A Complete and Utter Ramble

Thought of the Moment:

If you do not have a Knight in Shining Armor willing to take the Fall for all your Fuckups, for all the sin in your Heart - you only really have two options. You can Embrace your sin - accept it, encourage it, even flaunt it. Or you start to hate yourself and quickly lose the will to live. From my Experiences: You will find mental facilities filled with the latter, while many people stuck in the service industry can be found in the former.

There are many reasons to "love your sin", but often it is simply a survival tool. If you have a struggle you cannot overcome, a thorn in the flesh - but no way to remove it - you can turn the Pain, into Pleasure. Maybe you are feeling lonely and there is this cutey at the bar who starts flirting with you, one thing leads to another and the night becomes wild, exciting and anything BUT lonely. And yet - the next morning you wake up, alone again, but now feeling more worthless than ever. So what do you do? Well, you can't apologize for it. You can't accept forgiveness. You can't move on. And why should you? You didn't do anything wrong. Everyone does it. It felt good. It was fun! I liked it. Anyways, it's just sex. It's not like I cheated on anyone. It's not like it effected anybody. Accept - it effected me. It effected me in several ways. On the one hand it gave me a Confidence I had lost. It raised my self-esteem and brought excitement to my life. What I didn't realize was that it was simultaneously draining me of those things.

It is not one moment that often brings a person down, it is a succession of many. It is a Slow Fade that you can often not even recognize. It can be any struggle. Maybe you accidentally took something from the store and didn't take the time to return it. They didn't even notice, it wasn't a big item. You did it again one day, because you were in a hurry and they forgot to ring it up. This time it was a small 70 dollar item and you were on a tight budget, so you were actually incredibly relieved. One thing leads to another and you shoving an item in your purse that you need and the store will never even miss, becomes routine. Then of course there's the children't story on lies. One white lie. That's how they usually begin the stories. But I would say it starts before that. It starts with exaggerating, over or under. It starts with silence when you ought to speak. You do not have to lie to lead someone away from the truth. Sin always starts small. It doesn't start with theft, it doesn't start with adultery, it doesn't start with murder. It starts sooner than that. And every time it happens, decisions are made and more doors open. You choose your path, although none of them lead towards God.

There are many reasons for sinning and as I've said many times - fewer people struggle with Pride than The Church realizes. No - most people are just trying to survive. If you've grown up in the Christian Community you will quite possibly have no idea what it's like to be Separated from God. To have a Void that sucks in Everything, a Blackhole that will eventually devour your soul. It can physically Hurt like a Bitch. And if you don't know how to fill it, if you are so accustomed to it, it's just apart of you - then you do what you can to save yourself. And so people throw in Everything and Anything that will fill that hole. The Bad and even The Good. For the Root of Sin is not any specific Fuckup - it is apart of our Human Nature. Now at least. We are born with an inability to Follow God, to turn to Him, to Praise Him and Him alone. We turn elsewhere.

The Root of Sin is not Pride. It is turning away from God, whatever the Reason. Mine of course, was Fear. It is Turning to Idols to save you. And this is what people do. They Subconsciously find whatever they can that will give them fulfillment in this life. Because YOLO. And to someone who does not know God - that really does make complete sense. You Only Live Life Once. And if you do not have Hope in Eternal Life in a Perfect World, without sin - you do what you can to make this Life Worth Living. This is why most people Embrace their sin. Not one specific act, but their Root sin of Saving Themselves. They Embrace their fuckups, they Flaunt their Faults, they take Pride in what makes them Worthless. Because what other option do they have? Without the Security Jesus gives us, you would only have one other option. The route I took. If you do not Embrace you sin - you lose the ability to Live. If you hate yourself, think you are Worthless and do Not cling to the idea that you can save yourself - then you will eventually end up Dead.

Of course - there is another way. The Way. But I did not include Him as an option for a reason. Because He's not one. And I'm not talking about Predestination, although there is that too. I realized recently that while for over a decade I needed God - I was not a position where I had access to Him. Yes - there are many churches out there and many Christians - and I did not Trust them. I Feared them. And with Valid Reasons. I tried several times to find answers in a church. Instead I was Mentally Beaten until I fled, vowing never to return. But every so often I tried again. It took a loooong time for God to create an opportunity where He reintroduced me to Christians that didn't drive me away. A wonderful group of people who helped me reevaluate my view of God. I often say Christians drive more people away from the Cross than draw people to it, because in my own Experiences and within the circles I frequented in the World - that is the consensus. You have to be a Brave Individual indeed to enter a Church alone. Many of my friends simply laugh and say "I'd rather burn in hell." And so Church is only an option for the Foolhardy.

I say these things tonight, not out of anger for once, but because if you really want to Help. If you really want to lead people to the Cross, to the answers they SEEK. Start by realizing they aren't necessarily operating out of a state of Pride. People operate out of Survival. That is what I'm trying to convey. You will not be able to help someone by attacking how they've learned to stay alive in this life. Do not take away their coping methods for the sin of this world and in their hearts before Giving them the only way to Fill the Void that is slowly, or quickly, killing them from the inside-out. If you go around ripping off the homemade bandages people are using to staunch their wounds when they still aren't ready to accept the healing powers of Christ - then you are doing Far more Harm then Good.

So many in this Society truly want to make a difference and many more just want to find a modicum of happiness. Every individual is unique and God will reveal Himself to them Individually. In the end - it's not about saving people. God has already done that and His Chosen will not be able to escape Him, even when you run away hella hard. He's the Knight in Shining Armor you just can't shake. We're all Damsels in Distress, and we each will accept that in our own way and in our own time. Sharing the Gospel - it's not about saving someone's soul. That's been Done already. It's about encouraging another to Follow God, in this Life. It's about Community and Fellowship. It's about helping others Live for Christ and find Rest in a World Full of Pain.

Salvation already came to Earth, and it's up to us to Spread that Good news. It's up to us to make more Christians, not saving them from hell - but that we may Bring Glory to God with our Praise together. And it's kinda hard to Bring Glory to God when you don't know much about Him. It's even harder when you are separated from Him. As Christians we are extolled to Spread the Word. But it seems less arduous and scary when you realize that the Saving has already been done. At this point - were just like, I dunno - bringing people together so our Pilgrim's Progress isn't so lonely. So that it's not as hard. The Pilgrim's on the Road before us can warn us about that deceptively "relaxing" field that will actually knock you out cold. There are many other problems that are insurmountable without teamwork. God is SO Big on Fellowship, on Community. Jesus is the Cornerstone and He supports us all. Because of Him the Church is formed by every brick, every individual, being cemented tightly together until we have become a Strong and Impenetrable Safe Haven.

The Church, Christians are not to go out and save the World. That's not our Responsibility, or even Possible. We are to go out and show the World Truth. We are to show them the Word. We are to show them Love. Because we are meant to go out and show the World GOD. The bricks have all been selected, but that doesn't mean they have all been laid or cemented together. This is what evangelism needs to be. We need to be focused on what we can do, not what is out of our powers as sinful individuals. So Encourage any and all, as you do not know who those Chosen are. Eventually God will lead each one to be cemented into The Church. Quite possibly He will use you to guide them, whether you even know it or not. He has done that many times through strangers with me. So watch your words and your actions. Ask yourself WWJD? Remember that you are not judge, juror and executor. You are to be one who Encourages. We are to encourage each other to Follow God and NO other. That is a task that belongs to any who call themselves a Christian.

I say all this, not just for any who listen, but for myself. Too often I sway from one Extreme to the other. One day All is for Naught and I am Completely Hopeless, not even Worth Saving - the next day The World itself is on my shoulders and if I stumble for even a moment, All that I know and Love will END. This is me - Crazy and I know it. But I am learning. I am learning to Accept. With this acceptance comes Growth. With Growth comes Understanding. Understanding then leads to the ability to Change. To Become more Christlike takes Time and Effort. You cannot do it alone and you cannot do it all at once. But fuck me - how I wish I could. But God is with me as I work on this long Process of Sanctification, as I strive to Follow Him and become more like Christ. He is here, giving me the Strength and Wisdom I need, as well as REST.

I never realized what Life could be like with Him by my side. He was not someone who I wanted help from. He was a Being to be Feared, someone who only cared for my soul - Nothing more. He did what He wanted, regardless of how it effected me. He was like a roman soldier - training me for battle. A battle he tossed me into before I was ready. I wasn't ready for War, but I never had a choice before I started having to fight for my life. I thought God was just some Brutal and Ruthless Commander - who cared nothing when placing a child on the front lines. If I was wounded - I was to suck it up and keep moving forward. It didn't matter if the wound was mortal. Because in the world I lived in for so long - God didn't care about his soldiers - He cared about winning. And I was just fodder for the enemy.

I spent more than half my life subconsciously believing this. And it took me a couple years before I even realized that this was my view of God. It took me a couple more to change it. Now I understand. God is All-Powerful. He is Mighty and Greatly to be Feared...by the enemy. But us, His Precious Children? No - we need not fear Him. And I know this not from Blind Faith. I have too many Deeply Ingrained Fears to be Overturned Easily. And God knew this. He knew the Image I had of Him when I did not and He took Time and Patience to Change it. He Earned my Trust over several years, even when I accused Him of my Pain through tears, screams and many expletives. He simply took my abuse as He continued to show me Love.

And as I sought Truth, with a Community to help me find it - my eyes started acclimating to a new kind of Sight. It was astonishing when I first saw God's Love in a waterfall. Then a rainbow. Birdsong and a sunrise. I saw Him in Nature first, but it didn't stop there. I found Him in songs and not just Christian ones :) I saw Him in "Luck" and in "Coincidences". I started seeing God in the Little Things. And that Changed my LIFE. He wasn't some General on a Hill shouting orders who didn't care about the foot soldiers dying all around him. God was there in the midst of the battle with us. He is the one warning me of the blow from an unseen enemy. He is the one shooting me a smile and a wink when I need an energy boost. He is the one I have at my back, guarding me in the heat of the action. But More! He is the one inbetween battles. He is the one making me laugh at dinner. He is the one making sure I get enough to eat and bed to sleep in. He is the one singing me a lullaby as I fall asleep and He is the one who holds me when the nightmares come. He is the one who will have coffee ready for me on the morning before we go into battle again. He is the one who arms me for it. He is my God, my savior, and my spirit. He is the Trinity and He did not send me into Battle. No, I was conscripted at birth. But He is the one who gets me through it. He is the one who makes it Worth It.

We all know the War was won, but the battles are not over. We must keep fighting. We fight against Sin. And we are unarmed without the Word. We are helpless to the Onslaught without Christ by our side. But God will not allow that. He sent His Son to save us. And the Spirit to Continue His work within us. So here I am, following God and learning His moves. I am training to be a Warrior and I've got the Best Teacher EVER. Better than even Mister Miyagi ;) He teaches me and encourages me and connects me with his other students. And now I am no longer alone in this War. I am at the Front Lines with my friends yelling "Freeeeeeedooooooom!!!" I am a Brave Soldier for Christ. I am a Harely Quinn who has Jesus as my Puddin' and a bat for His enemies.

I am not happy about this War. There is no cause for Joy in the Suffering that is the Byproduct of Sin entering the World. But I truly do believe that you can find Joy in the midst of a battle - as long as you can find God. And He's there, right by my side. It can be hard to turn to Him for comfort and encouragement when the Battle has been Particularly Fierce. Wounded and bleeding, tired and barely able to keep your eyes open - focusing on anything isn't easy. And as humans - it is in our nature to NOT want to focus on God. To turn Away from Him. But you don't even need to do this. If you are tired, call to Him. He has better than SuperSonic hearing. He will come to you. He will hold you and give you HIS Strength. And then you can open your eyes once more and you can focus on the Reason for The Season. The Reason for Life. The Reason for Being. And more. We can find Joy, Hope, Kindness, Comfort, Security, Peace, LOVE - all this in more you can find when you focus your eyes on Him. When you call out to Him. He is there and you are His. You will be injured in these battles, but He will NEVER let you be taken by the enemy. He is a jealous God and we are His. I take Great Comfort in that. I hope you do as well.

My thoughts on this continue, but my ability to be coherent is steadily being lost as sleepiness sets in. I have no idea why I started writing anymore or half of what I said at this point, but I will Post it and maybe others can find some merit in the words I have written this eve. Gnight Friends. With my Imperfect Love and God's Unfailing, Wonderful, Glorious, Magical, AwesomeSauce Love. Oh Golly Day - I see my tiredness clearly now. Welp. I am all about Embracing my Insanity. I am a Jesus Freak and quite Proud of that. So Boom Baby and Good Night Charlie Brown!