A Ramble on Growth or "Sanctification" if you like Fancy Words

So I'm an Introvert. I'm just imagining the various reactions I have received on this information. And, like, I'm not just kind of an introvert. I'm a Full-Blown, HardCore INTROVERT. People often don't know this for a variety of reasons. The Biggest being that very few people know what an Introvert actually is. Or they don't know me well. Or they were apart of my life during a certain time period. Lemme start with the first.

And Introvert is NOT Defined by whether a person is SHY. NO. Do some research if that is what you think. Like, a LOT of Research. Even the professionals disagree on the whole Introvert Extrovert thing. I mean, because humans made up the idea to help us understand shit. But we're humans, so it's not perfect. But most all will agree that shyness can be one of the most common forms of by-products of being an introvert. However, it is not necessarily one either. I have grown up with a strong belief that to determine whether you are an introvert or extrovert is based off of where you get your energy. Everybody needs to recharge. Some of us do this by being alone, others need people. It's more complicated than that of course, but that's a starting point for understanding yourself and others.

I Desperately Need Alone Time to Function. I need a Great Deal of time without people, communications or interactions of ANY kind. Good or Bad - it doesn't matter. I need time AWAY. I need time to Recharge and then I'm a party animal honestly. I like to talk. I'm a Ray of Fucking Sunshine when I'm Fully Charged. And lately, I've got SO Much that drains me in the form of therapy and shit, that I can Drain Fast and Hard. One of the reasons I need more alone time these days than I have in years. But that's not the only reason Which leads me to why I've had several people actually, argue with me over whether I'm an introvert, or whether I maybe changed to an extrovert and then back again. No. No I didn't.

No matter who you are Introvert, or Extrovert - People simply need Energy: mentally, physically and Spiritually to Function. But me? I went through a time where I wasn't Functioning at all. And not because I wasn't getting my alone time. No. It wasn't even a priority. I had Completely Lost my ability to Function in the World, or even Want to do so. I didn't want to Live. For a while I tried to function. For even longer I tried to just Survive. Then I gave up on all of it. That cycle happened several times when God refused to let me Die. I said Screw You and then I caved. When I realized I was Bulletproof until God was Done with me, I made some changes to take the strain off people I loved and who had stupidly decided they loved me, with all the Crazy that that entailed.

In this process - I stepped up from Hopelessness & Despair back to Surviving. That lasted far too long and was Seriously Painful. One of the reasons I never make it to a Level of Functionality before I end up Giving Up again. Or at least, not for very long. The Transition out of Survival is not one I have ever made by myself. I've always had an S.O. to help me. This time I did it without the temporary relief a committed partner can give you. I had to learn to be Content with the Very Different Relief that God can give. One that is ANYthing BUT Temporary. However, it is not as easy to to Grasp and Feel. So yeah - Survival was a BITCH.

And while there are still times I end up in Survival mode, these times have become few and far between. I function now. At low levels mind you. But I've graduated to take on responsibilities that I couldn't in Survival Mode. The evidence can be found in my sweet kittens. In survival mode I wouldn't have been able to feed them or do their litterbox. But they are happy, healthy, darling hooligans that I love. Every day I see changes that are wrought in my life from functioning for such a long stretch of time. It's nice. Really fucking nice.

And one of my fondest ones? Being able to get alone time again. There was a therapy session where my therapist had me doing a breathing exercise and excused himself for a moment. Soon as he left my thoughts and anxiety increased exponentially. I don't know exactly how long it took before I went looking for him. He came back and I quickly deduced that he was testing to see how long I could last by myself. And I do remember it hadn't taken long at all before I Freaked. I may be an introvert and one of my by-products, that are common in introverts, is that I'm Insanely Introspective. This is NOT Good though, when NONE of your thoughts are positive. When they ALL lead to Pain.

At some point in my life, I stopped being able to get along time, because I couldn't handle my own thoughts. I needed Distractions. Not even activities by myself would cut it. I needed people to take my mind off me. I Hated myself too much to handle that. But I don't hate myself anymore. Well, not as easily. God won't let me. He insists on reminding me how Valuable I am to Him. That's nice too. Oh Buttersquash. Dumb emotions.

Anyways, so here I am. Alone in my room and enjoying thinking. It was a Hard process. I mean. It doesn't just go from Hating to be Introspective to Enjoying it. No. For a long time, I had to do it even though I knew the Pain would hit. How many Blog Posts have I written where I knew I would end up curled on the floor silently screaming? I couldn't tell you. Far too many. It Fucking Sucked. It HURT. And I knew it would, but I fucking did it anyways.

Growth is rarely easy and often - it's Hurts like a Bitch. I always call myself a coward for shying from Pain. But I never let myself believe what my therapist tells me. I go into situations with the FULL knowledge I'm not going to be able to handle it. It's going to Hurt and there's not getting around it. Sometimes Bravery is doing things despite the Fear. I get scared SO easily now that God has decided certain walls are Very Bad for me. I agree, but it doesn't mean I'm not terrified now that they're down. God doesn't always work by blocking Pain or Wounds. Often they're Important to learn from. But He IS there to Heal me - EVERY Time.

Funny thing. I didn't know that when I started this journey. I didn't know He would heal me. I trusted that I needed to feel the Pain, but I didn't know He would make it Worth it. That He would soothe the Pain. I didn't know Him that well then. I guess that's a kind of Bravery too huh? Maybe. I don't like to think I'm Brave because I feel so Pathetic when it comes to mental Pain. But maybe I am Brave. I dunno. Not this moment's main thought path.

So, Brave or Not - I took the Pain that came with learning how to handle being alone with me. And over time, as I grew in a variety of ways, it has become less and less painful. I was told this would happen. I admit I did not believe it. I hoped it would be true, but I didn't put much in it. I didn't want to be disappointed if it never happened. But it did! Do you know what I did the other day?! Let me tell you. It's not big, but it's Exciting to me. I went to a movie. By MYSELF.

Yeah. I know. Not big to many. BIG DEAL to me. AND I loved it! I tried doing that once, I left before the movie was 10 minutes in. I actually might not even have made it through the previews. And that was during a time I was in a low-level of functionality. But I'm at higher levels now. I because of this - I enjoy time to myself again. Actually, enjoy? More like Crave. And this has Impacted my Life to Spur me to Greater Growth as well.

Because Surviving is no longer the fight I am fighting. Functioning and learning to Live aren't even exactly where I'm at. I'm transitioning to a more pro-active level now. And that is a Great Deal because now that I'm on higher levels I'm able to get the basic necessities I need to Live. Things like Sleep, food, exercise, a clean room, and of course an ability to recharge. You don't get these things in Survivor mode. Survivor mode is like living on the front lines. You're just getting through the day, never really knowing how and often giving up on everything that matters to stay alive and keep others alive.

But I'm out of Survivor mode. I get the basic skills that allow me to focus on the next steps up this path on my Pilgrim's Progress HOME. I'm not just crawling without being able to even see around me, because of sheer exhaustion and Pain. I am walking now, slowly and cautiously and not without Pain, but I'm able to do more than see a vision of what Home will look like in those Moments Outside of Time. I can see it as I walk. I might not see the destination, but I see God. And He is Home. Home is where the Heart is could never be Truer than with my BigMan. All I have to do is Look to Him and my Passion is renewed and my footsteps tend to hasten simply due to the Pure Excitement that comes from Communicating with my Lord.

I Love where I am and where I'm going. Not because it's Perfect. But because HE Is. And He is with me. It is Not easy, this Life. It stopped being easy when sin infiltrated the World. But without sin, I could not possible be as Grateful as I am for my Lord. I could not Possibly Understand How AMAZING He is. There is NO Way I could Truly Understand His Grace, His Power, His Majesty like I can due to Shit of sin in this Life. Sin hurts us all, by our own hand and by the hands of others. There is Nothing is doesn't Fuck up, often with our hands to happily guide it. We CHOSE that. And we still DO. God did not invite sin into the World. WE DID.

And yet. Despite our Disobedience, God is taking the VERY sin of this World and Transforming it into something Beautiful, as only God can do. It astounds me how He can take the Broken and not only Heal, but Transform. It's Frickin Aces. And OneDay this World will be Completely Transformed.....I Can't WAIT!!!! And so, my pace quickens and I hasten toward Him with wonder in my eyes. I have no doubt I will be waylaid by Pain and Misery - but He isn't going anywhere. He Promised. He will be by my side the Whole Way HOME. WOW. Thank You BigMan, my Lord, Yahweh. Thank You.

I'm Sorry. But Why?

I will not edit what I wrote earlier, but I will say it wasn't easy. Letting people see a part of me that I show to very few and typically am given reasons to regret it later - it's not as easy as many of you seem to think it is. I am not an attention whore, despite what many have let me know through their words and actions that they think. I've learned to hide my pain. I've actually learned to hide every emotion. That is part of my mask. A necessary mask in this day and age that is So Real looking and can hide every emotion easily with little knowledge from those I wish to hide them from. I can blend into my surroundings no matter how I feel. I can hide happy as easily as sad and I often do. I hide every emotion. Emotions show vulnerabilities that expose me too much to a world full of people I don't trust. People I don't have reason to trust. People I have EVERY reason to Mistrust.

God is insisting I keep trying, even if it means exposing myself to more Pain. I've given you a weapon with this post. I give you all ammunition to hurt me each and every time I trust you with my vulnerabilities. That's why people wear masks. To protect themselves. I'm learning to take mine off, but it's not easy and I ask that you not take it for granted. If you see me -or have seen my emotions- happy or sad, angry or anything really, at any level -- it's because I'm trying SO Hard -or tried- to trust you. The struggle many see is not me trying to suppress the tears or laughter - but trying to allow them at all. And I've never known a person who didn't use this against me several times - if not too many to count. I understand why and I forgive them even when they don't know what they have done. But it's not ok and I've never allowed myself to say that. It's not ok to hurt people like this. Don't give me more reasons to think Trust is a bad idea when I already have a lifetime full of reasons to turn me away from The Church and everyone in it. I love you guys. But I'm Done with it being ok. It's not. Grow Up and learn to LOVE as God does.

This goes out to every Christian of all generations. You are driving men and women away from the Cross, away from Jesus with your airs of superiority and judgmental attitudes. You drove me away. God dragged me back. I thank Him every day for that. I thank Him every day for each of you. But none of us our perfect. And I see your strengths - they are many and are Beautiful to behold. But I also see your weaknesses almost as clearly as my own and it sickens me. My own sins drive me to my knees begging for forgiveness, literally. Do yours? If they don't - then this little rant is meant for you. This speech is not designed for my friends and family, nor my personal church. Although, many I know struggle with certain aspects of this along with the rest of the world. But this monologue is not a petty rant because someone hurt me. Not - this is an ongoing sin I see in The Church today. You have become modern pharisees and I am DONE with it being Ok.

Jesus Loves us - this I Know. But there's No Way He would join The Church in what it has become. There's no way He would promote the Hate that it promotes. And if you don't acknowledge that this is happening, then you are blinded to your own sins and unable to see the Pain that is all around you. The people begging for help and unable to find it in those uncomfortable pews, surrounded by hundreds of judgmental eyes. I will proudly call myself a "Bad Christian" because at least I'm not lying to myself. I am Broken and it is through this weakness that God is brought Glory. My weaknesses give me strength. For in them - I find Him.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.10That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9&10

If you seek Him, you will find Him. But I personally doubt He's gonna be in the pews at any church in this country.

~~~

I was sitting on my couch, attempting to read while the kittens were being hooligans all over the place and I got a life-changing email. It was from a friend inviting me to participate in an event they know I enjoy very much. The thing is, with life lately, I know I'm rarely enjoyable to be around. I expect people to simply do things without me when they cannot handle my level of intensity because that's how people work. So this invitation shocked me to my core. My emotions skyrocketed to feel a joy that had me sobbing for like 10 seconds. I didn't even know that was a thing - sobbing with joy. I mean, you hear it sappy books, but I thought it was just an expression. Silly me. I thanked them, did my happy dance and then cranked my music and tried to let myself enjoy this intense feeling of joy. But I'm still broken and it didn't last long. My core value is that I am Worthless. That is who I believe I am, deep down inside, subconsciously. Everyone has a root belief of who they are and it's doubtful you will know your own without some serious therapy. I didn't know till this year that -Worthless- was mine. And it is. I've been working SO Hard to change it. I know that it needs to be Beloved. For that is who I am - the Beloved child of God. But that is easier said than done. Every genuine compliment I receive and allow myself to believe, helps this. It's also incredibly difficult and painful to hear them. They shake my core value - the very foundation of who I am. Changing the core belief of who you is Incredibly tricky without bringing the whole house down. With God's help - I am doing so. Days like today - I worry that it will all come tumbling down. I stood at that sink and my joy turned to Pain as all I could think was "Why? Why would they do this for me? I'm not worth it." Those words themselves were a step in the right direction. At least I labeled the problem right away for once. I immediately turned off my phone and then asked two girlfirends for prayer as I closed my door and retreated to struggle with the idea of my value. Even now - I'm on the couch, knowing I'll get through this moment, however long it lasts - but begging for it to be over and done with now. I'm not worth it is a broken record inside my head and it feeds the Pain. I want it to stop. Please. Please make it stop. I'm struggling to remember it won't go on forever. It's hard to do this. But I remember the beginning of this writing - although I'm too far gone to be able to focus enough to see the words - that this will be a life-changing day. Every time I get through Pain like this - I grow. That fancy word sanctification. I'm guessing that if I get through this moment inside of time, where all my trillions of thoughts are focused on the pain and not any of the Good. Where only writing this is helping me remember the Big Picture so I don't start silently screaming. If I can get through this - I will be making a giant leap forward in changing the core belief of who I am. I am worth it. I just don't know that yet. One Day I will Believe...If I can survive this learning and growing process. One Day maybe it won't hurt this bad. There are many One Days and I have Eternity to enjoy them all. I need to remember that. I need to remember #OneDay. But right now - I think Imma go scream. It hurts too much. I'm so sorry. It's Worth It. I promise. It's Good for me too - I swear. It's just. It's Hard. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I'm not normal or average. I'm sorry I can't even pretend to be and function. I love you guys.

~~~

I'm Sorry because my Core Identity tells me I'm Worthless. I'm sorry because I was taught by society, particularly within The Church, that I need to be. Many have the misconception that I have guilt and shame from my rather terrifying past. That the pain comes from my history. And by that they mean my party days. There is some truth to this. I have spent a decade feeding my core-identity with reasons to feel more worthless. For, even if I'm miserable, the house does not fall and my sanity remains intact. It is easy to hate myself and it is comfortable to do so. It is absolutely terrifying to believe anything else. I have had more one-night stands than I can count along with a couple threesomes. I've tried drinking, smoking and other substances. I have many tattoos and had a hella lot more piercings at various points in my life. And yet, with all my experience - I would be more comfortable giving you the details of my experimentation with girls than telling you I cried while watching Flicka. I would rather flick you off than let you see the joy that comes when I see a rainbow or feel the rain on my face. Why is this you wonder?

Because the Root of my Worthlessness did not begin with my first drink. It did not begin when I lost my virginity. It began way before that. And the things that shame me most - are the very strengths God gave me. I hate that I Care. I hate that I Feel. I even tend to hate that I Love. I have hated these things about myself SO Much. Why is that? When they are the Greatest Strengths God has bequeathed me. I know why. Perhaps you should ask God if the answer eludes you. And if you are like me in this, which many are, perhaps you should ask yourself why you hate your own God-given talents.

But don't ask if you aren't prepared for a very difficult answer. However - it is worth it - no matter how much I scream. I will always believe it's worth it. Especially on days like today when He reminds me, yet again, why I can trust Him. When He reminds me He loves me and that He will never leave me. He will never abandon me and He is always next to me getting me through the agony that comes with the assault of my emotions and the memories associated with them.

Thank You my LORD. There is NONE like YOU.

<3