A Ramble on Home

What do you do when you're having a rough day/week/month/life? When you have such a difficult time falling asleep because you know that this day was hard and tomorrow is going to be even harder. When every day takes so much energy to get through? When two of the most common phrases you say to yourself are "I don't want to play anymore" as if LIfe is some big cruel game of Jumanji & "I want to go Home now" because this world frankly Blows. And it's not supposed to be fun. We were kicked out of our Home and until Eternity begins this time period is one big Israelite Desert Lifestyle. Eventually we will get to go to the Promised Land, but not yet. So what do we do while were stuck int he desert, eating mana and buggies, living in tents aka Cary, NC/Munich, Germany/Charlottesville, Va? We Trust in the only thing Trustworthy. We follow God, even when He leads us places we do not wish to go. Even though our friends or community or family or church may not follow Him all the time themselves, that's no excuse. I have to remind myself of this often. We follow God. Through the hardship and disaster - we follow him and keep an eye out for the rainbows. For He promised we will make it Home and He shows us these promises throughout every fucked up situation. Even in the Valley of Shadows and Death - you will see a waterfall. I know - I just passed it. You will see butterflies as you climb the Cliff's of Insanity. Even the depths of hell cannot keep God out. He is everywhere and you are Never Alone. When you saw only one set of footprints - it was then that He carried you. The thing is - you were so out of it you never saw him. You were so drugged up, doped up, or beaten senseless that when you came to - you thought you walked it yourself. But no - we are never alone. Even though we often feel that way. We look around and think nobody could possibly relate and that's not true either. We search for just one person who understands and will ease that pain and when we think we've found them - we give them all of ourselves and this is often why many women end up pregnant and alone. This is why many couples are in unhappy marriages that started out so perfect. You cannot find your sense of purpose in another. You cannot find your sense of self. You cannot find your happiness, your confidence, your Hope. No - you cannot put your Hope in man or woman. You must place it in the only One who can handle that kind of co-dependency. The One who can not only handle it, but Demands it. You must give everything to Him - heart, mind, body and Soul. Only then will you be able to know true Love. And it comes at a price. But this world is already a dystopian society. We're all just trying to survive it. We are not civilized! Anything but. We are broken people who live in a Broken world. We have a broken society and the Church Body itself is comprised of Broken Christians. We screw shit up. We turn away from God and blind ourselves to our own sins. We do not speak out when we should and we shout when we should be silent. And above all we ignore the Two Greatest Commandments. I look around and daily - it sickens me. Not the world. I do not blame those who are blind and have no way to see. I look at those with the vision to guide the world, who close their eyes to the Pain. I look at my own life and how long I have done that for myself and how I still do not speak out even when I do see clearly. But I have asked God to use me however He wants, no matter where it takes me. And often it seems to be to confront you, my fellow Christians - amazing people in many ways and just as fucked up as me and the rest of the world - but often unwilling to see or admit it. Open your eyes and look around. We are not Home. Stop trying to make yourself comfortable. And when you see what I do, it should bring you to your knees in Pain. But it doesn't stay like that - I promise. God is our Hope. He is our Deliverer. Once you truly SEE - you will initially be overwhelmed by the Devastation the Church has wrought and while you will never be truly unaffected by it, you will also see the Beauty in each travesty. God can use Anything for His Glory...and He does. Whether it be a fierce storm, a betrayal most heinous, a history of abuse, a decade plus of horrible errors - God can use it. It doesn't have to be Big either. God can use ANYthing and that means the little things. He choose a rainbow as as symbol of His Promise to us - an often small and pretty useless decoration that you can find in the oddest of places. If He can use that to inspire such Hope - what else can He use? I see how He uses the PokemonGo App daily - Go Team Mystique! I see how He uses silly little kittens. Or maybe hand-me-down clothes. A car ride. A home-baked meal or a burger off the dollar menu from MickeyDees. God is all around us, showing us we aren't alone, but the easiest way to see Him is through how He works through others. Was it coincidence that I wasn't yet in church and was able to receive a text that someone needed backup at the Welcome table? Or was it coincidence that a friend drove by and offered me a ride when I was running late? It must have been coincidence it rained when I was crying and washed my tears away with the joy of the storm. Yeah. No. Once is Chance. Twice is Coincidence. But three times is Conspiracy. Not a perfect analogy. But come on peeps - look at your life closer. How many coincidences are there? And why do you think they are such a thing? God not only cares about our needs. He cares about US. He is not a cruel Jailer for this world, as often as I tend to think that. He may have said I can't come Home yet - that I am needed in this Blasted World - but every time I cry out, He reminds me why it's Worth It. And it is. I see why all around me. I see Hope sparking within the Hopeless. I see Love growing in the Unloving. I see cold hearts thawing and joy coming to those Blessed Eeyores of this world. The War has been one, but the battle is not over. And yet, I see the tide shifting in my own life and in the lives of many others. I see more than ever before and even as I cry daily at the Pain in my own life and in so many lives around me - I no longer despair. I have lost Hope far too many times and God has taken pains to earn my Trust, although He should not have had to. And I do Trust HIm. I Trust that He knows how to Fix this Mess of a World. I trust that He is the only One Who can. I am a tool at His command - ready to be used for His Glory and the Salvation of the World. I will tell you something though - I often feel like I must be a hammer with how many migraines I get after a Good, God Day. Bother - I have one coming on now. This is enough for today. I'm tired, hungry, nauseous and in need of a nap. Maybe OneDay I will get to rest from God's purpose. But that day is not today. I am no prophet, but I relate to Cole's sermon on Elijah last week. I want to be Done, but God said no. So I will look for His whisper and pray that my retirement as a hammer comes earlier than Elijah's did. I am certainly not as strong as he was. But I will follow You, my Lord. No matter where You take me - I will go. I will also complain. I will yell and rant. I will cry and beg, but I will follow. I am not perfect and You know that better than anybody. You understand and You are gentle, whether it feels that way or not. It's not an appropriate request from one so low as myself - but I beg of You to remind me in the dark times that it is Worth It. I beg of You to remind me I'm not alone. I beg - Please - Please let me know You care that it Hurts. Because it does and often All I want is to be Home, comfortably snuggled with my loved ones on an over-sized stuffed chair listening to the beauty of the rain as it chimes outside. But that wasn't promised us. What was promised was that one day in your courts is worth a thousand elsewhere. And I will eagerly await that day as I sit by myself on a flooded basement floor. I will await that day with others as we bail the water out together, remembering this world is not perfect, but we have each other thanks to You. And even when we have no one - we need no one But YOU. And that is enough. With all the imperfect love that I possess ~Kt<3