I'm Sorry. But Why?

I will not edit what I wrote earlier, but I will say it wasn't easy. Letting people see a part of me that I show to very few and typically am given reasons to regret it later - it's not as easy as many of you seem to think it is. I am not an attention whore, despite what many have let me know through their words and actions that they think. I've learned to hide my pain. I've actually learned to hide every emotion. That is part of my mask. A necessary mask in this day and age that is So Real looking and can hide every emotion easily with little knowledge from those I wish to hide them from. I can blend into my surroundings no matter how I feel. I can hide happy as easily as sad and I often do. I hide every emotion. Emotions show vulnerabilities that expose me too much to a world full of people I don't trust. People I don't have reason to trust. People I have EVERY reason to Mistrust.

God is insisting I keep trying, even if it means exposing myself to more Pain. I've given you a weapon with this post. I give you all ammunition to hurt me each and every time I trust you with my vulnerabilities. That's why people wear masks. To protect themselves. I'm learning to take mine off, but it's not easy and I ask that you not take it for granted. If you see me -or have seen my emotions- happy or sad, angry or anything really, at any level -- it's because I'm trying SO Hard -or tried- to trust you. The struggle many see is not me trying to suppress the tears or laughter - but trying to allow them at all. And I've never known a person who didn't use this against me several times - if not too many to count. I understand why and I forgive them even when they don't know what they have done. But it's not ok and I've never allowed myself to say that. It's not ok to hurt people like this. Don't give me more reasons to think Trust is a bad idea when I already have a lifetime full of reasons to turn me away from The Church and everyone in it. I love you guys. But I'm Done with it being ok. It's not. Grow Up and learn to LOVE as God does.

This goes out to every Christian of all generations. You are driving men and women away from the Cross, away from Jesus with your airs of superiority and judgmental attitudes. You drove me away. God dragged me back. I thank Him every day for that. I thank Him every day for each of you. But none of us our perfect. And I see your strengths - they are many and are Beautiful to behold. But I also see your weaknesses almost as clearly as my own and it sickens me. My own sins drive me to my knees begging for forgiveness, literally. Do yours? If they don't - then this little rant is meant for you. This speech is not designed for my friends and family, nor my personal church. Although, many I know struggle with certain aspects of this along with the rest of the world. But this monologue is not a petty rant because someone hurt me. Not - this is an ongoing sin I see in The Church today. You have become modern pharisees and I am DONE with it being Ok.

Jesus Loves us - this I Know. But there's No Way He would join The Church in what it has become. There's no way He would promote the Hate that it promotes. And if you don't acknowledge that this is happening, then you are blinded to your own sins and unable to see the Pain that is all around you. The people begging for help and unable to find it in those uncomfortable pews, surrounded by hundreds of judgmental eyes. I will proudly call myself a "Bad Christian" because at least I'm not lying to myself. I am Broken and it is through this weakness that God is brought Glory. My weaknesses give me strength. For in them - I find Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9&10

If you seek Him, you will find Him. But I personally doubt He's gonna be in the pews at any church in this country.

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I was sitting on my couch, attempting to read while the kittens were being hooligans all over the place and I got a life-changing email. It was from a friend inviting me to participate in an event they know I enjoy very much. The thing is, with life lately, I know I'm rarely enjoyable to be around. I expect people to simply do things without me when they cannot handle my level of intensity because that's how people work. So this invitation shocked me to my core. My emotions skyrocketed to feel a joy that had me sobbing for like 10 seconds. I didn't even know that was a thing - sobbing with joy. I mean, you hear it sappy books, but I thought it was just an expression. Silly me. I thanked them, did my happy dance and then cranked my music and tried to let myself enjoy this intense feeling of joy. But I'm still broken and it didn't last long. My core value is that I am Worthless. That is who I believe I am, deep down inside, subconsciously. Everyone has a root belief of who they are and it's doubtful you will know your own without some serious therapy. I didn't know till this year that -Worthless- was mine. And it is. I've been working SO Hard to change it. I know that it needs to be Beloved. For that is who I am - the Beloved child of God. But that is easier said than done. Every genuine compliment I receive and allow myself to believe, helps this. It's also incredibly difficult and painful to hear them. They shake my core value - the very foundation of who I am. Changing the core belief of who you is Incredibly tricky without bringing the whole house down. With God's help - I am doing so. Days like today - I worry that it will all come tumbling down. I stood at that sink and my joy turned to Pain as all I could think was "Why? Why would they do this for me? I'm not worth it." Those words themselves were a step in the right direction. At least I labeled the problem right away for once. I immediately turned off my phone and then asked two girlfirends for prayer as I closed my door and retreated to struggle with the idea of my value. Even now - I'm on the couch, knowing I'll get through this moment, however long it lasts - but begging for it to be over and done with now. I'm not worth it is a broken record inside my head and it feeds the Pain. I want it to stop. Please. Please make it stop. I'm struggling to remember it won't go on forever. It's hard to do this. But I remember the beginning of this writing - although I'm too far gone to be able to focus enough to see the words - that this will be a life-changing day. Every time I get through Pain like this - I grow. That fancy word sanctification. I'm guessing that if I get through this moment inside of time, where all my trillions of thoughts are focused on the pain and not any of the Good. Where only writing this is helping me remember the Big Picture so I don't start silently screaming. If I can get through this - I will be making a giant leap forward in changing the core belief of who I am. I am worth it. I just don't know that yet. One Day I will Believe...If I can survive this learning and growing process. One Day maybe it won't hurt this bad. There are many One Days and I have Eternity to enjoy them all. I need to remember that. I need to remember #OneDay. But right now - I think Imma go scream. It hurts too much. I'm so sorry. It's Worth It. I promise. It's Good for me too - I swear. It's just. It's Hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not normal or average. I'm sorry I can't even pretend to be and function. I love you guys.

~~~

I'm Sorry because my Core Identity tells me I'm Worthless. I'm sorry because I was taught by society, particularly within The Church, that I need to be. Many have the misconception that I have guilt and shame from my rather terrifying past. That the pain comes from my history. And by that they mean my party days. There is some truth to this. I have spent a decade feeding my core-identity with reasons to feel more worthless. For, even if I'm miserable, the house does not fall and my sanity remains intact. It is easy to hate myself and it is comfortable to do so. It is absolutely terrifying to believe anything else. I have had more one-night stands than I can count along with a couple threesomes. I've tried drinking, smoking and other substances. I have many tattoos and had a hella lot more piercings at various points in my life. And yet, with all my experience - I would be more comfortable giving you the details of my experimentation with girls than telling you I cried while watching Flicka. I would rather flick you off than let you see the joy that comes when I see a rainbow or feel the rain on my face. Why is this you wonder?

Because the Root of my Worthlessness did not begin with my first drink. It did not begin when I lost my virginity. It began way before that. And the things that shame me most - are the very strengths God gave me. I hate that I Care. I hate that I Feel. I even tend to hate that I Love. I have hated these things about myself SO Much. Why is that? When they are the Greatest Strengths God has bequeathed me. I know why. Perhaps you should ask God if the answer eludes you. And if you are like me in this, which many are, perhaps you should ask yourself why you hate your own God-given talents.

But don't ask if you aren't prepared for a very difficult answer. However - it is worth it - no matter how much I scream. I will always believe it's worth it. Especially on days like today when He reminds me, yet again, why I can trust Him. When He reminds me He loves me and that He will never leave me. He will never abandon me and He is always next to me getting me through the agony that comes with the assault of my emotions and the memories associated with them.

Thank You my LORD. There is NONE like YOU.

<3