A Ramble turns to ICE

I once shared a secret. A secret that is not really a secret. The secret of my Distrust. I do not Trust easily. I never have. Oh - I am willing to try. I have always started with the things that people find particularly shocking before I determine whether to move to the next level. Of course, I didn't know I did this. But someone pointed it out once. It made me think. Since then, I've thought much more. I mean, the fact that I've done many heinous things are not secrets to me. They are not things I have a hard time sharing. Do not think you have my Trust because I have shared them. Know that you were being tested if I have shared them. Most have failed that test. Frankly - it was not a good test. Nevertheless, very few were able to get past that point and so few realize what it means to have my Trust.

My Trust does not mean I share the skeletons in the closet. No, that is an average person. But I am not average. I am Crazy. In this case that means if you have earned my Trust you will know what makes me tick. You will hear stories of the things I Love most in this World. You will know what I value and why. And perhaps you know a little, perhaps I tried testing you on that level. Even more fail that Test of Trust than the First. Sharing what I love most, what I value the most, what people can use against me in anger - that is the Greatest Sign of Trust for me. There are very few in my past who I trusted with those weapons that can destroy my heart and mind, but a Great many today.

And yet - we are human. It is terrifying to Trust, to expose yourself to another. They will hurt you. Trust involves Pain when it is between to people filled with sin. I do not Trust people who will not hurt me with my own Trust. I Trust people for a variety of reasons, but the Greatest are that they know they hurt me and they make amends. I Trust people who learn from their mistakes and try not to hurt me. I Trust people who want to be Trusted with these things. Therefore - I often Trust people based mostly on the fact that they Understand that they are being Trusted and it is no little thing. They treat my Trust with care, because it is a Fragile thing indeed.

My Trust has not been around long. It was Broken too many times and I would not let God fix it. I tried to mend it myself. But not even Ducktape can piece together something like that. And so the more I was hurt, battered and broken - the less ease I had in putting it back together to try again. But no more. Now I have a Man who is Completely Trustworthy, and not even the fairy tale, movie kind. I have a Savior who has earned the Trust that He should never have lost. I don't deserve that. It still brings me to tears that He is willing to do such a thing for me. Yeah. Where are those damn tissues? Fuck. How the hell did I go through all those boxes? I never did this much crying before. Sanctification's obnoxious byproducts.

Anyways. I don't Trust. I never have. And the two groups I have trusted least are women and Christians. No, this is not going to be an convicting post. I want to understand something about myself, and the idea has already taken root and consumed me. Let me also prequel this with my personal dealings with anger. First - I get angry...A LOT. I get ALL emotions, except when I have numbed them. And I did that for a grand portion of my life. But when I feel, I feel EVERYTHING. And I feel it INTENSELY. So when I anger - I anger like a match lit close to a gas-leak. BOOM. And while you might be in the room, you may not even feel the explosion. Often, I contain it inside my own head. I do NOT like attention. Good or Bad - I cannot handle the spotlight. It comes with wanting so desperately to be normal(although I'm making fantastic headway with that struggle). But I do explode and I either find an outlet on another - or myself. Anger always needs an outlet. Every strong emotion does.

Usually I take it out on myself, but not always. The rare times I explode on another - it is a Scary, Dangerous and Horrible thing to behold. Bright, loud, catastrophic, but also quickly over. I do not stay angry. And afterwards, much like an explosion - I am spent and burnt out. And then I look around and see the damage I have wrought and I am Utterly Devastated. The Pain Never Fails to hit me after something like that. I hate myself with a vengeance that no other could possible turn towards me for even the most horrible thing I have done. And this is why I rarely explode. Why I would much rather hurt myself. Better to damage one already Broken than to break another. There are few I Trust in General, but only a handful I trust with my anger. If that. People who I know understand what is going on in my brain when that happens and are not quick to hurt me more than I am already hurting myself.

So that is my anger - I burn bright and fast and then I am Horrified with what I have done. Of course, I also have a cold anger. This is not one I often encounter within myself. Because of who I am and my shitty life experiences, if there is a way to forgive - I find it. There have been Very, Very few times I have burned so bright that I froze over. Even then, with God there is a way to thaw. But for me, when my anger lasts more than a couple of hours, I am on my way to freezing you out. There are three people in my life I have held a grudge against, a cold anger that burned as if it was hot, but without any explosion. All three are women. Only one was a non-Christian. I do not Trust Christians easily and I trust women even less.

Once upon a time all women were evil, because I lived in a world of black and white. Same with Christians. And if you've been following me you will know one of the Greatest reason my anger will ignite. I, like many, use anger as a defense. For Pain turned against another, particularly an attacker, allows you to escape it's cruelty and not feel as bad for it. Doesn't matter if the Pain was from that one person. If someone triggered a Great Deal of Hidden Pain through a small attack, lashing out at them can hide it safely away again. You can just pretend it was what they said or did that brought on such an extreme response, not what you have been hiding from yourself. There are many reasons to feel anger instead of Pain. Power. Control. Defensive Measures. Pain makes you vulnerable, anger can give you leverage.

I have been through that phase. It was not something I care to ever experience again. I know what it's like to use Anger for control, as a defense. I called her Ice Bitch. God banished her and I NEVER want to see her again. It is quite possibly the greatest reason anger terrifies me. I know I often talk about Pain, about others hurting me. But I realize I have talked very little about another aspect of that. I was hurt. You know this. I was beaten black and blue by many that I trusted. By my own church even. But I very rarely speak of what happened when they Broke me. I mean, I speak of it in a General sense. I ran away from God. But I rarely speak of how I did this. Why? I assume most of you already know and very few are comfortable with that knowledge. But perhaps it's time to put aside your comfort. People think I convict too much. It's a lose-lose situation. Let me take a moment to tell you of my faults. It does not make me uncomfortable. Although people's reactions to them do.

Very few can forgive me my history. Only God can do that. And so I rarely speak of it. But more and more lately I get the idea that I come across as preaching at people. Like I think I'm better them and without reason or cause to say what I say. When I was Broken by the Church and people I loved - I believed I deserved it. I believed that I was as Worthless as I was often treated. And at first I had hope. And over time that too was beaten out of me. And so I embraced my worthlessness. I grew to me miserably comfortable in my own shitty existence. And I not only shit on myself, but I asked others to shit on me. But there is no such thing as an innocent victim. I don't know where the movies got that idea. I also started shitting on others. I was the Ultimate Ice Bitch. You can only be hurt so long before you die or numb the Pain. But did you ever thing about what happens when you are numb? When you're heart turns to ice? My heart froze until it hardened. Then I no longer cared about myself or others. I was a wild card who was just surviving.

During those years I did whatever it took to keep the Pain locked away. I did drugs and I drank - but those never numbed my level of pain. However, they did help me to access what would. And so through the party world I found the men who would be willing to hurt me. Nothing intense or kinky. I was honestly too naive to know that kind of thing existed. I was always naive, just not innocent. But one of my favorite sayings was that "sex isn't any good if you don't come out of it with bruises and claw marks." And I had many. Oh - have I shocked you with my words? No - they don't shock me. Very little shocks me anymore. Until one day a man did. Just another man to screw. Just another man to get me through the night. Just another way to survive. But I woke up in his arms and he said something that makes me cry even now. He said "you are so sweet." To this day I will never forget that moment. The moment someone saw something I had long forgotten. Something he should Never have been able to see in me. He had already been warned away from me. He had already been told I was the workplace slut who doesn't even screw for money like the other girls. He was told I had Hepatitis and that I always go after the new guys, never caring if they had a girlfriend. Well, they got two out of three. But he still went out with me and it can only be God that gave Him the sight to see more than what was there. More than I even saw. From that day forward we were inseparable. Indeed, I can only remember one night apart after we started dating. For two and a half years we were together. He was my Best Friend. He saw in me what I had Long Forgotten and coaxed it back out a little at a time. He believed in me and I gave him my everything. Which is exactly what went wrong. This man became my savior. I gifted him my body, heart, mind and my SOUL. And yet - he was not Christ. Not only was he equipped to handle all that - but God is a jealous God and this man had become an idol to me. Eventually, he was taken away. But God is also a kind and loving God. We did not part on happy terms, but neither have I ever thought he was a bad man or cruel. He simply couldn't handle what only Christ can.

I was lost again after that. I never reverted back to the whore I was the days before this man attempted to rescue me. I respected him for what he had attempted to do too much for that. And so I did relationships instead, and then my boyfriend died. Things got messy after that. And that's my shit right there. I don't talk about it much because what's there to say? I usually just sum it up with "I'm a bad person". I have had more sex than I can remember and I was not just a victim, but a BITCH. There were men who fell for me. I wanted nothing to do with Love. I threw them to the curb like trash. There were women who were in relationships with the men I slept with, and I cared nothing for breaking them up. I wasn't eating and I was a tiny white girl who could get whichever man I wanted. There was no man I went after that I did not take. It became a game, the only thing that was of any worth to me at that time. And I was Skilled at playing it. There are very few times I lost that game and those men still hold a great deal of respect in my eyes for it.

So do not think I write convictions heedlessly. I write them because I know evil. I was it. I am not a good person. I am Broken and crying and screaming. I laugh as I cry and I bleed. I am not an untouched flower, but I am the Perfect storm on the sea. I will never be normal. How can I be? I have fucked too many. I have played too many games. I have broken too many others. I am a Bad Person. How can I be normal? How can I be normal when God fucking chose to save me? How can I not be different when I understand that God didn't chose his bride out of some fairy tale princess locked in a tower, no He chose to save the Ice Bitch reigning Devastation on so many lives. I was Maleficent, I was Every Evil Queen in Every Disney movie. I was a victim that ran away from her Pain, who ran away from God - and embraced Evil.

I am Broken.

I am Evil.

And yet - He chose me.

And I still don't understand! Particularly on nights where I remember. I remember those days where I reigned in my Broken, Worthless, Evil, seemingly beautiful body. Why do you think I hate being pretty? It reminds me of those days! I cannot convey how awful I was. I may fear emotions - but I fear the Numbness, the Icy anger Far More. And I knew it then. I was chosen and God was always trying to show me He loved me. But allowing Him to love me meant allowing myself to Feel. And the first feelings I never failed to feel when I tried to let myself - were Absolute Loathing. I Hated myself. The Hatred and Pain would wash over me like a Tsunami and then I would land in ICU. I couldn't handle it. I didn't know how.

But God is a sneaky God. I love Him for that. And so He sent me people to teach me. Unbeknownst to some of them, and definitely to me. A therapist, a Study, a Changed Church - God slowly earned my Trust and taught me how to handle the Pain through others. And then, when I started speaking to Him again - He used many more methods. And now I KNOW. I Know He loves me. I Know He cares. I Know He chose me and that I am Valuable to Him. I Know He sees me as more than even a Broken tool. He sees in me SO Much more than I, or anyone. I was "sweet" to a man I didn't even know at the time. To God - I am Irreplaceable. I am Invaluable. I am worth Far More than Rubies. I could never argue that myself. I can barely Believe it myself. But He has proven it. Over and Over again, God has told me I am Worth it. That He has made me Worthy.

I am Priceless.

I do not deserve this. I do not deserve Him. But I have Him. I was Broken. I was Evil. And I was always HIS. He will never leave me nor forsake me - no matter how hard I run or how much I try to push Him away. I will never be Grateful for my History. I hate what I did. I hate who I was. I hate what happened to me that made me that way. But there is NOTHING in this World that God cannot Transform. And the Greatest Miracle I have ever witnessed is His transformation of me. So no - I am not normal. How can I be? With the life I lived - I was jailed only once for a dui, I never got pregnant, never got an std, no diseases of any kind. I have very few physical scars for what I have done and I'm somehow also ALIVE when the doctors said there was NO Hope for at least one of my suicide attempts. Because God chose me and He wants me here. He sees that there is work to do that I can help with. I am not only loved - but He wants to use me, to bring Him Glory! Me?! A once reigning Ice Bitch?! I'm to help GOD with GOOD. Fuck me man. You know how much that can mean to a once-named-whore like me?

I know I have a hard time Trusting. I know I have a Hard time Loving in a Godly way. I learned a lot of things in my life - I can see past a fake mask like it's that of a clown. Manipulative women are my specialty as I was one. If I mark a man as safe - then he is. I can read people easily, although the reasons for why they are uncomfortable, upset, angry, etc are subject to needing more information. I have honed many skills to perfect my role as Ice Bitch, but now I find I am having to update them if you will. With God in the mix, these skills are still helpful - but they need a new twist. I am not finding fake masks to know who my enemies are, but to know who the hurting are. Manipulative women are not the competition - they need to be loved. And while I can turn to men who I mark as safe - I do not need the protection of their bed from those that are unsafe.

The evil queen may have a rapid change of heart in the movies, but that is not the Real World. Here - there be Monsters. And here - it takes time to change from a monster to a hero of any kind. It's been several years since I started the process and many relapses. But I'm Changing. I'm Growing. I'm learning how to be the Woman that God sees in me. A woman I never knew. I know here now. I see who I am and bits of who I'm meant to be. And I don't hate myself. I hate what I was. But it no longer drives me to hurt myself or scream when I remember. I just cry. I cry a lot these days. I hate crying. I am not crying now. But my head hurts.

I hate ending on a bad note. This is known. So let me find that poem I wrote in a previous blog post and end with that. A poem I am transposing as a song, hopefully. Maybe I'll work on that next. Anyways - here it is:

I am His Perfect Storm

A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

A Letter and A Prayer

Open Letters That Matter

When I was six years old, I gave my first bl*wjob.“It’s a game”, said He. “Don’t you want to play?”

It was too big, and I threw up on him.
He said I’d do better the next time.

When I was seven years old, I watched a group of fellow second graders cheer as a boy in my class tried to kiss me. He hugged me from behind, giggling all the while.
I threw sand in his eyes, and was sent to the Principal.

When I was eight years old, I had an elderly teacher ask me to stay behind in class. He carried me on his shoulders, and called me pretty.
“Teacher’s Pet!” my friends declared, the envy visible on their faces.
They ignored me at lunch that day.

When I was nine years old, an older girl on the school bus would ask me to lift my skirt up for her. She was pretty and kind, and told me that I could only be her friend if I did what she said.
I wanted to be her friend.

When I was ten years old, a relative demanded that he get a kiss on the cheek every time we met. He was large and loud, and I proceeded to hide under my bed whenever I learnt that he was visiting.
I was known as a rude child.

When I was eleven, my auto-man told me that we would only leave if I gave him a hug every day.
He smelled like cheap soap and cigarettes.

When I was twelve years old, I watched as a man on the street touched my mother’s breast as he passed us. She slapped him amidst the shouts of onlookers telling her to calm down.
She didn’t calm down.

When I was thirteen years old, I exited a restaurant only to see a man visibly masturbating as he walked towards me. As he passed, he winked lasciviously.
My friends and I shifted our gazes down, aghast.

When I was fourteen, a young man in an expensive car followed me home as I walked back from an evening class. I ignored his offer to give me a ride, and I panicked when he got out, only to buy me a box of chocolate that I refused. He parked at the end of my road, and didn’t go away for an hour.
“It turns me on to see you so scared.”

When I was fifteen, I was groped on a bus. It was with a heart full of shame that I confided in a friend, only to be met with his anger and disappointment that I had not shouted at the molester at the time when it happened. My soft protests of being afraid and alone were drowned out as he berated my inaction. To him, my passiveness and silence were the reasons why things like this continue to happen.
He did not wait for my response.

When I was sixteen, I discovered that Facebook had a section of inbox messages named ‘others’, which contained those mails received from strangers, automatically stored as spam. Curious, I opened it to find numerous messages from men I had never seen before. I was propositioned, called sexy, asked for nudes, and insulted.
Delete message.

When I was seventeen, I called for help as a drunken man tried to sexually harass me in a crowded street.
The people around me seemed to walk by quicker.

At eighteen, I was told that sexism doesn’t exist in modern society.
I was told that harassment couldn’t be as bad as us women make it out to be.
That I should watch what I wear.
Never mind you were six, never mind you were wearing pink pajamas.
That I should be louder.
But not too loud, a lady must be polite.
That I should always ask for help.
But stop overreacting, there’s a difference.
That I should stay in at night, because it isn’t safe.
You can’t get harassed in broad daylight.
That I should always travel with no less than two boys with me.
You need to be protected.

That it can’t be that hard to be a girl.

I am now nineteen years old.
I am now tired.

By Anonymous
Artwork by Mayka

Eloquent, Heartbreaking and for those many who are Blind to the World - Very, very Common. This does not shock me - I have heard this life story from hundreds of women, all with their own unique, sickening twists. I also have my own horror stories. Very few women have the luxury of fearlessness in the day-to-day. I am working on giving my fears to God - but that doesn't mean I am safe. It just means that when I get hurt - He has promised to Heal me.

God doesn't promise our hearts, mind and bodies won't Break in following Him. In fact - He warns us that they will. But He does promise to make us anew every morning. Every Moment of Every Day God is putting together the pieces that have been Broken. He is making us into the Most Beautiful Masterpieces - the likes I cannot even Imagine. And although my heart is still broken, my mind is still shattered - and people are constantly stomping on the pieces - or I am throwing them across the room in Rage. He is God. He owns my very Soul and Guards it with His Life. Sacrificed His Son's Life to Save it.

He's basically Santy Clause on Heavenly Steroids. Despite how much work there is to do to in a limited amount of time, He is easily able to keep up. And He ends up being Ahead of Schedule too! I swear I would NOT have believed you last year if you described who I am today. And so - Life becomes a Cha-Cha: I'm dancing across the Ballroom - Two steps Forward and One step Back. Slowly, but surely - I will make it through this Life.

I don't ask God for much. And I Certainly do NOT ask Him for something as Naive as General Safety. My Number One Prayer Request is that He reminds me why this Life is Worth It. I ask Him to Prove to me why I should care when it's Rough. And He does. Every Time. He doesn't have to - but He does :') And that is Enough. You can go through Anything when He answers a Prayer like that. Thank You my Lord.

Thank You for Your Faithfulness to a Scared, Weak, Rebellious girl - who, like so many others - is often Tired. Tired of this Game called Life. You give me the Strength to not only Survive it - but to even begin to Enjoy it. I never asked for that. Never expected that to even be attainable. But you saw not only what I needed - but also what I wanted.

Now I cannot Imagine how anyone who has You as their Savior - could possibly want anyone but You to be in control of their life! How do we - How do I - so often forget that you have me covered?! Don't let me forget Lord. Even if it hurts - don't let me forget why I need You. Why I love You. Don't let me run away EVER Again. Don't let me even want to! I beg You Lord, let me Live for You and Only You, all the Days of this Life.

Amen

<3 Not the End of a Prayer - simply a Pause between Prayers <3

Fear

I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.

Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.

Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.

I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.

When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.

Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.

I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.

You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!

You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.

But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.

So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.

When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.

And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.

And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.

But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.

I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.

No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.

But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.

There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.

Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.

One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.

With all my Imperfect Love

I am a Coward

I am a Coward. It's simple. I will do Anything and Everything to avoid Mental Pain. One of my Alltime Fvorite tv shows emphasizes a typical societal view on Emotional Pain versus Physical Pain...

Yes - I think this is Hilarious. It's also very, Very Wrong.

I am a coward, but if the definition of a coward was determined by a Stoic, I would be a BEAST. I am simply not afraid of Physical Pain. The idea of being shot doesn't scare me. If we were in Roman times I would make an Amazing soldier. If you looked at the things I've done...

I've gone down black diamonds in Colorado and laughed when I crashed - Hard. I'm an adrenaline junkie and if there's a challenge to be had in that arena - I have Never said No. From cliff-jumping to playing chicken in a car -- I've done it all. I could give two shits about my body. Not when it's such an easy pawn to use in retaining my sanity. In keeping the Emotional Pain at Bay. Tattoos and Piercings were used this way. Men were as well. Even a taser once.

Oh - you don't want to hear this? Boohoo - I'm not in the mood to hear your bullshit. Not if you laughed at that video and sure as Fuck not if you agreed with it. You obviously need to hear the realities of Emotional Pain because I'm sick and tired of people treating us like weaklings. I'm a Coward for Emotional Pain, the kind that you Could Not FATHOM.

You think you can empathize? Ok - Empathize.

Imagine what it's like to have a Pain SO Intense that you decide to end your life because you can't handle it. Oh - believe me, I know you've heard this before and it hasn't sunk in. So I'll make it more real for you.

There are men and women in this world who have Pain that goes so deep that they just quit Life. I remember the first time Clearly. I left work. I went home and popped pill after pill until my bath was cold - guzzling cough medicine on the side as I ate chips for the horrendous taste. When that didn't seem to be working - I got in my ugliest pairs of sweats, covered my seat with a towel to prevent a mess and calmly took a serrated knife to my arms for over half an hour, slicing them dozens upon dozens of times -  trying to get deep enough to hit a vein. It wasn't hard. I never cried out. I only let a couple tears fall when I saw that it wasn't working. They wouldn't bleed, not how I wanted them too. I remember despairing and trying harder and harder. I put a great deal of physical strength into my last attempt. It was the only one that needed stitches - about an inch deep and when the blood barely welled - that is when I let a couple tears fall as I realized that I couldn't even kill myself correctly. I had fucked up again. And the Pain from that was the only thing I felt - the only Pain I remember with a clarity that Hurts even now. I do not remember any physical pain whatsoever.

I remember Emotional Pain, physical pain does not even register as a blip in my memories. I remember Hurting SO Bad, my thoughts going at the rate of a tornado - spiraling up so High and Dangerous. It was terrifying and I am a Coward. So I walked to Cary Parkway. I waited. I saw lights from a car racing down the street at the late hour. I waited. And then I ran and stopped. I watched the car as it hit me. I braced myself for impact. I admit I was scared enough at the last minute that I twisted my body away from the car and it only hit my left side. My head hit the windshield. I fell to the ground and I remember despair that I wasn't hurt at all. I wanted it to knock me out. I wanted to stop Feeling, emotionally. And not even the physical pain from this even could stop the Emotional Pain from torturing me. All I wanted was for it to all stop. But banging your head against a brick or shower wall is only enough to ease the Pain for a little bit - it won't stop your thoughts. They just keep going and going and going...

Think about what I have said. Think about your reaction to that video clip. I find it humorous in a deprecating sort of way. Why do you? Do you think Physical Pain hurts more than Emotional Pain? Because honestly - I find sin in my life for thinking men are pussies with not only Emotional Pain, but physical pain as well. Last year - if you were to give me a gun and dare me to shoot myself in the foot - I could and probably would, depending on the stakes. I can brand myself, although I've only worked with boiling water for that type of physical pain. Physical Pain is NOTHING compared to Emotional Pain. The fact that you think that - just tells me you've never experienced this kind of PAIN. And I lose respect for you honestly. When I cry out because a piece of furniture drops on my foot or glass breaks and cuts me - are you really so oblivious to think I'm crying out from physical pain? Fool. I am crying out because I didn't catch it - because I failed.

Fuck.

I am disappointed in each and every one of you who still holds this fucked up view of life. I am double disappointed with anybody unwilling to try to empathize. Today I'm just Done. I'm tired of Idiots and Fools. I'm tired of confrontations and conflict. I'm tired of a year of growing and people still not understanding exactly where I was that wanting to LIVE, that dealing with the PAIN is a BIG Fucking Deal. I spent an entire Decade handling the Pain with physical pain, among other poor coping methods. Today I'm proud to say that I am FAR from where I was. I'm following God and I'm working my ASS OFF to Live like Jesus. And I am doing hella GOoD.

I don't have time for people who are unwilling to go through hard shit to follow God too. I sure as fuck did and still do. At least for today - I refuse to deal with y'all's shit. You are a modern day bully and the kind that is really just the Ultimate Pussy.

I admit I was a Coward and often still am. I ran away from the Pain and from God for a decade plus. But I am no longer running. I am turning to face it head on. Not only that - but I'm going Braveheart style on this Bitch. With God at my side - I know I will fucking have my Freedom. Not in this life - but the Next.

#LoveWhatMatters #FollowGod #GrowUp #DrinkMoreMilk

Let Go

I'm Intense. It's Well-known. I struggle with wanting to Live in this Fallen World. I often want God to bring me Home. This is not just me. I am not Unique. Nor am I normal. Throughout the world there are people who struggle as I do. Every person who has gotten deep with me has acknowledged they went through a point where they just didn't want to exist. Some of us have that point Every Day. We struggle with Pain - Every Day. We struggle in different ways. Not everyone is fearless of Death as I am, but that doesn't mean they Want to live. They just fear death a bit more than they fear life.

Now I ask you. What makes you so special? Why do you think you get to be different? Or maybe you think you deserve more cause you've earned it? You Fool. Nobody asks for Pain. They deal with it the best they know how and sadly it often just makes it worse. So what makes you think you deserve a Stress-Free Life? You don't think you deserve it? Good answer. Because you don't. You aren't even Hashtag "Blessed" with it. It does you Far More harm then you know.

So stop trying to avoid it. Stop trying to run away from situations that upset you. Stop avoiding the people that hurt you. You are to guard your heart against Evil - NOT Life. You do that and You. Are. A. FOOL. Wake up. Grow Up. Open you EYES and SEE. I'm tired of your spiritual immaturity. You don't deserve special treatment. Nobody does. Eventually it's time to acknowledge the fact that Life is Hard and it's going to get Harder.

So Own that Shit. Don't turn inward for answers. Turn to the One Who Knows ALL. Let Go and Let God. Lose Control. You'd be shocked with how freeing that can be. I know I am every day. We all want to control our lives or some aspect of it. We want power, not only over our destinies -- but over who we are and who we are to become. We want control over where we live, what we do, who we love. That's not ours to control. We don't get a say. Talk to God about what we want - Yes. I do Every Day. But acknowledge the fact that it's not up to you. It's not up to me. And when you finally Let Go of what You think you want - think you Deserve - you will get what you Truly Need. What God wants you to have.

It's hard to do. Like Hella Hard - I won't deny it. But Letting Go of what we want -- whether it be control, safety, security, contentment or even happiness -- You will Gain SO Much More. You will be Forever Blessed and in a way - you will have any and all of those idols. God wants us to be happy. He even understands our need for a Choice aka. Control. It's when those things become an idol that they wreck havoc on your life. Let it Go. Lose Control. Scream, Yell, Rant, Cry - Do something Stupid. Although - be prepared for the consequences. And then watch how God uses the idiot thing you did and makes it into something Beautiful. Watch and SEE that the Lord is Good and that He will Always Catch you when you fall.

I acknowledge that this is not necessarily the best way to break from an idol, but it is effective. And honestly, if you think you can wean yourself off of an idol like Happiness, Control or Contentment - you're fooling yourself Hardcore. Naw - those idols are Intense and they need Extremes to Break them. So here's some homework for you. If you find you struggle with NEEDING to be Happy, to not show that you are in Pain -- Let yourself Sob. For those who have mastered that - post a picture of your tears -- that shit aint easy to do. Believe you me. If you NEED to be Content or StressFree -- Put yourself in an Awkward situation. Go somewhere that make you uncomfortable. Take yourself outside your comfort zone while following God and see where He leads you. A piece of advice for that one - He won't show you where He's going until you're past ready to turn around and go back to your Comfort Zone. And if you NEED Control. Allow yourself to Lose It. I obviously wouldn't suggest in an illegal or harmful way. Take a baseball bat to a fence. Break a Dish. Be Passionate even if it means Cursing at God or kissing your crush. Go against your grain and Let Go.

Let Go and Let God. We say that but we don't apply it to our lives. I know I don't. I try and often Fail Miserably. But each time - I learn a little more. Each time I understand God a little better. It's seems a funny way to follow God - but Sanctification is just a fancy term for doing just this. I suggest you try it. Most people don't have a choice. Perhaps you do. So Choose Discomfort. Choose Stress. Choose God. Even if it means Dancing in the Rain like an Idiot while people watch from their apartments above. I wouldn't have done that before. I would have wanted to - but I never would have allowed myself to Let Go like that. Maybe a head bob, a little swagger in my step, but not a full out DanceFest in Public by myself. And I did. And it was SO Totally Worth It. Not every time you Let Go and seek Discomfort will there be consequences or the fears you anticipate. The majority of the time - Yes. But it's Worth It Overall. I Promise. He Promised. So don't trust my word. Trust His WORD.

And with all my Imperfect Love - I bid you adieu for today. Imma go take myself on an uncomfortable run where I will probably have a panic attack at least once...but I'll gain SO Much More <3

I'm Sorry. But Why?

I will not edit what I wrote earlier, but I will say it wasn't easy. Letting people see a part of me that I show to very few and typically am given reasons to regret it later - it's not as easy as many of you seem to think it is. I am not an attention whore, despite what many have let me know through their words and actions that they think. I've learned to hide my pain. I've actually learned to hide every emotion. That is part of my mask. A necessary mask in this day and age that is So Real looking and can hide every emotion easily with little knowledge from those I wish to hide them from. I can blend into my surroundings no matter how I feel. I can hide happy as easily as sad and I often do. I hide every emotion. Emotions show vulnerabilities that expose me too much to a world full of people I don't trust. People I don't have reason to trust. People I have EVERY reason to Mistrust.

God is insisting I keep trying, even if it means exposing myself to more Pain. I've given you a weapon with this post. I give you all ammunition to hurt me each and every time I trust you with my vulnerabilities. That's why people wear masks. To protect themselves. I'm learning to take mine off, but it's not easy and I ask that you not take it for granted. If you see me -or have seen my emotions- happy or sad, angry or anything really, at any level -- it's because I'm trying SO Hard -or tried- to trust you. The struggle many see is not me trying to suppress the tears or laughter - but trying to allow them at all. And I've never known a person who didn't use this against me several times - if not too many to count. I understand why and I forgive them even when they don't know what they have done. But it's not ok and I've never allowed myself to say that. It's not ok to hurt people like this. Don't give me more reasons to think Trust is a bad idea when I already have a lifetime full of reasons to turn me away from The Church and everyone in it. I love you guys. But I'm Done with it being ok. It's not. Grow Up and learn to LOVE as God does.

This goes out to every Christian of all generations. You are driving men and women away from the Cross, away from Jesus with your airs of superiority and judgmental attitudes. You drove me away. God dragged me back. I thank Him every day for that. I thank Him every day for each of you. But none of us our perfect. And I see your strengths - they are many and are Beautiful to behold. But I also see your weaknesses almost as clearly as my own and it sickens me. My own sins drive me to my knees begging for forgiveness, literally. Do yours? If they don't - then this little rant is meant for you. This speech is not designed for my friends and family, nor my personal church. Although, many I know struggle with certain aspects of this along with the rest of the world. But this monologue is not a petty rant because someone hurt me. Not - this is an ongoing sin I see in The Church today. You have become modern pharisees and I am DONE with it being Ok.

Jesus Loves us - this I Know. But there's No Way He would join The Church in what it has become. There's no way He would promote the Hate that it promotes. And if you don't acknowledge that this is happening, then you are blinded to your own sins and unable to see the Pain that is all around you. The people begging for help and unable to find it in those uncomfortable pews, surrounded by hundreds of judgmental eyes. I will proudly call myself a "Bad Christian" because at least I'm not lying to myself. I am Broken and it is through this weakness that God is brought Glory. My weaknesses give me strength. For in them - I find Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9&10

If you seek Him, you will find Him. But I personally doubt He's gonna be in the pews at any church in this country.

~~~

I was sitting on my couch, attempting to read while the kittens were being hooligans all over the place and I got a life-changing email. It was from a friend inviting me to participate in an event they know I enjoy very much. The thing is, with life lately, I know I'm rarely enjoyable to be around. I expect people to simply do things without me when they cannot handle my level of intensity because that's how people work. So this invitation shocked me to my core. My emotions skyrocketed to feel a joy that had me sobbing for like 10 seconds. I didn't even know that was a thing - sobbing with joy. I mean, you hear it sappy books, but I thought it was just an expression. Silly me. I thanked them, did my happy dance and then cranked my music and tried to let myself enjoy this intense feeling of joy. But I'm still broken and it didn't last long. My core value is that I am Worthless. That is who I believe I am, deep down inside, subconsciously. Everyone has a root belief of who they are and it's doubtful you will know your own without some serious therapy. I didn't know till this year that -Worthless- was mine. And it is. I've been working SO Hard to change it. I know that it needs to be Beloved. For that is who I am - the Beloved child of God. But that is easier said than done. Every genuine compliment I receive and allow myself to believe, helps this. It's also incredibly difficult and painful to hear them. They shake my core value - the very foundation of who I am. Changing the core belief of who you is Incredibly tricky without bringing the whole house down. With God's help - I am doing so. Days like today - I worry that it will all come tumbling down. I stood at that sink and my joy turned to Pain as all I could think was "Why? Why would they do this for me? I'm not worth it." Those words themselves were a step in the right direction. At least I labeled the problem right away for once. I immediately turned off my phone and then asked two girlfirends for prayer as I closed my door and retreated to struggle with the idea of my value. Even now - I'm on the couch, knowing I'll get through this moment, however long it lasts - but begging for it to be over and done with now. I'm not worth it is a broken record inside my head and it feeds the Pain. I want it to stop. Please. Please make it stop. I'm struggling to remember it won't go on forever. It's hard to do this. But I remember the beginning of this writing - although I'm too far gone to be able to focus enough to see the words - that this will be a life-changing day. Every time I get through Pain like this - I grow. That fancy word sanctification. I'm guessing that if I get through this moment inside of time, where all my trillions of thoughts are focused on the pain and not any of the Good. Where only writing this is helping me remember the Big Picture so I don't start silently screaming. If I can get through this - I will be making a giant leap forward in changing the core belief of who I am. I am worth it. I just don't know that yet. One Day I will Believe...If I can survive this learning and growing process. One Day maybe it won't hurt this bad. There are many One Days and I have Eternity to enjoy them all. I need to remember that. I need to remember #OneDay. But right now - I think Imma go scream. It hurts too much. I'm so sorry. It's Worth It. I promise. It's Good for me too - I swear. It's just. It's Hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not normal or average. I'm sorry I can't even pretend to be and function. I love you guys.

~~~

I'm Sorry because my Core Identity tells me I'm Worthless. I'm sorry because I was taught by society, particularly within The Church, that I need to be. Many have the misconception that I have guilt and shame from my rather terrifying past. That the pain comes from my history. And by that they mean my party days. There is some truth to this. I have spent a decade feeding my core-identity with reasons to feel more worthless. For, even if I'm miserable, the house does not fall and my sanity remains intact. It is easy to hate myself and it is comfortable to do so. It is absolutely terrifying to believe anything else. I have had more one-night stands than I can count along with a couple threesomes. I've tried drinking, smoking and other substances. I have many tattoos and had a hella lot more piercings at various points in my life. And yet, with all my experience - I would be more comfortable giving you the details of my experimentation with girls than telling you I cried while watching Flicka. I would rather flick you off than let you see the joy that comes when I see a rainbow or feel the rain on my face. Why is this you wonder?

Because the Root of my Worthlessness did not begin with my first drink. It did not begin when I lost my virginity. It began way before that. And the things that shame me most - are the very strengths God gave me. I hate that I Care. I hate that I Feel. I even tend to hate that I Love. I have hated these things about myself SO Much. Why is that? When they are the Greatest Strengths God has bequeathed me. I know why. Perhaps you should ask God if the answer eludes you. And if you are like me in this, which many are, perhaps you should ask yourself why you hate your own God-given talents.

But don't ask if you aren't prepared for a very difficult answer. However - it is worth it - no matter how much I scream. I will always believe it's worth it. Especially on days like today when He reminds me, yet again, why I can trust Him. When He reminds me He loves me and that He will never leave me. He will never abandon me and He is always next to me getting me through the agony that comes with the assault of my emotions and the memories associated with them.

Thank You my LORD. There is NONE like YOU.

<3

Agápē

You know how some people say they're filled with so much happiness they could burst? I have that too, but it's not happiness. It's not even joy or contentment. For over a decade there was a hole in the pit of my stomach. I'm sure you've heard the cliche, but I'm not using it right now. It is just the best way to describe how it felt. A blackhole that sucked everything that was Good, everything that was God, everything that made me - me ~ a #Void that was So Big and Empty I couldn't even begin to fill it in, although I tried. I got used to it's presence, but it never got easier. If anything, every day it sucked more and more Life out of me. I was almost all gone last year. Depleted and in So Much Pain, I couldn't remember what it was like to feel Whole. Like Back to the Future - I was vanishing, but from the inside out. There was So Little of me left last February. The Void was So Big, so very #Empty. #Hope had long since dissipated into its depths, as well as anything I once believed. Everything I knew was a lie. Nothing remained but #Despair. I often wonder if it's my stubbornness that brought this on, my inability to blindly believe. And yet, I don't believe it truly matters, because it is also my stubbornness and my constant seeking of the Truth that has me the person I am now. I'm not content with blind faith. I question God. I question Everything. I think So Much it HURTS. I pepper my Lord with questions and insolence every moment of every day and He Loves it in ways. Because He knows I trust Him, even when I don't get an answer now. Even if I'm unsatisfied with the answer - I #Trust Him. I'll complain and argue with Him about anything and everything, but I will follow Him as I do. Through anything - I will follow my #God. He didn't have to - but He proved Himself to me, over and over again. I doubted Him, I distrusted Him, I scorned and mocked Him. What's worse - I blamed Him for my pain. Still do often actually. We're still working on that one. I never demanded He prove Himself. No - I BEGGED Him to. And He did. My faith really was like a #MustardSeed. So small and pathetic at first. But with time and patience - it has grown. And today - I can tell you that my void is Gone. It has been for quite some time. Not only that - but I am often So Full and Overflowing -not with any emotion- but with #LOVE. Love In it's raw, unadulterated and Holy form. And I'm not talking about that overused, misunderstood and incredibly mistreated term of endearment. I'm talking about #Agape. For Ever and For Always - my God, You will Be. Thank You Yaweh - from now until Eternity - I know you will never let me go <3

A Ramble on Beauty

For those women who #Jiggle like normal human beings tend to do. No one's body is perfect. I have more stretch marks than the average mom with 2-3 kids due to my inconsistent, rapid weight gain and loss through the years. I like to think of the ones on my belly as pretty though. When they first came, they were bright red streaks that looked like a fire tattoo racing up my body. I called it my fire belly. Now it's more like lightening since the streaks have turned to white :) .

Wear and tear on our bodies through the years - it can be good and bad. But no matter if you have stretch marks, crow's feat aka. laugh-lines :D , a permanent furrow etched between your brows, or scars criss-crossing your wrists - they're all reminders of the life you've led. And that's a sample of some of the wear&tear on my own body btw. Of course, the happy reminders are easier to love, while the painful ones can be more difficult to be thankful for. But it's still possible.

Someone recently told me how they were able to be grateful for their own scars and I fell in love with what they said. They said that when they looked at these permanent reminders, they let themselves remember; not of the experience behind them, but that they survived it. Since then, I have learned to appreciate and even occasionally #Love my own ever-present reminders of events long past. They are reminders, that no matter how #Rough #Life gets, #God is there. Even when I gave up on me - He never did.

And honestly, if there is a way to be thankful for the Incredibly Noticeable marks declaring me to the world as a suicide survivor, there must be a way to be thankful for love handles and muffin tops. There is probably a way to be grateful for that mole we hate or a random birth mark. Those tattoos that seemed really good at the time, but maaaaybe not so much any more - I have hope for as well. The cigarette burns or that mark that we will never tell a soul the history behind - I believe it's possible.

We all have something we don't like about ourselves, if not everything. It is not vanity to want to be pretty. But it's unhealthy to not see that you already are #Beautiful. If you can't see that through your own eyes, then look at yourself through God's Eyes. If you still can't see how Gorgeous you are to Him, than the problem is not your appearance. No - the problem then lies much deeper than that.

I had to find this out the hard way. And for those who have only just met me, or seen only recent profile pics - scroll back further. Only now am I beginning to accept my new body image. I would be much happier with my 100+pounds back most days. And that's the truth. I never lost all that weight for looks. I did it in following God each and every day. I learned Long Ago that society's idea of good looks are Not what make a person happy. And having your ideal body weight won't necessarily give you confidence. In my experience - a "hott body" comes with a great deal of self-loathing and bitter hatred for myself. And it has been God, with the help of some of my girlfriends, who has helped me work through this fear of looking attractive whatsoever. I would still rather hide in a potato sack when I'm in public or around any men.

But God did that sneaky thing where I followed Him before I realized what He was up to. I started working out because it took the edge off the pain. I continued to work out when I realized I could get my independence back that I lost with my car. Over time it has given me the strength to manage the pain and to find joy in things I haven't been able to do in years - like softball, climbing trees, jumping up on counters, balance(in general), run(at all), etc. Although, truth is, these things I also didn't do for many other reasons: lack of confidence(Big One), lack of strength(cause even when I was this weight in the past - I had no muscle to work with), lack of wanting to live(ok - probs the Biggest One), etc, etc, etc...

The results of these work outs has effected my image greatly and honestly, I'm rarely grateful. When I was 200+pounds - I didn't get noticed when I didn't want to be. I didn't get venomous looks from other women. I didn't get backhanded compliments from them either. Neither did I get unwanted and cringe-worthy "compliments" from strange men that sent me into panic attacks or woke me up with nightmares from the flashbacks associated with those types of encounters. All these and more I get regularly now. 

But even though I'm absolutely terrified to look even remotely like a girl these days, I trust God with this fear. I look to Him and try my best not to look away when I go in public wearing anything remotely pretty. You ladies who struggle with your body image may think I'm not being truly empathetic. And I don't know if this will help but

This is me. And while I won't lie and say my life was super great then. Neither was I as upset about my body as others seemed to think I should be. And while I enjoy the weight I am a Lot more than I did that one - as that was an uncomfortable weight for me in that it was actually painful. Everything always hurt and there wasn't much I could do physically. However - I was much more comfortable going out in public than I am now. Among strangers or friends, this weight is a lot more nerve-wracking than that one was.

A lot of people think I don't empathize real well with body-image struggles because I look semi-normal now. No - that's wrong. I have a hard time listening to people complain about their body image when I have been up to 300 pounds and down to 100. Then up and back down again. And again. And all in between. I have a hard time listening to complaints from people who struggle with issues that seem so trivial compared to those of my friends as well as myself who are marked with permanent disfigurements that set us apart as different, in a bad way. And honestly - this is wrong of me.

I have been convicted by this pretty hard. Having hatred for your body image is NOT a trivial matter. Whether you have scars or not. Everyone has reasons for why they loathe themselves and the Pain that results is Devastating - no matter whether your reason is the same as mine. I will be keeping each and every woman in my heart who struggles with their body image - which is pretty much all of us. And I ask you to keep me in yours as well. We are Beautiful - all of us. And we need to not only remember this - but remind each other. For - I have no doubt - we each need to be reminded. And often.

God created us, men and women. It's not a sin to see ourselves as Beautiful. Our bodies are Temples for the Spirit of God, Himself! And from the sermon series we are currently in the middle of - the original Temple was Pretty Friggin #Ornate.

1Kings: A Tale of Power & Peril

If you are like me in that you do not know how to treat your body like a Temple, start by thanking God. For what? For anything you can think of. And over time you will be able to thank Him...for Everything. Even for things you could never be thankful for without Him. But of course, why would we ever want to separate ourselves from God? Even in the smallest areas of our lives? He is the Answer to Everything. From the most trivial or mundane questions of each and every day to the questions that unlock the Mysteries of the Universe.

42

Heeheeehee

Yeah - it's late. I need to head to bed before I start sleepy texting.