did NOT Turn to God for Healing. SO Many who run away in Fear! People who are Broken -- Hearts, Minds and Souls. This WORLD is Broken. Sin is here and Constantly Corrupting EVERYTHING! It hurts just thinking about it. And that is my passion. Brokenness. Brokenness and Healing. The Healing Power of LOVE. Of God. And that is my Deepest Lifelong Desire. The Culmination of all my Passions.

Ever since I lived in Chapel Hill I have dreamed of owning a house like the ones off of 64. Those Magnificent Old Homes with land, privacy and Beauty. Close enough to the cities to not feel cut off, and far enough to be able to Scream and nobody calls the cops. In my mind this dream is a Farm House with a Butt-load of Land, several sheds and a barn or two. But no matter what it is or where it is - it is a HOME. It is a HOME for the Broken. Whether it be People, Animals, or things -- I want it ALL.

I want a place for the Discarded. I want to take in everyone and everything. I want a Home to share with others, a Safe Haven where they can take the time to heal. I don't want to be their therapist. I want to give them opportunities. People need different forms of Love and also different ways to Cope and Heal. I want to have them ALL. That is why I want Everything Broken. I want horses, cats and dogs. I want broken furniture, electronics and cars. Gardens and Music and Laughter! I want there to be a variety of methods to turn to when the Pain hits. And I want a Safe Place, a Haven, a HOME so that people can take the time and LET the Pain hit.

I want there to be a creek and trees to climb. I want there to be a motorcycle that needs to be rebuilt. I want gardens that need tending and food that needs cooking. I want there to be a violin that begs to be played and paper that is ready to bleed with paint. I want animals that will climb in your lap to cuddle and others that need someone who has the patience and focus to earn their trust. I want all this and more.

It will take time. I realize this. I will be a very old crazy, blind lady before this Dream were ever to see fruition, if it ever does. I do not know what kind of people I would take it. Kids, women, adults with severe mental disabilities? I don't know. But I have time. Right now I am still Growing. My skills are still Developing, my Passions are as well. This one started years ago, but the image I desire has clarified since then.

And I see it, as if in a dream from a movie. It will never be a large government facility. I do not want a shitload of rules and condescending counselors treating any in my Home as I have been treated. No. I want a much smaller scale than that. Much much smaller. I want to simply take in those God leads to me. I want to follow Him in this. I'm hoping it will start with fostering children. OneDay mind you. I do not want my own children, nor do I want to adopt. My strength is Helping others. My passion is in Healing. I do not have a Passion to Raise people myself.

A friend of mine once made a very wise comment that it is foolish to have children when you don't have a passion to raise them, because a Great Deal of that Passion will fade with the Difficulties of Raising them. The less you start with, the more likely it will be that you will end up resenting Parenthood. And I wholeheartedly agree. Maybe God will Inspire a Change in my Heart. But for now, my Passion is to help the Broken and Weary - of all ages. I DO want a family, I just don't need mine to be related by blood. I have a Church Family and I want to Extend THAT one. This is Far More Important to me than ANY other Passion of mine. And that is what my Fantastical Dream is. To make a Home and a Family out of the Broken and Downtrodden.

And so - if you look at this Dream of mine through my eyes....you will see an average size farm house sitting in the glow of the sunset - not Super Big, worn and loved by age. It has a light on in one of the windows and you can see a girl twirling and dancing to a faint, but clear melody. Another window, darkened and cracked shows two glowing eyes of a predator. They blink before they disappear as a cat slinks to the ground and stalks into the shadows of rusty confines of a Ford. Tools are littered everywhere and there is a glow near the engine. A closer look will reveal a pair of bare feet, smudged with dirt and grease, tapping in time to the music from the house. Looking past the car is a child, laden with vegetables. He stops with a query for the foot-tapper before continuing up the steps to the door and calling for help. A figure opens the door and rescues the child from losing it all to a moment of lost balance. After a moment, the rescuer steps onto the porch and whistles loudly that it's time to clean up before dinner. The foot-tapper fidgets a bit longer before squirming out from under the car. The music stops and the light goes out as the dancer joins the foray. Past the house you can see a barn, silhouetted by the brilliant colors of a setting sun. Two people emerge, racing towards the house with a dog yipping between them. They laugh when the dog trips up both of them and beats them up the steps to the door. You can hear a cacophony of laughter as they all sit down, the silence of Prayer and the Different Silence that can only be a Delicious Meal. And if you take one last look around at this Dream of mine you will see the Perfection only an Imagination can Attempt to Capture. Flowers in Full Bloom, the smell of Honeysuckle strong in the air, a cow moos in the distance and a horse whinnies in response. As the sun goes down - all the house lights snuff out one by one. Soon there is only the song of the cicadas and the spark of lightning bugs. You can almost hear those whispered words...And They Lived Happily Ever After. Well that's actually me shouting them out you. Yeah. There I am. The crazy lady dressed in hottpink with a cat on her lap. I'm there Rocking on the Porch, blind as a bat but staring right at you. Yeah. Well this is My Dream and so that is what you see :p There may or may not be an old man sitting next to me dozing off over a beer. I poke him to check.

The End

P.s. Evelyn - the character from a Certainly R-rated movie, Four Brothers, was the beginning of a glimmer of Clarity I found for my Dreams.

A Short Ramble on Emotions

I called one of my Besties crying my eyes out this afternoon. She listened and was encouraging, laughed in all the right places and agreed vehemently with my known final sobbing line of "And I Haaaate Cryyyyiiiiing!" And this was the segue to a Fantastic Conversation where I feel like I finally understand how Incomprehensibly Complicated it is to be a woman.

Did you know a woman gets one week out of the entire month for normal emotions? Maybe. ONE WEEK. If she's lucky and has the normal cycle for her period. Yeah. Count it off. We get pms(PRE-menstruation) where our emotions are magnified to an extraordinary degree. We get a week of bleeding and physical pain that effects our emotions. And the week after? That's a gal's fertile week and it causes a whole different range of complex emotions based on your body trying to get you pregnant. Then you get a week of "normalcy" before it all starts up again. Of course, every girl is different. An average cycle is every 28 days. Mine is looking to be 25, and I know a couple girls who are between 18 and 22. Do you realize how that effects us?! No. I Had NO Idea. I've gone so far as to Blow off doctor's about this, who insisted it was a big part of my struggles.

Because there's those of us who already have Intense Emotions. We struggle to handle them without going insane. The options are to numb them or learn to acknowledge them, pinpoint where they are coming from and then handle that shit. But when you have a basketball sized knot of Spiderwebs to untangle - the task is often Overwhelming! I wish I had submitted sooner to the idea that "I'm pmsing" isn't an excuse - it's a reason to help pinpoint where that seemingly irrational emotion just came from! And I never have!

I am SO Blown away by the simple fact that a woman's cycle is Complicated, it's Intense - and it's NOT talked about enough! I had NO Idea that I had specific days where my emotions were magnified, no matter what emotions they were. That things were more of a big deal then and why. I had NO Idea that girl's don't actually have a sex-drive until about 26 years of age, when their libido's take off! I thought I had one. I was SO Wrong. And we don't talk about that. Typically because women are either married or comfortable having sex while single. We talk to the boys about to handle the crazy that hits them as teens, but we never warn the girls what will happen to them in their 20s and 30s. Maybe because they'll be adults then and whatnot. I don't know. But it hit me like a truck and I have been SO Confused about why for the past 3 years.

Emotions are looked down upon, disregarded, treated as a disease or even a sin. We learn to hide our tears, to hush our laughter, to Calm the Storms inside us. NO. This should not be! We are Storms. We are His Perfect Storms! Embrace the emotions - Feel them - Encourage them in others! Shutting them down doesn't make them go away! It just pressurizes them until they explode - possibly killing you. What we need to do is to give them to God. To say - this is me. This is who You created me to be. Help me learn how to wield them Properly. And He will. I know He will! I have Faith because He has earned my Trust.

I shut my emotions down for too many years to know how to handle them properly. I opened that flood gate and was IMMEDIATELY Overwhelmed. But He has been working with me. The Flood of Noah's Ark is a great analogy to what happened to my mind the first year or two of really working on my DBT. And the waters still have not receded, but I have gotten that twig of Hope. Like the world, I know my mind will never be free of floods, of tornadoes and hurricanes. Not in this Lifetime.

But with God's help I am getting there. I am learning how to Live with them. Learning how to survive them. And of course - how to see the Beauty within them. Your emotions can wreck havoc on your own mind and the minds of others - but they can also do more than that. For emotions are not just Natural Disastors. They are the Rainbow after the Flood. They are the sunrise and sunset. They are the moon that kisses her cheek and the the stars that shine above. Emotions are Dangerous and Beautiful. We must learn to use them wisely.

I must learn to use them wisely.

And I will. Because I have faith. Because He has earned my Trust.

A Complete and Utter Ramble

Thought of the Moment:

If you do not have a Knight in Shining Armor willing to take the Fall for all your Fuckups, for all the sin in your Heart - you only really have two options. You can Embrace your sin - accept it, encourage it, even flaunt it. Or you start to hate yourself and quickly lose the will to live. From my Experiences: You will find mental facilities filled with the latter, while many people stuck in the service industry can be found in the former.

There are many reasons to "love your sin", but often it is simply a survival tool. If you have a struggle you cannot overcome, a thorn in the flesh - but no way to remove it - you can turn the Pain, into Pleasure. Maybe you are feeling lonely and there is this cutey at the bar who starts flirting with you, one thing leads to another and the night becomes wild, exciting and anything BUT lonely. And yet - the next morning you wake up, alone again, but now feeling more worthless than ever. So what do you do? Well, you can't apologize for it. You can't accept forgiveness. You can't move on. And why should you? You didn't do anything wrong. Everyone does it. It felt good. It was fun! I liked it. Anyways, it's just sex. It's not like I cheated on anyone. It's not like it effected anybody. Accept - it effected me. It effected me in several ways. On the one hand it gave me a Confidence I had lost. It raised my self-esteem and brought excitement to my life. What I didn't realize was that it was simultaneously draining me of those things.

It is not one moment that often brings a person down, it is a succession of many. It is a Slow Fade that you can often not even recognize. It can be any struggle. Maybe you accidentally took something from the store and didn't take the time to return it. They didn't even notice, it wasn't a big item. You did it again one day, because you were in a hurry and they forgot to ring it up. This time it was a small 70 dollar item and you were on a tight budget, so you were actually incredibly relieved. One thing leads to another and you shoving an item in your purse that you need and the store will never even miss, becomes routine. Then of course there's the children't story on lies. One white lie. That's how they usually begin the stories. But I would say it starts before that. It starts with exaggerating, over or under. It starts with silence when you ought to speak. You do not have to lie to lead someone away from the truth. Sin always starts small. It doesn't start with theft, it doesn't start with adultery, it doesn't start with murder. It starts sooner than that. And every time it happens, decisions are made and more doors open. You choose your path, although none of them lead towards God.

There are many reasons for sinning and as I've said many times - fewer people struggle with Pride than The Church realizes. No - most people are just trying to survive. If you've grown up in the Christian Community you will quite possibly have no idea what it's like to be Separated from God. To have a Void that sucks in Everything, a Blackhole that will eventually devour your soul. It can physically Hurt like a Bitch. And if you don't know how to fill it, if you are so accustomed to it, it's just apart of you - then you do what you can to save yourself. And so people throw in Everything and Anything that will fill that hole. The Bad and even The Good. For the Root of Sin is not any specific Fuckup - it is apart of our Human Nature. Now at least. We are born with an inability to Follow God, to turn to Him, to Praise Him and Him alone. We turn elsewhere.

The Root of Sin is not Pride. It is turning away from God, whatever the Reason. Mine of course, was Fear. It is Turning to Idols to save you. And this is what people do. They Subconsciously find whatever they can that will give them fulfillment in this life. Because YOLO. And to someone who does not know God - that really does make complete sense. You Only Live Life Once. And if you do not have Hope in Eternal Life in a Perfect World, without sin - you do what you can to make this Life Worth Living. This is why most people Embrace their sin. Not one specific act, but their Root sin of Saving Themselves. They Embrace their fuckups, they Flaunt their Faults, they take Pride in what makes them Worthless. Because what other option do they have? Without the Security Jesus gives us, you would only have one other option. The route I took. If you do not Embrace you sin - you lose the ability to Live. If you hate yourself, think you are Worthless and do Not cling to the idea that you can save yourself - then you will eventually end up Dead.

Of course - there is another way. The Way. But I did not include Him as an option for a reason. Because He's not one. And I'm not talking about Predestination, although there is that too. I realized recently that while for over a decade I needed God - I was not a position where I had access to Him. Yes - there are many churches out there and many Christians - and I did not Trust them. I Feared them. And with Valid Reasons. I tried several times to find answers in a church. Instead I was Mentally Beaten until I fled, vowing never to return. But every so often I tried again. It took a loooong time for God to create an opportunity where He reintroduced me to Christians that didn't drive me away. A wonderful group of people who helped me reevaluate my view of God. I often say Christians drive more people away from the Cross than draw people to it, because in my own Experiences and within the circles I frequented in the World - that is the consensus. You have to be a Brave Individual indeed to enter a Church alone. Many of my friends simply laugh and say "I'd rather burn in hell." And so Church is only an option for the Foolhardy.

I say these things tonight, not out of anger for once, but because if you really want to Help. If you really want to lead people to the Cross, to the answers they SEEK. Start by realizing they aren't necessarily operating out of a state of Pride. People operate out of Survival. That is what I'm trying to convey. You will not be able to help someone by attacking how they've learned to stay alive in this life. Do not take away their coping methods for the sin of this world and in their hearts before Giving them the only way to Fill the Void that is slowly, or quickly, killing them from the inside-out. If you go around ripping off the homemade bandages people are using to staunch their wounds when they still aren't ready to accept the healing powers of Christ - then you are doing Far more Harm then Good.

So many in this Society truly want to make a difference and many more just want to find a modicum of happiness. Every individual is unique and God will reveal Himself to them Individually. In the end - it's not about saving people. God has already done that and His Chosen will not be able to escape Him, even when you run away hella hard. He's the Knight in Shining Armor you just can't shake. We're all Damsels in Distress, and we each will accept that in our own way and in our own time. Sharing the Gospel - it's not about saving someone's soul. That's been Done already. It's about encouraging another to Follow God, in this Life. It's about Community and Fellowship. It's about helping others Live for Christ and find Rest in a World Full of Pain.

Salvation already came to Earth, and it's up to us to Spread that Good news. It's up to us to make more Christians, not saving them from hell - but that we may Bring Glory to God with our Praise together. And it's kinda hard to Bring Glory to God when you don't know much about Him. It's even harder when you are separated from Him. As Christians we are extolled to Spread the Word. But it seems less arduous and scary when you realize that the Saving has already been done. At this point - were just like, I dunno - bringing people together so our Pilgrim's Progress isn't so lonely. So that it's not as hard. The Pilgrim's on the Road before us can warn us about that deceptively "relaxing" field that will actually knock you out cold. There are many other problems that are insurmountable without teamwork. God is SO Big on Fellowship, on Community. Jesus is the Cornerstone and He supports us all. Because of Him the Church is formed by every brick, every individual, being cemented tightly together until we have become a Strong and Impenetrable Safe Haven.

The Church, Christians are not to go out and save the World. That's not our Responsibility, or even Possible. We are to go out and show the World Truth. We are to show them the Word. We are to show them Love. Because we are meant to go out and show the World GOD. The bricks have all been selected, but that doesn't mean they have all been laid or cemented together. This is what evangelism needs to be. We need to be focused on what we can do, not what is out of our powers as sinful individuals. So Encourage any and all, as you do not know who those Chosen are. Eventually God will lead each one to be cemented into The Church. Quite possibly He will use you to guide them, whether you even know it or not. He has done that many times through strangers with me. So watch your words and your actions. Ask yourself WWJD? Remember that you are not judge, juror and executor. You are to be one who Encourages. We are to encourage each other to Follow God and NO other. That is a task that belongs to any who call themselves a Christian.

I say all this, not just for any who listen, but for myself. Too often I sway from one Extreme to the other. One day All is for Naught and I am Completely Hopeless, not even Worth Saving - the next day The World itself is on my shoulders and if I stumble for even a moment, All that I know and Love will END. This is me - Crazy and I know it. But I am learning. I am learning to Accept. With this acceptance comes Growth. With Growth comes Understanding. Understanding then leads to the ability to Change. To Become more Christlike takes Time and Effort. You cannot do it alone and you cannot do it all at once. But fuck me - how I wish I could. But God is with me as I work on this long Process of Sanctification, as I strive to Follow Him and become more like Christ. He is here, giving me the Strength and Wisdom I need, as well as REST.

I never realized what Life could be like with Him by my side. He was not someone who I wanted help from. He was a Being to be Feared, someone who only cared for my soul - Nothing more. He did what He wanted, regardless of how it effected me. He was like a roman soldier - training me for battle. A battle he tossed me into before I was ready. I wasn't ready for War, but I never had a choice before I started having to fight for my life. I thought God was just some Brutal and Ruthless Commander - who cared nothing when placing a child on the front lines. If I was wounded - I was to suck it up and keep moving forward. It didn't matter if the wound was mortal. Because in the world I lived in for so long - God didn't care about his soldiers - He cared about winning. And I was just fodder for the enemy.

I spent more than half my life subconsciously believing this. And it took me a couple years before I even realized that this was my view of God. It took me a couple more to change it. Now I understand. God is All-Powerful. He is Mighty and Greatly to be Feared...by the enemy. But us, His Precious Children? No - we need not fear Him. And I know this not from Blind Faith. I have too many Deeply Ingrained Fears to be Overturned Easily. And God knew this. He knew the Image I had of Him when I did not and He took Time and Patience to Change it. He Earned my Trust over several years, even when I accused Him of my Pain through tears, screams and many expletives. He simply took my abuse as He continued to show me Love.

And as I sought Truth, with a Community to help me find it - my eyes started acclimating to a new kind of Sight. It was astonishing when I first saw God's Love in a waterfall. Then a rainbow. Birdsong and a sunrise. I saw Him in Nature first, but it didn't stop there. I found Him in songs and not just Christian ones :) I saw Him in "Luck" and in "Coincidences". I started seeing God in the Little Things. And that Changed my LIFE. He wasn't some General on a Hill shouting orders who didn't care about the foot soldiers dying all around him. God was there in the midst of the battle with us. He is the one warning me of the blow from an unseen enemy. He is the one shooting me a smile and a wink when I need an energy boost. He is the one I have at my back, guarding me in the heat of the action. But More! He is the one inbetween battles. He is the one making me laugh at dinner. He is the one making sure I get enough to eat and bed to sleep in. He is the one singing me a lullaby as I fall asleep and He is the one who holds me when the nightmares come. He is the one who will have coffee ready for me on the morning before we go into battle again. He is the one who arms me for it. He is my God, my savior, and my spirit. He is the Trinity and He did not send me into Battle. No, I was conscripted at birth. But He is the one who gets me through it. He is the one who makes it Worth It.

We all know the War was won, but the battles are not over. We must keep fighting. We fight against Sin. And we are unarmed without the Word. We are helpless to the Onslaught without Christ by our side. But God will not allow that. He sent His Son to save us. And the Spirit to Continue His work within us. So here I am, following God and learning His moves. I am training to be a Warrior and I've got the Best Teacher EVER. Better than even Mister Miyagi ;) He teaches me and encourages me and connects me with his other students. And now I am no longer alone in this War. I am at the Front Lines with my friends yelling "Freeeeeeedooooooom!!!" I am a Brave Soldier for Christ. I am a Harely Quinn who has Jesus as my Puddin' and a bat for His enemies.

I am not happy about this War. There is no cause for Joy in the Suffering that is the Byproduct of Sin entering the World. But I truly do believe that you can find Joy in the midst of a battle - as long as you can find God. And He's there, right by my side. It can be hard to turn to Him for comfort and encouragement when the Battle has been Particularly Fierce. Wounded and bleeding, tired and barely able to keep your eyes open - focusing on anything isn't easy. And as humans - it is in our nature to NOT want to focus on God. To turn Away from Him. But you don't even need to do this. If you are tired, call to Him. He has better than SuperSonic hearing. He will come to you. He will hold you and give you HIS Strength. And then you can open your eyes once more and you can focus on the Reason for The Season. The Reason for Life. The Reason for Being. And more. We can find Joy, Hope, Kindness, Comfort, Security, Peace, LOVE - all this in more you can find when you focus your eyes on Him. When you call out to Him. He is there and you are His. You will be injured in these battles, but He will NEVER let you be taken by the enemy. He is a jealous God and we are His. I take Great Comfort in that. I hope you do as well.

My thoughts on this continue, but my ability to be coherent is steadily being lost as sleepiness sets in. I have no idea why I started writing anymore or half of what I said at this point, but I will Post it and maybe others can find some merit in the words I have written this eve. Gnight Friends. With my Imperfect Love and God's Unfailing, Wonderful, Glorious, Magical, AwesomeSauce Love. Oh Golly Day - I see my tiredness clearly now. Welp. I am all about Embracing my Insanity. I am a Jesus Freak and quite Proud of that. So Boom Baby and Good Night Charlie Brown!

The Perfect Storm

I am not pretty - I am dirty.

I am not sweet - I give scorn.

I am not thoughtful - I am angry.

I am not kind - I am worn.

I am broken and silent and hurting.

I laugh as I cry and I scream.

I am not an Untouched Flower.

But I am the Perfect Storm on the Sea.

I am not good.

I am not worth it.

I should never even have been born.

I am Nothing and I know it.

So - Why?

Because He Loves me.

Because He cares.

Because He sees what I cannot.

And He Rescued me Unaware.

He sees beneath the bullshit.

He sees beneath the grime.

He sees through all my disguises,

To the Pearl deep down inside.

He sees me Struggle,

He Knows my Pain,

He hears my cries for Mercy,

Even when I curse His Name.

I am not pretty - I am used.

I am not sweet - I am torn.

I am not thoughtful - I am wretched.

I am not kind - but I've been Reborn.

I am Broken and Silent and Hurting.

I Laugh as I Cry and I Scream.

I am not an UnTouched Flower,

But I am the Perfect Storm in the Sea.

I am not Good - but He is.

Because of this, I am Worth more than Rubies.

Because of this, I can Praise His Name and say;

I am Nothing without my God and Savior,

And I would like to keep it that way.

He Saved me from utter destruction,

He Saved me from my Pain,

He Saved my from more than Death,

He Gave me a Reason to Stay.

I would Die for my God, but more.

I would Live for Him as well.

I stay here not for you, nor for me,

Nor to keep myself from hell.

I stay because He told me to,

I stay because I'm free,

I stay because He wants me here,

I stay because I'm me.

I am not pretty - I am Precious.

I am not sweet - I am Forlorn.

I am not thoughtful - I am Growing.

I am not kind - I am being Formed.

I am broken and silent and hurting.

I laugh as I cry and I scream.

I am not an Untouched Flower.

But I am the Perfect Storm on the Sea.

I am not pretty - I am Beloved.

I am not sweet - I am More.

I am not thoughtful - I'm Crazy.

I am not kind - I am the Perfect Storm.

I am His Perfect Storm.

*<3*

Thank You my Lord

REST

So a friend of mine posted a quote by J. Douma yesterday and I liked it quite a bit, to the point where I looked it up. It was in a book entitled "An Introduction to Biblical Ethics" which makes sense as this guy is a youth pastor and all that jazz. Anyhoot. I came across an even more thought provoking idea that had me quite Excited honestly. The author of this book, David Jones - was taking the time to go though each of the Ten Commandments, bringing forth a variety of ideas I had not heard before and I got quite consumed in interest. And I got to the Fourth Commandment. Now - I could not have even told you which this was. Indeed - I had to go back and look as I had scanned over it too fast. Just fyi, er rather fmi, it's the commandment to keep the Sabbath Day Holy. And here's where my interest spiked...

"Interestingly, the primary meaning of the term Sabbath is not 'seven' but 'rest.' The term is derived from the Hebrew verb shabath which means 'to rest or to cease from labor.' Because God rested on the seventh day of creation, the word Sabbath in Hebrew came to be used for the number seven. The fourth commandment specifies that this Sabbath rest was to be observed every seventh day. In the Old Testament the concept of Sabbath-keeping, or regular resting in order to worship, was deeply entrenched in the life of God's people."

Dude y'all! Do you see how Big of a Deal this is? The application found in here that is not subconsciously realized by SO Many?! The idea that REST is not to be once a week - but Sunday is actually the Ultimate Day to Rest. The Big Celebration of Rest if you will. Y'all - they even did this Every Seven Years! Yeah - it was called the Sabbath Year. And every seven cycles of this Sabbath Year - Guess what that was called? Um - the Jubilation Year, yo! Totally mind-blowing. Heard that term Many times, never knew it was like the Ultimate Party, Celebrating REST.

I'm reading this and my mind keep ramping. Why? Because a sin that has been passed down from generation to generation, even since World War II at least - is that idea that Idleness is of the Devil. That you are not Honoring God unless you are Productive. And of course, this is another one of those Lines in Life. You can sin by taking either the Extremes. Laziness and Sloth are not Pleasing to God or anyone. But did you ever consider that it is actually a SIN to not let yourself BREATHE? Oh - I sure as hell didn't. And this is the reason it's Revolutionary to me.

I Know for a Fact I'm not the only one who feels Massive Guilt when taking time for myself. When I'm being "selfish" by taking a nap instead of doing the dishes, or reading instead of the dozens of errands that "should" have been done that day. Do I really need to waste water by taking a bath that's solely for Relaxation? And the Worst - sitting on the porch, not even playing with the kittens; just staring blankly into space, lazily thinking about nothing that actually matters. How could I not have guilt over that?! The Ultimate form of Laziness!

But NO.

It is NOT.

While I would say Every Single Person struggles with Every Single Sin, we also do it to varying degrees. Even if you tend to an extreme with one sin, humans are fickle and contradictory - you will have times where the opposite extreme is hard as well. I know I do. It's a pain in the ass. And so, while I definitely can be quite lazy at times, it's not a struggle that I am often convicted of. However - an inability to take a moment to Breathe? To REST? Yes - that is Most Definitely a Transgression of mine.

But maybe you wonder Why? Why is it a sin to Work, when the work you do is Good? Why is it a sin to Constantly be doing Good? Well - the answer is within that question. You are not GOD. We are human, filled with sin, Imperfect and Broken Individuals - All of us. You simply cannot Follow God up or Down the Cliff's of Insanity without Tiring. How many times have I said our Pilgrim's Progress will not be easy? Not just mine - but Every One of God's Children. Yeah - it SUCKS, but it's TRUE. We are to Follow God, no matter how Treacherous, no matter how Difficult. And we are to REST as well.

And maybe you're thinking, but my work - it's not Treacherous or Difficult. It fills me with such Joy, how could I possibly tire? Ok. Seriously? Yeah - you're Life's work may be Joyful, but that doesn't go hand-in-hand with a ceaseless abundance of energy. There is NO Direct Correlation between joy and energy. I've actually found quite the opposite. I get a bit narcoleptic-like for a variety of reasons. One of which is when my emotions peak - Particularly, Joy. I do. I conk for like 15 minutes, like my mind is a compute that was overloaded and needs to be restarted, which is essentially what is happening. So maybe you're currently Following God through a Sea of Tranquility. That STILL does not negate His Commandment to REST.

And I've thought about this further as it is a subject often broached in my therapy sessions. It is well-known that I don't give myself a Break of any kind. While my outward appearances often look unproductive - my mind is Rarely still and Constantly Trying to Work. Indeed, it is working now to Understand that it's Allowed to just - Stop. Not sure if this will help yet or not, but one can Hope. I've learned to let my body rest, but my mind does not listen to me. It's rather like a cat, it will do what I want, when it wants to, and Certainly Not if I try to command it. Yeah - I love cats, but I do not wish for one that controls my thinking.

So this Rest - it's to give yourself a Chance to clear your thoughts, to Breathe. You are to Rest, in Order to Worship. I mean, what would happen if you went 48 hours without sleep? Perhaps you wouldn't be hallucinating, but try going 72 hours. Ok, up that. Go a week without sleep and see how "Productive" you actually are. Same with Spiritual Rest. God gave us a Basic Principle to Live by. While a Basic Principle for Sleep is 8 hours a night; God is saying you need a Spiritual Rest of 24 hours - once a week, declared as Sunday. Without at least this much - you will start to go bonkers after a while.

But what does Spiritual Rest look like? That, my dear - is not in a formula, or even a Blog Post. It will be different for every individual. I will tell you - I often call mine a Date. A Date with God, my BigMan. It's times where I follow Him out and about, never really knowing where I'll end up or why - but when I get there - I cannot even Describe the Beauty I have found. I have sat on the edge of a private pond late at night, the moon high in the sky, the stars brightly reflecting on the dark surface of the water, as the sounds of birds, fish, frogs and chickadees sang to the Heavens - culminating in a solo performance by a shooting star. I returned to Home that night with a Heart full of Wonder and Excited with what God had in store for me.

Because that is what Rest is all about. There are many reasons to lack a Passion for Christ, but one of those reasons can certainly be if you're not taking time to Rest. And maybe you're not the kind who likes to cozy up on a bed of moss beneath a tree. There are other ways to Rest. You can go to the movies, the library, the mall even. You can be by yourself or with friends. Like I said, there is no formula for Rest; which can make it difficult to know how to do so. I suggest this - Follow God and Experiment. If you come away with, what we called at camp as a "Jesus High" - that's an Excellent Indication you found one of the variety of ways you can Spiritually Rest.

Of course, they can be fickle. What can be Rest one day, will not necessarily be the next. Best to keep experimenting. And Sunday, being the Ultimate Day to Rest is the Best Day to Experiment. Find what helps to Renew your Passion for Christ and then Regularly Practice this, throughout the week. And then on God's Day - Go all out. Rest your Ass Clean Off!  Do not let yourself Spiritually Tire. Once a week - you must renew. And while you Must Follow God and Honor Him with how you Rest. Don't for a second believe you must do it the way Everyone else does it. No - I don't always go to the service and regularly miss Sunday School. Because Sunday is God's Day, not The Church's. You are Not to Follow your family, or friends, or even your pastor - you are to Follow GOD. And while they may be one and the same, not always are they. Remember that. It's Important.

And with that, my mind is Spent. Perhaps I, myself will Practice Resting today. The weathermen have rumored it to be a rather Beautiful Day - perhaps I'll go for a workout. Yes - that is often one of my forms of Rest. How could it not be with the Beautiful Greenways and Art practically littered about Cary? It's Marvelous! Have a Good Day my Friends. Indeed - Have a God Day.