Another of My Signature Rambles

Who else has those moments where an accident is about to happen but then disaster is totally averted because of your mad ninja skills? Yeah - I love videos where that gets caught on camera. But what about the times it doesn't? What about the times you're alone and a glass falls and you totally pluck it out of the air like you trained with Mr Miyagi? Who else finds they moonlight as a superhero who can leap a fence in a single bound, but when they try to tell people the truth of their Kent Clark facade - they look at you and laugh. Your clumsiness and incompetency is no secret and for some reason your Beastly Accuracy and Masterful Reflexes never come out unless you are completely and totally alone.

Anybody else have that happen? And every time - you look around and go Really? Did NObody see that - Again?! And then you hear Him. Faintly you hear the voice that's always been there, but you're adept at ignoring. He goes - I did. I saw it. And you go - oh but You don't count. I need actual people to hear and applaud this moment. I need fallible humans to cheer for this victory - not some Omnipotent Being who's Always there getting excited about Every. Single. Success. I mean, come on Dude - the Cooooonstant attention and Love is a little pathetic and beneath You, don't You think?

God can seem like the Ultimate, stereotypical "Nice Guy"

Maybe that's not always our reasoning for dismissing God as a legitimate source for affirmation, but who else realizes how much they reject God as "not enough". How much we turn to others for a stamp of approval, instead to the only One Who really matters. "God is All I need" may be cliche - but it's totally 100% accurate. And we need to live our lives this way. We need to realize that Nothing else Matters. A car or a house, a job or career, friends or even a family Pale next to the Son of God.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.

Luke 14:26 

I get this. And no - it's not a verse about hatred. It's a verse about Love. It's a hyperbole designed to emphasize how Much we are to Love GOD above all else. Love for your possessions, your relationships - your own LIFE - should be NOTHING compared to the Love you should have for our Lord and Savior. And there's a good trick to figuring out whether you are struggling with this. I use it constantly. I think about something, or more likely - someone - that I love, and then I think of a realistic situation where I could lose them. If I can honestly say to God - I'm alright if that happens. If you can HONESTLY say this is key though. I'm tired of hearing people lie to themselves and God, much less to the world.

So many people are like me in that they think ignoring something will make it go away. If I can't see it - it can't see me. Yes - I'm rolling my eyes the same way so many have to me. But we all do this. We all have a sin that we know is there, but we also know is Wrong. And for Some reason, we often tend to think if we don't acknowledge it, if we don't admit it's there - if we tell ourselves over and over this sin is wrong then maybe it will go away on it's own(...). Yeah - I'm giving y'all the signature Look. I know you don't really think that works, but let's think about this more realistically. Lemme think for a sec.

Sorry - this is not as much as a struggle for me - admitting I'm a fuck-up. If you've been reading this blog regularly - you know I struggle with the opposite. So lemme think of a generic example I see in society regularly. Or - I can use that earlier example. Perfect. Ok - so most all my friends will agree that only God's approval matters. We talk about it constantly. People remind me often. Anybody in my church reading this will agree - on a theological level - that God's approval is the only one that matters, yeah? Ok - hopefully you already see where I'm going.

How often does God's approval Not matter to you? How often is it Just - Not Enough. I can already hear your minds whirling, trying to defend yourselves. Trying to justify why you needed the approval of others in whatever situation. Because we won't admit that God's approval is NOT Enough for us. You Know it should be. I know the same thing. I just also know that I don't believe that on a more of a subconscious level. You can KNOW many things and not BELIEVE them. Not truly. And the first step to changing that - is to actually Admit that.

If you cannot admit that you have a MASSIVE problem trusting God or needing Him; Loving or Fearing Him. And FYI - we ALL DO. This is not me throwing the first stone but pointing out a struggle We - ALL of Us - Share. But if you cannot even admit that your most Beastly Ninja skill - that your most exciting career move - that your most romantic gesture - that anything you are proud of(Even in a Godly way) is pathetic next to the Love of God. That our good works are akin to bloody tampons. If you don't get that you do NOT Deserve your job. You did NOT receive a degree because you're smart and studied your butt off. You don't own a home because you Earned it for all your hard work. That's Bullshit and I'm calling you out on it. God gives and He can take away.

0:52

Everything you have, including your possessions, your relationships, even your life - Especially your life - are given to you by the Grace of God. And if you don't get this basic fact, you will never be able to apply all the theology you understand so well. You can have the Bible memorized backwards and forwards. You can have a Phd at Harvard, Princeton and the best Seminaries in the world and still not Truly Believe. You can preach the gospel with a passion and accuracy that astound the world - and still not Truly Believe. And if you are unable to say that you do not Truly Believe something, if not everything - then you are lying to yourself. You are lying to God.

"Just remember, it's not a lie if you believe it."

Belief does not equal Truth. Neither does Understanding. A True Belief in God's teaching involves Understanding Plato's Apology of Socrates, in my opinion. I do not Truly Believe many things I should. And the first step is admitting that. Only then, can we begin to grow in that area. We're all fucked up in this fallen world. We're all sinners. We're all mad here. And yet - we're not all going to Hell for this. I don't know who is or who isn't. I honestly haven't even thought enough about Hell to know whether I believe anybody is or whether I may take a more messianic view on that idea. I'm simply following God every day. I don't believe things because I've read them in books and they makes sense. I believe what God tells me through the way He reveals Himself to me in my LIFE - Every DAY. I like theology - but that is Nothing to a Personal Relationship to my Lord.

And I know people are often wanting a relationship like I have with God, but don't know the formula. Cause there isn't one. I know that's hard, but you have to find God yourself - learn how to listen for Him your own way. The answer isn't going to be in my Blog. It's not going to be in a sermon or any of your books from LifeWay. You need to find how God speaks to you. I will give you a hint though - if it makes you Incredibly Uncomfortable - you're probs on the right track. A personal relationship with God is The Most Uncomfortable, Infuriating, Maddening relationship I have Ever Had. It's worth it. Totally worth it. But don't go into this thinking it's going to be all Lovey Dovey, Hunky Dorey. No no. As in "Oh Heeeeell, NO.". A Close Relationship with God is ANYTHING But. Obnoxious Sneaky Yaweh. Yeah - You are. And it makes me smile as much as it makes me glare these days and I no longer underestimate the Sneaky Sneak:

You know I love you BigMan - even if I do argue with You an Awful Lot

:D

Life, Love & The Pursuit of Him

Or should I say - His pursuit of me?

"Because He Lives"

~Matt Maher

*Adapted for myself

I believe in the Son.

I've always believed in the Risen One.

I believe I am overcome *grimace*

By the power of His Blood.

Amen. Amen?

I still live. Fuck - I only live...Because He lives
Amen...Amen.
PLEASE - let my song join the one that never ends.
Because He LIVES.

I was dead in the grave.

I was covered in sin and shame.
I heard Mercy...call my name?
He rolled the stone away...

Amen...Amen?!

I’m alive! I’m Alive!

Because He Lives *trembling*

Amen! AMEN!
Let my song join the one that Never ends!
Because He LIVES!!

I can now face tomorrow -

Because He Lives!
Life is Worth the #Pain - 
When I know He holds my life, my future in His Hands!!

Amen!! Amen!!

I’m Alive! I’m ALIVE!!
Because He Lives :')
Amen!! Amen!!!
Let my song join the one that never ends!!!!

Amen <3 Amen

I'm Glad I'm Alive -
Because He LIVES
Amen <3 Amen

Let my song join the One that never ends <3

Because He LIVES
Because He #LOVES

I have hated myself for So Long now. I don't even remember a time when I thought I was worth Anything. I don't remember the last time I went a day without feeling Complete Shame & Guilt. Our pastor spoke about that this morn. The title to this sermon was "I see you" and he discussed the different responses people have to that idea. Some people like to be seen - others want to hide. I have been in hiding for a very long time because of my pain. Because I don't want people to see my #Brokenness.

Those who know me - they assume I'm talking about my "history". No. I would say any sin I've committed holds not even a flicker of shame to the overwhelming hatred I have for the parts about me God #LOVES. The parts God Created. My friend once told me I have a #TenderHeart. I flinched visibly when she said that. Even now I found myself cringing as I typed that phrase. I have hated myself for So Long. I was the "sensitive" one. The one that cried over "ridiculous" things. The "dramatic" one. The girl who "just wants attention".

Yes - I did want attention. I wanted people to see ME. To see who I was and still love me. Instead I got ridicule. I was teased mercilessly for Caring. I got "jokes" about who I was. And over time, I learned to laugh instead of cry. I learned to make fun of who God made me to be. I would rather have the love of others than the love of my Creator(typical human attitude). And people proved that they couldn't love who God had created me to be. So - I learned to Hate God-in-me.

I've been a Christian since I was about 2 years old. I remember the day I prayed for Christ to dwell in my heart. Sitting on my parents four poster bed with Momma and Luya. It made sense, I didn't think twice before accepting that Jesus died for my sins. From that moment on Christ started shining forth in me, but when I started running from who I was. Who He was In me. I essentially started running from Him.

And of course - He had to go and follow me! No matter how far I ran. No matter where I ended up. God kept dragging me back! Seeing Him only reminded me of who I had come to believe I was. #Worthless. And so I reminded Him why I was worthless. Over and over I showed Him why I wasn't worth loving. Over and over I gave Him more reasons to give up on me. Over and over I pushed Him away - metaphorically screaming at Him to leave! Actions speak louder than words - and I made sure He, and everybody else in my life, knew that I was just as unlovable and worthless as I have always believed. But while it is easy to show others how Worthless I am. And it is even easier to show myself. I never convinced God of that.

But I kept trying. And when that didn't work - I tried to give up. I tried to end it. Several times. He wouldn't even let me do that. He Fought for me. He fought for more than my life. He fought for my love. Oh bother. And loving Him - it means loving who He is In Me. And that - that I couldn't do. People couldn't love who I was as a youth and adding my history since then - No. No, there simply CanNOT be ANYthing Loveable about me. Anything that once was, I learned to erase. I gave up my loves. I gave up my passions. I gave up hope. I gave up God. But He STILL didn't give up on me.

Man - this Dude's the Epitome of Stubborn! Twenty-eight years we've duked it out - Him and me. I'm pretty stubborn myself. And I have a tendency to need to do things MY way. Whiiiich typically means learning the hard way :) . But - luckily I have more curiosity than even a cat. And you know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat. And satisfaction brought it back!" My curiosity for #Truth. My yearning to always know "Why?" That's how God lured me to Him. God is "Sneaky Sneaky, Sir." Don't underestimate the sneakiness :) .

And Definitely don't underestimate God. I mean - hello. He's GOD. When He wants something - He'll get it. And He told me years ago that He wanted me. I didn't understand why or how and so I rejected Him. But my life, the life of every Christian, the life of Christ - are testimonies of God's Love for us! He Loved me enough to die for me and I mentioned that in Sunday School today. What I think about Christ dying for me. Let me see if I can say this again. P.s. This is called a tangent - and I love those!

Some people think that because Jesus is man AND God - dying on the cross was perhaps easier for Him than the average man. I disagree. I don't think God is some average comic book superhero with extra strength, endurance and pain resistance. Jesus was human, which meant he felt every scratch, every crack of the whip, every barb piercing his skin. He also felt the pain of every person who spit on Him, who laughed at Him, who scoffed and mocked Him. And because He is God - Christ knew one of His bffs was going to flat out Bail! To save his own skin! Christ knew that Peter was going to deny Him(3Xs), when He was doing this For Peter. For us.

Do we really get that? I mean think about it. Your best friend - would they take the blame if you broke a window with a baseball by accident? What about if you broke it on purpose? What if it was the window of someone from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre's house? What if your friend was dragged inside and tortured because of Your baseball? And what if you were given the opportunity to trade places. Would you? What if your friend was given the opportunity to rat you out, knowing what would happen to him if he didn't. Would he? I think that picture is more realistic.

Christ took the blame, took the torture, for every baseball we have broken a window with, by accident or on purpose. And we stood there and watched. We stood there and pretended we didn't know Him. We stood there and Scoffed at Him as He was being tortured for US. And He didn't hate us for it. No, He took the pain out of Love for us. He took the agony meant for us. And He went through it Alone. Not even God could look at Him as He took our blame. God had to turn His face away as Christ endured the Cruelest of tortures and our miserable Mocking laughter. You may think you would never laugh in His face, but you have. I have. Every time we sin, every time we run away from Him, every time we try to separate ourselves from Him, every time we fail to #Trust Him - we are essentially saying: I got this. I don't need You to save me...when He already did.

People say that life's not like some big movie. Screw those people. Life is Totally like the movies. And my #Life would win an award at the Grammy's as a Top #Romance. The girl who loved all the bad boys, while running away from the only Man who could ever truly LOVE her. God followed me. The Holy Spirit wooed me. Christ saved me. My life is the Ultimate cliche romantic drama(emphasis on the #Drama). I mean, He friggin proposed to me and tattooed an engagement ring on my heart where I could never take it off. And even though I resented Him for that for years(total cliche romance). This day I am Finally SO #PROUD to be able to say that I Love Him. That I accept that He LOVES me. That I learning #Why He does. That the #Truth is that there are parts of me #Worth Loving. I am Valuable...because He is.

It will always hurt when people I love don't love me for Who God is in me, but it will never again be able to drive me over the #CliffsOfInsanity. Because Jesus is my Wesley. And it may be #Inconceivable, but He has "Good Arms". I am His #Bride. A princess even ;) . And I know that He will always come for me. He will always Love me - and that's More than enough. That's #Everything. Not a day goes by now that I don't cry with joy at the proof of His Love in my life. Not an hour goes by that I don't talk to Him. What can I say? He's my Guy and although I still fight with Him, and often - I Never want to be parted from Him again. He's the One Man I can say that I Cannot LIVE Without - because it's True. I will always Need Him and that's a Good thing. That's a GOD thing.

But let me remind you. Life may be a movie and it may have a #HappyEnding, but I'm not there yet. I'm still in the middle of my #FairyTale. Christ may have rescued me from the tower, and I may have stopped trying to hit him over the head with a frying pan for it, but that doesn't mean the dragon is beaten. That doesn't mean we've crossed the lava pit, or gone through the fire swamp. I don't really want to get burned or fall into yet another sand trap. And yes, I'm terrified of battling the ROUS. This world is No #Eden. Not yet. This world is not my #Home...Yet.

But it will be. Life is one Big #Wedding Preparation - with all the anxiety that comes with one of those massive affairs(anxiety times a thousand squared). But in the end...it will be worth it. To look down the aisle and walk towards the Man I Love. To know that He sees who I will become even now. That He is the one making my #WeddingDress because He is the one making me #Pure once again. I cannot tell you how much I long to wear that dress. To walk towards the Man who LOVES me. The Man who Saved me. The Man who knows my deepest darkest secrets, who has seen ALL my #Crazy, and is still willing to claim me as His Bride. Oh Fudge. There I go - grinning like an idiot again and getting all goosepimply.

I Love You, my God. You are my God. And I will Ever Praise You. I will seek You in the morning. I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You'll lead me. And I will follow you all of my days.

P.s. I will NEVER be OK with the idea of cutting someone out of your life simply because they hurt you. People verbally beat me daily. Every one of you has. I even have physical scars to prove it. If I surrounded myself with people who loved me perfectly - I would be surrounded by no one. And for those who look at this post and feel pain at my words. Know that I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you Every time you hurt me. And I know I give pain as well as receive it. But this post is not about you. This post is not even about me. This post and my life story - is about God. Everything comes back to God. And guess what - the reason it's so easy to forgive you every time you hurt me - the reason I find it So Easy to Love each and every one of you despite the pain it often brings me? It's because I see God-in-you. He's So Beautiful. Looking at the people I love most - I've learned to not dwell on the pain. I look for the Unique Beauty God brings out in each of you. How many conversations have I had that are far better than even the sunrise itself? I look at you and I don't see you - I see So Much More. I see a rainbow, with the most beautiful colors that bring tears to my eyes. I see a waterfall that falls into a crystal clear lake. I see an exotic flower, unknown to this world. A star sparkling in the midnight of the sky. A city that twinkles like gems as seen from far above. I see each of you through God's eyes and because of that, I will never stop loving you ALL. Which is probs a good thing - since we're going to be spending much longer than a lifetime together ;)

Sincerely,

Me