Dreams, Goals, Fantasies can be a Wonderful Tool to help you Live Life to the Fullest. God uses these to guide you. Because God cares more about your soul. We've talked about this. He cares about our Wants, our Hopes and our Dreams. And I KNOW He wants us to come to Him with these things - to ask Him for Help and Guidance to fulfill these Lifelong Desires. And as long as we realize we Must be Amenable to the Changes He will make in our Unique Bucket Lists - we will end up with more Fantasies fulfilled than we could have Ever have Even Hoped for. I know from First-hand Experience.
Of course - if you let an item on your List become an Idol -- if you say this is a MUST Have, not a WANT. Then believe you me - there's a Good Chance it will Never be Attained. Or the Consequences of Checking it off are Dire instead of Fulfilling. I know This from Experience as well. So when making a List of Dreams, when plotting out Flexible Goals for this Life - Go BIG. Just don't Demand. And so I have. Ever since I realized that God is More than a General of a Roman Army, but the Lover of my Soul - I've started asking Him for a Variety of my Deepest Desires. And while I do not share those lightly, there is one that I have begun to talk about in the past year.
I rarely discuss it because it is an Incredibly Flexible Lifelong Dream. It is not one I will attain in this year or the next or even the next. I'm sure God could do that if He wanted too - but I still have to Grow A Helluvalot to attain this Goal and a couple years of that level of Growth would hurt like a Bitch. But sharing often means people feel obligated to give me input on how this can be achieved or warnings on why it cannot be achieved. At least, not by me. And yet - God has not asked me to let go of this Fantasy of mine. He often refines my Desires for it. And as I've shared it more often then ever lately - I thought I'd share it here now.
But let me start with a Dream that is not mine, that you may understand why this Dream is SO Important to me. For I do Not dream of having my own children. I have had many people tell me this will change. That it's only not Important to me now. I realize Dreams change with time and that many people think I am simply adjusting to the fact that my "clock is ticking" now that I'm 29. But this is not a Valid Reason in my eyes. God has Never had Difficulty giving children to anybody. I realize people can struggle to have children and some are barren. And it breaks my heart when people who Desire to have children cannot. That is a Spiritual Journey that I would NEVER wish on another.
I also know of people who decided they were Done with kids. No more. We're no longer up for the Parenting Gig. They pay for hospital procedures to ensure this. And then what happens? Who doesn't know a story like that! Cracks me up. I myself have a brother who is 17 years younger than me, although he was a Miracle that we Praised God for due to the circumstances. God can give and God can take away. It's not up to us. So no, I don't want my own children. Neither am I saying, No - don't you dare give me children God. I figure I'll use your average birth-control and God will make the necessary decisions.
So why don't I want kids of my own? Because God has given me a Purpose in Life - and I LOVE it. And while I realize this may be a Purpose for just This Moment in Time, I am Hoping it will Grow. For now - I am in a Position where I can love others - However they need it. I get to be the Spontaneous Telephone call you make when you need someone to help clean your house, to move some large furniture, to sub for you in one of the ministries, to babysit, to accompany you to a shindig you don't want to attend alone, to talk to you when you are walking a dark path home by yourself and feel a little scared. I LOVE being this person. I LOVE Helping in these ways!
I don't have a set schedule, but neither is my schedule Ever Empty. Looking back on the week I am often shocked by how much has Happened. And I LOVE That! I have a large quantity of small skills that go towards my Passion to Love others as they need it. Every day I work on more skills to add to this repertoire. Recently I found out I get to help one of my treasured friends arrange her wedding bouquets and I literally cried with happiness. She was a bit stressed and it is a hobby I have joyfully worked on for kicks and giggles, never knowing I might be needed in this regard. It's the Little Things that really turn out to be Big Things.
And so that is what my weeks consist of inbetween Helping others. I Follow God and Hone a Variety of Skills for Future use that I do not even yet know. But I Trust that He does. And so a Passion of mine has become this Broad Idea of Love and Healing. Life will Break each and every one of us over time. Hopefully most will turn to God for Healing sooner than I did. And then it is more a matter of Maintenance. God is always nearby, Willing to Heal what has Broken -- Heart, Mind and Soul. And while we may be His, whether we like it or not - Healing needs more of a willingness to Reach out to Him on our parts. Or, at least not run hella hard away like I did ;)
And that's the thing. There are SO Many like me! There are SO Many who did NOT Turn to God for Healing. SO Many who run away in Fear! People who are Broken -- Hearts, Minds and Souls. This WORLD is Broken. Sin is here and Constantly Corrupting EVERYTHING! It hurts just thinking about it. And that is my passion. Brokenness. Brokenness and Healing. The Healing Power of LOVE. Of God. And that is my Deepest Lifelong Desire. The Culmination of all my Passions.
Ever since I lived in Chapel Hill I have dreamed of owning a house like the ones off of 64. Those Magnificent Old Homes with land, privacy and Beauty. Close enough to the cities to not feel cut off, and far enough to be able to Scream and nobody calls the cops. In my mind this dream is a Farm House with a Butt-load of Land, several sheds and a barn or two. But no matter what it is or where it is - it is a HOME. It is a HOME for the Broken. Whether it be People, Animals, or things -- I want it ALL.
I want a place for the Discarded. I want to take in everyone and everything. I want a Home to share with others, a Safe Haven where they can take the time to heal. I don't want to be their therapist. I want to give them opportunities. People need different forms of Love and also different ways to Cope and Heal. I want to have them ALL. That is why I want Everything Broken. I want horses, cats and dogs. I want broken furniture, electronics and cars. Gardens and Music and Laughter! I want there to be a variety of methods to turn to when the Pain hits. And I want a Safe Place, a Haven, a HOME so that people can take the time and LET the Pain hit.
I want there to be a creek and trees to climb. I want there to be a motorcycle that needs to be rebuilt. I want gardens that need tending and food that needs cooking. I want there to be a violin that begs to be played and paper that is ready to bleed with paint. I want animals that will climb in your lap to cuddle and others that need someone who has the patience and focus to earn their trust. I want all this and more.
It will take time. I realize this. I will be a very old crazy, blind lady before this Dream were ever to see fruition, if it ever does. I do not know what kind of people I would take it. Kids, women, adults with severe mental disabilities? I don't know. But I have time. Right now I am still Growing. My skills are still Developing, my Passions are as well. This one started years ago, but the image I desire has clarified since then.
And I see it, as if in a dream from a movie. It will never be a large government facility. I do not want a shitload of rules and condescending counselors treating any in my Home as I have been treated. No. I want a much smaller scale than that. Much much smaller. I want to simply take in those God leads to me. I want to follow Him in this. I'm hoping it will start with fostering children. OneDay mind you. I do not want my own children, nor do I want to adopt. My strength is Helping others. My passion is in Healing. I do not have a Passion to Raise people myself.
A friend of mine once made a very wise comment that it is foolish to have children when you don't have a passion to raise them, because a Great Deal of that Passion will fade with the Difficulties of Raising them. The less you start with, the more likely it will be that you will end up resenting Parenthood. And I wholeheartedly agree. Maybe God will Inspire a Change in my Heart. But for now, my Passion is to help the Broken and Weary - of all ages. I DO want a family, I just don't need mine to be related by blood. I have a Church Family and I want to Extend THAT one. This is Far More Important to me than ANY other Passion of mine. And that is what my Fantastical Dream is. To make a Home and a Family out of the Broken and Downtrodden.
And so - if you look at this Dream of mine through my eyes....you will see an average size farm house sitting in the glow of the sunset - not Super Big, worn and loved by age. It has a light on in one of the windows and you can see a girl twirling and dancing to a faint, but clear melody. Another window, darkened and cracked shows two glowing eyes of a predator. They blink before they disappear as a cat slinks to the ground and stalks into the shadows of rusty confines of a Ford. Tools are littered everywhere and there is a glow near the engine. A closer look will reveal a pair of bare feet, smudged with dirt and grease, tapping in time to the music from the house. Looking past the car is a child, laden with vegetables. He stops with a query for the foot-tapper before continuing up the steps to the door and calling for help. A figure opens the door and rescues the child from losing it all to a moment of lost balance. After a moment, the rescuer steps onto the porch and whistles loudly that it's time to clean up before dinner. The foot-tapper fidgets a bit longer before squirming out from under the car. The music stops and the light goes out as the dancer joins the foray. Past the house you can see a barn, silhouetted by the brilliant colors of a setting sun. Two people emerge, racing towards the house with a dog yipping between them. They laugh when the dog trips up both of them and beats them up the steps to the door. You can hear a cacophony of laughter as they all sit down, the silence of Prayer and the Different Silence that can only be a Delicious Meal. And if you take one last look around at this Dream of mine you will see the Perfection only an Imagination can Attempt to Capture. Flowers in Full Bloom, the smell of Honeysuckle strong in the air, a cow moos in the distance and a horse whinnies in response. As the sun goes down - all the house lights snuff out one by one. Soon there is only the song of the cicadas and the spark of lightning bugs. You can almost hear those whispered words...And They Lived Happily Ever After. Well that's actually me shouting them out you. Yeah. There I am. The crazy lady dressed in hottpink with a cat on her lap. I'm there Rocking on the Porch, blind as a bat but staring right at you. Yeah. Well this is My Dream and so that is what you see :p There may or may not be an old man sitting next to me dozing off over a beer. I poke him to check.
The End
P.s. Evelyn - the character from a Certainly R-rated movie, Four Brothers, was the beginning of a glimmer of Clarity I found for my Dreams.
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