Fear

I've never had the courage to attempt to explain the depths of my madness. Even if you really could keep up and follow my crazy down the rabbit hole to Insanity of my Broken Mind - you wouldn't understand it. It wouldn't compute. So why even bother? In the end - you will just look at me with either pity or worse with brazen disbelief. You would look around the garden and not understand that the flowers can talk. You wouldn't see the caterpillar smoking his hookah. You would maybe see the Queen, but never the cat or his smile. You see what you want to see and you ignore what you can't possible understand. Or simply chalk it up to an over-dramatic girl who just needs to suck it up. And despite all this - I'm going to attempt to explain something. Not even for you, but for me. I'm going to attempt to understand the inner workings of one of the aspects that scares me the most and perhaps maybe some will also benefit from this Ramble. For one of my Greatest Fears...is Fear.

Oooooh. Yeah - Real Deep. I can see your eyes rolling. Shush now.

Everyone has fears. Everyone gets scared. This is nothing new. This is apart of Life. People deal with it and move on. But the ways people handle the fears varies from person to person. Remember - Everyone is Unique. We might all be the Same in that we are Each Equally Fucked UP. But we also each get to fuck up uniquely. Fun Times that is. Yeah - sarcasm. Anyhoot. So I get scared - just like everyone else. I handle it too - in my own unique way. Except that way is not and never has been acceptable.

I call her Icebitch. Yeah - you're about to hear some shit that makes me SO Incredibly Vulnerable I'm already shaking at the thought of putting it out there. She is NOT another personality - let me make that VERY CLEAR. IceBitch is a persona I subconsciously created to protect me when I get scared. She is my anger, my sexuality, my independence, and ultimately my Confidence. She is made up of all these different aspects of my personality that already existed...but taken to extremes. And she stands between me and the vulnerable parts of who I am. When she comes to the forefront, my sensitivity - my "tender heart" - it disappears. When I let her take over - anything that could hurt me, even if it's apart of me - it gets pushed back into the deepest recesses of my soul.

When she takes over, I think rainbows are Dumb. The color pink is Stupid. Flowers are for pussies. Singing a silly song or making goofy faces are what babies do. Water I just stay clear of altogether. Why? Because it can easily get me to FEEL. IceBitch does NOT Do Feelings. Not just feelings of sadness and hurt. She doesn't do Happy. She doesn't even do LOVE. Come on Charlie Brown. Isn't it obvious? Haven't I said this all before, in different ways? Love, Happiness, any positive feeling can be used to hurt you in a Variety of Excruciatingly Painful Ways. People build walls for just this reason.

Feelings are like every super heroes gal. They are a weakness that villains can exploit to bring you down. But this is not Completely true. For not all people who exploit that which you love are villains and Vulnerabilities are also not a weakness. Like a woman who is physically weak - that doesn't make her a weakness. There is a difference. Some vulnerabilities are strengths in their own right through what they give that makes them worth it. Here's an example: Forgiveness.

I know I know. Hold your britches on. I'm thinking. So - Forgiveness is often Extremely Difficult. It can takes weeks, years, a lifetime or Never to forgive someone. Me? Maybe once. But I couldn't tell you when. People don't even know. I realized just this week why so many people think I tend to "overreact". People see a level of emotions, be it anger or hurt and then it's gone in the span of a couple hours or maybe a day tops. I've realized that people chalk this up to having calmed down and seen how silly I was. No. Oh God how wrong you would be.

You poor silly fool. That you should know me and think that of me. I am astonished at your naivety. When you hurt me - when you mentally beat me with your words, actions, deeds - do you really think it doesn't hurt and my yowl of pain is just for show? Seriously? Oh darling. You have much to learn. Every time you cut me with your cruelty I feel it. Every "joke". Every inept phrasing of a ridiculous thought. Every unkind word strikes me harder than any physical blow I have ever incurred - of which there have been many. It hurts. You HURT me. Perhaps even scarred me. And I'm not saying this to make you feel bad. No - that's no the point either you dunder-headed fop. Listen!

You may Beat me Black and Blue with your Words. You may Hurt me and even Scar me - but I forgive you EVERY Time. I forgive you without an apology. I forgive you without the words. I forgive so often - it has become second nature. And for a while - it made me a doormat. Because not telling people they hurt you. Forgiving people without consequences each and EVERY Time - this teaches nothing. They continue to Brazenly walk about this world inflicting Pain on others because I was too much of a Coward to tell them they were cruel. That right there is actually still a work in progress in my heart.

But Forgiveness - this is a strength of mine that I actually like. I don't often particularly enjoy my tender heart or many of my passions. They are more weaknesses than strengths in my eyes. Although - I am learning to see them differently. This Forgiveness thing though - this is a Strength I am So Very Thankful for. Without this - I would be a hermit in Antarctica, since God never deigned to let any of my suicide attempts succeed. It is what keeps me sane, when the Pain is Great. The ability to empathize, to understand why people are the way they are. To not see just the Pain from the wound they inflicted, but why they inflicted it. And very rarely has it been on purpose. Honestly - most wounds are from people who feel the best defense is a good offense. They have their own walls and I see this clearly. It helps ease the Pain - Every. Single. Time. The Understanding that they are hurting too. They just aren't in a place to show it. Not yet.

So that Massive Tangent has exemplified the Strength that can be found in a weakness. Oh - and forgiveness can Definitely be a Vulnerability. Don't be so simple as to think otherwise. Just go watch an action movie to see how. But that doesn't mean it is a Weakness. Two different things. Which is exactly what I was getting at earlier. Weaknesses versus Vulnerabilities. And to IceBitch - all Vulnerabilities are Weaknesses. She is a Villain in her own right. She was formed to protect me. But in the end - all she brought was Chaos and Destruction to my life. The Ultimate Cliche Story of Evil.

When IceBitch takes over - gone are ALL my fears. My Confidence rushes in with a Force that's Undeniable. I am Completely Invincible for I Just don't give a Fuck. I do what I want. I get what I want. And if you stand in my way - you will Regret it. Have no doubt. For IceBitch does not have my empathy. She does not have my care or love for others. She does not care for happiness or laughter. She cares for control. She cares for power. She cares for whatever it takes to keep me safe from Fear.

And when I have given her the reigns to my life. Well - those are not stories I care to share. If you really want to know - I'm sure you could find them in any cliche rated-x teen drama where the girl ends up incarcerated, hospitalized or dead at the end of it. I hate those movies. I'd rather escape the realities of my Life than relive them, thanks. But that's the thing. You don't get to have experiences like mine without memories. No matter how good I've gotten at blocking most of them. They seep through. They come out in the shittiest of times. I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding - unknowing of why NOT Wanting to know why.

And that's what happened this morning. I woke up. I was scared shitless. I didn't know why and I did. NOT. Want. To. I just wanted out. I wanted to run - far far away. My mind didn't care that's impossible to physically escape an emotion - so I did. I got my running gear on as fast as I could and I ran. Scared, shaking, heart pounding, legs weak and often failing - I ran until I could run no more, then I walked and then I ran some more. It didn't work. I stopped at one point. I knew I had to feel. I didn't want to. I sat down and let a couple tears fall and decided it was time to head home and try to face my fear.

But by the time I got home, I had forgotten how to cry. It may sound silly to you and if you are a fool you will undoubtedly not believe me - but letting myself cry is one of the hardest parts of my therapy. I would rather slam my fist into a brick wall then cry - and I have - many times. And although I took a hot shower and finally let my legs give out on my completely - I couldn't figure out how to do it. I just lay there - at the bottom of the tub, staring blindly at nothing - waging a silent battle within. My body does not fail to listen to me - but my mind - that shit does what it wants. And it did NOT want to feel. It did not want to FEAR. And I didn't know how to make it.

I have used IceBitch to guard me for so long - I don't even remember fear well. When it comes up - I've had a hard enough time struggling with not letting her take over. That battle has been won, but lately I've been trying to figure out how to let myself be scared. How do I feel Fear? I honestly don't have an answer yet. I've only been preventing it. That or the classic Fight or Flight kicks in. But Feeling Fear? It baffles me. I'm just too much of a Coward. I shy away from any Fear that involves Mental Pain.

No - the threat of Physical Pain is not a Valid Fear in my Mind. The thought of being hurt that way does not scare me. Jumping off cliffs, black-diamond skiing, playing chicken or bar fights - these are adrenaline rushes. They are more helpful in easing my Mental Pain and therefore they have been Greatly Encouraged by IceBitch in the past. But - the thought of abandonment, rejection, failing, screwing up yet again, hurting another - all these and more are what I Fear. And these Fears are not only valid, but I have experienced at Excruciating Levels in the Most Torturous of Ways. Hence - IceBitch.

But she is gone and I am defenseless. Yeah - come on now. Keep up with the rabbit. This is Wonderland and that was a Total Lie. I have God you silly beaver. And He is teaching me how to Fear properly. It's not been easy, since His Way is always Hella Harder than all the Unhealthy ways. His Way always is. If anyone tells you being a Christian is easy - the Devil is speaking through them. Do not listen to that bullshit. Following God is Fucking HARD. It's also Worth It. Even with the Pain. Even with the Fear. It's SO Totally WORTH IT.

There's no way I could adequately explain how. Because it's not about happiness. It's not about contentment or joy. It's not about comfort and temporal security or safety. It's not about anything on this World's Plane. It's about SO Much More. The Worth and Purpose I have found are Eternal. They are beyond. They make life worth living. They transform the Broken into Beauty. He Heals and He LOVES. My God is repairing my shattered soul. He's molding me into a person I am proud to be. He is changing my life into one I am Grateful for. I do nothing of these Great Works. He did it ALL. His Is EVERYthing to me. And without Him - I would be NOTHING.

Thank You my Lord. Thank You my Yahweh. I pray to Always Remember what You have done for me. To NEVER take it for Granted. To Pray to YOU and NO one but YOU all the days of my Life. To LIVE for YOU and NO one and Nothing else. Nothing so fleeting as is only in this world. I ask this God. I ask for Your Strength as I follow You on this Pilgrim's Progress. I ask for YOUR Armor against my Fear. And I ask for Your Help when I fail, as I do - every moment of my life.

One Day I will make it to the End of this Journey. I will get to spend Eternity at HOME. Until then - I want to see through Your Eyes to see what I cannot. I want to see the Vision YOU have of this world and Your People. I want to Love as You do. I am not Worth Shit without You, my God - but with You - I am Priceless. Thank You. Thank You for Your Promise to NEVER Let me Go. It means more than even I know.

With all my Imperfect Love

Life, Love & The Pursuit of Him

Or should I say - His pursuit of me?

"Because He Lives"

~Matt Maher

*Adapted for myself

I believe in the Son.

I've always believed in the Risen One.

I believe I am overcome *grimace*

By the power of His Blood.

Amen. Amen?

I still live. Fuck - I only live...Because He lives
Amen...Amen.
PLEASE - let my song join the one that never ends.
Because He LIVES.

I was dead in the grave.

I was covered in sin and shame.
I heard Mercy...call my name?
He rolled the stone away...

Amen...Amen?!

I’m alive! I’m Alive!

Because He Lives *trembling*

Amen! AMEN!
Let my song join the one that Never ends!
Because He LIVES!!

I can now face tomorrow -

Because He Lives!
Life is Worth the #Pain - 
When I know He holds my life, my future in His Hands!!

Amen!! Amen!!

I’m Alive! I’m ALIVE!!
Because He Lives :')
Amen!! Amen!!!
Let my song join the one that never ends!!!!

Amen <3 Amen

I'm Glad I'm Alive -
Because He LIVES
Amen <3 Amen

Let my song join the One that never ends <3

Because He LIVES
Because He #LOVES

I have hated myself for So Long now. I don't even remember a time when I thought I was worth Anything. I don't remember the last time I went a day without feeling Complete Shame & Guilt. Our pastor spoke about that this morn. The title to this sermon was "I see you" and he discussed the different responses people have to that idea. Some people like to be seen - others want to hide. I have been in hiding for a very long time because of my pain. Because I don't want people to see my #Brokenness.

Those who know me - they assume I'm talking about my "history". No. I would say any sin I've committed holds not even a flicker of shame to the overwhelming hatred I have for the parts about me God #LOVES. The parts God Created. My friend once told me I have a #TenderHeart. I flinched visibly when she said that. Even now I found myself cringing as I typed that phrase. I have hated myself for So Long. I was the "sensitive" one. The one that cried over "ridiculous" things. The "dramatic" one. The girl who "just wants attention".

Yes - I did want attention. I wanted people to see ME. To see who I was and still love me. Instead I got ridicule. I was teased mercilessly for Caring. I got "jokes" about who I was. And over time, I learned to laugh instead of cry. I learned to make fun of who God made me to be. I would rather have the love of others than the love of my Creator(typical human attitude). And people proved that they couldn't love who God had created me to be. So - I learned to Hate God-in-me.

I've been a Christian since I was about 2 years old. I remember the day I prayed for Christ to dwell in my heart. Sitting on my parents four poster bed with Momma and Luya. It made sense, I didn't think twice before accepting that Jesus died for my sins. From that moment on Christ started shining forth in me, but when I started running from who I was. Who He was In me. I essentially started running from Him.

And of course - He had to go and follow me! No matter how far I ran. No matter where I ended up. God kept dragging me back! Seeing Him only reminded me of who I had come to believe I was. #Worthless. And so I reminded Him why I was worthless. Over and over I showed Him why I wasn't worth loving. Over and over I gave Him more reasons to give up on me. Over and over I pushed Him away - metaphorically screaming at Him to leave! Actions speak louder than words - and I made sure He, and everybody else in my life, knew that I was just as unlovable and worthless as I have always believed. But while it is easy to show others how Worthless I am. And it is even easier to show myself. I never convinced God of that.

But I kept trying. And when that didn't work - I tried to give up. I tried to end it. Several times. He wouldn't even let me do that. He Fought for me. He fought for more than my life. He fought for my love. Oh bother. And loving Him - it means loving who He is In Me. And that - that I couldn't do. People couldn't love who I was as a youth and adding my history since then - No. No, there simply CanNOT be ANYthing Loveable about me. Anything that once was, I learned to erase. I gave up my loves. I gave up my passions. I gave up hope. I gave up God. But He STILL didn't give up on me.

Man - this Dude's the Epitome of Stubborn! Twenty-eight years we've duked it out - Him and me. I'm pretty stubborn myself. And I have a tendency to need to do things MY way. Whiiiich typically means learning the hard way :) . But - luckily I have more curiosity than even a cat. And you know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat. And satisfaction brought it back!" My curiosity for #Truth. My yearning to always know "Why?" That's how God lured me to Him. God is "Sneaky Sneaky, Sir." Don't underestimate the sneakiness :) .

And Definitely don't underestimate God. I mean - hello. He's GOD. When He wants something - He'll get it. And He told me years ago that He wanted me. I didn't understand why or how and so I rejected Him. But my life, the life of every Christian, the life of Christ - are testimonies of God's Love for us! He Loved me enough to die for me and I mentioned that in Sunday School today. What I think about Christ dying for me. Let me see if I can say this again. P.s. This is called a tangent - and I love those!

Some people think that because Jesus is man AND God - dying on the cross was perhaps easier for Him than the average man. I disagree. I don't think God is some average comic book superhero with extra strength, endurance and pain resistance. Jesus was human, which meant he felt every scratch, every crack of the whip, every barb piercing his skin. He also felt the pain of every person who spit on Him, who laughed at Him, who scoffed and mocked Him. And because He is God - Christ knew one of His bffs was going to flat out Bail! To save his own skin! Christ knew that Peter was going to deny Him(3Xs), when He was doing this For Peter. For us.

Do we really get that? I mean think about it. Your best friend - would they take the blame if you broke a window with a baseball by accident? What about if you broke it on purpose? What if it was the window of someone from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre's house? What if your friend was dragged inside and tortured because of Your baseball? And what if you were given the opportunity to trade places. Would you? What if your friend was given the opportunity to rat you out, knowing what would happen to him if he didn't. Would he? I think that picture is more realistic.

Christ took the blame, took the torture, for every baseball we have broken a window with, by accident or on purpose. And we stood there and watched. We stood there and pretended we didn't know Him. We stood there and Scoffed at Him as He was being tortured for US. And He didn't hate us for it. No, He took the pain out of Love for us. He took the agony meant for us. And He went through it Alone. Not even God could look at Him as He took our blame. God had to turn His face away as Christ endured the Cruelest of tortures and our miserable Mocking laughter. You may think you would never laugh in His face, but you have. I have. Every time we sin, every time we run away from Him, every time we try to separate ourselves from Him, every time we fail to #Trust Him - we are essentially saying: I got this. I don't need You to save me...when He already did.

People say that life's not like some big movie. Screw those people. Life is Totally like the movies. And my #Life would win an award at the Grammy's as a Top #Romance. The girl who loved all the bad boys, while running away from the only Man who could ever truly LOVE her. God followed me. The Holy Spirit wooed me. Christ saved me. My life is the Ultimate cliche romantic drama(emphasis on the #Drama). I mean, He friggin proposed to me and tattooed an engagement ring on my heart where I could never take it off. And even though I resented Him for that for years(total cliche romance). This day I am Finally SO #PROUD to be able to say that I Love Him. That I accept that He LOVES me. That I learning #Why He does. That the #Truth is that there are parts of me #Worth Loving. I am Valuable...because He is.

It will always hurt when people I love don't love me for Who God is in me, but it will never again be able to drive me over the #CliffsOfInsanity. Because Jesus is my Wesley. And it may be #Inconceivable, but He has "Good Arms". I am His #Bride. A princess even ;) . And I know that He will always come for me. He will always Love me - and that's More than enough. That's #Everything. Not a day goes by now that I don't cry with joy at the proof of His Love in my life. Not an hour goes by that I don't talk to Him. What can I say? He's my Guy and although I still fight with Him, and often - I Never want to be parted from Him again. He's the One Man I can say that I Cannot LIVE Without - because it's True. I will always Need Him and that's a Good thing. That's a GOD thing.

But let me remind you. Life may be a movie and it may have a #HappyEnding, but I'm not there yet. I'm still in the middle of my #FairyTale. Christ may have rescued me from the tower, and I may have stopped trying to hit him over the head with a frying pan for it, but that doesn't mean the dragon is beaten. That doesn't mean we've crossed the lava pit, or gone through the fire swamp. I don't really want to get burned or fall into yet another sand trap. And yes, I'm terrified of battling the ROUS. This world is No #Eden. Not yet. This world is not my #Home...Yet.

But it will be. Life is one Big #Wedding Preparation - with all the anxiety that comes with one of those massive affairs(anxiety times a thousand squared). But in the end...it will be worth it. To look down the aisle and walk towards the Man I Love. To know that He sees who I will become even now. That He is the one making my #WeddingDress because He is the one making me #Pure once again. I cannot tell you how much I long to wear that dress. To walk towards the Man who LOVES me. The Man who Saved me. The Man who knows my deepest darkest secrets, who has seen ALL my #Crazy, and is still willing to claim me as His Bride. Oh Fudge. There I go - grinning like an idiot again and getting all goosepimply.

I Love You, my God. You are my God. And I will Ever Praise You. I will seek You in the morning. I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You'll lead me. And I will follow you all of my days.

P.s. I will NEVER be OK with the idea of cutting someone out of your life simply because they hurt you. People verbally beat me daily. Every one of you has. I even have physical scars to prove it. If I surrounded myself with people who loved me perfectly - I would be surrounded by no one. And for those who look at this post and feel pain at my words. Know that I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you Every time you hurt me. And I know I give pain as well as receive it. But this post is not about you. This post is not even about me. This post and my life story - is about God. Everything comes back to God. And guess what - the reason it's so easy to forgive you every time you hurt me - the reason I find it So Easy to Love each and every one of you despite the pain it often brings me? It's because I see God-in-you. He's So Beautiful. Looking at the people I love most - I've learned to not dwell on the pain. I look for the Unique Beauty God brings out in each of you. How many conversations have I had that are far better than even the sunrise itself? I look at you and I don't see you - I see So Much More. I see a rainbow, with the most beautiful colors that bring tears to my eyes. I see a waterfall that falls into a crystal clear lake. I see an exotic flower, unknown to this world. A star sparkling in the midnight of the sky. A city that twinkles like gems as seen from far above. I see each of you through God's eyes and because of that, I will never stop loving you ALL. Which is probs a good thing - since we're going to be spending much longer than a lifetime together ;)

Sincerely,

Me