Life, Love & The Pursuit of Him

Or should I say - His pursuit of me?

"Because He Lives"

~Matt Maher

*Adapted for myself

I believe in the Son.

I've always believed in the Risen One.

I believe I am overcome *grimace*

By the power of His Blood.

Amen. Amen?

I still live. Fuck - I only live...Because He lives
Amen...Amen.
PLEASE - let my song join the one that never ends.
Because He LIVES.

I was dead in the grave.

I was covered in sin and shame.
I heard Mercy...call my name?
He rolled the stone away...

Amen...Amen?!

I’m alive! I’m Alive!

Because He Lives *trembling*

Amen! AMEN!
Let my song join the one that Never ends!
Because He LIVES!!

I can now face tomorrow -

Because He Lives!
Life is Worth the #Pain - 
When I know He holds my life, my future in His Hands!!

Amen!! Amen!!

I’m Alive! I’m ALIVE!!
Because He Lives :')
Amen!! Amen!!!
Let my song join the one that never ends!!!!

Amen <3 Amen

I'm Glad I'm Alive -
Because He LIVES
Amen <3 Amen

Let my song join the One that never ends <3

Because He LIVES
Because He #LOVES

I have hated myself for So Long now. I don't even remember a time when I thought I was worth Anything. I don't remember the last time I went a day without feeling Complete Shame & Guilt. Our pastor spoke about that this morn. The title to this sermon was "I see you" and he discussed the different responses people have to that idea. Some people like to be seen - others want to hide. I have been in hiding for a very long time because of my pain. Because I don't want people to see my #Brokenness.

Those who know me - they assume I'm talking about my "history". No. I would say any sin I've committed holds not even a flicker of shame to the overwhelming hatred I have for the parts about me God #LOVES. The parts God Created. My friend once told me I have a #TenderHeart. I flinched visibly when she said that. Even now I found myself cringing as I typed that phrase. I have hated myself for So Long. I was the "sensitive" one. The one that cried over "ridiculous" things. The "dramatic" one. The girl who "just wants attention".

Yes - I did want attention. I wanted people to see ME. To see who I was and still love me. Instead I got ridicule. I was teased mercilessly for Caring. I got "jokes" about who I was. And over time, I learned to laugh instead of cry. I learned to make fun of who God made me to be. I would rather have the love of others than the love of my Creator(typical human attitude). And people proved that they couldn't love who God had created me to be. So - I learned to Hate God-in-me.

I've been a Christian since I was about 2 years old. I remember the day I prayed for Christ to dwell in my heart. Sitting on my parents four poster bed with Momma and Luya. It made sense, I didn't think twice before accepting that Jesus died for my sins. From that moment on Christ started shining forth in me, but when I started running from who I was. Who He was In me. I essentially started running from Him.

And of course - He had to go and follow me! No matter how far I ran. No matter where I ended up. God kept dragging me back! Seeing Him only reminded me of who I had come to believe I was. #Worthless. And so I reminded Him why I was worthless. Over and over I showed Him why I wasn't worth loving. Over and over I gave Him more reasons to give up on me. Over and over I pushed Him away - metaphorically screaming at Him to leave! Actions speak louder than words - and I made sure He, and everybody else in my life, knew that I was just as unlovable and worthless as I have always believed. But while it is easy to show others how Worthless I am. And it is even easier to show myself. I never convinced God of that.

But I kept trying. And when that didn't work - I tried to give up. I tried to end it. Several times. He wouldn't even let me do that. He Fought for me. He fought for more than my life. He fought for my love. Oh bother. And loving Him - it means loving who He is In Me. And that - that I couldn't do. People couldn't love who I was as a youth and adding my history since then - No. No, there simply CanNOT be ANYthing Loveable about me. Anything that once was, I learned to erase. I gave up my loves. I gave up my passions. I gave up hope. I gave up God. But He STILL didn't give up on me.

Man - this Dude's the Epitome of Stubborn! Twenty-eight years we've duked it out - Him and me. I'm pretty stubborn myself. And I have a tendency to need to do things MY way. Whiiiich typically means learning the hard way :) . But - luckily I have more curiosity than even a cat. And you know what they say: "Curiosity killed the cat. And satisfaction brought it back!" My curiosity for #Truth. My yearning to always know "Why?" That's how God lured me to Him. God is "Sneaky Sneaky, Sir." Don't underestimate the sneakiness :) .

And Definitely don't underestimate God. I mean - hello. He's GOD. When He wants something - He'll get it. And He told me years ago that He wanted me. I didn't understand why or how and so I rejected Him. But my life, the life of every Christian, the life of Christ - are testimonies of God's Love for us! He Loved me enough to die for me and I mentioned that in Sunday School today. What I think about Christ dying for me. Let me see if I can say this again. P.s. This is called a tangent - and I love those!

Some people think that because Jesus is man AND God - dying on the cross was perhaps easier for Him than the average man. I disagree. I don't think God is some average comic book superhero with extra strength, endurance and pain resistance. Jesus was human, which meant he felt every scratch, every crack of the whip, every barb piercing his skin. He also felt the pain of every person who spit on Him, who laughed at Him, who scoffed and mocked Him. And because He is God - Christ knew one of His bffs was going to flat out Bail! To save his own skin! Christ knew that Peter was going to deny Him(3Xs), when He was doing this For Peter. For us.

Do we really get that? I mean think about it. Your best friend - would they take the blame if you broke a window with a baseball by accident? What about if you broke it on purpose? What if it was the window of someone from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre's house? What if your friend was dragged inside and tortured because of Your baseball? And what if you were given the opportunity to trade places. Would you? What if your friend was given the opportunity to rat you out, knowing what would happen to him if he didn't. Would he? I think that picture is more realistic.

Christ took the blame, took the torture, for every baseball we have broken a window with, by accident or on purpose. And we stood there and watched. We stood there and pretended we didn't know Him. We stood there and Scoffed at Him as He was being tortured for US. And He didn't hate us for it. No, He took the pain out of Love for us. He took the agony meant for us. And He went through it Alone. Not even God could look at Him as He took our blame. God had to turn His face away as Christ endured the Cruelest of tortures and our miserable Mocking laughter. You may think you would never laugh in His face, but you have. I have. Every time we sin, every time we run away from Him, every time we try to separate ourselves from Him, every time we fail to #Trust Him - we are essentially saying: I got this. I don't need You to save me...when He already did.

People say that life's not like some big movie. Screw those people. Life is Totally like the movies. And my #Life would win an award at the Grammy's as a Top #Romance. The girl who loved all the bad boys, while running away from the only Man who could ever truly LOVE her. God followed me. The Holy Spirit wooed me. Christ saved me. My life is the Ultimate cliche romantic drama(emphasis on the #Drama). I mean, He friggin proposed to me and tattooed an engagement ring on my heart where I could never take it off. And even though I resented Him for that for years(total cliche romance). This day I am Finally SO #PROUD to be able to say that I Love Him. That I accept that He LOVES me. That I learning #Why He does. That the #Truth is that there are parts of me #Worth Loving. I am Valuable...because He is.

It will always hurt when people I love don't love me for Who God is in me, but it will never again be able to drive me over the #CliffsOfInsanity. Because Jesus is my Wesley. And it may be #Inconceivable, but He has "Good Arms". I am His #Bride. A princess even ;) . And I know that He will always come for me. He will always Love me - and that's More than enough. That's #Everything. Not a day goes by now that I don't cry with joy at the proof of His Love in my life. Not an hour goes by that I don't talk to Him. What can I say? He's my Guy and although I still fight with Him, and often - I Never want to be parted from Him again. He's the One Man I can say that I Cannot LIVE Without - because it's True. I will always Need Him and that's a Good thing. That's a GOD thing.

But let me remind you. Life may be a movie and it may have a #HappyEnding, but I'm not there yet. I'm still in the middle of my #FairyTale. Christ may have rescued me from the tower, and I may have stopped trying to hit him over the head with a frying pan for it, but that doesn't mean the dragon is beaten. That doesn't mean we've crossed the lava pit, or gone through the fire swamp. I don't really want to get burned or fall into yet another sand trap. And yes, I'm terrified of battling the ROUS. This world is No #Eden. Not yet. This world is not my #Home...Yet.

But it will be. Life is one Big #Wedding Preparation - with all the anxiety that comes with one of those massive affairs(anxiety times a thousand squared). But in the end...it will be worth it. To look down the aisle and walk towards the Man I Love. To know that He sees who I will become even now. That He is the one making my #WeddingDress because He is the one making me #Pure once again. I cannot tell you how much I long to wear that dress. To walk towards the Man who LOVES me. The Man who Saved me. The Man who knows my deepest darkest secrets, who has seen ALL my #Crazy, and is still willing to claim me as His Bride. Oh Fudge. There I go - grinning like an idiot again and getting all goosepimply.

I Love You, my God. You are my God. And I will Ever Praise You. I will seek You in the morning. I will learn to walk in Your ways. And step by step You'll lead me. And I will follow you all of my days.

P.s. I will NEVER be OK with the idea of cutting someone out of your life simply because they hurt you. People verbally beat me daily. Every one of you has. I even have physical scars to prove it. If I surrounded myself with people who loved me perfectly - I would be surrounded by no one. And for those who look at this post and feel pain at my words. Know that I forgave you a long time ago. I forgive you Every time you hurt me. And I know I give pain as well as receive it. But this post is not about you. This post is not even about me. This post and my life story - is about God. Everything comes back to God. And guess what - the reason it's so easy to forgive you every time you hurt me - the reason I find it So Easy to Love each and every one of you despite the pain it often brings me? It's because I see God-in-you. He's So Beautiful. Looking at the people I love most - I've learned to not dwell on the pain. I look for the Unique Beauty God brings out in each of you. How many conversations have I had that are far better than even the sunrise itself? I look at you and I don't see you - I see So Much More. I see a rainbow, with the most beautiful colors that bring tears to my eyes. I see a waterfall that falls into a crystal clear lake. I see an exotic flower, unknown to this world. A star sparkling in the midnight of the sky. A city that twinkles like gems as seen from far above. I see each of you through God's eyes and because of that, I will never stop loving you ALL. Which is probs a good thing - since we're going to be spending much longer than a lifetime together ;)

Sincerely,

Me